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yume_to_ameTitle: The taming of the shrew: Chapter 7/18
Pairing: Sakumoto
Rating: R/NC-17 (not in every chapter though)
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
little_kirin
Genre: smut, romance, bit angst (no AU setting)
Plot: Is it love or hate or attraction? They share a history of ups and downs, from teenage crushes over not talking at all to accepting each other’s presence. Finally, six months ago, Sho approaches Jun, leading to them getting together. Unfortunately they can’t be in a room together without a fight. What they share though is passion, and the only time they get along is in bed. Then, during a drunk night when Jun vents out his anger, Ohno gives him the contact details of his therapist.
At the end, there remains the question: Who actually needs to tame who?
Note: This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.
Jun’s breath goes heavier than usual, his ears are ringing slightly. Somewhere he vaguely remembers something Toshida-sensei told him in case he is close to a nervous breakdown. But he can’t remember. What the fuck is he supposed to do?
It’s only when he suddenly feels both of Sho’s hands grabbing his face and forcing him to look at him, that he realizes Sho has stopped his movements. He looks down at him in concern. “Jun,” he says firmly. He slaps his cheek softly, but with insistence. “Look at me. Now. Come on, babe, look at me.”
Jun blinks a few times, taking a deep breath. This is Sho in front of him. It’s Sho. It’s alright. Sho lets out a little sigh of relief when Jun finally looks at him directly. His hand is brushing softly over his cheeks softly. “Look at me, Jun-san,” he says again, rubbing his thumb over the spots right below Jun’s eyes. “We don’t have to do anything like that tonight. You don’t need to push yourself. I’m happy with any way we have sex.”
“I,” Jun pauses, blushing slightly. He feels extremely embarrassed and nervous, scared and relieved, but also weirdly upset over not being able to give Sho what he wanted to give him so badly. “But you want to do it, right?” he stutters.
“Of course, I do.” Sho smiles, but it looks a bit tensed too. “But I don’t want you to force yourself into it. You should feel comfortable when we try something like that. You obviously don’t trust me enough to do something like that.”
Jun’s eyes snap wide open at that. His arms are unfortunately tied to the bed so he can’t do anything with them. He is not sure what he would be doing with them anyway. He must look seriously panicked because Sho shakes his head fiercely. “It’s not a reproach, dear. I don’t mean it like that at all. I don’t want to accuse you of something.” He unties Jun’s hands immediately and helps him sit up, entwining their fingers.
“I.” Jun bows his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too.” Sho slips a bit closer, wrapping his arms around Jun’s waist. “I think, at the beginning I didn’t take it seriously enough. I thought it was okay to just start from scratch with you and forget everything that happened before. It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you, things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”
“But I want to trust you,” Jun argues. “I wouldn’t have bought handcuffs otherwise. It’s not only you, I’m obviously having issues too.”
If Sho is hurt in anyway, he is hiding it well. “Let’s give it some time.” He playfully waves with the cuffs. “In a few months you’ll be able to switch your mind off completely when you are with me. And I’ll tie you to the bedframe and fuck you long and hard. How does that sound?”
Jun smiles slightly. “Kinky?” he offers. Sho chuckles, and the tension is finally away. “How did you notice?” Jun dares to ask.
“What? That you don’t trust us being together?” Sho sighs. “Well, for one you kept throwing all kinds of stuff at me, which you didn’t do to anyone else before. Also the way you got irritated at me so easily, and how you didn’t want to hear anything romantic from me. I could see the doubt in your eyes clearly. Recently you seemed to warm up though.”
“I did?” Jun blinks. So his work with Toshida is paying off? This leads him to a new problem though… he didn’t expect them to have that kind of an open talk, but now that they have… shouldn’t he tell Sho? “There is something,” he admits. “I haven’t told you yet, but…”
Sho blinks in surprise. “What didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not that I planned on doing it,” Jun rambles, sounding nervous even to his own ears. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how, and when… and it’s so embarrassing.”
“Jun-san, what is it?” Sho chuckles. “You look a bit like a teenager who’s going to admit something to his parents.”
Jun smiles nervously. “You’ll be mad if I tell you,” he repeats.
“Why do you think that?”
Jun shrugs. “You’ll think I hid it from you…”
“Well…” Sho frowns, going into thinking mode for a moment before he looks at Jun again. “Did you?”
