Back to you (Juntoshi)
Jan. 31st, 2015 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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yume_to_ameTitle: Back to you
Pairing/Group: Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13 (for the slightly dark topic)
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ivenclaire
Genre: hurt & comfort
Warnings: Well, the natural warnings that come with the genre :-) There are hints of violence towards one of the characters (from an OC of course)
Summary: Some changes are so subtle at first, so little, that one doesn’t even realize something is different. Jun is good at hiding his problems, but when Ohno realizes that something is seriously off, he decides not to look away. He is going to help.
Some changes are so subtle at first, so little, that one doesn’t even realize something is different. It’s slow and silent, like a tiny little crack in a window that gets bigger and more visible every day.
The first time Ohno truly wondered if something was wrong, was already months ago. But he easily dismissed it. It’s stress, he told himself. Everyone has mood swings here and there. It’s nothing serious.
But now months later, he has run out of excuses. When did it start? Which signs did he miss?
“Hey, Jun-kun.” Ohno says right after a band rehearsal as he changes into his street clothes. “Nino and Aiba-chan suggested going for a drink. Want to join?”
Jun pauses, thinks, visibly considering his options. There are deep furrows on his forehead. For a moment he opens his lips like he wants to say something, eyes shining, almost happy. But it only lasts for a few seconds, then his face is suddenly blank again, eyes looking tired. “Sorry.”, he says. “I can’t. Have to go home.”
It’s the fourth time this week that Ohno got exactly that same reaction from his friend, and the tenth time within the last two weeks. How much does that make in a month?
Although Aiba and Nino keep making stupid jokes all evening long, Ohno can’t enjoy his time with them. Not even one second.
~~~
Sometimes, when he watches Jun, it seems like Jun’s nerves are only attached to a tiny little string, so tensed that Ohno wonders when they’ll tear apart and make Jun burst in whatever feelings he has. But Jun won’t be Jun if he isn’t really good at holding back.
Still, he is a bit more short tempered than usual, a tiny bit more moody, a bit more tired. And if you take a closer look at him, there is a sad look in his eyes.
It’s on a rainy afternoon, when their band rehearsals are postponed because Nino and Sho are sick, that Ohno decides to give it a shot. “Did you watch the baseball match yesterday?” Normally, he is the type of guy who would ask someone directly if something was wrong, if he had a problem. He isn’t so sure himself why he doesn’t do that with Jun. Something is holding him back from asking. It’s like an inner voice that tells him it’s a more sensitive issue to deal with.
Jun is obviously surprised by this question, but he recovers quickly. He smiles slightly. “I only saw the start of it. Then-“ Suddenly there is a pause and a certain expression in his eyes that Ohno can’t quite put his finger on.
“Then?” he pushes it.
Jun shrugs and smiles absent-mindedly. “Something else came up.”, he finally answers.
The tone he says it in sends slight shivers over Ohno’s spine. It’s not a good feeling. “Want to re-watch it?”
Jun looks at him in surprise. Some of his black curls are falling into his face and he pushes them aside with his right hand. “Re-watch?”
“I’ve recorded it.”, Ohno explains. Glad for once that he sometimes does things the others call ‘weird’. It comes handy this time. “I missed it yesterday.”
“Well-“ Jun plays with the zipper of his bag absent-mindedly before his gaze shifts to the half-opened window. His eyes seem to be attached to something far away. “I like rain.”, he muses all of a sudden, like he is talking to himself. When Ohno throws him a surprised glance, he coughs nervously, like Ohno has witnessed something he shouldn’t. “Okay. I’ll come.”
Jun drives. He likes cars more than Ohno does and he can get excited easily when he sees a brand-new, stylish car. But this time he doesn’t say much, even when they pass the new Aston Martin parked close to them. He is caught in his thoughts, fingers wrapped almost grimly around the wheel, lips pressed against each other tightly.
Ohno watches him carefully from the side, but he decides not to ask anything, not to interrupt the silence. This is not the right moment. Not when Jun has this angry, sad expression.
Funny enough, it’s Jun who disrupts the silence once they reach Ohno’s apartment. “I need to apologize to Aiba-chan.” he says out of the blue.
Ohno takes his time, prepares some tea and hands him a cup. “Why’s that?”, he finally asks.
Jun grabs the sugar pot and pours sugar in his tea. He doesn’t even look at it, just lets the sugar run down. “I was moody today.” When he takes a sip from his tea, Ohno expects him to grimace in disgust, but Jun’s expression remains the same, like he isn’t tasting anything.
Ohno leans against the table, fingertips tapping against it thoughtfully. “It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while.”
“Maybe, but it’s not his fault.” Jun tilts his head and stares at the table, right at the spot where Ohno still taps his fingers. It’s almost like he is counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, pause, start anew. “It’s not his fault.”, he repeats and Ohno isn’t all that sure if it’s still about Aiba.
“So, what about the game?” Jun asks after a while. He smiles at Ohno, a beautiful smile. But it feels like a disguise.
They watch the game in silence. It’s only when they reach the first half of the game that Ohno realises none of them has said a single word, let alone followed the game. Still, Jun’s face is surprisingly calm and almost relaxed.
When they reach the end of the game, it’s already turning dark outside, but the rain is still hammering against the window madly. They prepare dinner together and when Jun complains about why there is only unhealthy stuff in Ohno’s fridge and no vegetables, it kind of feels a bit like the old Jun again. It’s then that Ohno realizes how much he has missed this Jun.
They settle for yesterday’s leftovers, because Jun says he doesn’t want to ruin his health with all the garbage Ohno has collected. So, he warms up yesterday’s rice and eats it with an egg.
“Hey Jun, are you still dating that guy? Shin was his name, right?” Ohno asks while he tries to take out a little part of the eggshell out of his rice that accidentally dropped into it.
“Are you trying to hit on me?” Jun grins and again, for this short moment, he seems to be like the good old Jun from one year ago.
Ohno chuckles. “Not if you are in a relationship.”
Jun nods slightly and looks at Ohno thoughtfully for a while. His eyebrows are thicker than Nino’s or Sho’s and when he pulls them together in concentration, he looks almost angry sometimes. He scratches his earlobe a bit, but apparently he considers him to be trustworthy, because he nods. “Yes, still that guy.” The way he says that lets Ohno’s alarm bells ring immediately. It’s the resignation in Jun’s voice, the way he says still, how his eyes shift towards the window again, that makes his senses wake up immediately. “He has done a lot for me some years ago.”, Jun continues and it sounds like an apology.
Ohno doesn’t say or ask any more than that, he feels that he has pushed his luck enough for today and that he came further than ever before.
“I really like the rain.”, Jun says once more. And then all of a sudden: “Let me sleep here, please.”
And Ohno nods, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
~~~
Sometimes Jun wears more make-up than usual. It makes his face almost porcelain-like. Ohno has no idea why he does that, but he doesn’t like how it erases Jun’s strong features. It’s not like he can tell Jun though, so he drops the subject and doesn’t talk about it.
“What’s this?” Jun eyes Ohno’s cupboard sceptically. “A new movie? It wasn’t here last time, was it?”
“No.”, Ohno grins. “Sho left it here. Apparently, it’s one of the best movies ever. I only watched half an hour of it, didn’t even get what it’s about.”
“Sho-kun has no taste at all.” Jun teases and smiles slightly. “Boring?”
“Yeah. It goes through all shades of boring.” Ohno twinkles a bit. “But don’t tell Sho.”
“Mind if we watch it?”
Ohno is surprised by that request, but shrugs nevertheless. “Well, if you don’t mind falling asleep in between.”
“Actually, boring sounds quite cool at the moment.” Jun drops down on the sofa with a smile, but this time Ohno doesn’t let himself be tricked by it. It just seems so weird. There is no spark in Jun’s eyes, nothing that makes him look truly happy, besides the end of his lips being pulled up. The more he looks at it, the creepier his smile is. “People underestimate boring sometimes.”, Jun adds in a quiet voice.
Ohno is at a loss for words. He distracts himself by putting the movie into his Blu-ray player and tries to wipe away the dust there. His fingers leave traces on the black surface where some of the dust remains. It makes him think of Jun’s make-up all of a sudden.
~~~
They are either free the next couple of days or have individual working schedules. Ohno doesn’t see Jun, he doesn’t hear anything from him either. And although it shouldn’t bother him, it makes his stomach twist painfully.
He sends him several messages, all of them as random as possible, but he doesn’t get any answers.
When he can’t take it any longer, he decides to call. If Jun doesn’t pick up or call back, he will just accept the fact that he doesn’t want to talk to him.
“Hello.”
For a moment Ohno is so surprised that he almost forgets to answer. Only when Jun repeats his Hello, did he basically wake up. “Oh, yes, hi.”
Jun chuckles. “You called me. Why are you surprised that I’m on the phone?”
“To be honest-“ Ohno sighs. “I thought you would ignore me.”
It’s quiet for a moment and he can only hear Jun’s breath at the other end of the phone. “Sorry.”, Jun finally says. “I’m sorry.”
All of a sudden, Ohno feels bad about hearing Jun apologize like that, with this voice that sounds so tense. “Nah”, he says and tries to smile. Maybe his smile can reach Jun, even when they are apart. “Everyone is too busy once in a while.”
“Hmhm.”
Jun’s vague answer brings Ohno back to his original reason why he called. “Listen, I just wanted to make sure-“ But Ohno doesn’t get to say what he wanted to make sure of, because there is suddenly a loud noise coming through the phone. Someone is talking. Ohno has seen Shin-kun only a few times, but even so, he is sure that the voice belongs to him. Who is that? Who is on the phone? Ohno tightens his grip on his phone. “Jun?”, he asks, his voice dripping with worry. He can hear Jun talking in the distance, his voice sounds weirdly strained. “Jun! Is everything alright?”
Suddenly Jun’s voice is back. “Sorry. I’ll call you back.” With that, he disappears. Ohno only hears a weird snapping noise and the angry voice asking, Is it him again!? Then he can swear that he hears a weird clashing sound.
Silence.
Ohno stares at his display for a moment. He is so tensed that only when his eyes suddenly start to burn, did he realise he hasn’t even blinked once. He rubs over them a bit before he dials Jun’s number again. But his phone is switched off.
Who is on the phone?
Is it him again!?
Although he has promised him, Jun doesn’t call back. Not today, not the entire next week. Damn!
~~~
“Guys, I have a new phone number.”
Jun has said it casually while he comes into the dressing room. But Ohno’s attention is rising immediately. “What? Why?”, he asks and it sounds almost too sharp.
“I broke mine.” Jun drops down next to Nino with a sigh, pretending like he hasn’t heard how Ohno’s voice was off. “I dropped it. Pretty stupid, huh?”
“You are asking me?” Nino chuckles. “I broke mine just two weeks ago.”
“You could also ask, Sho.” Aiba jokes with a teasing glance towards Sho. “He knows a lot about broken phones.” All three of them laugh, while Sho mutters something along the words stupid brats and no respect.
