Family Matters: Chapter 21
May. 15th, 2016 07:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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yume_to_ameTitle: Family matters ~ Chapter 21/22
Pairing: Jun, Masaki, Sho, Satoshi, Kazu (there are going to be additional side-characters though. No OCs.) I'm trying to give each of the five their well-deserves spot-light <3
Rating: PG
Multi-chapter
Genre: family!AU in which Arashi are brothers :-) slice of life, a little drama (and I'm trying to add some light-hearted, funny moments to it too)
Summary: Since they were little they were always close to each other. And when unfortunate events force them to live together without their parents, it's only natural that they try to make the best out of it.
“You know, I could stay at home with you,” Jun offers with what seems to be a generous smile.
“Yeah,” Kazu grins, eyeing how Masaki and Satoshi are loading Masaki’s mini-van with all the stuff Satoshi will need for his exhibition. It’s morning, and Kazu unfortunately can’t join them out of health reasons. He can’t ride the car for so long. “You are just afraid to sit in a car for so long.”
“Hey.” Jun blushes. “Don’t point out my obvious weakness, you idiot. Actually I do feel bad if you stay at home alone.”
“I know,” Kazu sighs. “But don’t be such a huge softie and please go with them. You are like the only one in this household that sincerely likes Satoshi’s pictures! It would be awful if out of all you wouldn’t be there for his support.”
“What?” Jun blinks, and Kazu feels a bit embarrassed by the intense glance Jun shows him. “What exactly do you mean with support?”
“He always feels nervous before these events,” Kazu stutters, feeling how his cheeks heat up. “I mean, he hides it well, but he feels self-conscious then and is afraid that he might fail. I know that. So, you love his paintings. You have to be there.” Jun stays quiet after he finished his rambling, and Kazu feels more than uncomfortable all of a sudden. “What is it, J? Why are you not saying anything? Will you go?”
“I will. But there is something I don’t get,” Jun says calmly. “You really like Sa-chan a lot. Why don’t you tell him? So, he is an idiot and can’t make the first step towards you because he is overanalysing every step. Then why don’t you go and talk to him? You could just tell him that you wish him good luck for his exhibition and show your support.”
Kazu is at a loss of words, again. When did his cute little brother actually become so mature? That’s not fair at all. Recently Jun began analysing their relationships and judging their characteristics, strong and weak points on his own, basically developing his own opinion on everything. On top of that he really went to see Matsuda-sensei without even complaining. His calm approach concerning Matsuda has even unsettled Masaki, until he apparently accepted that Jun is not throwing any of his usual tantrums at them anymore.
“You grew up so much, Jun,” Kazu mumbles. “Keep that attitude going, okay? It’s pretty cool.”
“You didn’t quite answer my question though. Will you at least think about it?”
“Yes, I will, now just go!” Kazu chuckles. “I’m heading to school instead. I have an appointment with Yamaguchi-sensei. Can’t wait actually. Finally something gets going and I can go to school again.”
Jun smiles. “You changed too, you know that?”
“I did?” Kazu doesn’t quite want to believe that but there is no sign in Jun’s eyes that he is joking or just being nice. He means it. “I hope so. I’m trying hard.”
“It pays off. So don’t give up.”
He hopes Jun is right. For now though he has other things to worry about, namely his appointment with Yamaguchi-sensei, which is probably going to last forever, and he needs to pick up all the stuff from school Jun couldn’t bring him. Things he needs to make sure of personally, to know which exams to study for and how to catch up.
He has to give props to his brothers though for trusting him. He has almost expected at least Sho or Satoshi to keep some tabs on him, checking if he is really going to school. But most likely they try to be supportive, and Kazu takes a wild guess that Jun told them not to mess with him. And as it seems Jun has learned how to turn on some sort of authority-mode within them that kind of shuts up everyone… except for Sho maybe. Just as Masaki has his Buddha mode, and Sho has his new-found Zen mode… Jun has hit authority mode? Well, it could be worse.
The way to school is a twenty minutes’ walk by foot. Jun normally walks or takes the bicycle while Kazu likes to take the bus, but today Kazu decides to walk too. It takes him long though; despite the rehab and the training sessions he still has in hospital, his recovery takes some time. It’s really depressing. Still, today he decides to finally enjoy the warm weather and not bother about how he is walking too slowly and how his bones still ache and hurt.
It’s a warm day, and after the long and draining winter it feels kind of good to feel the sun against his face and see some green shining through the still brown parks. On his way he buys himself a hot coffee from this new coffee shop Jun told him about, before he finally reaches the school. It’s still public holiday, so it’s weirdly deserted and empty, only a few teachers around. He has never been to school when it was that silent and without other students. Feels like a whole different world.
He meets Nagase in the hallway. “Kazunari-kun!” Jun’s teacher smiles warmly, so that Kazu feels all comfortable immediately. “It is so nice to see you.” He pats his shoulders. “Just never scare us like that again. If you do, I’ll do something horrible to you.” He grins. “So horrible that I’m lacking references for it.”
Kazu laughs light-heartedly. “I promise, I will do a lot better. I’ve my bag full of good resolutions, believe me. It’s like the wake-up call I needed.”
“That’s good to hear.” Yamaguchi’s voice can suddenly be heard as he approaches them from the side. He smiles friendly. He has visited him in hospital a few times, which meant a lot to Kazu. “Good to see you again.”
“I’m sorry for all the troubles I gave you.” Kazu bows.
Yamaguchi grins. “You better are.”
Kazu chuckles. “Believe me, I even studied at home with Jun’s and Ryo-kun’s help. And Jun is like a watch dog right now. I think if I slack off or skip school again, he will basically bite me into my butt and chase me down to school.”
Nagase laughs. “Well, maybe you could give him a little push too.” When Kazu blinks at him, he smiles. “You know, when you were still in hospital I told him about this offer from the headmaster. But he is so stubborn, he rejected first and I could only push him to at least think about it. But why am I telling you this? He most likely already told you.”
An offer? Kazu frowns deeply. He remembers now how Jun told him that Nagase-sensei and their headmaster had something to talk to him. It was around the same day when he had that huge fight with Satoshi, and cried over it. Later on Jun said it was about the school festival… didn’t he?
Kazu lets out a tiny sigh. He lied, obviously, and Kazu was too pre-occupied with his own shit to even realize. How pathetic. When he realizes how Nagase is still waiting for an answer, Kazu smiles dazzlingly. “I will definitely kick him a bit,” he says casually. “Could you just please tell me again what exactly it was about? During my stay in hospital I was a bit out of it thanks to the whole rehab and the meds, I’m afraid I missed the one or other piece.”
“Of course.” Nagase nods. “Yamaguchi can tell you the details again. You have a lot to catch up anyway.”
“Sure,” Yamaguchi-sensei agrees. “Let me get your folder, the whole attendance record and the class schedule from the previous months… and for the upcoming months.”
Sounds bothersome, and like a lot of work, but Kazu nods nevertheless. “Yes, of course.”
“We could grab something to eat, and talk about everything over lunch,” Yamaguchi offers. “That only goes in case you don’t feel embarrassed about eating with your teacher.”
Kazu smiles warily. “With all the stages of embarrassment I went through, and how I embarrassed most of my family, eating with you lost all its scariness. So.” He bows. “Thank you for the treat. I’ll do my best, so please watch out for me.”