Jun shrugs. “Maybe. I didn’t have the guts to tell you, to be honest. But I was also extremely embarrassed about it. I still am embarrassed.”
Sho tugs a bit at his arms, nodding firmly. “So tell me now. I’m going nuts with the way you are shifting around right now.”
Jun takes a deep breath. “I’m seeing a therapist for a few weeks now.” Sho’s mouth basically drops open but before he can say something, Jun stops him. “Not so much because of you, rather because of me. I hate being how I am right now. I… sometimes I can’t stand myself. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
For a while it’s silent between them, and Jun doesn’t even dare to shift his body. Then Sho lets out a sigh. “Okay, I admit,” he says. “That’s quite something to take. I think I need a drink.”
“Make it two?” Jun offers carefully, fingertips rubbing Sho’s palm soothingly. “I swear, it’s not like I wanted to hide it from you, and it wasn’t even planned that I went there. Ohno-san set me up. And it just so happened that this dude made me think about some of my issues, and made me see things differently. And suddenly I realized that I still haven’t told you about it, which is pretty bad, and…”
Sho chuckles all of a sudden, smacking Jun’s arm softly. “You are kind of cute when you ramble like that. And no, I’m not mad, a bit surprised maybe, and I wish you would have told me. But you did now. So… Let’s move to the sofa, and have a drink, and talk about this properly.”
Jun nods, and in a sudden overflow of feelings he wraps his arms around Sho to pull him closer. He can feel Sho smile against his hair, and his hands brushing over his back. “I’m not mad,” he repeats softly. “I guess I would have hid it too for a while. At least this guy did something so that you started giving us a real chance.”
Jun nods. Something behind his eyelids burns a little. It’s not because he is sad, but rather because he feels relieved to finally have told Sho. He hasn’t even realized how bad he felt for keeping it from him.
“Jun,” Sho teases. “If you don’t let go of me soon, I might not be able to restrain myself from doing naughty things to you.”
Jun smiles when he pulls back. “Well, we can still do that. After I made us dessert, and told you everything.”
“You bet.” Sho grins. “And then we can watch one of those stupid movies you fancy so much. The one with the ugly, green monster.”
“It’s Shrek, Sho-san, try to remember the title. And he is not a monster!”
Sho chuckles slightly.
~~~
Toshida-san who Jun calls by his first name Kenichi by now sighs slightly. Jun raises his hands in defence, unavoidably guilty. “I know, Kenichi-san, you warned me, and I didn’t listen… I thought I was ready to try something like that with Sho-san. I…” He pauses, not sure how to continue.
“You wanted to do something nice for him,” Toshida helps him out.
When Jun nods, he smiles slightly. “Well, it’s not like I can really appreciate this try of yours, however on the upside, you were finally able to tell your Sho-san that you are coming here. And you were able to at least mention some of the topics that are standing between you two.”
“I didn’t know how aware he was about the issues we have,” Jun admits quietly. “That he knows I don’t have faith in us.”
Toshida smiles sympathetically. Before they continue, he provides Jun with some freshly prepared macha tea though, and macha cookies. “My wife’s speciality,” he explains.
“Your wife certainly is a good cook, Kenichi-san,” Jun muses, thankful for the little distraction. “I’ve been looking for a good recipe for these cookies forever.”
“I can ask her for the recipe, not sure if she intrusts me with it though. She thinks I’m the worst cook on the planet,” Toshida jokes. “Well, cookies aside, and although you feel bad about it, I’m actually proud about the progress you are making.”
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Jun points out carefully, rubbing his temples nervously. “I mean, I didn’t do anything… Sho-san really looked panicked yesterday night when I was having this breakdown.”
“But he noticed it,” Toshida points out. “He managed to make you listen to him. And he was emotionally open and ready to listen to you. You said he didn’t scold you, he didn’t accuse you, he was just trying to understand it full-heartedly. That’s a huge progress actually.”
Jun lets one of the cookies wander between his fingers. “You think so?” he finally asks. “To me it feels like I took a step back. And it’s not like I have been doing anything special during the last weeks.”
“I think you did.” Toshida chuckles. “You actually opened a door, just a little. But your Sho-san immediately put his foot in between. You changed your habits slightly and he took the chance and went with the flow.”
“I felt relieved that I told him I’m seeing you,” Jun says after a while.
