Flower Petals (Junba)
Sep. 29th, 2012 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lilly0 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
yume_to_ameTitle: Flower Petals
Pairing: Junba, side: Sakuraiba, Yama
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wonderfailure
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, hurt&comfort
Summary: He secretly loves Sho, always has. But when he finally opens his eyes and sees the truth, he stumbles, and falls, because he is too tired and hurt to hold himself up any longer. Who will stop him from falling apart?
Note: This was written forsyri_chii for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
arashi_exchange.
It crumbled. All around him. His world crumbled, scattering into thousands of pieces. He is sure it made a cracking noise inside him, something so loud that he wondered if anyone else heard it. It has to be the end, because he was sure he won’t be able to survive such a break inside him.
But it didn’t happen. He was still alive. He was still there, watching, until the realization hit him that for him this game is over. He didn’t have a chance, most likely never had.
Because Sho doesn’t love him.
He never did.
******
“Aiba-chan, in for a drink afterwards?” Nino turned his head slightly, still concentrating on the scripts in his hands. Aiba knew that Nino will never admit it, but he’s still nervous before every life appearances they have. It doesn’t quite fit his cool image though, but Aiba can see through the masquerade – he has always been good with that.
“Sure,” Aiba smiled.
He had always been good in looking through others’ masquerades, because his own is perfect.
“Great,” Nino sounded pleased. “Sho will come too,”
For a moment Aiba was sure the world stopped spinning. It halted, for a moment, laughed at him, enjoyed the moment of shock on his face. Sho will come too.
The world started turning again.
“Sounds good,” Aiba sounded joyful, but his smile was scattering. He can’t stop it from falling apart.
******
If Aiba thought about the first time he realized his feelings for Sho, he had to go far far back in time.
There was no specific date or moment, nothing special happened between them, but he remembered how they all had finished shooting a TV Special and went for a drink together. It was the evening where they all shared their doubts and fears with each other – for the first time ever.
Aiba was sure that this was the day where they became the group he had always been dreaming of.
Before it, they were random band mates, loosely friends, some of them sticking together more, others less. But this evening, they became friends by fate.
It was their turning point.
And it was Aiba’s turning point. When he listened to Sho, opening up to them, sharing his feelings about his family, his fears of disappointing his father, his fears of disappointing himself, his doubts towards his skills, it made Aiba’s heart clench in pain.
But it wasn’t pity that drew him to Sho, it was respect for someone who was able to talk about his own fears and doubts. Something Aiba had problems with, ‘til now. Someone who seemed closed, but can open up at the right time. Unlike Aiba, who seemed happy most of the time, even when he’s not.
At this evening Aiba knew that he was lost. He had always had a crush on Sho, admired his perfect body, loved the way he smiled, adored his bad jokes and his sharp mind. In Aiba’s eyes Sho was perfect.
After this evening he knew that he wasn’t perfect. He was even better than perfect, because he didn’t pretend to be perfect.
Sleeping with Sho was everything Aiba dreamed of. They were both drunk, or at least that was what Aiba told Sho the next day when he saw his shocked face.
“Sorry, Aiba-chan… I didn’t mean to… I can’t even remember.” Sho paused. “What happened yesterday?”
Aiba chuckled at the way Sho blushed in embarrassment. It was indeed cute. “We were drunk, I guess? Don’t worry, Sho-kun, I’m not going to force you into marriage now. Also, I’m not pregnant,”
Sho laughed about that and it sent shivers of joy through Aiba’s body. It was a drunk fuck, yes, but maybe, maybe, if he played his cards correctly, he would be able to be at Sho’s side for real.
“If we ever feel…the pressure… again, let’s meet up for some fun, alright?” Aiba suggested it while ignoring the warning bells in his head. In the end, he knew, he would be the one who got hurt.
Sho’s eyes looked at him doubtfully. “Aiba-chan…”
“No, really, you are thinking too much. What happened last night and this now was nothing.” Aiba tried to smile, while his heart stopped for a moment when he saw Sho’s relieved expression. It was nothing.
They met for a few times then suddenly Sho stopped. Aiba didn’t know why but something inside him kept telling him that he might have shown too much of his feelings. That Sho might have grown suspicious.
He asked Nino about it.
“You know,” Nino angled for a sushi. “He doesn’t want to hurt you. Sho’s a smart guy and to be honest, starting this friends with benefits thing wasn’t a good idea to begin with. He knows that.”
“Yes,” Aiba nodded his head. He felt relieved that apparently Sho didn’t grow suspicious. He was just trying to prevent any damage.
“He doesn’t want to hurt you,” Nino repeated. “And he doesn’t want to get hurt. Now you can both open your eyes and search for someone you really love.
Search for someone you really love.
Aiba can still feel the pain when he recalled these words. How is he supposed to search for someone he loves, when the one he loves is right in front of him… but doesn’t want him?
******
Aiba knew it was stupid, but he clung to the fact that Sho never officially dumped him. That there was still hope for them. That one day Sho would open his eyes and look directly into Aiba’s, a warm and loving smile on his lips. He would reach out his hand then, taking Aiba’s and tugging him closer. They would kiss, a real kiss, between two people who loved each other.
That was how it was supposed to be.
But Sho never opened his eyes towards Aiba.
He did open them…but not for Aiba. He did it for Ohno.
******
When Aiba looked into his reflection in the mirror, he hated it. There was nothing likeable about his face, nothing beautiful.
It’s plain and ugly and boring. And Aiba just wished for someone to hit this face and destroy it, to scratch it away. So that he would never need to look at it in the mirror again.
But whenever he opened his eyes, it’s still there. His ugly face.
Aiba got angry all of a sudden, furious. He raised his fist, hit it against the mirror. Finally, he felt it. Pain ran through his body, his fingers trembled at the sudden impact with the mirror, blood ran over his hand.
It felt so good.