~~~
It’s been an exhausting day, mainly because he had so much to do. Walking to school, sitting together with Yamaguchi and going through all the stuff he needs to catch up with. Gladly his family is so well-known and respected that Yamaguchi could convince their headmaster that Kazu can pass the school year if he catches up with all the important exams he missed. Hence he and his teacher went through a working plan for Kazu about how to achieve that.
“You’ll need to go to a cram school, Kazunari-kun, or visit our tutoring classes at afternoon,” Yamaguchi said at one point, making Kazu sigh deeply. “I know, it’s going to be a lot of work, but I don’t think you can manage all of it alone. And you can’t rely on your younger brother or Ryo-kun for all of it. Besides that Ryo will have lots of work with pimping up his CV this year.”
“Do you think I should join an extra-curricular activity too right now? I mean, there is only one year left for me until I need to go to university. So should I join a few clubs or do some extra work?”
“No.” Yamaguchi shakes his head. “If you want my advice: Rely on the good image of your family right now because that already gives you some advantage for your university application, and do what’s necessary to improve your grades and pass the year. In two months, let’s sit together again and think about your CV. If you did well until then, I might suggest you to join a few clubs.”
Now Kazu is back home, eyeing the time table and the schedule he set up together with his sensei carefully. It’s crazy. Good thing that his brothers won’t let him go to any evening activities any time soon; it at least gives him time to study. Though he isn’t quite sure if he can ever dedicate himself to it and go totally ambitious like Jun – when dude has set his mind on something, he basically throws himself into it whole-heartedly –, or even worse… like Sho. But he wants to pass this year, and at least get the chance to study at a rather semi-good university.
He decides to go for his most-hated subject first. Namely maths. Whoever invented maths as a school subject, should be forever hunted by all the desperate students. He is so busy with work that he doesn’t even hear how the others return. Only when there is a knock at the door, he looks up, blinking when he sees it’s way past midnight.
Masaki almost drops out of the room again. “You study,” he whispers in awe. “Oh my god, I think I’m dreaming.”
“Oh, shut up,” Kazu mumbles, his embarrassment growing further when Masaki just grins. But it’s basically over with his calm time anyway as Jun comes too, smirking slightly.
“Filmed it,” he says.
Kazu blinks. “Filmed what?” His eyes widen when he realizes what Jun means. “You mean the exhibition?”
“Yes, including comments from Sho, Masaki, Satoshi and myself, plus Satoshi’s awkward speech, the awesome pictures in all details, and I caught Satoshi making out with someone.”
Kazu grins. “Way to go, darling. That sounds like good material.”
“And.” Jun grins, apparently he still has a trump card. “You know how Sho tends to disappear here and there for a few hours, when he is not at work and not meeting Satoshi. I heard him talking about it with Sa-chan. It’s all on tape.”
“What is it?” Kazu asks curiously.
“Yoga class!”
Kazu blinks. “You are kidding me?” When Jun shakes his head, they both burst into giggles. “So that’s how he found his zen-mode.”
“Want to watch it immediately?” Jun asks.
“Yes, why waste any time?” Kazu chuckles, watching how Jun sets everything up so that they can watch it on the huge TV-screen. Looking at him remembers him of the interesting details Yamaguchi filled him in with. It still needs a little more research though, although he knows the most important things. But to face Jun he definitely needs more information. He already called Ryo and told him to stick his nose into it. After all he was in school regularly and has more friends to rely on.
~~~
While Kazu still wonders how to find out what’s going on in Jun’s mind Mao visits, apparently not really a surprise visit. She comes for a school project as it seems. Jun only catches something to eat for them and disappears in his room. When Kazu goes to the kitchen, hell basically broke loose there.
“It’s Mao-chan!” Masaki squeals in delight. “He brought home a girl.”
“And it’s not the gangster dude!” Satoshi exclaims in relief.
“Do you think they are together?” Sho wants to know.
Masaki grins. “Want me to eavesdrop?”
“No, that wouldn’t be right.” Both Satoshi and Sho shake their heads, but look kind of pouty at the same time. “Why doesn’t he tell us if she is his girlfriend?” Sho grumbles. “I want to know.”
“Hopefully they are not making out or something like that,” Satoshi muses, and it’s the most ridiculous worry Kazu has heard from his brothers up to know. So what if they do? Who cares?
“Yeah,” Sho – of course! – agrees. “Who knows what it leads to. Just imagine them going even further. Oh my god, Kazu and Jun are still too young for that.”
Oh dear, if they knew what he and Jun already did. Jun even in the hospital during his rehab; it’s not only been kissing.
“Why doesn’t he tell us anything?” Masaki complains.
Well, no surprise Jun doesn’t give any too concrete answers to them. Unfortunately they have suddenly realized his presence, because Masaki turns around and bends over the kitchen counter. “Mao-chan and Jun?” he whispers. “What do you know?”
“Did Jun tell you something?” Sho asks curiously.
Perfect moment to lie. “No,” Kazu says. “I’m just as oblivious as you are. Just here to fetch me something to drink.”
To avoid the madness in the kitchen, he escapes it soon afterwards, well aware of the fact that none of the three believes him that he doesn’t know anything. Hah, gives him a weird feeling of satisfaction – awesome!
~~~
It’s a few days later after he started going to school again, and met up with Ryo and some other classmates more regularly that he knows for sure what’s been going on between their headmaster and Jun.
“Say, Jun.” Kazu leans against the door and eyes his brother thoughtfully. He is not sure how to begin. But when Jun puts his pen aside and looks at him insistently, he just has to. “I’ve heard something interesting last week when I went to school to talk to Yamaguchi-sensei about how I can catch up with the exams I missed. That’s when I heard it.”
Jun eyes him curiously. “What did you hear?”
It’s silent for a moment and he can only hear the clock on the wall. “That you have been participating in some kind of national dancing competition, and got into the top 10. And apparently you did well enough with your studies throughout the year that our headmaster decided to write a letter of recommendation for you to study one or even two years abroad. I heard all that.”
Jun lowers his gaze for a moment, looks all tired. “Is that so?” he asks.
“I’ve also heard-“ Kazu sits down at the edge of Jun’s bed. “That you asked him for more time. That you declined first, but he told you to think about it properly.”
“If you heard all that already, why are you still getting on my nerves with it?”
Kazu shrugs. “To make sure.”
“So, you’ve made sure of it now. And?”
“It’s perfect for you,” Kazu argues. “Why don’t you want to go? Nagase-sensei and the headmaster still believe in you and haven’t turned down their offer. You can still say yes. Do you even know how fucking important all that stuff is for your CV!? And that you can study at a top notch university then? I’ve looked up that school – it’s great, they have all kind of special artistic classes, you might even find new subjects you are interested in. You can dance there, Jun, on a professional level. That’s always been your dream. Why would you decline all these offers? It’s so freaking stupid that I can’t believe it. Even I would take them up on that offer!”
“I’ve no interest to go to that school, I don't need to dance professionally. I can still dance here. Maybe that’s even better.”
Kazu snorts. “For real? Is that your excuse? Because I don’t get it at all. You could really make something out of your life!”
Jun shakes his head, much to Kazu’s annoyance. “I don’t want to. Really.”