“I know.” Toshida pauses for a while, before he takes a deep breath. “You could also take him along and-“
“No way,” Jun interrupts him, smirking slightly. “Do I really articulate myself so horribly? I’m definitely not taking my partner to a therapy session. Nothing more embarrassing than that…”
“Really?” Toshida chuckles. “And here I was thinking that having sex in semi-public is embarrassing, but I guess I’m in the wrong.”
“It was not semi-public,” Jun weakly defends his and Sho’s blowjob incident from last week weakly. “It was the dressing room. Unlocked though. And…” He pauses, blushes slightly. “Could we not talk about it anymore, please?”
“I’m sorry,” Toshida says casually. “Fine, let’s talk about something else. You said Sho-san gave you a present yesterday, which led you to buying these handcuffs. What was it?”
“A bracelet,” Jun explains quietly. “It’s a bracelet. Sho-san said it’s because we are together for six months now, and he passed by this shop and just immediately thought of me when he saw it.”
He was dumbfounded the moment Sho gave to him and with his eyes wide-open in surprise, he kept stuttering some incoherent mess of thank yous. And Sho just smiled proudly, eyes shining with happiness. Before he hurried out to work, he kissed Jun once more. “And you are cute again,” he said. “It’s nothing special.”
Sho tries so hard. And still he can’t give him anything back.
“I don’t understand it,” Jun says quietly. “Sho-san is really really trying, honestly. I really believe him, still… Whenever he does something nice, it comes as such a surprise, I can hardly even grasp what happens, and I can’t give him anything back.”
Toshida sighs slightly. “Jun-san, that’s because you don’t have faith in the both of you. Maybe because you haven’t forgiven him yet for what happened years ago. Are you ready to talk to me about it? About what happened? You were already a couple once, weren’t you?”
“Well, yes,” Jun stutters. “We were together. I mean, we were really young and inexperienced and all, but we were together.”
“And?”
Jun stays silent, shifting around nervously. He knew that Toshida would ask him about this one day. But nevertheless, talking about it, still hurts so much. It’s like the moment he says it aloud everything nice Sho has done up until now will vanish again, because it would seem fake to him. Because Sho would seem fake to him.
“Did he cheat on you?” Toshida asks after a while, his voice low and careful.
Jun’s eyes snap open. “How did you know?”
“A feeling,” Toshida admits, his voice warm and soothing. “Jun-san, how exactly did it happen? Did he cheat on you once or-“
Jun sighs sadly. “It was the girl his parents wanted him to date. I understand the pressure he was under, but still…” He looks away. “It’s not been once. It’s… he went out with her several times, and they had sex. He admitted to it. Each and every time. I knew it. Every time he went to see her and have sex with her, I knew what he did. He would come to me afterwards and have sex with me, almost like she didn’t exist, like he wanted to erase the fact that she existed through fucking me. Actually, each and every time it felt like he wanted to erase something by having sex with me, like make something undone. I could see the guilt in his eyes. First I thought it’s because he betrayed me, but then I realized it’s…” He pauses, not able to say it out loud.
“Say it,” Toshida urges. “Say it, Jun-san. I need you to say it loud for once.”
“Back then he wasn’t feeling guilty because he betrayed me, he felt guilty because he came back to me every time, because he couldn’t let go, because the woman his parents chose wasn’t enough. There were days he hardly talked to me, and wasn’t really nice. At one point I couldn’t take it anymore, and I left him. And…” His voice trails off, and something behind his eyelids burns so much that he has to look away. It’s been years, still the feeling of betrayal and pain washes over him like it was just yesterday. “I did… I hated him. All those innocent feelings inside me were washed away. I was just a child…” He pauses sadly. “Sho-san, I was a child.”
“He is feeling guilty now,” Toshida says after what feels forever. “You know he does, that’s why you don’t give up on him and that’s why you agreed on giving him a second chance. I’m sure he felt also guilty about what he did to you back then, it just got mixed up with the complicated emotions hunting him and the pressure lying on him. He probably didn’t know what to do and how to handle it. Now I’m one hundred percent certain, he knows his place, and he knows the mistakes he made.”
Jun’s heart beats so fast that he believes it’s going to jump out of his chest at one point. He knows it’s true, that Sho, despite all the things he did back then, felt incredibly bad for it. It was the reason why years ago he would be so unbelievably nice sometimes, and at the same time it probably was the reason why he was so cold occasionally. Back then, maybe one part of him hoped that Jun would start hating him.