Ohno doesn’t join in their conversation; he just keeps watching them from the side. He is so tensed that his hands are almost shaking when he moves them. The voice of the other guy is still ringing in his ears. Who is that? Who are you talking with! Is it him again!?
It hasn’t escaped his notice that Jun is avoiding look into his eyes and that his lips are shivering slightly, even though he is smiling in front of the others. How can the others not realize it? It’s so painfully obvious that he is putting on a mask, an almost perfect façade. But his oh-so perfect façade already has little fractures and cracks – they are getting bigger with every new day, with every time he sees Jun. What will happen when Jun’s façade bursts into thousands of tiny little shards?
It’s later, when the others are preoccupied with other things that Ohno decides to ask the inevitable. “Jun-“, he starts, while he approaches his friend, and he sounds unusually earnest. “It wasn’t an accident, am I right?”
Jun looks away for a moment, before he eyes Ohno out of the corner of his eyes. “Don’t.”, he just mumbles. He sounds a bit angry and a bit impatient, but also really tired.
Ohno sits down next to him and reaches his hand out for a moment to touch Jun’s knee. It’s a soft gesture, a reassuring one. He can see how Jun’s expression softens up a bit, his features more relaxed. Ohno keeps his hand there patiently and waits for Jun’s face to finally relax a bit. He doesn’t say a word. He decides not to deepen this conversation and not to ask any more questions. It’s not the right time for that. Jun eyes his hand on his knee, but he doesn’t push it away.
It’s only later, when they are finished with their rehearsals, that Jun’s phone rings all of a sudden. Jun looks at the display for a moment, then with a sigh he leaves the room. Ohno doesn’t intend to follow him, but when Aiba almost begs him to fetch them something to eat, he has no other option but to leave as well. He almost misses Jun. The latter is leaning in a corner of the corridor, talking into his phone. “But I don’t want to talk to you now, so stop calling!”, he says in an angry voice.
For a moment Ohno is relieved that there is still something of the old bite in Jun’s voice. It’s not gone completely. He coughs slightly, because he doesn’t want Jun to think he is spying on him.
Jun’s eyes twitch slightly when he sees him, but other than that he doesn’t react. “No, don’t dare to drop by today.”, he huffs, before he hangs up.
Ohno is silent for a moment, before he takes a step – or two – towards Jun. “Are you alright?”
Jun looks at him, then he turns his face away. “I’m going back to the others.”, he says without looking at Ohno and hurries away. Ohno smiles slightly. It’s a stupid feeling now, but still, he is glad that Jun can’t lie to him openly. Not when it’s so obvious that he is not alright.
~~~
Ohno can’t deny that he is surprised when Jun suddenly knocks at his door. Jun seems to be a bit embarrassed too, because he shifts around before he finally shows Ohno a bag with groceries. “Watching the game today?”
“Yes, of course.”, Ohno answers, although he hasn’t intended to watch it at all. He doesn’t even know which game it is and when it’s starting. But Jun knows. Apparently he has looked it up beforehand.
They settle down on Ohno’s sofa and watch the first half of the game silently. Ohno knows that Jun isn’t really looking at the TV. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see how Jun rests his head in the palm of his left hand, eyes looking at the floor.
“Where did you meet?”
His question draws Jun’s attention towards him. The latter blinks a little, one of his eyebrows pulled up in slight amusement. “I’m missing the context. Where did I meet who?”
Ohno is sure that Jun knows exactly who he is talking about, but for Jun’s sake he decides to play along. “Shin-kun.”, he says calmly.
Apparently his calm answer has completely taken Jun aback, because he turns his glance away from Ohno, staring at the table. There are deep frowns between his eyebrows. “Actually.”, Jun’s lips shiver. “We are childhood friends. I’ve known him since I was a little kid.”
So that’s why, Ohno adds in his mind.
~~~
It was a simple dance move they had to do, but it needed Aiba to grab Jun’s wrist. Jun winces in pain so obviously that even Aiba is shocked. He can see how the latter pulls his hand away immediately, throwing an insecure glance at Sho who is standing right next to him. Sho just shakes his head, but in his eyes, there is a certain thoughtful look. The façade is really crumbling with every passing day.
“You alright?” Ohno asks later when he meets Jun in the dressing room.
When Jun looks up from his script his eyes meet Ohno’s. “Hm?”
“Your arm?”
“I just hurt my hand the other day.”, Jun says in a voice that makes it clear he wants Ohno to back off. But Ohno is not that easily scared anyway.
“How?”
“None of your business.”, Jun huffs, unusually hostile. He is not like that normally. But now, his voice would even scare Sho away. And he is brushing through his hair angrily, fingers twitching a bit. Ohno wonders if it’s really only anger he sees in Jun’s eyes or if there is something else too.
“Are you sure-”
“It’s nothing.” Jun interrupts him. And: “Leave me alone.”
In your dreams, idiot. Ohno snorts inwardly and sits down next to Jun instead of going away. He has opened a door for Junwith the first time he invited him over and he doesn’t intend to close it again. “Going for dinner today?”
Jun is clearly surprised by the change of topic. “Today?”
“Sure.”
He doesn’t even know why and how he got Jun to agree to that. It’s just a guess, but he believes that Jun feels guilty for jumping at him like that and for taking his anger out on him. A tiny part of Ohno also hopes that Jun is not only doing it out of guilt, but also because he actually enjoys being with him. He looked pretty relaxed and calm the last time they met. “I just need to grab my jacket from my apartment.”, Jun says before they leave the studio.
On their way to Jun’s place, none of them says anything. It’s only when Jun closes the door behind them that he finally speaks. “Just sit down somewhere, I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
When Jun is gone, the silence engulfs him. Weird. None of them has said a word before, but being silent together with Jun is still more comfortable than being alone in this place. He looks around a bit. Jun’s apartment is still the same as it was a few months ago, but it seems like he is hardly at home anymore. Ohno remembers that Aiba once told him that he is at Shin’s place most of the time.
He sighs slightly as he stands in the middle of the room, wondering what it’s going to take to make Jun smile again from the bottom of his heart. To help him get free. Things are getting more complicated day by day.
It takes a while for Ohno to realise it, but when he looks around in Jun’s apartment, he sees a spot on the wall. The plastering at that place is crumbling slightly. And right at the other side of the living room where there used to be Jun’s mirror, there is an empty spot now. Ohno frowns deeply. He is glad that Jun is in the kitchen at the moment, so that he can check on it secretly. When he eyes the floor at that spot closely, there are almost invisible little shards of broken glass and some tiny red spots. It’s almost impossible to see them. It looks like blood. Is that how Jun hurt his hand?
For a moment Ohno is speechless. Thousand questions pile in his mind, but in the end he doesn’t ask even one of them. When Jun returns, he is sitting on the sofa. And when they leave the apartment, he doesn’t dare to look back. How can he save Jun? What can he, alone, do? He feels responsible for the things that might happen. He doesn’t know how long he is able to ensure that Jun is well and safe.
The thought of Jun getting hurt sends shivers over his spine. His stomach twists painfully. He wishes to see his smile again, how his lips would widen into a bright smile, little dimples gracing his cheeks, his eyes sparkling in delight. It’s this image that makes Ohno’s body tingle and he doesn’t know what to make out of this feeling yet. But it’s also this image that wakes Ohno suddenly up from his frozen state.
“Let’s go to my place.”
“What?” Jun halts and eyes Ohno suspiciously. “Why? Didn’t you want to go out for dinner?”
“We’ll order something in.” Ohno says when they leave the elevator. He has had it from all the excuses. Instead he grabs Jun’s arm and pulls him along. He hasn’t thought properly, so he is surprised when Jun suddenly pulls his arm free and grimaces in pain. “How did you hurt your arm?”, he asks again.
“Listen.” Jun’s voice is sounding more frustrated than ever before, but Ohno has no intention to back off now. “I don’t want to talk about it!”
“I don’t care if you want to talk about it or not.”, he retorts calmly. “I’ll take a look at it. If you don’t want me to do it, we’ll just drive to the hospital.”
Jun lets out a sigh. He doesn’t say anything, eyes clouded with thoughts Ohno can only guess. He is not surprised when Jun finally agrees. Of course he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. It was an easy battle for Ohno to win. “Fine.”, the younger one huffs and walks away from the elevator. He has long legs and reaches the car before Ohno does.
Jun doesn’t talk to him the whole way until they reach Ohno’s place. But although he looks pretty angry for being tricked, his face is surprisingly open. When Ohno closes his apartment door, he finally can’t suppress a laugh. It doesn’t help that Jun looks at him like he has lost his mind.
“You alright?”, Jun finally asks while eying him carefully.
“God, Jun.”, he grins. “It’s been forever since you’ve been openly angry like that. It’s almost refreshing, you know.”
“Oh, shut up.”, Jun says grimly. And: “You are so going to order something expensive today. And pay for it!”
“Sure. Just order whatever you want.” It doesn’t matter anyway. He is just glad that it turned out rather well today and he doesn’t need to fight and argue with Jun.
They settle down on the floor right in front of the TV. Ohno’s carpet is fluffy and comfortable. And Jun has put a ridiculously scary horror movie into his Blu-ray player. A movie Aiba has secretly dumped into his apartment, because he was too scared to have it at his home.
Jun hasn’t seen it before so he is pretty much engulfed in it, which gives Ohno the time to do some research. “Hey Jun, show me your hand?”
Jun sighs inwardly. “How high is the chance that you’ll give up?”
“At the moment?” Ohno smiles. “Close to zero.” He sighs in relief when Jun doesn’t discuss the subject any longer but simply reaches out his hand. He has wrapped a bandage around it and it takes a while for Ohno to open it. At the inner side of Jun’s wrist and arm, there are slight bruises. “Did you hit your hand against the wall?”, he asks while he recalls how the plastering was crumbling at one side.
“Yes.”
Ohno moves and turns Jun’s wrist carefully. He is glad that there are hardly any cuts visible. “What happened to the mirror?” he asks.
Jun sighs tiredly. “Got broken together with my phone.” Got broken. Jun has always been good with words, Ohno thinks. He didn’t say I broke it. But it got broken. It’s not a lie like that. Sometimes he wishes that Jun was not that smart.
He doesn’t ask if any of these incidents were an accident or not. Mainly because he doesn’t want Jun to be forced into lying to him. He isn’t too sure if he would tell the truth now, not when he is asked so directly.
“This movie is so stupid. They just ruined the suspense with all the gore.”, Jun complains into the silence. “Why do you even have it?”
“Aiba was scared of it.”, Ohno explains with a smile on his lips. “He got the movie from Nino, so he didn’t want to throw it away. He forgot it here.”
“Of course. Because Aiba is genuinely good-hearted. He would never hurt someone.”
Ohno looks up when Jun said that. His face is thoughtful, a bit sad. He wonders what kind of demons Jun’s fighting at the moment.
“Hey.”, Jun turns his head and looks at Ohno directly now. It comes a bit as a surprise and Ohno has a hard time breathing at the moment, because Jun is so damn close. “Thanks for forcing me into this today.”
Ohno shows him a warm smile. “Any time.”