“Jun-”
“No, believe me.”
“Jun!” Kazu huffs out and it’s more persistent than usual and a bit sharper. “Why are you in denial? Tell me! We promised to be always honest to each other.” He smiles a bit to relieve the tension. “We even pinky-swore when we left the hospital after our parents died. So, be honest.”
Jun is silent for a while. “It’s abroad,” he finally says quietly. “It means I can’t go home for at least a year, and I won’t see you. What will happen, when I’m away?”
So that’s it. Kazu takes his hand. “Honestly?”
“Honestly!”
“I’ll miss you like crazy. I can’t even imagine you being away for one week, so… a year? But neither of us – not you, not me – should hold you back when you have a great chance. I don’t want that to happen! In the end, it’s just a year.” He smiles nervously. “As it is now, I can’t even imagine living in this house without you. I might drive the other three crazy, and they’ll drive me crazy. Up until now I always had you in between me and them, but I have relied on you way too long. I’m really sorry for the way I involved you in my mess. And the last thing I want now is to be the person holding you back.”
Jun’s lips tug nervously. “I’m not sure.”
“I’ll skype with you daily,” he promises. Something inside him twitches weirdly. One part of him, the selfish one, wants Jun to decline, but the bigger part wants Jun to accept the offer and make something awesome with his life.
“Sho said something similar a while ago,” Jun finally admits. “About how I need to make my own decisions…”
“Then make them,” Kazu demands. “Consider it properly and then make your decision. Don’t think of me or the others. For once think about yourself.”
Jun looks away all of a sudden and pulls his hand out of Kazu’s grip. “I’m not sure…”
Kazu frowns. Is there something else? Another problem? “There is something, am I right?” he finally asks. “Another reason.”
His words from before seem to have worked, because Jun lets out a deep sigh as he puts his books away silently. Then he returns to Kazu, eyes him carefully. When Kazu doesn’t avoid his glance, he gives in. “It’s too expensive.”
That indeed comes as a surprise. “What?”
“Even with the letter of recommendation and the scholarship, it’s expensive. I know Satoshi earns quite some money with his pictures, but it really depends on the season. Sho is the only one with a steady and good income at the moment. We are five people here. Every one of us has the right to live on the same level. With me going abroad, I’m suddenly going to be above it. I don’t want that to happen. Sho has sacrificed all his dreams and his ambitions for this stupid lawyer job after all, just to bring home enough money.”
“And now you think you should sacrifice all of your dreams?” Kazu wants to know.
“Yes.”
Kazu feels like someone has just kicked him in the stomach. Thanks to the recent happenings, he knows this feeling well. The more he is surprised that also the psychical pain can be that real. “What!?”
“Sho had always wanted to study astronomy,” Jun explains. “Always. He had done well. After our accident, he changed his main subject to succeed our father. Our father’s name still weighed heavily after all. Satoshi dropped out of art college to work. Yes, he still became an artist now, but think of all the pain he went through. Masaki never became a doctor though he was already working towards becoming one.” He pauses. “They gave up on everything. How could I even follow my dreams then?”
~~~
It was so like Jun to say and think something like that. Only loosely Kazu wonders how complicated a person’s feelings could possibly be. They should probably all learn from Masaki, who is always straight-forward and honest with himself. Kazu shifts around on his chair a bit. He has been studying the whole day, but he just can’t concentrate.
“Fuck,” he curses, feeling slightly annoyed with himself. This is something he normally discusses with Satoshi, but since they hardly talk to each other right now, it’s not the best timing.
He puts his books aside, turning around a bit. Did Jun think about timing when he told the others that Kazu might be in danger? Probably not. He just wanted to help. Did Masaki wonder about the right timing when he basically Buddha-solved all their problems? No, he most likely went with his instincts. And Sho when he made up with Jun and went all into zen-mode, and even told Jun to see Matsuda?
He is pretty sure that none of them even thought twice and simply decided to hurry and change things to the better.
Screw the right timing.
Kazu stands up and throws his book on his bed. He needs to get this problem out of his system, because it’s definitely on overload right now, or on low battery, depending on your perspective. With his new found resolution and courage, he leaves his room and heads for the atelier before he might start overthinking his decision again. Satoshi has two ateliers. One loft in town and one here at home. Today he is at home, gladly. Kazu stomps to the third floor and opens the door without knocking like he is afraid that he would change his mind if he thinks too much.
“We need to talk!” he calls out without any further explanation.
Sho is in the room too, talking with Satoshi and drinking a glass of wine with him. He blinks for a moment before he takes his glass. “Well, I’m taking my leave then,” he says calmly and walks by Kazu like it’s the most normal thing to see him make an entrance like this.
To his luck, he has also taken Satoshi by surprise, because the latter points at the chair next to him. “Sit down there. You still shouldn’t stand too much. Your knee,” he says, sounding friendly and a bit nervous much to Kazu’s surprise.
Kazu sits down, feeling how his courage is slowly leaving him again. What the hell is he going to do or say now? How should he start? Oh my god, how did Sho start when he solved his problems with Jun? How the hell is a problem-solving-speech supposed to start? He has no idea. The only person he has ever solved an argument with is Jun. And with Jun it’s a lot more easy and natural.
He is still pondering about how to start, when Satoshi beats him to it. “So, what do you want to talk about?”
What he wants to talk about? Is he freaking serious!?
Kazu shifts around and takes one of the cashew nuts out of a bowl and chews on it thoughtfully. Well then. Here goes nothing. He assumes phrasing words and questions in his mind and expecting Satoshi and the others to be able to read them like Jun does, is a little too much to ask from them. He should learn how to speak up. “I know I’m not particularly your favourite person right now,” he starts casually, deciding to dump the obvious topic as soon as possible and go over to his original reason to come here. “And that you pretty much hate me at the moment. But Jun-“
“Why do you think I hate you?” Satoshi asks in surprise.
Kazu frowns. How in the world could someone possibly be that dense? “You hardly talk to me,” he explains patiently. “Nor do you look at me. But it doesn’t matter, I-“
“Is that how you think I feel?” Satoshi interrupts him again, apparently in his persistent mode. His eyes are wide-opened in shock like Kazu just told him he would move to Dubai and become a sheik. “No, seriously, Kazunari. Why would you think that way? Is that what you truly believe?”
Kazu sighs deeply. As it seems he has hit an unfortunate sore topic here. And as much as he just wishes to ignore all that awkward talk, apologies, understanding each other and making up, there seems to be no escaping it now, especially after he unfortunately fed Satoshi with a too delicate line as it seems. He could just get it over with now. “Maybe I’ve just voiced it too extremely, but basically, yes.”
“I don’t hate you!” Satoshi says with emphasis, his eyebrows furrowed deeply. He looks almost angry. “Oh my god, you are my brother! My little brother! I can’t believe you think that! I’m just very bad at handling these things – I always was. You know that better than anyone else here. How can you even think something like that?”
“I know,” Kazu agrees shyly, getting nervous all of a sudden. He shifts around on his chair, wondering how to react now. This is worse than he imagined. Something inside him twitches slightly. Truth to be told he has missed Satoshi like crazy. “But this time it is different. You hardly even look at me. You were basically fuming in anger for weeks.”