What did Sho say last night? It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”
Jun rubs his eyes. “May I use your bathroom?” He manages to breath out. Toshida nods, probably sensing that Jun is in no way ready to let these tears be seen by anyone else.
He takes his time in the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water to stop the tears from dripping down. After this therapy, he might need just another one to get over that. Oh dear, when the hell did he turn into such a crybaby?
He sighs, staring at the reflection in the mirror. He looks completely off. It’s going to be impossible to hide that expression from Sho. Was it a mistake? To agree being together with Sho again? Jun knows he needs to get over their past, but it’s still so real in front of his eyes. The indifferent expression Sho was showing whenever he had met that girl, the way his whole body smelled like perfume, how he would sleep with him just after he had slept with her… Sho was so cruel back then. He was so cruel. Maybe because he was really hurt too.
Still, the Sho of today is so different. Damn it. Why does it have to be so complicated?
A/N: OMG, I almost forgot to post today! ><
Well, here it is, and we finally know what happened between Jun and Sho previously, and why Jun can't accept Sho's kindness now. He is torn between the two Shos he knows. Of course we don't know what Sho truly thinks now and if he knows what's really going on in Jun's mind. Also Sho took the news about Jun going to a therapist pretty well for now, but we are only at Chapter 7 of course *lol* It hints for some issues to come...
Pairing: Sakumoto
Rating: R/NC-17 (not in every chapter though)
Beta:
little_kirinGenre: smut, romance, bit angst (no AU setting)
Plot: Is it love or hate or attraction? They share a history of ups and downs, from teenage crushes over not talking at all to accepting each other’s presence. Finally, six months ago, Sho approaches Jun, leading to them getting together. Unfortunately they can’t be in a room together without a fight. What they share though is passion, and the only time they get along is in bed. Then, during a drunk night when Jun vents out his anger, Ohno gives him the contact details of his therapist.
At the end, there remains the question: Who actually needs to tame who?
Note: This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.
Jun’s breath goes heavier than usual, his ears are ringing slightly. Somewhere he vaguely remembers something Toshida-sensei told him in case he is close to a nervous breakdown. But he can’t remember. What the fuck is he supposed to do?
It’s only when he suddenly feels both of Sho’s hands grabbing his face and forcing him to look at him, that he realizes Sho has stopped his movements. He looks down at him in concern. “Jun,” he says firmly. He slaps his cheek softly, but with insistence. “Look at me. Now. Come on, babe, look at me.”
Jun blinks a few times, taking a deep breath. This is Sho in front of him. It’s Sho. It’s alright. Sho lets out a little sigh of relief when Jun finally looks at him directly. His hand is brushing softly over his cheeks softly. “Look at me, Jun-san,” he says again, rubbing his thumb over the spots right below Jun’s eyes. “We don’t have to do anything like that tonight. You don’t need to push yourself. I’m happy with any way we have sex.”
“I,” Jun pauses, blushing slightly. He feels extremely embarrassed and nervous, scared and relieved, but also weirdly upset over not being able to give Sho what he wanted to give him so badly. “But you want to do it, right?” he stutters.
“Of course, I do.” Sho smiles, but it looks a bit tensed too. “But I don’t want you to force yourself into it. You should feel comfortable when we try something like that. You obviously don’t trust me enough to do something like that.”
Jun’s eyes snap wide open at that. His arms are unfortunately tied to the bed so he can’t do anything with them. He is not sure what he would be doing with them anyway. He must look seriously panicked because Sho shakes his head fiercely. “It’s not a reproach, dear. I don’t mean it like that at all. I don’t want to accuse you of something.” He unties Jun’s hands immediately and helps him sit up, entwining their fingers.
“I.” Jun bows his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too.” Sho slips a bit closer, wrapping his arms around Jun’s waist. “I think, at the beginning I didn’t take it seriously enough. I thought it was okay to just start from scratch with you and forget everything that happened before. It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you, things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”
“But I want to trust you,” Jun argues. “I wouldn’t have bought handcuffs otherwise. It’s not only you, I’m obviously having issues too.”
If Sho is hurt in anyway, he is hiding it well. “Let’s give it some time.” He playfully waves with the cuffs. “In a few months you’ll be able to switch your mind off completely when you are with me. And I’ll tie you to the bedframe and fuck you long and hard. How does that sound?”
Jun smiles slightly. “Kinky?” he offers. Sho chuckles, and the tension is finally away. “How did you notice?” Jun dares to ask.