~~~
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong with Jun?”
Ohno stares at Sho for a while. They went out for a drink in Sho’s favourite bar and chatted about all kind of random things. So his question did surprise him, because it came so directly and because he didn’t think that Sho was so aware of something being off. Though, if he thinks about it properly, he remembers the look on Sho’s face when Jun hurt his hand. “How could I tell you?”, Ohno answers.
“You can’t tell me?”
Ohno shrugs. Sho knocks against the bar table with his knuckles. “But there is something off?”
“Why are you asking me when you already know the answer yourself?” Ohno says calmly. He knows Sho is not content with this answer, but he can’t give him more at the moment. He is afraid that if he tells him too much, Jun might get to know about it and lose his trust in him. Then who will he go to when something is off again?
“I-“ There is a long awkward pause, in which Sho looks to the side for a moment, bites his lips, before he turns to face Ohno again. “He is just… not the same. But-“
“But, what?”
Sho shrugs almost helplessly. “I didn’t know how to approach him about it.” He smiles tiredly. “Jun doesn’t trust me.”, he adds.
“He does.”
Sho shakes his head. “He did once, but it’s already years ago that he would trust me.” A careful smile curls around his lips. “Now he trusts you.”
Ohno can’t deny the warm feeling that spreads through him when he hears that. He knows he probably shouldn’t feel that way now, but he just can’t help it. There is this slight fuzzy feeling he hasn’t gotten in years, that suddenly appears and moves from his toes up to his head and engulfs him completely. It feels nice.
“It’s this Shin-kun, right?” Sho asks all of a sudden. Then he is silent, uncomfortably silent. And Ohno already knows what he is going to ask before he can even open his mouth. “Does he beat him?”
“I don’t know.”, Ohno answers honestly, because there is no reason for him to lie about something he doesn’t know yet. He is still figuring it out after all.
The next thing Sho says bothers him a lot more though. He himself has thought about that for weeks already. Worried about it. And still he doesn’t know the answer. “Satoshi-kun, Jun is the type who would carry his problems alone. He is a strong person, but this here might be a bit too much for him. Do you think you can help him? Do you have it under control?”
“I think it’s not a question of can anymore.” Even though it doesn’t sound too convincing to Ohno, it apparently convinced Sho out whatever reasons. They can’t deepen their conversation anyway because Nino joins them.
“Looking so earnest?”, he chuckles. “What were you talking about?”
Sho and Ohno exchange a glance, before they both force a smile on their lips. “Been in our thoughts.”, Ohno explains randomly.
Ohno is glad that Sho is here too, because the latter basically keeps the conversation up and prevents Nino from getting too suspicious although the latter does send one or other awkward glance towards Ohno. Ohno on the other hand is busy with his own thoughts, his gaze randomly wandering through the bar. Wait, isn’t that…? He has almost missed him, because the light here is dimmed. “That’s Shin-kun.”
“Hm?”, Nino blinks in surprise and turns around a bit towards the tall guy who is leaning against the bar counter. “Who is who?”
Sho’s mind works fast. He reacts immediately. “He is watching us.”
Ohno frowns deeply. It’s like the guy has only waited for them to turn around and see him because he throws a cheeky smile towards them before he turns over and continues talking to another guy. It takes a moment for Ohno to realize what he is up to, and once he got it, he just can’t believe it. There is this douchebag, wrapping his arms around the other guy and –
“Is he seriously making out with that other guy now!? How can he!?” Sho asks with so much disgust and disapproval in his voice that even Nino looks at him in surprise.
“Isn’t that Jun’s guy?”, Nino asks all of a sudden and squeezes his eyes a bit. There is a sudden uncomfortable tone in his voice. “What’s he doing with this other dude!?”
Ohno’s ears start ringing, his heart hammering against his chest. What kind of dirty game is this jerk playing? It hardly happens that he loses control, but when Shin says something along the words Meet me at the hotel, loud enough for them to hear, and leaves the bar, he just can’t hold back anymore. He knows it’s a clear provocation, but he can’t think properly anymore.
“Oh-chan!?” Nino calls after him. “Where are you going to? Don’t tell me you-. F*ck.”
Ohno blends his friends’ voices out completely as he rushes outside. Shin is still in front of the bar, apparently searching for his car keys. “You piece of dirt”, Ohno yells with anger spreading inside him. He didn’t know that it was actually possible for him to get that angry. “At home you are trying to break Jun and here you are, f*cking around.”
“What do you care?” Shin huffs. “Jun is mine. He belongs to me! He can’t live without me!”
Ohno is pretty sure that he has already lost it when he followed Shin outside, but this here was basically the last straw. He raises his fist, about to punch the guy with all he has. Only when Sho is the one who moans in pain and turns his face away that he realizes he has jumped in between this Shin-idiot and Ohno’s fist.” Are you stupid, Sho!?”
“Are you!?”
“Stop it, Oh-chan.” Nino blurts out and steps in between. He grabs Ohno’s arm to hold him back and turns towards Shin. “And you-“, he eyes him insistently, a dangerous glint in them. “Just go. What are you doing here anyway!?”
Ohno’s heartbeat goes back to normal all of a sudden. His body feels numb when he sees how this guy, who treats a loyal and good guy like Jun so badly, is about to leave. “Don’t you even realize it?”, he says and he is pretty sure that Shin-kun hears him, because for a tiny second he halts. “How little you actually think of Jun? You don’t hurt someone you love.”, he continues calmly, his voice so cold that he is surprised himself. “This is not love.”
About one hour later they are sitting in Sho’s fancy apartment with Sho pressing an ice bag on his left eye and cheek. “I didn’t know you could hit that hard.”, he complains. “It’s going to leave a bruise.”
“Don’t worry, Sho-chan.”, Nino says with a cheeky smile. “I’m good with using make-up. No one will realise. Well, as long as they don’t look close enough.”
Ohno takes a closer look at Sho’s face and sighs when he sees the clear trace of his punch. “I’m sorry, Sho. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“I know.” Sho hands the ice bag over to Ohno, who wraps it around his hand. “Better me than the other guy. Who knows what he would have done then.”
“He planned this.” Ohno says bitterly. The others look up in surprise.
“What do you mean?” Nino finally dares to ask.
“He waited for us to watch him. He knows none of us has the guts to stop him or to tell Jun.”
It’s silent again. A silence which Nino uses to shift his look from Ohno to Sho, and back to Ohno again “Say, guys, is there a chance you are going to tell me what’s actually going on? Or am I just wasting my effort by asking?”
“You are probably wasting your effort.”, Sho jokes and despite the obvious nerve-wracking tension, Ohno has to smile.
~~~
“What happened to your face, Sho-chan?” Aiba leans forward a bit, eyes wide in surprise. Nino has fulfilled his promise and tried his best to cover Sho’s bruise with make-up. Still… “It looks like someone hit you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”, Sho sighs and shoves Aiba away a bit. “I just ran against my cupboard. Forgot to close its door. Let’s not make a drama out of it.”
Ohno is glad that Sho is pulling the attention towards him, so no one is asking about his own hand, wrapped in a bandage. He has made his plans without Jun though, because the latter is suddenly sitting next to him, his dark eyes resting on Ohno. “Your hand?”, Jun asks.
“Well-“ a look into Jun’s eyes makes him realize that there is no chance to escape it. “Later.”, he only says, relieved that Jun nods.
“At your place?”
Ohno brushes over his eyes a bit. “Only if you bring something to eat.”
Jun smiles.
“I said, something to eat, not half of the konbini.” Ohno complains when he looks into the bags Jun brought along.
Jun shrugs. “You didn’t say what you like. So I thought better be prepared for everything, meat, vegetables, fish, cake, sushi, freshly made chocolate cake. Oh, and I brought a piece of carrot cake.”
“Carrot cake?” Ohno looks at the little, dry piece of cake sceptically. “Why carrot cake?”
“I felt sorry for it.”, Jun explains, while he places everything in the fridge. “No one likes carrot cake. It was all alone, sitting between melon pan and chocolate cake.”
By the tone of his voice, Ohno can’t tell if Jun’s joking or not. So he asks. “You are kidding, right?”
There is a slight smile that curls around Jun’s lips. “Of course I am. I bought it for myself. I like carrot cake.” Once he has finished everything, he closes the refrigerator and leans against it. For a moment, Ohno can only hear Jun’s steady breath. “Your hand.”, Jun finally says while he grabs his bag. “I brought some band-aids and bandages along.”
“Come on, Jun, it’s not necessary.”
“Well, either you let me take a look at it or we’ll drive to the hospital!”
Ohno stares at Jun in utter surprise. There is this little glint in Jun’s eyes which hasn’t been there for a while. Ohno grins. “I can’t believe you are getting back at me like that.”
Now it’s all reversed roles, with Jun being the one sitting on the floor and moving Ohno’s wrist carefully. “Does it hurt?” he asks.
“It’s okay. I think I only strained it a bit.”
“You know, you are supposed to leave your thumb outside when you hit someone.”, Jun explains with a cheeky grin on his face. “Did you hit Sho-kun?”
“Well, I didn’t mean to.” Ohno ponders for a while, not sure how to explain the situation. “You could say it was an accident.”
“What?”, Jun smiles. “Did he run into your fist?”
Ohno is glad that Jun doesn’t know how close to the truth he is. And at the same time he is glad that Jun is still able to joke around. “More or less, yes.”
“Sounds fun. Wish I was there.”
The last statement is a bit too much for Ohno and he feels slightly sick. He turns his face away for a moment because he is not sure if he can look Jun in the eye. When he looks back though, he knows that he has given away too much. Jun’s eyes are a bit wider than usual, there is this slight blankness inside them that suddenly gets replaced with embarrassment. Jun lets go of Ohno’s hand and grabs the fork for his carrot cake instead. He pokes the cake slightly, looking at it sadly. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? It is my fault.”
“No! It’s not.” Ohno can’t help but sound sharper than usual, almost angry.
“Yes it is.”, Jun says bitterly. “I thought I was stronger. I should be stronger.”
“You are strong!”
For a moment Ohno’s fingertips touch Jun’s. He tries to show him an encouraging smile. Apparently, it’s working because Jun’s eyes soften up. Then he looks sad all of a sudden. “Not strong enough.”
Ohno feels how the knot in his throat goes bigger. All his anger is washed away by the sight in front of him. “Do you still love him?”, he finally asks.
Jun wraps an arm around his own hip, like he is hugging himself. He thinks for a long moment, then he laughs bitterly. “I don’t even know anymore what love means.”
Ohno’s hands feel sweaty when he rubs them against his trousers. His stomach twists painfully. There is a certain feeling inside him, something he can’t name yet and he isn’t quite sure where it’s leading him to. He reaches out and takes Jun’s hand, pressing it in a reassuring way.
He doesn’t say anything, but Jun understands nevertheless. He nods slightly. “I know you are right. I know it. But-“
~~~
During the following days Jun goes through several mood swings. They are worse than usual. And he is also unusually quiet at times, pale. Ohno fears that he is going to disappear in front of him, that’s how skinny he has gotten.