******
“What did you do to your hand?”
Aiba was wearing gloves. There was no need for anyone to see his hand. He only cleaned the wound loosely, not caring for it. The pain made him feel good and alive.
Aiba wanted to pull his hand away, but Jun was faster. His grip was firm around his wrist when he pulled Aiba’s arm closer and checked on it. Then he removed the glove and Aiba felt his heart almost stopping. For a moment it was awkwardly quiet, only Jun’s breath can be heard, hitching slightly. He pressed one of his fingers on the bruises, carefully touching it. He frowned. “What did you do to your hand?” He repeated the question from before and Aiba was pretty sure that Jun wanted an answer, now.
“I stumbled and dropped down on a mirror,” he explained while blushing. “I’m so clumsy,” He hoped that Jun will take his blush as embarrassment not as the fact that he just lied.
Jun didn’t say anything. He let go of Aiba’s hand and looked away for a moment. Something inside Aiba’s stomach tugged in fear. He wasn’t reassured when Jun looks back at him, because the look in Jun’s eyes was so dark. As if he knew. “I’ll check on that later. You at home tonight?”
Aiba nodded.
He waited for Jun to leave the room, before his body started trembling and allowed himself to let go of the tension.
Just how much does Jun know?
His dark eyes were always awake, always watching, always attentive.
How much has he seen?
******
“Stay still.”
Jun was annoyed while he cleaned up Aiba’s wound. Aiba can tell it by the way his voice shivered slightly and his right eye twitched almost invisibly. Jun was difficult to read, but there were these little signs that gave Aiba a hint. Always.
This time his guts told him that Jun knew more than he gave away.
Aiba was not sure if Jun was mad at him, or at the fact that he hurt his hand with intent. Or maybe he was mad at Sho and Ohno. Mad at himself for giving these two the fault and angry that he hasn’t watched out better for Aiba.
That’s most likely the way Matsumoto Jun’s mind works.
Aiba always thought that Jun was interesting. The way he can be self-confident and straight-forward and still so soft. The way he was all rough and sarcastic sometimes, but can’t help caring and looking after others.
Jun’s mind was definitely a likeable one.
“Sorry,” Aiba mumbled and didn’t voice out what exactly he was sorry for. But apparently it’s enough for Jun – he only nodded his head, his gaze became softer now.
“It’s okay,”
******
“Jun?” Aiba was clearly surprised, not hiding it at all. “What are we doing here?” He thought they will watch a movie together or have a nice dinner. But he didn’t expect Jun to tug him into his car and drove to this place.
It’s almost deserted. In the middle of the forest, only one lonely house stood. If they were in a horror movie, this would be the moment to run. But it isn’t a horror movie and Jun walked around the house confidently, before he opened the door. Then he bowed. “Good evening, Sensei. I brought a guest,”
Sensei? Aiba’s gaze wandered from Jun to the man standing in front of them. He is rather old, hair white, face wrinkled, but his appearance is quite strong.
Jun was obviously amused by his confusion. “This is my Kendo teacher,”
“You are doing Kendo?” Aiba stared at Jun in surprise. “I didn’t know that!”
“Not professional. I’m only doing it for me, to get some balance into my life. Sometimes it’s also good to get rid of frustration, anger, doubts. It leaves you thinking about your own mind and your own abilities and makes you realize your strength. That’s why I’m doing Kendo,”
It leaves you thinking about your own mind and your own abilities and makes you realize your strength.
Aiba wondered if this also goes for him, if it will make him realize his own strengths. He highly doubted it, but there was no way he can escape this. He was way more afraid of uncomfortable questions Jun might ask if he decided to run than failing in Kendo.
My strengths. Do I have any strengths?
Aiba doesn’t know the answers to this question. He also doesn’t know it once he’s finished training. But he had to admit one thing: For a moment he had forgotten about his problems. He felt tired – the good kind of tiredness. And he felt contented with himself.
It was fun with Jun. As long as Jun is around, he doesn’t feel that empty at all.
******
By now, Aiba realized that Jun has many shades of colors. He can be engulfed by a purple gentleness when he is worried. He can be sparkling, almost shining in yellow and orange, when he is feeling happy. He can also radiate in a dangerous red when he is angry.
Like now. It’s red.
“Give that to me!”
“But…” Aiba drew back a bit, not looking at Jun. He wanted to run, but he didn’t know where to.
“Give it to me,” Jun’s voice sounded softer now, almost alluring Aiba. But it’s still firm. It’s difficult not to listen to Jun and do what he says when he is firm like that. “You don’t want to do it, do you?”
“I’m not strong,” Aiba mumbled sadly. “I have no strength at all.”
“Yes, you have,” Jun’s voice was still firm. Aiba can tell that he believed in his words. He didn’t doubt Jun. He only doubted himself. And he wondered if he can believe in these words, too.
“Give it to me,” Jun repeated. “Now!”
For a moment Aiba considered his options, but he didn’t have any. Like so often in his life. So, he reached out his hand. Before he can even grasp the situation, Jun already took the scissors out of his hands and put it away immediately. They were engulfed by silence now then Jun’s hands were suddenly on his shoulders, shaking him slightly.
“You are strong, Aiba. You are so strong. You just don’t know it yet,”
“How do you know that?” Aiba wanted to know. He was surprised when Jun suddenly reached out his hands, stroked it over his cheeks. He didn’t even realize that he was crying. But Jun’s hands were wet when he pulled them away again, by Aiba’s tears and sweat, and for a moment Aiba felt lost. He wanted these hands to be back, to hold him and comfort him. Jun’s hands were strong after all. He has a pair of strong, beautiful hands.
“You know, Masaki,” Jun spoke again and Aiba was surprised that he used his first name. But it’s a pleasant surprise, not an awkward one. “We all feel unsure sometimes, we feel sad and crushed, we feel hopeless and worthless. We feel weak and hated. And alone. All of us have these feelings sometimes,”
“You too?” Aiba wanted to know.