“What? That you don’t trust us being together?” Sho sighs. “Well, for one you kept throwing all kinds of stuff at me, which you didn’t do to anyone else before. Also the way you got irritated at me so easily, and how you didn’t want to hear anything romantic from me. I could see the doubt in your eyes clearly. Recently you seemed to warm up though.”
“I did?” Jun blinks. So his work with Toshida is paying off? This leads him to a new problem though… he didn’t expect them to have that kind of an open talk, but now that they have… shouldn’t he tell Sho? “There is something,” he admits. “I haven’t told you yet, but…”
Sho blinks in surprise. “What didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not that I planned on doing it,” Jun rambles, sounding nervous even to his own ears. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how, and when… and it’s so embarrassing.”
“Jun-san, what is it?” Sho chuckles. “You look a bit like a teenager who’s going to admit something to his parents.”
Jun smiles nervously. “You’ll be mad if I tell you,” he repeats.
“Why do you think that?”
Jun shrugs. “You’ll think I hid it from you…”
“Well…” Sho frowns, going into thinking mode for a moment before he looks at Jun again. “Did you?”
Jun shrugs. “Maybe. I didn’t have the guts to tell you, to be honest. But I was also extremely embarrassed about it. I still am embarrassed.”
Sho tugs a bit at his arms, nodding firmly. “So tell me now. I’m going nuts with the way you are shifting around right now.”
Jun takes a deep breath. “I’m seeing a therapist for a few weeks now.” Sho’s mouth basically drops open but before he can say something, Jun stops him. “Not so much because of you, rather because of me. I hate being how I am right now. I… sometimes I can’t stand myself. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
For a while it’s silent between them, and Jun doesn’t even dare to shift his body. Then Sho lets out a sigh. “Okay, I admit,” he says. “That’s quite something to take. I think I need a drink.”
“Make it two?” Jun offers carefully, fingertips rubbing Sho’s palm soothingly. “I swear, it’s not like I wanted to hide it from you, and it wasn’t even planned that I went there. Ohno-san set me up. And it just so happened that this dude made me think about some of my issues, and made me see things differently. And suddenly I realized that I still haven’t told you about it, which is pretty bad, and…”
Sho chuckles all of a sudden, smacking Jun’s arm softly. “You are kind of cute when you ramble like that. And no, I’m not mad, a bit surprised maybe, and I wish you would have told me. But you did now. So… Let’s move to the sofa, and have a drink, and talk about this properly.”
Jun nods, and in a sudden overflow of feelings he wraps his arms around Sho to pull him closer. He can feel Sho smile against his hair, and his hands brushing over his back. “I’m not mad,” he repeats softly. “I guess I would have hid it too for a while. At least this guy did something so that you started giving us a real chance.”
Jun nods. Something behind his eyelids burns a little. It’s not because he is sad, but rather because he feels relieved to finally have told Sho. He hasn’t even realized how bad he felt for keeping it from him.
“Jun,” Sho teases. “If you don’t let go of me soon, I might not be able to restrain myself from doing naughty things to you.”
Jun smiles when he pulls back. “Well, we can still do that. After I made us dessert, and told you everything.”
“You bet.” Sho grins. “And then we can watch one of those stupid movies you fancy so much. The one with the ugly, green monster.”
“It’s Shrek, Sho-san, try to remember the title. And he is not a monster!”
Sho chuckles slightly.
~~~
Toshida-san who Jun calls by his first name Kenichi by now sighs slightly. Jun raises his hands in defence, unavoidably guilty. “I know, Kenichi-san, you warned me, and I didn’t listen… I thought I was ready to try something like that with Sho-san. I…” He pauses, not sure how to continue.
“You wanted to do something nice for him,” Toshida helps him out.
When Jun nods, he smiles slightly. “Well, it’s not like I can really appreciate this try of yours, however on the upside, you were finally able to tell your Sho-san that you are coming here. And you were able to at least mention some of the topics that are standing between you two.”
“I didn’t know how aware he was about the issues we have,” Jun admits quietly. “That he knows I don’t have faith in us.”
Toshida smiles sympathetically. Before they continue, he provides Jun with some freshly prepared macha tea though, and macha cookies. “My wife’s speciality,” he explains.
“Your wife certainly is a good cook, Kenichi-san,” Jun muses, thankful for the little distraction. “I’ve been looking for a good recipe for these cookies forever.”