Satoshi shrugs. “Of course I was angry, I sometimes still am. At you, for lying all this time, for skipping school, for joining a gang, for involving your younger brother. And at myself for knowing that something was off and not getting down to it earlier. I would kick myself, if I could.”
Well he has a point… Kazu stays silent for a moment, lets the words sink in before he leans back. He takes the bowl with cashew nuts, turning it in his hands nervously. What should he say now? He needs to find an excuse fast, something he can tell Satoshi to make him feel relieved. While he is still searching for a lie, Satoshi takes the bowl out of his hands all of a sudden and grabs his wrist. “Kazu, you are searching for a weird excuse again, aren’t you?” he asks softly but with emphasis. “Don’t bolt out of this.”
Kazu’s eyes snap wide open. “How did you know?”
“I know you,” Satoshi tells him. “I was too preoccupied with myself recently to see you growing up and getting caught up with your problems, and I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I really am. I should have prevented you from joining a gang. And I know I would have been able to stop you from it, but I missed my chance."
“Satoshi.” Kazu looks to the side nervously. “It’s not your fault…”
“Partly it is, because I wasn’t there for you. But I’m going to be here from now on. And I know that you are about to say something right now that might make me feel slightly at ease, but it won’t make you feel better and it won’t help us on the long run. Just say it,” he pushes. “I’m here and I’ll listen.”
Kazu licks his lips nervously. “I missed you,” he admits.
Satoshi nods, smiling warily. “I know.”
“I mean not only recently but during the last year.” He knows it’s true the moment he said it, but he is surprised himself. He hasn’t realized how much he missed the times that he was close to Satoshi. “I could always talk to you when I was a kid,” he admits. “You are like my brother and father in one. Can we go back to that time?”
Satoshi smiles warmly, and nods. “We’ll find a way.”
Satoshi’s simple promise is enough of a push for Kazu to start rambling. “During the last month,” he says. “I’ve done nothing but to apologize. And I meant it honestly every time. But if I continue with it, it will only become empty words. I’m so scared no one is going to believe me, Sa-chan. I can only restart, from scratch. And I’m really trying to do that right now, even worked on a plan to catch up with everything with Yamaguchi-sensei. And I don’t mind at all not to be allowed to go out at night. To be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to go to anyways after all that stuff happened. I know this is not very much in comparison to what happened and what I go myself into, but as I am now this is the only thing I can do. I know and understand it’s probably not enough to restore all your trust in me immediately. Not everyone can have this unconditional trust in me like Jun does, and I don’t think I actually deserve that. It just pays off that I’m his best friend too. I know all that, and I will say it once more: I’m really sorry.” He pauses and thinks about what Jun said a few weeks ago, about how changing one’s life is a bitter decision, residing of bitter moments, not of happy ones. He was so damn right. “If you have a little faith left in me – even a tiny bit – to let me show you how serious I mean it, now is about the time to reach your hand out. If not, I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say or do.”
He can see how various emotions are fighting in Satoshi’s eyes, then the latter lets out a deep sigh. “I can’t believe I stirred that many complicated emotions in you. Of course, I have faith in you,” he says and smiles warmly all of a sudden. “I have faith in you. A lot. Not only a bit. I told you, I’m going to be there for you, didn’t I? With whatever you plan to do. You promise to do better? I believe you. I know it’s not only empty words.”
Kazu doesn’t need to hear anything else. He can’t remember the last time he felt that relieved, so relieved that he feels how something behind his eyelids burns slightly. He can’t believe it. He is going to freaking cry like a baby!? Not even Jun cried when he fought with Sho (at least as far as Kazu could tell). And Jun is much more of a drama queen than he is. This is not fair. He is not the crybaby of this family!
Satoshi seems to be appalled too. “You are not going to cry on me now, are you?” His eyes are wide-opened. “Oh my god, what am I going to do now? Do you want something? Should I do something? Damn it, the last time someone cried in front of me was Sho in his tequila-night, but that was so different.” He reaches out his arms to hug Kazu awkwardly and pat his back. Despite his sight getting slightly blurred, Kazu has to laugh.
When Satoshi has somehow calmed down from his panic, he goes to fetch Kazu some glass of juice, tissues and something to eat. “I don’t mean to be impolite,” Kazu frowns when he glances into the bowl Satoshi brought along. “But Masaki’s crabs and shrimp salad? Seriously? You do know that Sho brought ice cream for Jun when they made up, right?”
“But he said it was too sweet, and he messed up preparing it, so I didn’t want to take the risk,” Satoshi explains, apparently he had really put some thought into it. Well, Kazu sighs inwardly, taking the almost too fancy salad… the nice thought counts. “So, can we talk about that other thing now?” he asks, ready to go into battle again. Together with Satoshi it should be a lot easier.
Satoshi blinks. “There is something else you want to talk about too?”
It’s impossible! Did he even listen when he came to his atelier? Unbelievable. “I even mentioned J’s name, Sa-chan!”
“You did?” Satoshi frowns. “I can’t remember…”
Kazu brushes with both hands through his hair, then he grins teasingly. “Forget we made up, I’m going to talk to Sho or Masaki!” With that he pretends to stand up, smiling inwardly when Satoshi grabs his wrist to hold him back.
“No, stay. I’ll listen.”
The good old tricks seem to still work! Good to know.
~~~
Apparently it’s pretty obvious that he and Satoshi get along with each other again. The others got it immediately too. At least Jun decides to be subtle about it, unfortunately Sho and Masaki decide differently. “Finally,” Masaki exclaims the next morning. “To celebrate our five-family-members-emotional-reunion, I’d say… we throw a special party! We’ll invite everyone!”
Kazu glares at that. Social events like that are his personal horror. He is just relieved that Satoshi looks equally shocked. To their rotten luck however there comes Sho’s answer. Recently whenever he gangs up with Masaki, they are all doomed. “I’m all with you Masaki. Let’s celebrate and make a huge barbecue. Let’s throw a party as long as they are still getting along. I was getting grey hair with waiting for these two to make up.”
“Wouldn’t have mattered,” Kazu grunts. “It’s only an addition to the grey hair you already have.”
The old Sho would have either freaked out over that and checked himself in the mirror or reprimanded Kazu for his unfriendly tone. The new yoga slash zen Sho however only smirks. “Look who is being all cheeky?” he says sweetly. “Gangleader-san.”
His teasing works cause Kazu to blush a bit. “I was not a gangleader,” he defends himself.
Now even Jun has obvious problems to keep a straight face. He smiles apologetically towards Kazu and shrugs. Okay, he has to give him credits for staying indifferent throughout the process of this talk. And that new relaxed attitude of Sho is actually pretty fun. “Do what you want,” Kazu mumbles in embarrassment and stomps off.
From far away he can hear how Masaki already makes plans for their party. They are so stupid all of them, but well… it’s still nice to have them around. Later Jun joins him and they play Mario Kart together and for the first time in months Kazu feels unconditionally calm and positive again.
A/N: Woah, I almost forgot to update! I think I'm kinda late today, aren't I?