Jun sighed. “Of course. But we can’t lose to these feelings. If you go now, what will you miss? Aren’t you afraid of missing wonderful experiences and wonderful moments? Aren’t you sad when you think of the possibilities the future you might miss if you give up now?”
Aiba stayed silent for a moment. He almost felt how something inside him worked in itself. Then his heart jumped slightly, it’s the first time since months that he felt like that – alive. “Maybe,” he answered, almost too silent for anyone to hear it. But he was sure Jun heard him. “I haven’t thought about that,”
******
It’s not Sho’s fault.
Aiba repeated these words towards Jun.
Jun nodded his head. “I know,”
“He was just an excuse,” Aiba explained. He felt like talking suddenly and Jun let him. He was sitting there, listening. He was patient and caring. And he was there. “For gloomy feelings I had, even before I found out about him and Riida.”
Jun smiled sadly. “Sho loves you, Masaki. Just not like that. He worries about you, he cherishes you, he feels for you. He loves you, as a friend.”
“I know,” Aiba mumbled. “I always knew. I was clinging to this tiny piece of hope and I totally lost myself in it. I feel so embarrassed… Being in love is okay, but losing it, like I did? It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
Jun shook his head. “It’s okay. It can happen to all of us. It happened to me too,” he paused, not sure how to continue. “But, is it only about Sho-kun, or also about something else?”
For a moment there was silence again. Aiba was struggling for words, wondering how he should voice it out. Then he simply said it. “You are all so beautiful. So talented. So strong. In everything you do. But I, I am just… nothing. I’m so plain and boring. A burden. I don’t understand why you even stick with me.”
Aiba was surprised when Jun laughed. “I’ve never heard something that stupid! Obviously, you haven’t watched us probably, or you would have realized Sho’s horrifying dancing skills. Riida’s non-existent sense for good jokes. My self-destructive perfectionism. And Nino’s fear about his body condition.” Jun shook his head. “We are just perfect because you see us like that.” He poked Aiba’s forehead. “It always depends on the person that is looking at us. You know, there is this saying: No matter how you look like, even if you forget to wash your hair or if you wear the ugliest clothes, the person in love with you will always think that the sun is shining inside of you.”
Aiba smiled. The sun. He liked this thought. “I think the sun is always shining inside of you,” he stated, laughing when Jun blushed suddenly.
******
“Please, watch your hands,” Nino pretended to be annoyed while rolling his eyes when Ohno put his hand on Sho’s knee.
“He is right,” Jun agreed. “Don’t you have your own room for this stuff?”
“Hey,” Ohno frowned. “It’s not my fault that you two aren’t getting laid!”
For a moment, Jun and Nino exchanged glances. “I swear,” Nino grumbled. “He is so going to regret that!”
Out of the corner of his eyes, Jun saw Sho looking at Aiba who was absent-mindedly staring into space. He didn’t hear the conversation they were having right now. For a moment, Jun and Sho’s eyes crossed. Jun saw it clearly inside of Sho’s pools that he knew. Maybe he always knew. But that he never figured out what to do about it.
Sho felt sorry. Though it was not his fault.
And Jun felt sorry that he has no one to blame.
******
“Wow,” Ohno chuckled slightly. “I’ve never heard someone talking so much about Jun,”
“Me too,” Sho smiled warmly at Aiba. It’s the first time he met Aiba alone since months. “You two are getting along pretty well, aren’t you?”
Aiba blinked when he heard those words and realized the hope in Sho’s voice. It made him feel appalled and surprised immediately, and a bit relieved. Sho had been watching him, always. It’s a good feeling to know that he cared, even though he wasn’t in love.
When they were alone for a moment, Aiba gathered his courage to face Sho directly. “I want you to be happy,”
“Eh?”
“Don’t always think and worry about me,” Aiba continued. “Riida won’t be happy if you never pay him your full attention. You don’t need to feel guilty or worried. You can’t force any feelings. But I’m okay now. It’s my own fault for letting myself sink that low. But I have Jun now; he is going to watch out for me.”
Sho tilted his head and scanned Aiba from head to toe. Then he lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry,”
Aiba smiled. “Don’t be. I’m glad I had these feelings for you. As much as it hurt, it also meant a lot to me. It was wonderful to be in love with you. I don’t want to miss this feeling,”
“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid,”
Aiba stayed silent, mainly because he had no idea how to give such a difficult promise. It was one of the biggest differences between Sho and Jun. Jun would never ask him to give such a promise. “I was already at a low point. I can’t say I’m over these dark feelings, but I’m working on it. I’m going to work on my problems from now on. It’s my life and I want to be the one who leads it. I don’t want anyone else, any gloomy feelings, any darkness, to lead me. It should be my strength that leads me,”
******
“I hate therapy,” Aiba massaged his temples and tried not to think about how much he loathed it to go to therapy.
“You are saying that for weeks already,”
Aiba glared at Jun and thought he could show a tiny bit more sympathy. “I hate my doctor,”
“Yeah, me too,”
“Eh?” Aiba was surprised. “Why?”
“He is a hot guy, which means he is a potential danger for me.” Jun chuckled at Aiba’s confused expression. He didn’t explain his words. It’s not necessary. Aiba will realize the truth himself, maybe not now, but one day he will. Jun can be very patient, if he wanted to, and with Aiba he wanted to be patient. “In for some dinner?”
“What do you mean with danger?” Aiba insisted to know.
“I thought about omurice,” Jun mused. “Haven’t had it in ages,”
“HEY JUN! What did you mean!?”
“Maybe we could put some mushrooms into it? I’ve always liked that…”
Aiba glared. “Jerk,” he grumbled.
Jun merely laughed.