It’s during a long rehearsal that he suddenly wavers dangerously, before his knees seem too weak to hold him up anymore.
“Damn, Jun, you alright?” Sho is the first one to reach Jun and kneels down next to him.
“I’m feeling fine, Sho-kun. So fuck off!”
It’s so quiet in the room for a moment that Ohno is sure he could hear the infamous pin drop down. It feels forever, but actually the others recover fast. “Well, then-“ Sho smiles in a way he normally never does, too soft and reassuring. Jun looks upset too and something inside Ohno tugs painfully. “That’s good, but we should have a break.”
“Yes.”, Ohno says as he helps Jun into a sitting position. “I’m feeling a bit tired too.” It’s a lie of course and he is pretty sure that Jun knows that, because his eyes are glinting angrily for a moment. Jun has always hated it when people lie for his sake, but Ohno doesn’t care about that right now.
“I’m still getting you something to drink. If you feel dizzy, you need liquid.”, Aiba demands and leaves the room.
“Wait a moment, Masaki.”, Nino frowns in worry as he hurries after Aiba. “I’ll better go with you. Otherwise you-“ Ohno can’t hear what else he says, because his voice disappears together with him and the echo is suddenly fading out.
It’s silent again and Ohno’s mind feels almost as numb as the rest of his body. The look in Jun’s eyes is empty. “Sorry, Sho-kun.”, he finally says and Ohno guesses it’s really the most he can say now. He exchanges a glance with Sho and he is sure that Jun knows that they are looking each other with worried eyes, but he doesn’t look up, maybe on purpose. And Ohno is glad that he doesn’t see the look in their eyes.
He is sure Jun is fighting the demons inside himself at the moment. Demons they know well, but still can’t help him with.
Then there is the second incident. It’s Nino’s birthday. And when Jun only drops by for a mere five minutes at his birthday dinner, a guilty expression on his face, and hands Nino a present with the words: “I’m sorry… I can’t.”, also Nino and Aiba for sure have realized that something is seriously off. He has stuttered the words in a so non-Jun-like manner and his face is pale, so pale, that for a moment Ohno fears he might disappear into thin air. He is so invisible in that moment.
He doesn’t even think properly about his decision but at that moment he just chases after Jun. Later he realizes that none of the others followed him. He takes a wild guess that Sho maybe stopped them.
“Jun! Wait!” Jun is pretty fast though. He has always been quite sporty and his legs are longer than Ohno’s. But Ohno is pretty determined too, so he goes for a drastic decision: He throws himself to the ground. Glad he is a better actor than others give him credit for. “Damn.”, he curses.
The outcome is exactly the one he hoped for, because Jun halts, turns around and bites his lips in anxiety. Then he lets out a frustrated sigh, before he goes back to Ohno. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you? I didn’t think you could do something that stupid. What if you got hurt for real?”
Jun’s hair and eyes are so dark that Ohno can’t really define his features at the moment, he isn’t sure how he feels right now, what his face shows. Ohno takes the hand Jun offers him and gets up. “Got you to stop.”, he says dryly. “That’s worth the pain.”
Jun doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t move either. Ohno’s eyes adapt to the darkness and he can see Jun’s face now. It’s even paler than before at Nino’s place and he sure is even skinnier than at the day of his break-down during their rehearsal. In his head Ohno counts down from 10. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4… „ I don’t like you doing something so bad to yourself, Jun.”, he finally manages to say. His voice sounds weird, soft and shaky and like a stranger’s to his own ears.
The silence is so thick between them that Ohno thinks he can cut the air with a knife. Jun’s answer is almost too calm. “I’m not doing anything.”
“Yes, you are. You are ruining your health.”
For a moment, Ohno is sure he can see something glittering in Jun’s eyes. Tears? No, impossible. Or… maybe. “Just, stop.” Ohno pleads.
“I can’t take it anymore.”, Jun says silently. “I just can’t.” Ohno can’t remember the last time that Jun cried in desperation, when he actually showed his emotions that openly. It feels crushing to see him like that, but at the same time he is glad that Jun lets it out for once. Ohno takes a step closer and wraps his arms around the other, clumsily, but he hopes Jun gets the feeling through it.
~~~
“When was the last time that you’ve eaten properly?”
Jun takes the usual place on the carpet in front of Ohno’s TV. He shrugs. “I don’t know. I forgot about it. My mind works differently than usual. Pretty pathetic, huh?”
“Are you sleeping?”, Ohno asks instead of giving an answer. “I mean at night. Are you resting?”
Jun shrugs.
“F*ck, Jun! That’s what I meant with doing something stupid.” Ohno scolds, seriously angry now. “I can’t believe you. You are a lot smarter than that!”
Jun leans back a bit, eyes eyeing the ceiling. With his left hand, he starts tugging at the fringe of the carpet, while his right hand rubs through his hair. He smiles a bit. “It’s been a while-”, he suddenly muses. “That someone scolded me like that.”
“Well deserved.”, Ohno chuckles, before he leaves Jun alone for a while. There are a few leftovers in the fridge, curry and rice. It’s not really something he would normally offer to a guest, but this guy just needs something to eat. Being picky won’t do. When he turns back, Jun is still sitting at the same place in the same position.
He settles down next to him, putting the plate with curry in front of Jun. It should be green, Ohno thinks in annoyance, but it’s weirdly brown. Jun apparently doesn’t mind. He takes a spoon full of it without even grimacing. He seems to be so far away in his thoughts that even a horribly cooked curry won’t wake him up.
“Say-”, he suddenly starts talking to Ohno’s surprise.
“Hm?”
“Has someone ever hurt you?”
Ohno is not too sure what he is supposed to say. Has someone ever hurt him? Of course, everyone gets hurt occasionally and also hurts others, but he knows that Jun’s question digs deeper than that.
“I mean, purposely, with words and actions? To a point you think you can never feel confident about yourself anymore. Destroys it completely, your confidence and your ability to trust and love. Did someone ever do that to you?”
Ohno looks down at his fingernails, then he rubs his fingertips against each other. “Probably not like that.”, he answers silently.
“Shin is meeting someone else, right? You and Sho-kun saw him.” Ohno’s face grows pale at Jun’s revelation. He didn’t think that Jun would know it. Jun on the other hand takes his silence correctly. “Don’t worry.”, he smiles bitterly. “It’s not the first time. Pretty bad, huh?” It’s been forever that he has shown his anger so openly. “On one hand he fucks around, on the other hand he can’t even take it when I meet my friends. Keeps tabs on me, destroys my belongings, gets verbally abusive. And-“, he pauses here, a shocked look in his eyes, like he realized he has said too much.
“Jun, I don’t want you to-“ Ohno starts his sentence but doesn’t know how to end it. He just smiles sadly. I don’t want you to feel hurt. True, but cheesy. I don’t want you to feel guilty. Too plain. You can tell me everything. Don’t hold back. Also true, but even cheesier.
“It’s okay.”, Jun glances at him carefully like he knows that he is struggling for words right now. “You don’t need to say anything.”
“Here.” Ohno reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little key. He has already prepared it a while ago and waited for the right moment. He hardly doubts that Jun is going to open up any more to him and he is not finding any words at the moment, so why not go with something that shows him how important Jun is to him, instead of voicing it.
“A key?”
“Yes, Jun. It’s a key. To my door.” Ohno shows his friend a warm smile. “The door is always open for you. And if it’s not, you can just open it yourself. Always remember that.”
He can see how Jun swallows, his lips shivering a bit before he nods. Ohno could swear he sees something glittering in Jun’s eyes, but the latter turns his head away swiftly, hiding his face from Ohno like that and Ohno doesn’t want to force him to an emotional reaction.
It takes a while for the bitter atmosphere to get a bit relaxed again. They settle for another stupid horror movie. One Sho has forgotten at his place. Why? Ohno doesn’t know. It’s hard to read Sho’s motives anyway.
Jun stays overnight again, like it’s the most normal thing on earth. When he is asleep, Ohno throws a blanket over Jun’s body. He tries to be as careful as possible. Then he sits down on the floor right next to the sofa. His eyes keep watching Jun’s sleeping face and it almost happens automatically that he stretches out his hand and touches the furrows on Jun’s forehead. His fingertips stroke his hair slightly.
He is not sure if Jun feels what he is doing, if he will be woken up by it. He has been sleeping in a room with both Aiba and Nino for so long, guys who either talked or groaned in their sleep. He should be used to it by now. But when Ohno touches his forehead, his body tenses up for a very short moment before relaxing again.
He is so beautiful, Ohno thinks. Damn whoever tries to destroy that beauty. He is about to stand up and leave the room to let Jun sleep when Jun suddenly shifts under his blanket. “Don’t go.”, he mumbles. “Just stay here.”
~~~
It doesn’t surprise Ohno anymore when Jun drops by randomly. He has decided to give him all the time he needs.
“Baseball season is over.”, Jun sighs. “And we ran out of horror movies to watch.”
Ohno grins cheekily. “How high is the chance you’ll go fishing with me?” The look on Jun’s face is worth the question, because the latter pulls his eyebrows up in surprise, eyes widened in shock.
“Why should I?”
“It’s relaxing, you know.”
“You mean boring.”
Ohno laughs slightly. “Well, if you ever change your mind, tell me. Meanwhile-” He jumps up from the sofa and hurries to his working desk in the corner of the room. His laptop is right there, next to an orchid he hasn’t watered since forever. For now, he ignores it and grabs the computer instead. “Nino installed a game for me last time he was here. He said it’s the best he played in ages.”
“What’s it called?” Jun asks when Ohno returns and places the laptop in front of them.
He shrugs. “I’m bread, I think.”
Jun stares at him, the look in his eyes something between amusement and disbelief. “I’m bread? Is that the name? Seriously… you aren’t kidding me?”
“No, it’s true.”
“And Nino said it’s the best game he played in ages.”
“Yes.”
“Are you, in all seriousness, telling me that Nino plays a game that’s called I’m bread?
Ohno can almost feel how Jun’s gaze sticks to him as he switches on the game. “Wait a moment.”, he mumbles when the game starts and Ohno tries out the controls. “Are we actually the bread in this game!?”
“We are raw toast.”, Ohno frowns as he tries to move as a piece of toast over the kitchen table.
It takes them exactly 48 minutes and 32 seconds, going from various stages of amusement (Mission: Become toast?) to mere frustration, until they are completely exhausted. After one temper tantrum from Jun, one from Ohno in which he was hammering on his laptop’s keyboard like crazy, they give up.
“Nino’s an idiot.” Ohno grumbles. “He has totally trolled us.”
“Yes.”, Jun agrees with a small smile on his lips. “But now I feel like eating toast.”
Ohno doesn’t have toast at home, but he has ramen. Gladly, Jun seems to be happy with that too, he even cuts some additional vegetables and puts them into it. While Ohno eats his ramen, he spills half of it on his mahogany table. Jun’s expression is something between amusement and annoyance. He likes things neat. Still, this look is a lot better than the tired look he had during the last couple of weeks.