Who would have thought that Satoshi and Kazu can be so cheesy with each other? :D But they finally talked with each other - took them forever to do that, right? :-)
Also, Jun feels guilty that the other three changed their lives for his and Kazu's sake Oo
Well, we are only one chapter away from the ending. I can't let it go, omg ^^
Pairing: Jun, Masaki, Sho, Satoshi, Kazu (there are going to be additional side-characters though. No OCs.) I'm trying to give each of the five their well-deserves spot-light <3
Rating: PG
Multi-chapter
Genre: family!AU in which Arashi are brothers :-) slice of life, a little drama (and I'm trying to add some light-hearted, funny moments to it too)
Summary: Since they were little they were always close to each other. And when unfortunate events force them to live together without their parents, it's only natural that they try to make the best out of it.
“You know, I could stay at home with you,” Jun offers with what seems to be a generous smile.
“Yeah,” Kazu grins, eyeing how Masaki and Satoshi are loading Masaki’s mini-van with all the stuff Satoshi will need for his exhibition. It’s morning, and Kazu unfortunately can’t join them out of health reasons. He can’t ride the car for so long. “You are just afraid to sit in a car for so long.”
“Hey.” Jun blushes. “Don’t point out my obvious weakness, you idiot. Actually I do feel bad if you stay at home alone.”
“I know,” Kazu sighs. “But don’t be such a huge softie and please go with them. You are like the only one in this household that sincerely likes Satoshi’s pictures! It would be awful if out of all you wouldn’t be there for his support.”
“What?” Jun blinks, and Kazu feels a bit embarrassed by the intense glance Jun shows him. “What exactly do you mean with support?”
“He always feels nervous before these events,” Kazu stutters, feeling how his cheeks heat up. “I mean, he hides it well, but he feels self-conscious then and is afraid that he might fail. I know that. So, you love his paintings. You have to be there.” Jun stays quiet after he finished his rambling, and Kazu feels more than uncomfortable all of a sudden. “What is it, J? Why are you not saying anything? Will you go?”
“I will. But there is something I don’t get,” Jun says calmly. “You really like Sa-chan a lot. Why don’t you tell him? So, he is an idiot and can’t make the first step towards you because he is overanalysing every step. Then why don’t you go and talk to him? You could just tell him that you wish him good luck for his exhibition and show your support.”
Kazu is at a loss of words, again. When did his cute little brother actually become so mature? That’s not fair at all. Recently Jun began analysing their relationships and judging their characteristics, strong and weak points on his own, basically developing his own opinion on everything. On top of that he really went to see Matsuda-sensei without even complaining. His calm approach concerning Matsuda has even unsettled Masaki, until he apparently accepted that Jun is not throwing any of his usual tantrums at them anymore.
“You grew up so much, Jun,” Kazu mumbles. “Keep that attitude going, okay? It’s pretty cool.”
“You didn’t quite answer my question though. Will you at least think about it?”
“Yes, I will, now just go!” Kazu chuckles. “I’m heading to school instead. I have an appointment with Yamaguchi-sensei. Can’t wait actually. Finally something gets going and I can go to school again.”
Jun smiles. “You changed too, you know that?”
“I did?” Kazu doesn’t quite want to believe that but there is no sign in Jun’s eyes that he is joking or just being nice. He means it. “I hope so. I’m trying hard.”
“It pays off. So don’t give up.”
He hopes Jun is right. For now though he has other things to worry about, namely his appointment with Yamaguchi-sensei, which is probably going to last forever, and he needs to pick up all the stuff from school Jun couldn’t bring him. Things he needs to make sure of personally, to know which exams to study for and how to catch up.
He has to give props to his brothers though for trusting him. He has almost expected at least Sho or Satoshi to keep some tabs on him, checking if he is really going to school. But most likely they try to be supportive, and Kazu takes a wild guess that Jun told them not to mess with him. And as it seems Jun has learned how to turn on some sort of authority-mode within them that kind of shuts up everyone… except for Sho maybe. Just as Masaki has his Buddha mode, and Sho has his new-found Zen mode… Jun has hit authority mode? Well, it could be worse.
The way to school is a twenty minutes’ walk by foot. Jun normally walks or takes the bicycle while Kazu likes to take the bus, but today Kazu decides to walk too. It takes him long though; despite the rehab and the training sessions he still has in hospital, his recovery takes some time. It’s really depressing. Still, today he decides to finally enjoy the warm weather and not bother about how he is walking too slowly and how his bones still ache and hurt.
It’s a warm day, and after the long and draining winter it feels kind of good to feel the sun against his face and see some green shining through the still brown parks. On his way he buys himself a hot coffee from this new coffee shop Jun told him about, before he finally reaches the school. It’s still public holiday, so it’s weirdly deserted and empty, only a few teachers around. He has never been to school when it was that silent and without other students. Feels like a whole different world.
He meets Nagase in the hallway. “Kazunari-kun!” Jun’s teacher smiles warmly, so that Kazu feels all comfortable immediately. “It is so nice to see you.” He pats his shoulders. “Just never scare us like that again. If you do, I’ll do something horrible to you.” He grins. “So horrible that I’m lacking references for it.”
Kazu laughs light-heartedly. “I promise, I will do a lot better. I’ve my bag full of good resolutions, believe me. It’s like the wake-up call I needed.”
“That’s good to hear.” Yamaguchi’s voice can suddenly be heard as he approaches them from the side. He smiles friendly. He has visited him in hospital a few times, which meant a lot to Kazu. “Good to see you again.”
“I’m sorry for all the troubles I gave you.” Kazu bows.
Yamaguchi grins. “You better are.”
Kazu chuckles. “Believe me, I even studied at home with Jun’s and Ryo-kun’s help. And Jun is like a watch dog right now. I think if I slack off or skip school again, he will basically bite me into my butt and chase me down to school.”
Nagase laughs. “Well, maybe you could give him a little push too.” When Kazu blinks at him, he smiles. “You know, when you were still in hospital I told him about this offer from the headmaster. But he is so stubborn, he rejected first and I could only push him to at least think about it. But why am I telling you this? He most likely already told you.”
An offer? Kazu frowns deeply. He remembers now how Jun told him that Nagase-sensei and their headmaster had something to talk to him. It was around the same day when he had that huge fight with Satoshi, and cried over it. Later on Jun said it was about the school festival… didn’t he?
Kazu lets out a tiny sigh. He lied, obviously, and Kazu was too pre-occupied with his own shit to even realize. How pathetic. When he realizes how Nagase is still waiting for an answer, Kazu smiles dazzlingly. “I will definitely kick him a bit,” he says casually. “Could you just please tell me again what exactly it was about? During my stay in hospital I was a bit out of it thanks to the whole rehab and the meds, I’m afraid I missed the one or other piece.”
“Of course.” Nagase nods. “Yamaguchi can tell you the details again. You have a lot to catch up anyway.”
“Sure,” Yamaguchi-sensei agrees. “Let me get your folder, the whole attendance record and the class schedule from the previous months… and for the upcoming months.”
Sounds bothersome, and like a lot of work, but Kazu nods nevertheless. “Yes, of course.”
“We could grab something to eat, and talk about everything over lunch,” Yamaguchi offers. “That only goes in case you don’t feel embarrassed about eating with your teacher.”
Kazu smiles warily. “With all the stages of embarrassment I went through, and how I embarrassed most of my family, eating with you lost all its scariness. So.” He bows. “Thank you for the treat. I’ll do my best, so please watch out for me.”