******
Aiba learned that it’s about respect. The respect he felt towards himself. He tried to find points he respected and cherished and he tried to find out what others respected about him. The one point that hit him the most is that apparently people liked him.
He still didn’t feel hot and sexy and talented and cool and good-looking, but he started to feel likeable. He didn’t know why, he can’t understand it, but…
Others liked him.
So he can’t be a complete fail, can he?
******
“How’s your therapist?” Nino wanted to know. “Jun said he is a jerk,”
Aiba laughed. “He is quite good-looking, but he really is a jerk. Well, at least he is helpful. That’s the most important, right?”
Nino nodded his head before he laughed. “Poor Jun,” he grinned. “He does have it difficult,”
“What do you mean with that?”
“First, your feelings for Sho. Now, the hot therapist you have to visit regularly,” Nino chuckled. “I feel sorry for him, but he is a strong guy, gladly,”
Aiba chewed on his pencil. “I don’t get it. Jun is much hotter than my therapist,”
Nino’s eyes gleamed when he heard that. “Maybe you should tell him that? I bet Jun would be very interested to hear it,”
Aiba was very surprised and also quite amused in the way Jun blushed, so he repeated it again. “He is not half as hot as you are,”
“I prepared onigiri for today,” Jun said instead of answering to Aiba’s words. “You like them, don’t you?”
“No, really,” Aiba continued. “He is quite hot, but I don’t like him all that much. He does a great job, but as a guy…no way I would be interested. You are the better guy,”
“I used salmon for half of them. The other half is filled with tuna. And I made a few vegetable ones – you need to eat something healthy occasionally. Also you lost weight - too much of it. You need to watch out for that. Too thin is not good,”
“For a guy,” Aiba mused. “It’s important for me that he is strong and self-confident. I like someone to lean on to, but I don’t want some sort of self-centred idiot. Not the know-it-all type. Not one who is horrible at showing his feelings. I mean, someone who is too closed can be so much work, now imagine, he doesn’t show any feelings at all? I like someone who knows when something is wrong with me. God, I sound like a spoiled brat,”
Jun tilted his head, suddenly sounding interested. “Makes me wonder why you liked Sho then. Doesn’t sound at all like your description?”
Aiba blinked then he dropped down laughing. The way he curled around on the floor made Jun frown in worry first, but then he laughed, too. Aiba sat up and eyed Jun curiously. “I thought you like Sho!”
“I do,” Jun snorted, obviously happy about Aiba’s good mood. “I love him like a brother, but this dude can mess up so much.”
Aiba grinned. “You sound like you had a crush on him too,”
“Who knows?” Jun smiled sympathetically. “Didn’t we all have a crush on him once?”
“Wait,” Aiba frowned. “WHAT!?”
“Though Nino’s only lasted for about 10 hours, then he moved on. He has always been the smartest of us,”
Aiba laughed. “Poor Sho. It’s not his fault. But back then he was like the perfect guy. Typical high-school love,”
“Totally,” Jun agreed.
Aiba looked at Jun curiously. “You only had a light crush on him, right?”
For a moment something in Jun’s eyes flickered. He was about to wipe it away and hide it, but Aiba was faster. He has always been good at reading his friends. “What…” he paused. “Jun… what…”
Jun sighed. “Sho was definitely my first love,” he explained, still wary. But he decided to be a good example for Aiba, dealing with his worries and messed up feelings openly. “But he wasn’t interested. Back then, he seemed to be more interested in you. Nino told me that you had sex, so, I moved on.”
“But,” Aiba felt his heart hammering against his chest like madly. What did Jun say a few weeks ago? “It’s okay. It can happen to all of us. It happened to me too.”
It was the first time Aiba realized how similar he and Jun were.
“I’m sorry, Jun,”
Jun blinked for a moment then he laughed. He smacked the back of Aiba’s head. “Idiot, that was years ago. I’m not in love with Sho anymore. Not at all. He is Riida’s problem now,”
“Thank God Riida is patient,” Aiba mused. He was surprised by his words. It was the first time he actually joked about his feelings for Sho. Does that mean he was over him? Finally. “I’m over him,” Aiba was surprised by the firm way he said it. It was more like a statement he made to himself than to Jun. It meant the world to him, maybe even more.
“Good,” Jun smiled warmly. “From now on it will only become better,”
******
From now on it will only become better.
Jun was preparing their dinner, like he was always doing. Aiba knew he should feel embarrassed and guilty because Jun showed him so much kindness. But he didn’t feel guilty – he enjoyed it too much.
Aiba nodded his head and watched Jun properly. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by the sight in front of him and he can’t fight the urge to lean his head against Jun’s back. Because his back was so strong, his whole presence also was.
Jun was surprised at first when Aiba wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, his head rested against his back. Then he smiled and touched Aiba’s hand softly, before he continued to prepare their dinner.
Aiba felt some well-known warmth inside his body. It’s not the kind of Sahara heat like it was with Sho, not this storm, this overwhelming kind of feeling, but it felt warm and comfortable and good. Love has different kinds of shades, depending on the person one fell for. His love for Sho was an unhealthy one. Aiba was more cautious now, more careful; he was not presenting his heart on a plate anymore. And he was glad about that. Jun handled it the same.
Maybe, this will be his last station. From today on, the pain won’t come back, because he already found something that takes the place of it.
His heart jumped a bit. From now on it will only become better.
“Yes,” he said to himself. “It will become better,” He set the table and decided to open the bottle of wine Nino sent him from his last love-trip to Italy. It was an expensive wine, considering how stingy Nino normally was with these kinds of things, which meant even more. Aiba never opened it; he only planned to open it for when a very special occasion comes.
And that very special occasion came today.
He decided that today is the perfect day to open that very special wine.
******
Note: Dear friends and readers! Thanks so much for all your support <3 To thank you I opened up a Request Post. If you feel like requesting a one-shot with a specific pairing or situation you can do so HERE.