~~~
He found Jun at the farthest place of the recording studio. He is leaning against one of the huge glass windows, staring into the rain. “I like rain.”, he muses when Ohno approaches him. “It makes me feel calm.”
Ohno joins him, though he can’t understand what exactly it is about the rain that makes Jun feel calm, because right now, thick raindrops are hammering against the window while thunder lightens the sky.
It’s an up and down with Jun at the moment. He is by far not that moody anymore and he hasn’t jumped at Sho either, which is always a good sign. But sometimes he gets unusually quiet, like he is crawling into a shell. His eyes seem to be pinned to the distance then, weirdly clouded. He is the farthest away from the original Jun then.
“Jun, forgive me for asking the next question.”
The glance Jun throws at him is something between surprised, a bit curious and a bit scared. He starts tapping the fingers of his right hand against the glass while his left hand plays with his bracelet. “Just ask it already.”, he finally says.
“Is he violent?” Ohno asks, surprised at his own direct approach. “Is Shin-kun violent?”
Jun takes too long to answer. “It gets rough sometimes.”
“Like it did with your hand?”
“He pushed me against the mirror. And against the wall.”
Ohno swallows hard at that revelation. One part of him is surprised that Jun answers so openly, the other part knows that his friend is probably feeling really tired of all the hiding and lies. He recalls Jun’s increased usage of make-up, which decreased by now. “Something else I should know?”
“Probably a bit more. It’s-” Jun pauses, obviously searching for words, before he finally continues. “I can’t. Not now.”
Ohno nods. “Of course.”
“He wasn’t always like that.”, Jun explains, like he is the one who needs to apologize. “It was different before. He was nice and caring and he helped me through all the difficult times. You know, after our debut, when we struggled. Also when we were kids, he was always there.”
“Hm.”
“He has lost his job. And started drinking.”, Jun continues. “That’s how it began.”
Ohno knows that Jun is a strong guy, who probably would fight such a situation. But still he is surprised by how unconvinced Jun himself sounds at the moment when he is talking about Shin’s good sides. He really is tired of making excuses. That’s his chance: “You don’t owe him, Jun.” Ohno can hear how his voice is shaking slightly and how he is almost too silent, but he is sure that Jun heard him because his lips quiver slightly.
“Hm.”, he makes and Ohno isn’t sure if the message really reached him or not.
“You don’t owe him.”, he repeats once more, because he wants him to understand and accept it. He reaches out to touch his arm, squeezing it lightly. “You know that!”
Jun tilts his head to the left, his hair falling into his forehead and almost covering his eyes. “I need to think about that.” He finally turns his head back to Ohno and looks at him directly. “Give me a moment, please. Or maybe two.”
Ohno nods. He squeezes Jun’s arm once more, then he retreats to give him the air and room he needs. Meanwhile he distracts himself by playing chess with Aiba. The latter is surprisingly good at it. Even Sho loses against him.
When an hour passes and Jun is still not back, Ohno begins to feel worried. It’s the same old feeling whenever he doesn’t know what exactly is going on inside Jun’s mind, what he is up to. Hopefully nothing stupid.
It’s this last thought that makes him go and look for Jun, but he doesn’t find him in front of the huge window. Apparently, he left. For a while, Ohno keeps wondering, going through every option he can think of. The building is huge after all and he doesn’t want to waste too much time by aimlessly searching. When it dawns on him where Jun could be, he sighs deeply. “I can’t believe this idiot.”
He doesn’t waste any time as he hurries back to the others, only to grab his umbrella. “I’ll be back in a minute.”, he tells them and leaves, before any of them can ask questions.
Jun’s sitting outside, on one of the park benches of the private garden of the studio. His clothes are soaking wet, his dark hair sticking to his head.
“I like it when the sight in front of me gets blurred.” Jun stretches out his hand and dives through the thick raindrops. “It narrows down my sight and makes me focus on what I can see.”
Ohno opens his umbrella and holds it above Jun’s head. “And what do you see?”, he finally asks.
There is a slight chuckle escaping Jun’s mouth. “At the moment? You and your red umbrella.”
Something in Ohno’s stomach feels all fuzzy and warm all of a sudden. “Hm. That’s pretty obvious”, he says, while actually, it is not.
“I’ll be okay, Satoshi.” Jun finally says. Hearing his name coming out from Jun’s mouth, without any suffix or honorific or an actual short form, sounds weird and pleasant at the same time. “Don’t worry too much.”
Ohno chuckles softly. “That’s easier said than done.”
“I’ve worried you a lot during the last weeks.”, Jun continues, surprisingly calm and composed. “And I’m truly sorry for that. But I think, even though I said something else previously, I’m strong enough.”
~~~
When Jun drops by that evening, Ohno knows immediately what happened by the look in his face. Jun doesn’t say anything, nor does he cry. There is not even the hint of tears in his eyes. He is only wearing his black jeans and a grey shirt beneath his jacket, everything else was left behind.
He sleeps on Ohno’s couch that night, and also the next three nights. It’s Sho who goes and picks up Jun’s belongings, because Ohno knows he can’t. He isn’t sure what he would do when he meets this guy. Despite his little tantrums, Sho is much more controlled in his emotions.
It’s only one week later when Jun has gotten all his stuff back from Shin-kun. He has changed his phone number, email address and even moved out of his own apartment. Just to be safe, he said. But Ohno knows the true reason is that probably there are too many sad memories attached to his apartment. He wants to start anew.
Jun is still quieter and more tired than usual, but then, nothing changes over night. Ohno knows that.
Sometimes he finds Jun staring out in the rain. It’s these moments that Jun seems a bit fragile. But even then, Ohno can see how the shards that originally broke down from Jun are slowly finding their place again. Every day, Jun becomes more like the old Jun. Still, some things remain different. If something like that happens to you, you just can’t be the old you anymore.
But also, the new Jun is likeable. Aiba, Sho and Nino think so too, because they adapt to this little change immediately, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Say, Jun-“ Ohno grins a bit. “About your weird fascination with rain. You think you could do something about that?”
Jun blinks. “Like what?”
“Snow.”, Sho muses when Ohno doesn’t answer immediately. “Snow is similar to rain, but less work, nicer. More calming.”
“Yeah.”, Ohno nods. “Or, you know, sun for example. Sun is nice too and relaxing!”
“I’ll think about it.”, Jun answers surprisingly earnest. But there is a certain teasing glance in his eyes which makes him finally look alive again. “After all, I still owe you a boring fishing trip.”
~~~
It’s months later that everything went back to normal. Or as normal as it can become. “Here.” In Jun hands, there is the key Ohno once gave him. “Thanks for everything. You are a true friend. I can never, ever, pay you back.”
“Nah, keep it. And stop thanking me all the time. Feels weird.” Ohno smiles. “My door is still open for you, you know. And if not-“
“I can open it myself?”
Jun laughs a bit. It’s an honest and true laugh and it makes Ohno feel warm and happy inside. For the moment, that’s all he needs. Everything else he’ll figure out soon enough.
***
Note 1: I'm bread exists! And you really are playing as a piece of toast :-)
Note 2: Writing this drained me. It was so difficult. I hope I managed it to somewhat stay in character!
Pairing/Group: Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13 (for the slightly dark topic)
Beta:
ivenclaireGenre: hurt & comfort
Warnings: Well, the natural warnings that come with the genre :-) There are hints of violence towards one of the characters (from an OC of course)
Summary: Some changes are so subtle at first, so little, that one doesn’t even realize something is different. Jun is good at hiding his problems, but when Ohno realizes that something is seriously off, he decides not to look away. He is going to help.
Some changes are so subtle at first, so little, that one doesn’t even realize something is different. It’s slow and silent, like a tiny little crack in a window that gets bigger and more visible every day.
The first time Ohno truly wondered if something was wrong, was already months ago. But he easily dismissed it. It’s stress, he told himself. Everyone has mood swings here and there. It’s nothing serious.
But now months later, he has run out of excuses. When did it start? Which signs did he miss?
“Hey, Jun-kun.” Ohno says right after a band rehearsal as he changes into his street clothes. “Nino and Aiba-chan suggested going for a drink. Want to join?”
Jun pauses, thinks, visibly considering his options. There are deep furrows on his forehead. For a moment he opens his lips like he wants to say something, eyes shining, almost happy. But it only lasts for a few seconds, then his face is suddenly blank again, eyes looking tired. “Sorry.”, he says. “I can’t. Have to go home.”
It’s the fourth time this week that Ohno got exactly that same reaction from his friend, and the tenth time within the last two weeks. How much does that make in a month?
Although Aiba and Nino keep making stupid jokes all evening long, Ohno can’t enjoy his time with them. Not even one second.
~~~
Sometimes, when he watches Jun, it seems like Jun’s nerves are only attached to a tiny little string, so tensed that Ohno wonders when they’ll tear apart and make Jun burst in whatever feelings he has. But Jun won’t be Jun if he isn’t really good at holding back.
Still, he is a bit more short tempered than usual, a tiny bit more moody, a bit more tired. And if you take a closer look at him, there is a sad look in his eyes.
It’s on a rainy afternoon, when their band rehearsals are postponed because Nino and Sho are sick, that Ohno decides to give it a shot. “Did you watch the baseball match yesterday?” Normally, he is the type of guy who would ask someone directly if something was wrong, if he had a problem. He isn’t so sure himself why he doesn’t do that with Jun. Something is holding him back from asking. It’s like an inner voice that tells him it’s a more sensitive issue to deal with.
Jun is obviously surprised by this question, but he recovers quickly. He smiles slightly. “I only saw the start of it. Then-“ Suddenly there is a pause and a certain expression in his eyes that Ohno can’t quite put his finger on.
“Then?” he pushes it.
Jun shrugs and smiles absent-mindedly. “Something else came up.”, he finally answers.
The tone he says it in sends slight shivers over Ohno’s spine. It’s not a good feeling. “Want to re-watch it?”
Jun looks at him in surprise. Some of his black curls are falling into his face and he pushes them aside with his right hand. “Re-watch?”
“I’ve recorded it.”, Ohno explains. Glad for once that he sometimes does things the others call ‘weird’. It comes handy this time. “I missed it yesterday.”
“Well-“ Jun plays with the zipper of his bag absent-mindedly before his gaze shifts to the half-opened window. His eyes seem to be attached to something far away. “I like rain.”, he muses all of a sudden, like he is talking to himself. When Ohno throws him a surprised glance, he coughs nervously, like Ohno has witnessed something he shouldn’t. “Okay. I’ll come.”
Jun drives. He likes cars more than Ohno does and he can get excited easily when he sees a brand-new, stylish car. But this time he doesn’t say much, even when they pass the new Aston Martin parked close to them. He is caught in his thoughts, fingers wrapped almost grimly around the wheel, lips pressed against each other tightly.
Ohno watches him carefully from the side, but he decides not to ask anything, not to interrupt the silence. This is not the right moment. Not when Jun has this angry, sad expression.
Funny enough, it’s Jun who disrupts the silence once they reach Ohno’s apartment. “I need to apologize to Aiba-chan.” he says out of the blue.