~~~
It’s been an exhausting day, mainly because he had so much to do. Walking to school, sitting together with Yamaguchi and going through all the stuff he needs to catch up with. Gladly his family is so well-known and respected that Yamaguchi could convince their headmaster that Kazu can pass the school year if he catches up with all the important exams he missed. Hence he and his teacher went through a working plan for Kazu about how to achieve that.
“You’ll need to go to a cram school, Kazunari-kun, or visit our tutoring classes at afternoon,” Yamaguchi said at one point, making Kazu sigh deeply. “I know, it’s going to be a lot of work, but I don’t think you can manage all of it alone. And you can’t rely on your younger brother or Ryo-kun for all of it. Besides that Ryo will have lots of work with pimping up his CV this year.”
“Do you think I should join an extra-curricular activity too right now? I mean, there is only one year left for me until I need to go to university. So should I join a few clubs or do some extra work?”
“No.” Yamaguchi shakes his head. “If you want my advice: Rely on the good image of your family right now because that already gives you some advantage for your university application, and do what’s necessary to improve your grades and pass the year. In two months, let’s sit together again and think about your CV. If you did well until then, I might suggest you to join a few clubs.”
Now Kazu is back home, eyeing the time table and the schedule he set up together with his sensei carefully. It’s crazy. Good thing that his brothers won’t let him go to any evening activities any time soon; it at least gives him time to study. Though he isn’t quite sure if he can ever dedicate himself to it and go totally ambitious like Jun – when dude has set his mind on something, he basically throws himself into it whole-heartedly –, or even worse… like Sho. But he wants to pass this year, and at least get the chance to study at a rather semi-good university.
He decides to go for his most-hated subject first. Namely maths. Whoever invented maths as a school subject, should be forever hunted by all the desperate students. He is so busy with work that he doesn’t even hear how the others return. Only when there is a knock at the door, he looks up, blinking when he sees it’s way past midnight.
Masaki almost drops out of the room again. “You study,” he whispers in awe. “Oh my god, I think I’m dreaming.”
“Oh, shut up,” Kazu mumbles, his embarrassment growing further when Masaki just grins. But it’s basically over with his calm time anyway as Jun comes too, smirking slightly.
“Filmed it,” he says.
Kazu blinks. “Filmed what?” His eyes widen when he realizes what Jun means. “You mean the exhibition?”
“Yes, including comments from Sho, Masaki, Satoshi and myself, plus Satoshi’s awkward speech, the awesome pictures in all details, and I caught Satoshi making out with someone.”
Kazu grins. “Way to go, darling. That sounds like good material.”
“And.” Jun grins, apparently he still has a trump card. “You know how Sho tends to disappear here and there for a few hours, when he is not at work and not meeting Satoshi. I heard him talking about it with Sa-chan. It’s all on tape.”
“What is it?” Kazu asks curiously.
“Yoga class!”
Kazu blinks. “You are kidding me?” When Jun shakes his head, they both burst into giggles. “So that’s how he found his zen-mode.”
“Want to watch it immediately?” Jun asks.
“Yes, why waste any time?” Kazu chuckles, watching how Jun sets everything up so that they can watch it on the huge TV-screen. Looking at him remembers him of the interesting details Yamaguchi filled him in with. It still needs a little more research though, although he knows the most important things. But to face Jun he definitely needs more information. He already called Ryo and told him to stick his nose into it. After all he was in school regularly and has more friends to rely on.
~~~
While Kazu still wonders how to find out what’s going on in Jun’s mind Mao visits, apparently not really a surprise visit. She comes for a school project as it seems. Jun only catches something to eat for them and disappears in his room. When Kazu goes to the kitchen, hell basically broke loose there.
“It’s Mao-chan!” Masaki squeals in delight. “He brought home a girl.”
“And it’s not the gangster dude!” Satoshi exclaims in relief.
“Do you think they are together?” Sho wants to know.
Masaki grins. “Want me to eavesdrop?”
“No, that wouldn’t be right.” Both Satoshi and Sho shake their heads, but look kind of pouty at the same time. “Why doesn’t he tell us if she is his girlfriend?” Sho grumbles. “I want to know.”
“Hopefully they are not making out or something like that,” Satoshi muses, and it’s the most ridiculous worry Kazu has heard from his brothers up to know. So what if they do? Who cares?
“Yeah,” Sho – of course! – agrees. “Who knows what it leads to. Just imagine them going even further. Oh my god, Kazu and Jun are still too young for that.”
Oh dear, if they knew what he and Jun already did. Jun even in the hospital during his rehab; it’s not only been kissing.
“Why doesn’t he tell us anything?” Masaki complains.
Well, no surprise Jun doesn’t give any too concrete answers to them. Unfortunately they have suddenly realized his presence, because Masaki turns around and bends over the kitchen counter. “Mao-chan and Jun?” he whispers. “What do you know?”
“Did Jun tell you something?” Sho asks curiously.
Perfect moment to lie. “No,” Kazu says. “I’m just as oblivious as you are. Just here to fetch me something to drink.”
To avoid the madness in the kitchen, he escapes it soon afterwards, well aware of the fact that none of the three believes him that he doesn’t know anything. Hah, gives him a weird feeling of satisfaction – awesome!
~~~
It’s a few days later after he started going to school again, and met up with Ryo and some other classmates more regularly that he knows for sure what’s been going on between their headmaster and Jun.
“Say, Jun.” Kazu leans against the door and eyes his brother thoughtfully. He is not sure how to begin. But when Jun puts his pen aside and looks at him insistently, he just has to. “I’ve heard something interesting last week when I went to school to talk to Yamaguchi-sensei about how I can catch up with the exams I missed. That’s when I heard it.”
Jun eyes him curiously. “What did you hear?”
It’s silent for a moment and he can only hear the clock on the wall. “That you have been participating in some kind of national dancing competition, and got into the top 10. And apparently you did well enough with your studies throughout the year that our headmaster decided to write a letter of recommendation for you to study one or even two years abroad. I heard all that.”
Jun lowers his gaze for a moment, looks all tired. “Is that so?” he asks.
“I’ve also heard-“ Kazu sits down at the edge of Jun’s bed. “That you asked him for more time. That you declined first, but he told you to think about it properly.”
“If you heard all that already, why are you still getting on my nerves with it?”
Kazu shrugs. “To make sure.”
“So, you’ve made sure of it now. And?”
“It’s perfect for you,” Kazu argues. “Why don’t you want to go? Nagase-sensei and the headmaster still believe in you and haven’t turned down their offer. You can still say yes. Do you even know how fucking important all that stuff is for your CV!? And that you can study at a top notch university then? I’ve looked up that school – it’s great, they have all kind of special artistic classes, you might even find new subjects you are interested in. You can dance there, Jun, on a professional level. That’s always been your dream. Why would you decline all these offers? It’s so freaking stupid that I can’t believe it. Even I would take them up on that offer!”
“I’ve no interest to go to that school, I don't need to dance professionally. I can still dance here. Maybe that’s even better.”
Kazu snorts. “For real? Is that your excuse? Because I don’t get it at all. You could really make something out of your life!”
Jun shakes his head, much to Kazu’s annoyance. “I don’t want to. Really.”
“Jun-”
“No, believe me.”