“I can ask her for the recipe, not sure if she intrusts me with it though. She thinks I’m the worst cook on the planet,” Toshida jokes. “Well, cookies aside, and although you feel bad about it, I’m actually proud about the progress you are making.”
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Jun points out carefully, rubbing his temples nervously. “I mean, I didn’t do anything… Sho-san really looked panicked yesterday night when I was having this breakdown.”
“But he noticed it,” Toshida points out. “He managed to make you listen to him. And he was emotionally open and ready to listen to you. You said he didn’t scold you, he didn’t accuse you, he was just trying to understand it full-heartedly. That’s a huge progress actually.”
Jun lets one of the cookies wander between his fingers. “You think so?” he finally asks. “To me it feels like I took a step back. And it’s not like I have been doing anything special during the last weeks.”
“I think you did.” Toshida chuckles. “You actually opened a door, just a little. But your Sho-san immediately put his foot in between. You changed your habits slightly and he took the chance and went with the flow.”
“I felt relieved that I told him I’m seeing you,” Jun says after a while.
“I know.” Toshida pauses for a while, before he takes a deep breath. “You could also take him along and-“
“No way,” Jun interrupts him, smirking slightly. “Do I really articulate myself so horribly? I’m definitely not taking my partner to a therapy session. Nothing more embarrassing than that…”
“Really?” Toshida chuckles. “And here I was thinking that having sex in semi-public is embarrassing, but I guess I’m in the wrong.”
“It was not semi-public,” Jun weakly defends his and Sho’s blowjob incident from last week weakly. “It was the dressing room. Unlocked though. And…” He pauses, blushes slightly. “Could we not talk about it anymore, please?”
“I’m sorry,” Toshida says casually. “Fine, let’s talk about something else. You said Sho-san gave you a present yesterday, which led you to buying these handcuffs. What was it?”
“A bracelet,” Jun explains quietly. “It’s a bracelet. Sho-san said it’s because we are together for six months now, and he passed by this shop and just immediately thought of me when he saw it.”
He was dumbfounded the moment Sho gave to him and with his eyes wide-open in surprise, he kept stuttering some incoherent mess of thank yous. And Sho just smiled proudly, eyes shining with happiness. Before he hurried out to work, he kissed Jun once more. “And you are cute again,” he said. “It’s nothing special.”
Sho tries so hard. And still he can’t give him anything back.
“I don’t understand it,” Jun says quietly. “Sho-san is really really trying, honestly. I really believe him, still… Whenever he does something nice, it comes as such a surprise, I can hardly even grasp what happens, and I can’t give him anything back.”
Toshida sighs slightly. “Jun-san, that’s because you don’t have faith in the both of you. Maybe because you haven’t forgiven him yet for what happened years ago. Are you ready to talk to me about it? About what happened? You were already a couple once, weren’t you?”
“Well, yes,” Jun stutters. “We were together. I mean, we were really young and inexperienced and all, but we were together.”
“And?”
Jun stays silent, shifting around nervously. He knew that Toshida would ask him about this one day. But nevertheless, talking about it, still hurts so much. It’s like the moment he says it aloud everything nice Sho has done up until now will vanish again, because it would seem fake to him. Because Sho would seem fake to him.
“Did he cheat on you?” Toshida asks after a while, his voice low and careful.
Jun’s eyes snap open. “How did you know?”
“A feeling,” Toshida admits, his voice warm and soothing. “Jun-san, how exactly did it happen? Did he cheat on you once or-“
Jun sighs sadly. “It was the girl his parents wanted him to date. I understand the pressure he was under, but still…” He looks away. “It’s not been once. It’s… he went out with her several times, and they had sex. He admitted to it. Each and every time. I knew it. Every time he went to see her and have sex with her, I knew what he did. He would come to me afterwards and have sex with me, almost like she didn’t exist, like he wanted to erase the fact that she existed through fucking me. Actually, each and every time it felt like he wanted to erase something by having sex with me, like make something undone. I could see the guilt in his eyes. First I thought it’s because he betrayed me, but then I realized it’s…” He pauses, not able to say it out loud.
“Say it,” Toshida urges. “Say it, Jun-san. I need you to say it loud for once.”