Ohno takes his time, prepares some tea and hands him a cup. “Why’s that?”, he finally asks.
Jun grabs the sugar pot and pours sugar in his tea. He doesn’t even look at it, just lets the sugar run down. “I was moody today.” When he takes a sip from his tea, Ohno expects him to grimace in disgust, but Jun’s expression remains the same, like he isn’t tasting anything.
Ohno leans against the table, fingertips tapping against it thoughtfully. “It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while.”
“Maybe, but it’s not his fault.” Jun tilts his head and stares at the table, right at the spot where Ohno still taps his fingers. It’s almost like he is counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, pause, start anew. “It’s not his fault.”, he repeats and Ohno isn’t all that sure if it’s still about Aiba.
“So, what about the game?” Jun asks after a while. He smiles at Ohno, a beautiful smile. But it feels like a disguise.
They watch the game in silence. It’s only when they reach the first half of the game that Ohno realises none of them has said a single word, let alone followed the game. Still, Jun’s face is surprisingly calm and almost relaxed.
When they reach the end of the game, it’s already turning dark outside, but the rain is still hammering against the window madly. They prepare dinner together and when Jun complains about why there is only unhealthy stuff in Ohno’s fridge and no vegetables, it kind of feels a bit like the old Jun again. It’s then that Ohno realizes how much he has missed this Jun.
They settle for yesterday’s leftovers, because Jun says he doesn’t want to ruin his health with all the garbage Ohno has collected. So, he warms up yesterday’s rice and eat
“Hey Jun, are you still dating that guy? Shin was his name, right?” Ohno asks while he tries to take out a little part of the eggshell out of his rice that accidentally dropped into it.
“Are you trying to hit on me?” Jun grins and again, for this short moment, he seems to be like the good old Jun from one year ago.
Ohno chuckles. “Not if you are in a relationship.”
Jun nods slightly and looks at Ohno thoughtfully for a while. His eyebrows are thicker than Nino’s or Sho’s and when he pulls them together in concentration, he looks almost angry sometimes. He scratches his earlobe a bit, but apparently he considers him to be trustworthy, because he nods. “Yes, still that guy.” The way he says that lets Ohno’s alarm bells ring immediately. It’s the resignation in Jun’s voice, the way he says still, how his eyes shift towards the window again, that makes his senses wake up immediately. “He has done a lot for me some years ago.”, Jun continues and it sounds like an apology.
Ohno doesn’t say or ask any more than that, he feels that he has pushed his luck enough for today and that he came further than ever before.
“I really like the rain.”, Jun says once more. And then all of a sudden: “Let me sleep here, please.”
And Ohno nods, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
~~~
Sometimes Jun wears more make-up than usual. It makes his face almost porcelain-like. Ohno has no idea why he does that, but he doesn’t like how it erases Jun’s strong features. It’s not like he can tell Jun though, so he drops the subject and doesn’t talk about it.
“What’s this?” Jun eyes Ohno’s cupboard sceptically. “A new movie? It wasn’t here last time, was it?”
“No.”, Ohno grins. “Sho left it here. Apparently, it’s one of the best movies ever. I only watched half an hour of it, didn’t even get what it’s about.”
“Sho-kun has no taste at all.” Jun teases and smiles slightly. “Boring?”
“Yeah. It goes through all shades of boring.” Ohno twinkles a bit. “But don’t tell Sho.”
“Mind if we watch it?”
Ohno is surprised by that request, but shrugs nevertheless. “Well, if you don’t mind falling asleep in between.”
“Actually, boring sounds quite cool at the moment.” Jun drops down on the sofa with a smile, but this time Ohno doesn’t let himself be tricked by it. It just seems so weird. There is no spark in Jun’s eyes, nothing that makes him look truly happy, besides the end of his lips being pulled up. The more he looks at it, the creepier his smile is. “People underestimate boring sometimes.”, Jun adds in a quiet voice.
Ohno is at a loss for words. He distracts himself by putting the movie into his Blu-ray player and tries to wipe away the dust there. His fingers leave traces on the black surface where some of the dust remains. It makes him think of Jun’s make-up all of a sudden.
~~~
They are either free the next couple of days or have individual working schedules. Ohno doesn’t see Jun, he doesn’t hear anything from him either. And although it shouldn’t bother him, it makes his stomach twist painfully.
He sends him several messages, all of them as random as possible, but he doesn’t get any answers.
When he can’t take it any longer, he decides to call. If Jun doesn’t pick up or call back, he will just accept the fact that he doesn’t want to talk to him.
“Hello.”
For a moment Ohno is so surprised that he almost forgets to answer. Only when Jun repeats his Hello, did he basically wake up. “Oh, yes, hi.”
Jun chuckles. “You called me. Why are you surprised that I’m on the phone?”
“To be honest-“ Ohno sighs. “I thought you would ignore me.”
It’s quiet for a moment and he can only hear Jun’s breath at the other end of the phone. “Sorry.”, Jun finally says. “I’m sorry.”
All of a sudden, Ohno feels bad about hearing Jun apologize like that, with this voice that sounds so tense. “Nah”, he says and tries to smile. Maybe his smile can reach Jun, even when they are apart. “Everyone is too busy once in a while.”
“Hmhm.”
Jun’s vague answer brings Ohno back to his original reason why he called. “Listen, I just wanted to make sure-“ But Ohno doesn’t get to say what he wanted to make sure of, because there is suddenly a loud noise coming through the phone. Someone is talking. Ohno has seen Shin-kun only a few times, but even so, he is sure that the voice belongs to him. Who is that? Who is on the phone? Ohno tightens his grip on his phone. “Jun?”, he asks, his voice dripping with worry. He can hear Jun talking in the distance, his voice sounds weirdly strained. “Jun! Is everything alright?”
Suddenly Jun’s voice is back. “Sorry. I’ll call you back.” With that, he disappears. Ohno only hears a weird snapping noise and the angry voice asking, Is it him again!? Then he can swear that he hears a weird clashing sound.
Silence.
Ohno stares at his display for a moment. He is so tensed that only when his eyes suddenly start to burn, did he realise he hasn’t even blinked once. He rubs over them a bit before he dials Jun’s number again. But his phone is switched off.
Who is on the phone?
Is it him again!?
Although he has promised him, Jun doesn’t call back. Not today, not the entire next week. Damn!
~~~
“Guys, I have a new phone number.”
Jun has said it casually while he comes into the dressing room. But Ohno’s attention is rising immediately. “What? Why?”, he asks and it sounds almost too sharp.
“I broke mine.” Jun drops down next to Nino with a sigh, pretending like he hasn’t heard how Ohno’s voice was off. “I dropped it. Pretty stupid, huh?”
“You are asking me?” Nino chuckles. “I broke mine just two weeks ago.”
“You could also ask, Sho.” Aiba jokes with a teasing glance towards Sho. “He knows a lot about broken phones.” All three of them laugh, while Sho mutters something along the words stupid brats and no respect.
Ohno doesn’t join in their conversation; he just keeps watching them from the side. He is so tensed that his hands are almost shaking when he moves them. The voice of the other guy is still ringing in his ears. Who is that? Who are you talking with! Is it him again!?
It hasn’t escaped his notice that Jun is avoiding look into his eyes and that his lips are shivering slightly, even though he is smiling in front of the others. How can the others not realize it? It’s so painfully obvious that he is putting on a mask, an almost perfect façade. But his oh-so perfect façade already has little fractures and cracks – they are getting bigger with every new day, with every time he sees Jun. What will happen when Jun’s façade bursts into thousands of tiny little shards?
It’s later, when the others are preoccupied with other things that Ohno decides to ask the inevitable. “Jun-“, he starts, while he approaches his friend, and he sounds unusually earnest. “It wasn’t an accident, am I right?”
Jun looks away for a moment, before he eyes Ohno out of the corner of his eyes. “Don’t.”, he just mumbles. He sounds a bit angry and a bit impatient, but also really tired.
Ohno sits down next to him and reaches his hand out for a moment to touch Jun’s knee. It’s a soft gesture, a reassuring one. He can see how Jun’s expression softens up a bit, his features more relaxed. Ohno keeps his hand there patiently and waits for Jun’s face to finally relax a bit. He doesn’t say a word. He decides not to deepen this conversation and not to ask any more questions. It’s not the right time for that. Jun eyes his hand on his knee, but he doesn’t push it away.
It’s only later, when they are finished with their rehearsals, that Jun’s phone rings all of a sudden. Jun looks at the display for a moment, then with a sigh he leaves the room. Ohno doesn’t intend to follow him, but when Aiba almost begs him to fetch them something to eat, he has no other option but to leave as well. He almost misses Jun. The latter is leaning in a corner of the corridor, talking into his phone. “But I don’t want to talk to you now, so stop calling!”, he says in an angry voice.
For a moment Ohno is relieved that there is still something of the old bite in Jun’s voice. It’s not gone completely. He coughs slightly, because he doesn’t want Jun to think he is spying on him.
Jun’s eyes twitch slightly when he sees him, but other than that he doesn’t react. “No, don’t dare to drop by today.”, he huffs, before he hangs up.
Ohno is silent for a moment, before he takes a step – or two – towards Jun. “Are you alright?”
Jun looks at him, then he turns his face away. “I’m going back to the others.”, he says without looking at Ohno and hurries away. Ohno smiles slightly. It’s a stupid feeling now, but still, he is glad that Jun can’t lie to him openly. Not when it’s so obvious that he is not alright.
~~~
Ohno can’t deny that he is surprised when Jun suddenly knocks at his door. Jun seems to be a bit embarrassed too, because he shifts around before he finally shows Ohno a bag with groceries. “Watching the game today?”
“Yes, of course.”, Ohno answers, although he hasn’t intended to watch it at all. He doesn’t even know which game it is and when it’s starting. But Jun knows. Apparently he has looked it up beforehand.
They settle down on Ohno’s sofa and watch the first half of the game silently. Ohno knows that Jun isn’t really looking at the TV. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see how Jun rests his head in the palm of his left hand, eyes looking at the floor.
“Where did you meet?”
His question draws Jun’s attention towards him. The latter blinks a little, one of his eyebrows pulled up in slight amusement. “I’m missing the context. Where did I meet who?”
Ohno is sure that Jun knows exactly who he is talking about, but for Jun’s sake he decides to play along. “Shin-kun.”, he says calmly.
Apparently his calm answer has completely taken Jun aback, because he turns his glance away from Ohno, staring at the table. There are deep frowns between his eyebrows. “Actually.”, Jun’s lips shiver. “We are childhood friends. I’ve known him since I was a little kid.”
So that’s why, Ohno adds in his mind.
~~~
It was a simple dance move they had to do, but it needed Aiba to grab Jun’s wrist. Jun winces in pain so obviously that even Aiba is shocked. He can see how the latter pulls his hand away immediately, throwing an insecure glance at Sho who is standing right next to him. Sho just shakes his head, but in his eyes, there is a certain thoughtful look. The façade is really crumbling with every passing day.