“Jun!” Kazu huffs out and it’s more persistent than usual and a bit sharper. “Why are you in denial? Tell me! We promised to be always honest to each other.” He smiles a bit to relieve the tension. “We even pinky-swore when we left the hospital after our parents died. So, be honest.”
Jun is silent for a while. “It’s abroad,” he finally says quietly. “It means I can’t go home for at least a year, and I won’t see you. What will happen, when I’m away?”
So that’s it. Kazu takes his hand. “Honestly?”
“Honestly!”
“I’ll miss you like crazy. I can’t even imagine you being away for one week, so… a year? But neither of us – not you, not me – should hold you back when you have a great chance. I don’t want that to happen! In the end, it’s just a year.” He smiles nervously. “As it is now, I can’t even imagine living in this house without you. I might drive the other three crazy, and they’ll drive me crazy. Up until now I always had you in between me and them, but I have relied on you way too long. I’m really sorry for the way I involved you in my mess. And the last thing I want now is to be the person holding you back.”
Jun’s lips tug nervously. “I’m not sure.”
“I’ll skype with you daily,” he promises. Something inside him twitches weirdly. One part of him, the selfish one, wants Jun to decline, but the bigger part wants Jun to accept the offer and make something awesome with his life.
“Sho said something similar a while ago,” Jun finally admits. “About how I need to make my own decisions…”
“Then make them,” Kazu demands. “Consider it properly and then make your decision. Don’t think of me or the others. For once think about yourself.”
Jun looks away all of a sudden and pulls his hand out of Kazu’s grip. “I’m not sure…”
Kazu frowns. Is there something else? Another problem? “There is something, am I right?” he finally asks. “Another reason.”
His words from before seem to have worked, because Jun lets out a deep sigh as he puts his books away silently. Then he returns to Kazu, eyes him carefully. When Kazu doesn’t avoid his glance, he gives in. “It’s too expensive.”
That indeed comes as a surprise. “What?”
“Even with the letter of recommendation and the scholarship, it’s expensive. I know Satoshi earns quite some money with his pictures, but it really depends on the season. Sho is the only one with a steady and good income at the moment. We are five people here. Every one of us has the right to live on the same level. With me going abroad, I’m suddenly going to be above it. I don’t want that to happen. Sho has sacrificed all his dreams and his ambitions for this stupid lawyer job after all, just to bring home enough money.”
“And now you think you should sacrifice all of your dreams?” Kazu wants to know.
“Yes.”
Kazu feels like someone has just kicked him in the stomach. Thanks to the recent happenings, he knows this feeling well. The more he is surprised that also the psychical pain can be that real. “What!?”
“Sho had always wanted to study astronomy,” Jun explains. “Always. He had done well. After our accident, he changed his main subject to succeed our father. Our father’s name still weighed heavily after all. Satoshi dropped out of art college to work. Yes, he still became an artist now, but think of all the pain he went through. Masaki never became a doctor though he was already working towards becoming one.” He pauses. “They gave up on everything. How could I even follow my dreams then?”
~~~
It was so like Jun to say and think something like that. Only loosely Kazu wonders how complicated a person’s feelings could possibly be. They should probably all learn from Masaki, who is always straight-forward and honest with himself. Kazu shifts around on his chair a bit. He has been studying the whole day, but he just can’t concentrate.
“Fuck,” he curses, feeling slightly annoyed with himself. This is something he normally discusses with Satoshi, but since they hardly talk to each other right now, it’s not the best timing.
He puts his books aside, turning around a bit. Did Jun think about timing when he told the others that Kazu might be in danger? Probably not. He just wanted to help. Did Masaki wonder about the right timing when he basically Buddha-solved all their problems? No, he most likely went with his instincts. And Sho when he made up with Jun and went all into zen-mode, and even told Jun to see Matsuda?
He is pretty sure that none of them even thought twice and simply decided to hurry and change things to the better.
Screw the right timing.
Kazu stands up and throws his book on his bed. He needs to get this problem out of his system, because it’s definitely on overload right now, or on low battery, depending on your perspective. With his new found resolution and courage, he leaves his room and heads for the atelier before he might start overthinking his decision again. Satoshi has two ateliers. One loft in town and one here at home. Today he is at home, gladly. Kazu stomps to the third floor and opens the door without knocking like he is afraid that he would change his mind if he thinks too much.
“We need to talk!” he calls out without any further explanation.
Sho is in the room too, talking with Satoshi and drinking a glass of wine with him. He blinks for a moment before he takes his glass. “Well, I’m taking my leave then,” he says calmly and walks by Kazu like it’s the most normal thing to see him make an entrance like this.
To his luck, he has also taken Satoshi by surprise, because the latter points at the chair next to him. “Sit down there. You still shouldn’t stand too much. Your knee,” he says, sounding friendly and a bit nervous much to Kazu’s surprise.
Kazu sits down, feeling how his courage is slowly leaving him again. What the hell is he going to do or say now? How should he start? Oh my god, how did Sho start when he solved his problems with Jun? How the hell is a problem-solving-speech supposed to start? He has no idea. The only person he has ever solved an argument with is Jun. And with Jun it’s a lot more easy and natural.
He is still pondering about how to start, when Satoshi beats him to it. “So, what do you want to talk about?”
What he wants to talk about? Is he freaking serious!?
Kazu shifts around and takes one of the cashew nuts out of a bowl and chews on it thoughtfully. Well then. Here goes nothing. He assumes phrasing words and questions in his mind and expecting Satoshi and the others to be able to read them like Jun does, is a little too much to ask from them. He should learn how to speak up. “I know I’m not particularly your favourite person right now,” he starts casually, deciding to dump the obvious topic as soon as possible and go over to his original reason to come here. “And that you pretty much hate me at the moment. But Jun-“
“Why do you think I hate you?” Satoshi asks in surprise.
Kazu frowns. How in the world could someone possibly be that dense? “You hardly talk to me,” he explains patiently. “Nor do you look at me. But it doesn’t matter, I-“
“Is that how you think I feel?” Satoshi interrupts him again, apparently in his persistent mode. His eyes are wide-opened in shock like Kazu just told him he would move to Dubai and become a sheik. “No, seriously, Kazunari. Why would you think that way? Is that what you truly believe?”
Kazu sighs deeply. As it seems he has hit an unfortunate sore topic here. And as much as he just wishes to ignore all that awkward talk, apologies, understanding each other and making up, there seems to be no escaping it now, especially after he unfortunately fed Satoshi with a too delicate line as it seems. He could just get it over with now. “Maybe I’ve just voiced it too extremely, but basically, yes.”
“I don’t hate you!” Satoshi says with emphasis, his eyebrows furrowed deeply. He looks almost angry. “Oh my god, you are my brother! My little brother! I can’t believe you think that! I’m just very bad at handling these things – I always was. You know that better than anyone else here. How can you even think something like that?”
“I know,” Kazu agrees shyly, getting nervous all of a sudden. He shifts around on his chair, wondering how to react now. This is worse than he imagined. Something inside him twitches slightly. Truth to be told he has missed Satoshi like crazy. “But this time it is different. You hardly even look at me. You were basically fuming in anger for weeks.”