Pairing: Junba, side: Sakuraiba, Yama
Beta:
wonderfailureRating/Warnings: PG-13, hurt&comfort
Summary: He secretly loves Sho, always has. But when he finally opens his eyes and sees the truth, he stumbles, and falls, because he is too tired and hurt to hold himself up any longer. Who will stop him from falling apart?
Note: This was written for
syri_chii for arashi_exchange.It crumbled. All around him. His world crumbled, scattering into thousands of pieces. He is sure it made a cracking noise inside him, something so loud that he wondered if anyone else heard it. It has to be the end, because he was sure he won’t be able to survive such a break inside him.
But it didn’t happen. He was still alive. He was still there, watching, until the realization hit him that for him this game is over. He didn’t have a chance, most likely never had.
Because Sho doesn’t love him.
He never did.
******
“Aiba-chan, in for a drink afterwards?” Nino turned his head slightly, still concentrating on the scripts in his hands. Aiba knew that Nino will never admit it, but he’s still nervous before every life appearances they have. It doesn’t quite fit his cool image though, but Aiba can see through the masquerade – he has always been good with that.
“Sure,” Aiba smiled.
He had always been good in looking through others’ masquerades, because his own is perfect.
“Great,” Nino sounded pleased. “Sho will come too,”
For a moment Aiba was sure the world stopped spinning. It halted, for a moment, laughed at him, enjoyed the moment of shock on his face. Sho will come too.
The world started turning again.
“Sounds good,” Aiba sounded joyful, but his smile was scattering. He can’t stop it from falling apart.
******
If Aiba thought about the first time he realized his feelings for Sho, he had to go far far back in time.
There was no specific date or moment, nothing special happened between them, but he remembered how they all had finished shooting a TV Special and went for a drink together. It was the evening where they all shared their doubts and fears with each other – for the first time ever.
Aiba was sure that this was the day where they became the group he had always been dreaming of.
Before it, they were random band mates, loosely friends, some of them sticking together more, others less. But this evening, they became friends by fate.
It was their turning point.
And it was Aiba’s turning point. When he listened to Sho, opening up to them, sharing his feelings about his family, his fears of disappointing his father, his fears of disappointing himself, his doubts towards his skills, it made Aiba’s heart clench in pain.
But it wasn’t pity that drew him to Sho, it was respect for someone who was able to talk about his own fears and doubts. Something Aiba had problems with, ‘til now. Someone who seemed closed, but can open up at the right time. Unlike Aiba, who seemed happy most of the time, even when he’s not.
At this evening Aiba knew that he was lost. He had always had a crush on Sho, admired his perfect body, loved the way he smiled, adored his bad jokes and his sharp mind. In Aiba’s eyes Sho was perfect.
After this evening he knew that he wasn’t perfect. He was even better than perfect, because he didn’t pretend to be perfect.
Sleeping with Sho was everything Aiba dreamed of. They were both drunk, or at least that was what Aiba told Sho the next day when he saw his shocked face.
“Sorry, Aiba-chan… I didn’t mean to… I can’t even remember.” Sho paused. “What happened yesterday?”
Aiba chuckled at the way Sho blushed in embarrassment. It was indeed cute. “We were drunk, I guess? Don’t worry, Sho-kun, I’m not going to force you into marriage now. Also, I’m not pregnant,”
Sho laughed about that and it sent shivers of joy through Aiba’s body. It was a drunk fuck, yes, but maybe, maybe, if he played his cards correctly, he would be able to be at Sho’s side for real.
“If we ever feel…the pressure… again, let’s meet up for some fun, alright?” Aiba suggested it while ignoring the warning bells in his head. In the end, he knew, he would be the one who got hurt.
Sho’s eyes looked at him doubtfully. “Aiba-chan…”
“No, really, you are thinking too much. What happened last night and this now was nothing.” Aiba tried to smile, while his heart stopped for a moment when he saw Sho’s relieved expression. It was nothing.
They met for a few times then suddenly Sho stopped. Aiba didn’t know why but something inside him kept telling him that he might have shown too much of his feelings. That Sho might have grown suspicious.
He asked Nino about it.
“You know,” Nino angled for a sushi. “He doesn’t want to hurt you. Sho’s a smart guy and to be honest, starting this friends with benefits thing wasn’t a good idea to begin with. He knows that.”
“Yes,” Aiba nodded his head. He felt relieved that apparently Sho didn’t grow suspicious. He was just trying to prevent any damage.
“He doesn’t want to hurt you,” Nino repeated. “And he doesn’t want to get hurt. Now you can both open your eyes and search for someone you really love.
Search for someone you really love.
Aiba can still feel the pain when he recalled these words. How is he supposed to search for someone he loves, when the one he loves is right in front of him… but doesn’t want him?
******
Aiba knew it was stupid, but he clung to the fact that Sho never officially dumped him. That there was still hope for them. That one day Sho would open his eyes and look directly into Aiba’s, a warm and loving smile on his lips. He would reach out his hand then, taking Aiba’s and tugging him closer. They would kiss, a real kiss, between two people who loved each other.
That was how it was supposed to be.
But Sho never opened his eyes towards Aiba.
He did open them…but not for Aiba. He did it for Ohno.
******
When Aiba looked into his reflection in the mirror, he hated it. There was nothing likeable about his face, nothing beautiful.
It’s plain and ugly and boring. And Aiba just wished for someone to hit this face and destroy it, to scratch it away. So that he would never need to look at it in the mirror again.
But whenever he opened his eyes, it’s still there. His ugly face.
Aiba got angry all of a sudden, furious. He raised his fist, hit it against the mirror. Finally, he felt it. Pain ran through his body, his fingers trembled at the sudden impact with the mirror, blood ran over his hand.
It felt so good.
******
“What did you do to your hand?”
Aiba was wearing gloves. There was no need for anyone to see his hand. He only cleaned the wound loosely, not caring for it. The pain made him feel good and alive.