“You alright?” Ohno asks later when he meets Jun in the dressing room.
When Jun looks up from his script his eyes meet Ohno’s. “Hm?”
“Your arm?”
“I just hurt my hand the other day.”, Jun says in a voice that makes it clear he wants Ohno to back off. But Ohno is not that easily scared anyway.
“How?”
“None of your business.”, Jun huffs, unusually hostile. He is not like that normally. But now, his voice would even scare Sho away. And he is brushing through his hair angrily, fingers twitching a bit. Ohno wonders if it’s really only anger he sees in Jun’s eyes or if there is something else too.
“Are you sure-”
“It’s nothing.” Jun interrupts him. And: “Leave me alone.”
In your dreams, idiot. Ohno snorts inwardly and sits down next to Jun instead of going away. He has opened a door for Jun
Jun is clearly surprised by the change of topic. “Today?”
“Sure.”
He doesn’t even know why and how he got Jun to agree to that. It’s just a guess, but he believes that Jun feels guilty for jumping at him like that and for taking his anger out on him. A tiny part of Ohno also hopes that Jun is not only doing it out of guilt, but also because he actually enjoys being with him. He looked pretty relaxed and calm the last time they met. “I just need to grab my jacket from my apartment.”, Jun says before they leave the studio.
On their way to Jun’s place, none of them says anything. It’s only when Jun closes the door behind them that he finally speaks. “Just sit down somewhere, I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
When Jun is gone, the silence engulfs him. Weird. None of them has said a word before, but being silent together with Jun is still more comfortable than being alone in this place. He looks around a bit. Jun’s apartment is still the same as it was a few months ago, but it seems like he is hardly at home anymore. Ohno remembers that Aiba once told him that he is at Shin’s place most of the time.
He sighs slightly as he stands in the middle of the room, wondering what it’s going to take to make Jun smile again from the bottom of his heart. To help him get free. Things are getting more complicated day by day.
It takes a while for Ohno to realise it, but when he looks around in Jun’s apartment, he sees a spot on the wall. The plastering at that place is crumbling slightly. And right at the other side of the living room where there used to be Jun’s mirror, there is an empty spot now. Ohno frowns deeply. He is glad that Jun is in the kitchen at the moment, so that he can check on it secretly. When he eyes the floor at that spot closely, there are almost invisible little shards of broken glass and some tiny red spots. It’s almost impossible to see them. It looks like blood. Is that how Jun hurt his hand?
For a moment Ohno is speechless. Thousand questions pile in his mind, but in the end he doesn’t ask even one of them. When Jun returns, he is sitting on the sofa. And when they leave the apartment, he doesn’t dare to look back. How can he save Jun? What can he, alone, do? He feels responsible for the things that might happen. He doesn’t know how long he is able to ensure that Jun is well and safe.
The thought of Jun getting hurt sends shivers over his spine. His stomach twists painfully. He wishes to see his smile again, how his lips would widen into a bright smile, little dimples gracing his cheeks, his eyes sparkling in delight. It’s this image that makes Ohno’s body tingle and he doesn’t know what to make out of this feeling yet. But it’s also this image that wakes Ohno suddenly up from his frozen state.
“Let’s go to my place.”
“What?” Jun halts and eyes Ohno suspiciously. “Why? Didn’t you want to go out for dinner?”
“We’ll order something in.” Ohno says when they leave the elevator. He has had it from all the excuses. Instead he grabs Jun’s arm and pulls him along. He hasn’t thought properly, so he is surprised when Jun suddenly pulls his arm free and grimaces in pain. “How did you hurt your arm?”, he asks again.
“Listen.” Jun’s voice is sounding more frustrated than ever before, but Ohno has no intention to back off now. “I don’t want to talk about it!”
“I don’t care if you want to talk about it or not.”, he retorts calmly. “I’ll take a look at it. If you don’t want me to do it, we’ll just drive to the hospital.”
Jun lets out a sigh. He doesn’t say anything, eyes clouded with thoughts Ohno can only guess. He is not surprised when Jun finally agrees. Of course he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. It was an easy battle for Ohno to win. “Fine.”, the younger one huffs and walks away from the elevator. He has long legs and reaches the car before Ohno does.
Jun doesn’t talk to him the whole way until they reach Ohno’s place. But although he looks pretty angry for being tricked, his face is surprisingly open. When Ohno closes his apartment door, he finally can’t suppress a laugh. It doesn’t help that Jun looks at him like he has lost his mind.
“You alright?”, Jun finally asks while eying him carefully.
“God, Jun.”, he grins. “It’s been forever since you’ve been openly angry like that. It’s almost refreshing, you know.”
“Oh, shut up.”, Jun says grimly. And: “You are so going to order something expensive today. And pay for it!”
“Sure. Just order whatever you want.” It doesn’t matter anyway. He is just glad that it turned out rather well today and he doesn’t need to fight and argue with Jun.
They settle down on the floor right in front of the TV. Ohno’s carpet is fluffy and comfortable. And Jun has put a ridiculously scary horror movie into his Blu-ray player. A movie Aiba has secretly dumped into his apartment, because he was too scared to have it at his home.
Jun hasn’t seen it before so he is pretty much engulfed in it, which gives Ohno the time to do some research. “Hey Jun, show me your hand?”
Jun sighs inwardly. “How high is the chance that you’ll give up?”
“At the moment?” Ohno smiles. “Close to zero.” He sighs in relief when Jun doesn’t discuss the subject any longer but simply reaches out his hand. He has wrapped a bandage around it and it takes a while for Ohno to open it. At the inner side of Jun’s wrist and arm, there are slight bruises. “Did you hit your hand against the wall?”, he asks while he recalls how the plastering was crumbling at one side.
“Yes.”
Ohno moves and turns Jun’s wrist carefully. He is glad that there are hardly any cuts visible. “What happened to the mirror?” he asks.
Jun sighs tiredly. “Got broken together with my phone.” Got broken. Jun has always been good with words, Ohno thinks. He didn’t say I broke it. But it got broken. It’s not a lie like that. Sometimes he wishes that Jun was not that smart.
He doesn’t ask if any of these incidents were an accident or not. Mainly because he doesn’t want Jun to be forced into lying to him. He isn’t too sure if he would tell the truth now, not when he is asked so directly.
“This movie is so stupid. They just ruined the suspense with all the gore.”, Jun complains into the silence. “Why do you even have it?”
“Aiba was scared of it.”, Ohno explains with a smile on his lips. “He got the movie from Nino, so he didn’t want to throw it away. He forgot it here.”
“Of course. Because Aiba is genuinely good-hearted. He would never hurt someone.”
Ohno looks up when Jun said that. His face is thoughtful, a bit sad. He wonders what kind of demons Jun’s fighting at the moment.
“Hey.”, Jun turns his head and looks at Ohno directly now. It comes a bit as a surprise and Ohno has a hard time breathing at the moment, because Jun is so damn close. “Thanks for forcing me into this today.”
Ohno shows him a warm smile. “Any time.”
~~~
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong with Jun?”
Ohno stares at Sho for a while. They went out for a drink in Sho’s favourite bar and chatted about all kind of random things. So his question did surprise him, because it came so directly and because he didn’t think that Sho was so aware of something being off. Though, if he thinks about it properly, he remembers the look on Sho’s face when Jun hurt his hand. “How could I tell you?”, Ohno answers.
“You can’t tell me?”
Ohno shrugs. Sho knocks against the bar table with his knuckles. “But there is something off?”
“Why are you asking me when you already know the answer yourself?” Ohno says calmly. He knows Sho is not content with this answer, but he can’t give him more at the moment. He is afraid that if he tells him too much, Jun might get to know about it and lose his trust in him. Then who will he go to when something is off again?
“I-“ There is a long awkward pause, in which Sho looks to the side for a moment, bites his lips, before he turns to face Ohno again. “He is just… not the same. But-“
“But, what?”
Sho shrugs almost helplessly. “I didn’t know how to approach him about it.” He smiles tiredly. “Jun doesn’t trust me.”, he adds.
“He does.”
Sho shakes his head. “He did once, but it’s already years ago that he would trust me.” A careful smile curls around his lips. “Now he trusts you.”
Ohno can’t deny the warm feeling that spreads through him when he hears that. He knows he probably shouldn’t feel that way now, but he just can’t help it. There is this slight fuzzy feeling he hasn’t gotten in years, that suddenly appears and moves from his toes up to his head and engulfs him completely. It feels nice.
“It’s this Shin-kun, right?” Sho asks all of a sudden. Then he is silent, uncomfortably silent. And Ohno already knows what he is going to ask before he can even open his mouth. “Does he beat him?”
“I don’t know.”, Ohno answers honestly, because there is no reason for him to lie about something he doesn’t know yet. He is still figuring it out after all.
The next thing Sho says bothers him a lot more though. He himself has thought about that for weeks already. Worried about it. And still he doesn’t know the answer. “Satoshi-kun, Jun is the type who would carry his problems alone. He is a strong person, but this here might be a bit too much for him. Do you think you can help him? Do you have it under control?”
“I think it’s not a question of can anymore.” Even though it doesn’t sound too convincing to Ohno, it apparently convinced Sho out whatever reasons. They can’t deepen their conversation anyway because Nino joins them.
“Looking so earnest?”, he chuckles. “What were you talking about?”
Sho and Ohno exchange a glance, before they both force a smile on their lips. “Been in our thoughts.”, Ohno explains randomly.
Ohno is glad that Sho is here too, because the latter basically keeps the conversation up and prevents Nino from getting too suspicious although the latter does send one or other awkward glance towards Ohno. Ohno on the other hand is busy with his own thoughts, his gaze randomly wandering through the bar. Wait, isn’t that…? He has almost missed him, because the light here is dimmed. “That’s Shin-kun.”
“Hm?”, Nino blinks in surprise and turns around a bit towards the tall guy who is leaning against the bar counter. “Who is who?”
Sho’s mind works fast. He reacts immediately. “He is watching us.”
Ohno frowns deeply. It’s like the guy has only waited for them to turn around and see him because he throws a cheeky smile towards them before he turns over and continues talking to another guy. It takes a moment for Ohno to realize what he is up to, and once he got it, he just can’t believe it. There is this douchebag, wrapping his arms around the other guy and –
“Is he seriously making out with that other guy now!? How can he!?” Sho asks with so much disgust and disapproval in his voice that even Nino looks at him in surprise.
“Isn’t that Jun’s guy?”, Nino asks all of a sudden and squeezes his eyes a bit. There is a sudden uncomfortable tone in his voice. “What’s he doing with this other dude!?”
Ohno’s ears start ringing, his heart hammering against his chest. What kind of dirty game is this jerk playing? It hardly happens that he loses control, but when Shin says something along the words Meet me at the hotel, loud enough for them to hear, and leaves the bar, he just can’t hold back anymore. He knows it’s a clear provocation, but he can’t think properly anymore.
“Oh-chan!?” Nino calls after him. “Where are you going to? Don’t tell me you-. F*ck.”