“Back then he wasn’t feeling guilty because he betrayed me, he felt guilty because he came back to me every time, because he couldn’t let go, because the woman his parents chose wasn’t enough. There were days he hardly talked to me, and wasn’t really nice. At one point I couldn’t take it anymore, and I left him. And…” His voice trails off, and something behind his eyelids burns so much that he has to look away. It’s been years, still the feeling of betrayal and pain washes over him like it was just yesterday. “I did… I hated him. All those innocent feelings inside me were washed away. I was just a child…” He pauses sadly. “Sho-san, I was a child.”
“He is feeling guilty now,” Toshida says after what feels forever. “You know he does, that’s why you don’t give up on him and that’s why you agreed on giving him a second chance. I’m sure he felt also guilty about what he did to you back then, it just got mixed up with the complicated emotions hunting him and the pressure lying on him. He probably didn’t know what to do and how to handle it. Now I’m one hundred percent certain, he knows his place, and he knows the mistakes he made.”
Jun’s heart beats so fast that he believes it’s going to jump out of his chest at one point. He knows it’s true, that Sho, despite all the things he did back then, felt incredibly bad for it. It was the reason why years ago he would be so unbelievably nice sometimes, and at the same time it probably was the reason why he was so cold occasionally. Back then, maybe one part of him hoped that Jun would start hating him.
What did Sho say last night? It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”
Jun rubs his eyes. “May I use your bathroom?” He manages to breath out. Toshida nods, probably sensing that Jun is in no way ready to let these tears be seen by anyone else.
He takes his time in the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water to stop the tears from dripping down. After this therapy, he might need just another one to get over that. Oh dear, when the hell did he turn into such a crybaby?
He sighs, staring at the reflection in the mirror. He looks completely off. It’s going to be impossible to hide that expression from Sho. Was it a mistake? To agree being together with Sho again? Jun knows he needs to get over their past, but it’s still so real in front of his eyes. The indifferent expression Sho was showing whenever he had met that girl, the way his whole body smelled like perfume, how he would sleep with him just after he had slept with her… Sho was so cruel back then. He was so cruel. Maybe because he was really hurt too.
Still, the Sho of today is so different. Damn it. Why does it have to be so complicated?
A/N: OMG, I almost forgot to post today! ><
Well, here it is, and we finally know what happened between Jun and Sho previously, and why Jun can't accept Sho's kindness now. He is torn between the two Shos he knows. Of course we don't know what Sho truly thinks now and if he knows what's really going on in Jun's mind. Also Sho took the news about Jun going to a therapist pretty well for now, but we are only at Chapter 7 of course *lol* It hints for some issues to come...
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Date: 2016-08-28 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-28 08:11 pm (UTC)I think that Sho needs some help too. He must still have residual feelings of guilt for the way he behaved. Of course, he was only young then too, and obviously confused.
Poor Jun, no wonder he has trust issues.
Love this story 💕💕
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Date: 2016-08-28 10:03 pm (UTC)Oh my, Sho in the past was too cruel doing that to a young Jun. No wonder Jun is like traumatized. But it's nice to see that Jun was finally able to say this. And it's surprising (for Jun) that Sho reacted like that.
What? More issues? Bring on the dramaaa!
Thanks for this! Glad tou didn't forget the update 😭
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Date: 2016-08-29 03:51 am (UTC)Oh my, their relationship is so messed up. I totally feel sorry for Jun, I think I wouldn't have the strength to forgive Sho for what he did, even though his feeling might be honest now.
I wonder what issues they'll going to have now. I can imagine that Sho wants to know what Jun is talking woth his therapist, but Jun doesn't want to speak about it?
Sho tries so hard, that's definitely a thumb up for him, but what he did was really, really, really the worst....
Thanks for the update ❤
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Date: 2016-08-29 05:04 am (UTC)It does sound like a lot of drama coming, lol. BRING IT! xD
Alien!Sho is still nice, tho. Guilt must be eating him.
Thanks for the update :D
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Date: 2016-08-31 09:28 am (UTC)It accepted the thing terapeta (for now).
New problems arise now? what will happen?
I'm too curious !!!!! I look forward to the next chapter <3 grazieee
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:28 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for reading!!
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:29 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for reading and commenting, dear ♥
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:30 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for reading and commenting!! ♥♥
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:30 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for reading, dear <3
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:31 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for your lovely comment!! ♥
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Date: 2016-09-04 03:32 pm (UTC)Yes, Jun really has trust issues because of what happened back then. No wonder, right? Sho wasn't at his best during that time, although he tries really hard now...