Aiba wanted to pull his hand away, but Jun was faster. His grip was firm around his wrist when he pulled Aiba’s arm closer and checked on it. Then he removed the glove and Aiba felt his heart almost stopping. For a moment it was awkwardly quiet, only Jun’s breath can be heard, hitching slightly. He pressed one of his fingers on the bruises, carefully touching it. He frowned. “What did you do to your hand?” He repeated the question from before and Aiba was pretty sure that Jun wanted an answer, now.
“I stumbled and dropped down on a mirror,” he explained while blushing. “I’m so clumsy,” He hoped that Jun will take his blush as embarrassment not as the fact that he just lied.
Jun didn’t say anything. He let go of Aiba’s hand and looked away for a moment. Something inside Aiba’s stomach tugged in fear. He wasn’t reassured when Jun looks back at him, because the look in Jun’s eyes was so dark. As if he knew. “I’ll check on that later. You at home tonight?”
Aiba nodded.
He waited for Jun to leave the room, before his body started trembling and allowed himself to let go of the tension.
Just how much does Jun know?
His dark eyes were always awake, always watching, always attentive.
How much has he seen?
******
“Stay still.”
Jun was annoyed while he cleaned up Aiba’s wound. Aiba can tell it by the way his voice shivered slightly and his right eye twitched almost invisibly. Jun was difficult to read, but there were these little signs that gave Aiba a hint. Always.
This time his guts told him that Jun knew more than he gave away.
Aiba was not sure if Jun was mad at him, or at the fact that he hurt his hand with intent. Or maybe he was mad at Sho and Ohno. Mad at himself for giving these two the fault and angry that he hasn’t watched out better for Aiba.
That’s most likely the way Matsumoto Jun’s mind works.
Aiba always thought that Jun was interesting. The way he can be self-confident and straight-forward and still so soft. The way he was all rough and sarcastic sometimes, but can’t help caring and looking after others.
Jun’s mind was definitely a likeable one.
“Sorry,” Aiba mumbled and didn’t voice out what exactly he was sorry for. But apparently it’s enough for Jun – he only nodded his head, his gaze became softer now.
“It’s okay,”
******
“Jun?” Aiba was clearly surprised, not hiding it at all. “What are we doing here?” He thought they will watch a movie together or have a nice dinner. But he didn’t expect Jun to tug him into his car and drove to this place.
It’s almost deserted. In the middle of the forest, only one lonely house stood. If they were in a horror movie, this would be the moment to run. But it isn’t a horror movie and Jun walked around the house confidently, before he opened the door. Then he bowed. “Good evening, Sensei. I brought a guest,”
Sensei? Aiba’s gaze wandered from Jun to the man standing in front of them. He is rather old, hair white, face wrinkled, but his appearance is quite strong.
Jun was obviously amused by his confusion. “This is my Kendo teacher,”
“You are doing Kendo?” Aiba stared at Jun in surprise. “I didn’t know that!”
“Not professional. I’m only doing it for me, to get some balance into my life. Sometimes it’s also good to get rid of frustration, anger, doubts. It leaves you thinking about your own mind and your own abilities and makes you realize your strength. That’s why I’m doing Kendo,”
It leaves you thinking about your own mind and your own abilities and makes you realize your strength.
Aiba wondered if this also goes for him, if it will make him realize his own strengths. He highly doubted it, but there was no way he can escape this. He was way more afraid of uncomfortable questions Jun might ask if he decided to run than failing in Kendo.
My strengths. Do I have any strengths?
Aiba doesn’t know the answers to this question. He also doesn’t know it once he’s finished training. But he had to admit one thing: For a moment he had forgotten about his problems. He felt tired – the good kind of tiredness. And he felt contented with himself.
It was fun with Jun. As long as Jun is around, he doesn’t feel that empty at all.
******
By now, Aiba realized that Jun has many shades of colors. He can be engulfed by a purple gentleness when he is worried. He can be sparkling, almost shining in yellow and orange, when he is feeling happy. He can also radiate in a dangerous red when he is angry.
Like now. It’s red.
“Give that to me!”
“But…” Aiba drew back a bit, not looking at Jun. He wanted to run, but he didn’t know where to.
“Give it to me,” Jun’s voice sounded softer now, almost alluring Aiba. But it’s still firm. It’s difficult not to listen to Jun and do what he says when he is firm like that. “You don’t want to do it, do you?”
“I’m not strong,” Aiba mumbled sadly. “I have no strength at all.”
“Yes, you have,” Jun’s voice was still firm. Aiba can tell that he believed in his words. He didn’t doubt Jun. He only doubted himself. And he wondered if he can believe in these words, too.
“Give it to me,” Jun repeated. “Now!”
For a moment Aiba considered his options, but he didn’t have any. Like so often in his life. So, he reached out his hand. Before he can even grasp the situation, Jun already took the scissors out of his hands and put it away immediately. They were engulfed by silence now then Jun’s hands were suddenly on his shoulders, shaking him slightly.
“You are strong, Aiba. You are so strong. You just don’t know it yet,”
“How do you know that?” Aiba wanted to know. He was surprised when Jun suddenly reached out his hands, stroked it over his cheeks. He didn’t even realize that he was crying. But Jun’s hands were wet when he pulled them away again, by Aiba’s tears and sweat, and for a moment Aiba felt lost. He wanted these hands to be back, to hold him and comfort him. Jun’s hands were strong after all. He has a pair of strong, beautiful hands.
“You know, Masaki,” Jun spoke again and Aiba was surprised that he used his first name. But it’s a pleasant surprise, not an awkward one. “We all feel unsure sometimes, we feel sad and crushed, we feel hopeless and worthless. We feel weak and hated. And alone. All of us have these feelings sometimes,”
“You too?” Aiba wanted to know.