Satoshi shrugs. “Of course I was angry, I sometimes still am. At you, for lying all this time, for skipping school, for joining a gang, for involving your younger brother. And at myself for knowing that something was off and not getting down to it earlier. I would kick myself, if I could.”
Well he has a point… Kazu stays silent for a moment, lets the words sink in before he leans back. He takes the bowl with cashew nuts, turning it in his hands nervously. What should he say now? He needs to find an excuse fast, something he can tell Satoshi to make him feel relieved. While he is still searching for a lie, Satoshi takes the bowl out of his hands all of a sudden and grabs his wrist. “Kazu, you are searching for a weird excuse again, aren’t you?” he asks softly but with emphasis. “Don’t bolt out of this.”
Kazu’s eyes snap wide open. “How did you know?”
“I know you,” Satoshi tells him. “I was too preoccupied with myself recently to see you growing up and getting caught up with your problems, and I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I really am. I should have prevented you from joining a gang. And I know I would have been able to stop you from it, but I missed my chance."
“Satoshi.” Kazu looks to the side nervously. “It’s not your fault…”
“Partly it is, because I wasn’t there for you. But I’m going to be here from now on. And I know that you are about to say something right now that might make me feel slightly at ease, but it won’t make you feel better and it won’t help us on the long run. Just say it,” he pushes. “I’m here and I’ll listen.”
Kazu licks his lips nervously. “I missed you,” he admits.
Satoshi nods, smiling warily. “I know.”
“I mean not only recently but during the last year.” He knows it’s true the moment he said it, but he is surprised himself. He hasn’t realized how much he missed the times that he was close to Satoshi. “I could always talk to you when I was a kid,” he admits. “You are like my brother and father in one. Can we go back to that time?”
Satoshi smiles warmly, and nods. “We’ll find a way.”
Satoshi’s simple promise is enough of a push for Kazu to start rambling. “During the last month,” he says. “I’ve done nothing but to apologize. And I meant it honestly every time. But if I continue with it, it will only become empty words. I’m so scared no one is going to believe me, Sa-chan. I can only restart, from scratch. And I’m really trying to do that right now, even worked on a plan to catch up with everything with Yamaguchi-sensei. And I don’t mind at all not to be allowed to go out at night. To be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to go to anyways after all that stuff happened. I know this is not very much in comparison to what happened and what I go myself into, but as I am now this is the only thing I can do. I know and understand it’s probably not enough to restore all your trust in me immediately. Not everyone can have this unconditional trust in me like Jun does, and I don’t think I actually deserve that. It just pays off that I’m his best friend too. I know all that, and I will say it once more: I’m really sorry.” He pauses and thinks about what Jun said a few weeks ago, about how changing one’s life is a bitter decision, residing of bitter moments, not of happy ones. He was so damn right. “If you have a little faith left in me – even a tiny bit – to let me show you how serious I mean it, now is about the time to reach your hand out. If not, I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say or do.”
He can see how various emotions are fighting in Satoshi’s eyes, then the latter lets out a deep sigh. “I can’t believe I stirred that many complicated emotions in you. Of course, I have faith in you,” he says and smiles warmly all of a sudden. “I have faith in you. A lot. Not only a bit. I told you, I’m going to be there for you, didn’t I? With whatever you plan to do. You promise to do better? I believe you. I know it’s not only empty words.”
Kazu doesn’t need to hear anything else. He can’t remember the last time he felt that relieved, so relieved that he feels how something behind his eyelids burns slightly. He can’t believe it. He is going to freaking cry like a baby!? Not even Jun cried when he fought with Sho (at least as far as Kazu could tell). And Jun is much more of a drama queen than he is. This is not fair. He is not the crybaby of this family!
Satoshi seems to be appalled too. “You are not going to cry on me now, are you?” His eyes are wide-opened. “Oh my god, what am I going to do now? Do you want something? Should I do something? Damn it, the last time someone cried in front of me was Sho in his tequila-night, but that was so different.” He reaches out his arms to hug Kazu awkwardly and pat his back. Despite his sight getting slightly blurred, Kazu has to laugh.
When Satoshi has somehow calmed down from his panic, he goes to fetch Kazu some glass of juice, tissues and something to eat. “I don’t mean to be impolite,” Kazu frowns when he glances into the bowl Satoshi brought along. “But Masaki’s crabs and shrimp salad? Seriously? You do know that Sho brought ice cream for Jun when they made up, right?”
“But he said it was too sweet, and he messed up preparing it, so I didn’t want to take the risk,” Satoshi explains, apparently he had really put some thought into it. Well, Kazu sighs inwardly, taking the almost too fancy salad… the nice thought counts. “So, can we talk about that other thing now?” he asks, ready to go into battle again. Together with Satoshi it should be a lot easier.
Satoshi blinks. “There is something else you want to talk about too?”
It’s impossible! Did he even listen when he came to his atelier? Unbelievable. “I even mentioned J’s name, Sa-chan!”
“You did?” Satoshi frowns. “I can’t remember…”
Kazu brushes with both hands through his hair, then he grins teasingly. “Forget we made up, I’m going to talk to Sho or Masaki!” With that he pretends to stand up, smiling inwardly when Satoshi grabs his wrist to hold him back.
“No, stay. I’ll listen.”
The good old tricks seem to still work! Good to know.
~~~
Apparently it’s pretty obvious that he and Satoshi get along with each other again. The others got it immediately too. At least Jun decides to be subtle about it, unfortunately Sho and Masaki decide differently. “Finally,” Masaki exclaims the next morning. “To celebrate our five-family-members-emotional-reunion, I’d say… we throw a special party! We’ll invite everyone!”
Kazu glares at that. Social events like that are his personal horror. He is just relieved that Satoshi looks equally shocked. To their rotten luck however there comes Sho’s answer. Recently whenever he gangs up with Masaki, they are all doomed. “I’m all with you Masaki. Let’s celebrate and make a huge barbecue. Let’s throw a party as long as they are still getting along. I was getting grey hair with waiting for these two to make up.”
“Wouldn’t have mattered,” Kazu grunts. “It’s only an addition to the grey hair you already have.”
The old Sho would have either freaked out over that and checked himself in the mirror or reprimanded Kazu for his unfriendly tone. The new yoga slash zen Sho however only smirks. “Look who is being all cheeky?” he says sweetly. “Gangleader-san.”
His teasing works cause Kazu to blush a bit. “I was not a gangleader,” he defends himself.
Now even Jun has obvious problems to keep a straight face. He smiles apologetically towards Kazu and shrugs. Okay, he has to give him credits for staying indifferent throughout the process of this talk. And that new relaxed attitude of Sho is actually pretty fun. “Do what you want,” Kazu mumbles in embarrassment and stomps off.
From far away he can hear how Masaki already makes plans for their party. They are so stupid all of them, but well… it’s still nice to have them around. Later Jun joins him and they play Mario Kart together and for the first time in months Kazu feels unconditionally calm and positive again.
A/N: Woah, I almost forgot to update! I think I'm kinda late today, aren't I?
Who would have thought that Satoshi and Kazu can be so cheesy with each other? :D But they finally talked with each other - took them forever to do that, right? :-)
Also, Jun feels guilty that the other three changed their lives for his and Kazu's sake Oo
Well, we are only one chapter away from the ending. I can't let it go, omg ^^
