Imbalance: 03 Dismiss

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 03: Dismiss
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline.

 

 

“Preventive, Jun,” Nino says, nothing of his usual snark in his voice. His eyes are clouded with worry, and it’s not like Jun doesn’t understand him. He knows where his worries are coming from. “Just to be safe.”

 

“No,” Jun says firmly, shaking his head. “No! I was there once, and I decided never to go back.”

 

“But it helped you back then,” Nino argues and Jun can feel Nino’s gaze following him while he puts some photographs on the wall. Out of the corner of his eyes Jun can see how Nino shifts around nervously. Bless him. For a very long time he was the only friend he had and the only one he could trust. Maybe he still is the only one he trusts, because most of the time he doesn’t even trust himself.

 

“It did,” Jun answers honestly, because he can never lie to Nino, not after everything he did for him. He can also never say no to him. If Nino pushes the subject for real, he knows he will follow his advice. “But I never want to get to the point again that I need it.”

 

“There is no shame in going to a psychological clinic,” Nino says softly. “No shame at all, you know that?”

 

“Not to the place itself,” Jun answers, his voice shaking when he thinks what led him there. “But what I did, and everything surrounding it is shameful for me. My love for Sho was shameful, and wrong. It made me sick. I loved him too much. I should never love someone to that extent again.”

 

“Is this why you left Ohno-kun?” Nino steps closer now, helping Jun with fixing the pictures on the wall of his gallery.

 

Jun turns his head, away from Nino. Thinking about Ohno hurts. “I left him because he doesn’t love me. I’m never going to this emotional place again. If he doesn’t love me, I’ll be better off alone.”

 

“It sounds so awfully rational,” Nino comments quietly.

 

“I have to be rational,” Jun mumbles. “Remember the last time when I wasn’t. If I get too deeply involved again…” Jun’s voice trails off, he doesn’t want to say it.

 

If he gets involved again, falls too deeply in love and gets tossed away again, there might not be a way back this time.

 

“Since I’m 15,” he says quietly. “It’s either been Sho or Satoshi. Sho, Satoshi, Sho, Satoshi. All the time. Maybe it’s fate that it always turns out bad. And I should finally accept that it can’t be any of them. That I’m better off without them.”

 

The scars on his arms have faded pretty fast, but he knows his emotional scars will take a long time to leave. He cannot risk it to have old wounds opened again, this time by Ohno. Who knows what will happen then? The next time Nino might not be in time, and a stay at the hospital won’t help him.

 

Nino wraps his small arms around him, giving him short but warm hug. “Maybe, Jun-kun, maybe that’s true. Maybe not.”