Jun sighed. “Of course. But we can’t lose to these feelings. If you go now, what will you miss? Aren’t you afraid of missing wonderful experiences and wonderful moments? Aren’t you sad when you think of the possibilities the future you might miss if you give up now?”
Aiba stayed silent for a moment. He almost felt how something inside him worked in itself. Then his heart jumped slightly, it’s the first time since months that he felt like that – alive. “Maybe,” he answered, almost too silent for anyone to hear it. But he was sure Jun heard him. “I haven’t thought about that,”
******
It’s not Sho’s fault.
Aiba repeated these words towards Jun.
Jun nodded his head. “I know,”
“He was just an excuse,” Aiba explained. He felt like talking suddenly and Jun let him. He was sitting there, listening. He was patient and caring. And he was there. “For gloomy feelings I had, even before I found out about him and Riida.”
Jun smiled sadly. “Sho loves you, Masaki. Just not like that. He worries about you, he cherishes you, he feels for you. He loves you, as a friend.”
“I know,” Aiba mumbled. “I always knew. I was clinging to this tiny piece of hope and I totally lost myself in it. I feel so embarrassed… Being in love is okay, but losing it, like I did? It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
Jun shook his head. “It’s okay. It can happen to all of us. It happened to me too,” he paused, not sure how to continue. “But, is it only about Sho-kun, or also about something else?”
For a moment there was silence again. Aiba was struggling for words, wondering how he should voice it out. Then he simply said it. “You are all so beautiful. So talented. So strong. In everything you do. But I, I am just… nothing. I’m so plain and boring. A burden. I don’t understand why you even stick with me.”
Aiba was surprised when Jun laughed. “I’ve never heard something that stupid! Obviously, you haven’t watched us probably, or you would have realized Sho’s horrifying dancing skills. Riida’s non-existent sense for good jokes. My self-destructive perfectionism. And Nino’s fear about his body condition.” Jun shook his head. “We are just perfect because you see us like that.” He poked Aiba’s forehead. “It always depends on the person that is looking at us. You know, there is this saying: No matter how you look like, even if you forget to wash your hair or if you wear the ugliest clothes, the person in love with you will always think that the sun is shining inside of you.”
Aiba smiled. The sun. He liked this thought. “I think the sun is always shining inside of you,” he stated, laughing when Jun blushed suddenly.
******
“Please, watch your hands,” Nino pretended to be annoyed while rolling his eyes when Ohno put his hand on Sho’s knee.
“He is right,” Jun agreed. “Don’t you have your own room for this stuff?”
“Hey,” Ohno frowned. “It’s not my fault that you two aren’t getting laid!”
For a moment, Jun and Nino exchanged glances. “I swear,” Nino grumbled. “He is so going to regret that!”
Out of the corner of his eyes, Jun saw Sho looking at Aiba who was absent-mindedly staring into space. He didn’t hear the conversation they were having right now. For a moment, Jun and Sho’s eyes crossed. Jun saw it clearly inside of Sho’s pools that he knew. Maybe he always knew. But that he never figured out what to do about it.
Sho felt sorry. Though it was not his fault.
And Jun felt sorry that he has no one to blame.
******
“Wow,” Ohno chuckled slightly. “I’ve never heard someone talking so much about Jun,”
“Me too,” Sho smiled warmly at Aiba. It’s the first time he met Aiba alone since months. “You two are getting along pretty well, aren’t you?”
Aiba blinked when he heard those words and realized the hope in Sho’s voice. It made him feel appalled and surprised immediately, and a bit relieved. Sho had been watching him, always. It’s a good feeling to know that he cared, even though he wasn’t in love.
When they were alone for a moment, Aiba gathered his courage to face Sho directly. “I want you to be happy,”
“Eh?”
“Don’t always think and worry about me,” Aiba continued. “Riida won’t be happy if you never pay him your full attention. You don’t need to feel guilty or worried. You can’t force any feelings. But I’m okay now. It’s my own fault for letting myself sink that low. But I have Jun now; he is going to watch out for me.”
Sho tilted his head and scanned Aiba from head to toe. Then he lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry,”
Aiba smiled. “Don’t be. I’m glad I had these feelings for you. As much as it hurt, it also meant a lot to me. It was wonderful to be in love with you. I don’t want to miss this feeling,”
“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid,”
Aiba stayed silent, mainly because he had no idea how to give such a difficult promise. It was one of the biggest differences between Sho and Jun. Jun would never ask him to give such a promise. “I was already at a low point. I can’t say I’m over these dark feelings, but I’m working on it. I’m going to work on my problems from now on. It’s my life and I want to be the one who leads it. I don’t want anyone else, any gloomy feelings, any darkness, to lead me. It should be my strength that leads me,”
******
“I hate therapy,” Aiba massaged his temples and tried not to think about how much he loathed it to go to therapy.
“You are saying that for weeks already,”
Aiba glared at Jun and thought he could show a tiny bit more sympathy. “I hate my doctor,”
“Yeah, me too,”
“Eh?” Aiba was surprised. “Why?”
“He is a hot guy, which means he is a potential danger for me.” Jun chuckled at Aiba’s confused expression. He didn’t explain his words. It’s not necessary. Aiba will realize the truth himself, maybe not now, but one day he will. Jun can be very patient, if he wanted to, and with Aiba he wanted to be patient. “In for some dinner?”
“What do you mean with danger?” Aiba insisted to know.
“I thought about omurice,” Jun mused. “Haven’t had it in ages,”
“HEY JUN! What did you mean!?”
“Maybe we could put some mushrooms into it? I’ve always liked that…”
Aiba glared. “Jerk,” he grumbled.
Jun merely laughed.
******
Aiba learned that it’s about respect. The respect he felt towards himself. He tried to find points he respected and cherished and he tried to find out what others respected about him. The one point that hit him the most is that apparently people liked him.
He still didn’t feel hot and sexy and talented and cool and good-looking, but he started to feel likeable. He didn’t know why, he can’t understand it, but…
Others liked him.
So he can’t be a complete fail, can he?
******
“How’s your therapist?” Nino wanted to know. “Jun said he is a jerk,”
Aiba laughed. “He is quite good-looking, but he really is a jerk. Well, at least he is helpful. That’s the most important, right?”
Nino nodded his head before he laughed. “Poor Jun,” he grinned. “He does have it difficult,”
“What do you mean with that?”
“First, your feelings for Sho. Now, the hot therapist you have to visit regularly,” Nino chuckled. “I feel sorry for him, but he is a strong guy, gladly,”
Aiba chewed on his pencil. “I don’t get it. Jun is much hotter than my therapist,”
Nino’s eyes gleamed when he heard that. “Maybe you should tell him that? I bet Jun would be very interested to hear it,”
Aiba was very surprised and also quite amused in the way Jun blushed, so he repeated it again. “He is not half as hot as you are,”
“I prepared onigiri for today,” Jun said instead of answering to Aiba’s words. “You like them, don’t you?”
“No, really,” Aiba continued. “He is quite hot, but I don’t like him all that much. He does a great job, but as a guy…no way I would be interested. You are the better guy,”
“I used salmon for half of them. The other half is filled with tuna. And I made a few vegetable ones – you need to eat something healthy occasionally. Also you lost weight - too much of it. You need to watch out for that. Too thin is not good,”
“For a guy,” Aiba mused. “It’s important for me that he is strong and self-confident. I like someone to lean on to, but I don’t want some sort of self-centred idiot. Not the know-it-all type. Not one who is horrible at showing his feelings. I mean, someone who is too closed can be so much work, now imagine, he doesn’t show any feelings at all? I like someone who knows when something is wrong with me. God, I sound like a spoiled brat,”
Jun tilted his head, suddenly sounding interested. “Makes me wonder why you liked Sho then. Doesn’t sound at all like your description?”
Aiba blinked then he dropped down laughing. The way he curled around on the floor made Jun frown in worry first, but then he laughed, too. Aiba sat up and eyed Jun curiously. “I thought you like Sho!”
“I do,” Jun snorted, obviously happy about Aiba’s good mood. “I love him like a brother, but this dude can mess up so much.”
Aiba grinned. “You sound like you had a crush on him too,”
“Who knows?” Jun smiled sympathetically. “Didn’t we all have a crush on him once?”
“Wait,” Aiba frowned. “WHAT!?”
“Though Nino’s only lasted for about 10 hours, then he moved on. He has always been the smartest of us,”
Aiba laughed. “Poor Sho. It’s not his fault. But back then he was like the perfect guy. Typical high-school love,”
“Totally,” Jun agreed.
Aiba looked at Jun curiously. “You only had a light crush on him, right?”
For a moment something in Jun’s eyes flickered. He was about to wipe it away and hide it, but Aiba was faster. He has always been good at reading his friends. “What…” he paused. “Jun… what…”
Jun sighed. “Sho was definitely my first love,” he explained, still wary. But he decided to be a good example for Aiba, dealing with his worries and messed up feelings openly. “But he wasn’t interested. Back then, he seemed to be more interested in you. Nino told me that you had sex, so, I moved on.”
“But,” Aiba felt his heart hammering against his chest like madly. What did Jun say a few weeks ago? “It’s okay. It can happen to all of us. It happened to me too.”
It was the first time Aiba realized how similar he and Jun were.
“I’m sorry, Jun,”
Jun blinked for a moment then he laughed. He smacked the back of Aiba’s head. “Idiot, that was years ago. I’m not in love with Sho anymore. Not at all. He is Riida’s problem now,”
“Thank God Riida is patient,” Aiba mused. He was surprised by his words. It was the first time he actually joked about his feelings for Sho. Does that mean he was over him? Finally. “I’m over him,” Aiba was surprised by the firm way he said it. It was more like a statement he made to himself than to Jun. It meant the world to him, maybe even more.
“Good,” Jun smiled warmly. “From now on it will only become better,”
******
From now on it will only become better.
Jun was preparing their dinner, like he was always doing. Aiba knew he should feel embarrassed and guilty because Jun showed him so much kindness. But he didn’t feel guilty – he enjoyed it too much.
Aiba nodded his head and watched Jun properly. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by the sight in front of him and he can’t fight the urge to lean his head against Jun’s back. Because his back was so strong, his whole presence also was.
Jun was surprised at first when Aiba wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, his head rested against his back. Then he smiled and touched Aiba’s hand softly, before he continued to prepare their dinner.
Aiba felt some well-known warmth inside his body. It’s not the kind of Sahara heat like it was with Sho, not this storm, this overwhelming kind of feeling, but it felt warm and comfortable and good. Love has different kinds of shades, depending on the person one fell for. His love for Sho was an unhealthy one. Aiba was more cautious now, more careful; he was not presenting his heart on a plate anymore. And he was glad about that. Jun handled it the same.
Maybe, this will be his last station. From today on, the pain won’t come back, because he already found something that takes the place of it.
His heart jumped a bit. From now on it will only become better.
“Yes,” he said to himself. “It will become better,” He set the table and decided to open the bottle of wine Nino sent him from his last love-trip to Italy. It was an expensive wine, considering how stingy Nino normally was with these kinds of things, which meant even more. Aiba never opened it; he only planned to open it for when a very special occasion comes.
And that very special occasion came today.
He decided that today is the perfect day to open that very special wine.
******
Note: Dear friends and readers! Thanks so much for all your support <3 To thank you I opened up a Request Post. If you feel like requesting a one-shot with a specific pairing or situation you can do so HERE.
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Date: 2012-09-30 04:44 pm (UTC)I missed you too!! Hope you are alright!!
I'm so happy that you liked this! <3
*huggles*