Ohno blends his friends’ voices out completely as he rushes outside. Shin is still in front of the bar, apparently searching for his car keys. “You piece of dirt”, Ohno yells with anger spreading inside him. He didn’t know that it was actually possible for him to get that angry. “At home you are trying to break Jun and here you are, f*cking around.”
“What do you care?” Shin huffs. “Jun is mine. He belongs to me! He can’t live without me!”
Ohno is pretty sure that he has already lost it when he followed Shin outside, but this here was basically the last straw. He raises his fist, about to punch the guy with all he has. Only when Sho is the one who moans in pain and turns his face away that he realizes he has jumped in between this Shin-idiot and Ohno’s fist.” Are you stupid, Sho!?”
“Are you!?”
“Stop it, Oh-chan.” Nino blurts out and steps in between. He grabs Ohno’s arm to hold him back and turns towards Shin. “And you-“, he eyes him insistently, a dangerous glint in them. “Just go. What are you doing here anyway!?”
Ohno’s heartbeat goes back to normal all of a sudden. His body feels numb when he sees how this guy, who treats a loyal and good guy like Jun so badly, is about to leave. “Don’t you even realize it?”, he says and he is pretty sure that Shin-kun hears him, because for a tiny second he halts. “How little you actually think of Jun? You don’t hurt someone you love.”, he continues calmly, his voice so cold that he is surprised himself. “This is not love.”
About one hour later they are sitting in Sho’s fancy apartment with Sho pressing an ice bag on his left eye and cheek. “I didn’t know you could hit that hard.”, he complains. “It’s going to leave a bruise.”
“Don’t worry, Sho-chan.”, Nino says with a cheeky smile. “I’m good with using make-up. No one will realise. Well, as long as they don’t look close enough.”
Ohno takes a closer look at Sho’s face and sighs when he sees the clear trace of his punch. “I’m sorry, Sho. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“I know.” Sho hands the ice bag over to Ohno, who wraps it around his hand. “Better me than the other guy. Who knows what he would have done then.”
“He planned this.” Ohno says bitterly. The others look up in surprise.
“What do you mean?” Nino finally dares to ask.
“He waited for us to watch him. He knows none of us has the guts to stop him or to tell Jun.”
It’s silent again. A silence which Nino uses to shift his look from Ohno to Sho, and back to Ohno again “Say, guys, is there a chance you are going to tell me what’s actually going on? Or am I just wasting my effort by asking?”
“You are probably wasting your effort.”, Sho jokes and despite the obvious nerve-wracking tension, Ohno has to smile.
~~~
“What happened to your face, Sho-chan?” Aiba leans forward a bit, eyes wide in surprise. Nino has fulfilled his promise and tried his best to cover Sho’s bruise with make-up. Still… “It looks like someone hit you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”, Sho sighs and shoves Aiba away a bit. “I just ran against my cupboard. Forgot to close its door. Let’s not make a drama out of it.”
Ohno is glad that Sho is pulling the attention towards him, so no one is asking about his own hand, wrapped in a bandage. He has made his plans without Jun though, because the latter is suddenly sitting next to him, his dark eyes resting on Ohno. “Your hand?”, Jun asks.
“Well-“ a look into Jun’s eyes makes him realize that there is no chance to escape it. “Later.”, he only says, relieved that Jun nods.
“At your place?”
Ohno brushes over his eyes a bit. “Only if you bring something to eat.”
Jun smiles.
“I said, something to eat, not half of the konbini.” Ohno complains when he looks into the bags Jun brought along.
Jun shrugs. “You didn’t say what you like. So I thought better be prepared for everything, meat, vegetables, fish, cake, sushi, freshly made chocolate cake. Oh, and I brought a piece of carrot cake.”
“Carrot cake?” Ohno looks at the little, dry piece of cake sceptically. “Why carrot cake?”
“I felt sorry for it.”, Jun explains, while he places everything in the fridge. “No one likes carrot cake. It was all alone, sitting between melon pan and chocolate cake.”
By the tone of his voice, Ohno can’t tell if Jun’s joking or not. So he asks. “You are kidding, right?”
There is a slight smile that curls around Jun’s lips. “Of course I am. I bought it for myself. I like carrot cake.” Once he has finished everything, he closes the refrigerator and leans against it. For a moment, Ohno can only hear Jun’s steady breath. “Your hand.”, Jun finally says while he grabs his bag. “I brought some band-aids and bandages along.”
“Come on, Jun, it’s not necessary.”
“Well, either you let me take a look at it or we’ll drive to the hospital!”
Ohno stares at Jun in utter surprise. There is this little glint in Jun’s eyes which hasn’t been there for a while. Ohno grins. “I can’t believe you are getting back at me like that.”
Now it’s all reversed roles, with Jun being the one sitting on the floor and moving Ohno’s wrist carefully. “Does it hurt?” he asks.
“It’s okay. I think I only strained it a bit.”
“You know, you are supposed to leave your thumb outside when you hit someone.”, Jun explains with a cheeky grin on his face. “Did you hit Sho-kun?”
“Well, I didn’t mean to.” Ohno ponders for a while, not sure how to explain the situation. “You could say it was an accident.”
“What?”, Jun smiles. “Did he run into your fist?”
Ohno is glad that Jun doesn’t know how close to the truth he is. And at the same time he is glad that Jun is still able to joke around. “More or less, yes.”
“Sounds fun. Wish I was there.”
The last statement is a bit too much for Ohno and he feels slightly sick. He turns his face away for a moment because he is not sure if he can look Jun in the eye. When he looks back though, he knows that he has given away too much. Jun’s eyes are a bit wider than usual, there is this slight blankness inside them that suddenly gets replaced with embarrassment. Jun lets go of Ohno’s hand and grabs the fork for his carrot cake instead. He pokes the cake slightly, looking at it sadly. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? It is my fault.”
“No! It’s not.” Ohno can’t help but sound sharper than usual, almost angry.
“Yes it is.”, Jun says bitterly. “I thought I was stronger. I should be stronger.”
“You are strong!”
For a moment Ohno’s fingertips touch Jun’s. He tries to show him an encouraging smile. Apparently, it’s working because Jun’s eyes soften up. Then he looks sad all of a sudden. “Not strong enough.”
Ohno feels how the knot in his throat goes bigger. All his anger is washed away by the sight in front of him. “Do you still love him?”, he finally asks.
Jun wraps an arm around his own hip, like he is hugging himself. He thinks for a long moment, then he laughs bitterly. “I don’t even know anymore what love means.”
Ohno’s hands feel sweaty when he rubs them against his trousers. His stomach twists painfully. There is a certain feeling inside him, something he can’t name yet and he isn’t quite sure where it’s leading him to. He reaches out and takes Jun’s hand, pressing it in a reassuring way.
He doesn’t say anything, but Jun understands nevertheless. He nods slightly. “I know you are right. I know it. But-“
~~~
During the following days Jun goes through several mood swings. They are worse than usual. And he is also unusually quiet at times, pale. Ohno fears that he is going to disappear in front of him, that’s how skinny he has gotten.
It’s during a long rehearsal that he suddenly wavers dangerously, before his knees seem too weak to hold him up anymore.
“Damn, Jun, you alright?” Sho is the first one to reach Jun and kneels down next to him.
“I’m feeling fine, Sho-kun. So fuck off!”
It’s so quiet in the room for a moment that Ohno is sure he could hear the infamous pin drop down. It feels forever, but actually the others recover fast. “Well, then-“ Sho smiles in a way he normally never does, too soft and reassuring. Jun looks upset too and something inside Ohno tugs painfully. “That’s good, but we should have a break.”
“Yes.”, Ohno says as he helps Jun into a sitting position. “I’m feeling a bit tired too.” It’s a lie of course and he is pretty sure that Jun knows that, because his eyes are glinting angrily for a moment. Jun has always hated it when people lie for his sake, but Ohno doesn’t care about that right now.
“I’m still getting you something to drink. If you feel dizzy, you need liquid.”, Aiba demands and leaves the room.
“Wait a moment, Masaki.”, Nino frowns in worry as he hurries after Aiba. “I’ll better go with you. Otherwise you-“ Ohno can’t hear what else he says, because his voice disappears together with him and the echo is suddenly fading out.
It’s silent again and Ohno’s mind feels almost as numb as the rest of his body. The look in Jun’s eyes is empty. “Sorry, Sho-kun.”, he finally says and Ohno guesses it’s really the most he can say now. He exchanges a glance with Sho and he is sure that Jun knows that they are looking each other with worried eyes, but he doesn’t look up, maybe on purpose. And Ohno is glad that he doesn’t see the look in their eyes.
He is sure Jun is fighting the demons inside himself at the moment. Demons they know well, but still can’t help him with.
Then there is the second incident. It’s Nino’s birthday. And when Jun only drops by for a mere five minutes at his birthday dinner, a guilty expression on his face, and hands Nino a present with the words: “I’m sorry… I can’t.”, also Nino and Aiba for sure have realized that something is seriously off. He has stuttered the words in a so non-Jun-like manner and his face is pale, so pale, that for a moment Ohno fears he might disappear into thin air. He is so invisible in that moment.
He doesn’t even think properly about his decision but at that moment he just chases after Jun. Later he realizes that none of the others followed him. He takes a wild guess that Sho maybe stopped them.
“Jun! Wait!” Jun is pretty fast though. He has always been quite sporty and his legs are longer than Ohno’s. But Ohno is pretty determined too, so he goes for a drastic decision: He throws himself to the ground. Glad he is a better actor than others give him credit for. “Damn.”, he curses.
The outcome is exactly the one he hoped for, because Jun halts, turns around and bites his lips in anxiety. Then he lets out a frustrated sigh, before he goes back to Ohno. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you? I didn’t think you could do something that stupid. What if you got hurt for real?”
Jun’s hair and eyes are so dark that Ohno can’t really define his features at the moment, he isn’t sure how he feels right now, what his face shows. Ohno takes the hand Jun offers him and gets up. “Got you to stop.”, he says dryly. “That’s worth the pain.”
Jun doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t move either. Ohno’s eyes adapt to the darkness and he can see Jun’s face now. It’s even paler than before at Nino’s place and he sure is even skinnier than at the day of his break-down during their rehearsal. In his head Ohno counts down from 10. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4… „ I don’t like you doing something so bad to yourself, Jun.”, he finally manages to say. His voice sounds weird, soft and shaky and like a stranger’s to his own ears.
The silence is so thick between them that Ohno thinks he can cut the air with a knife. Jun’s answer is almost too calm. “I’m not doing anything.”
“Yes, you are. You are ruining your health.”
For a moment, Ohno is sure he can see something glittering in Jun’s eyes. Tears? No, impossible. Or… maybe. “Just, stop.” Ohno pleads.
“I can’t take it anymore.”, Jun says silently. “I just can’t.” Ohno can’t remember the last time that Jun cried in desperation, when he actually showed his emotions that openly. It feels crushing to see him like that, but at the same time he is glad that Jun lets it out for once. Ohno takes a step closer and wraps his arms around the other, clumsily, but he hopes Jun gets the feeling through it.
~~~
“When was the last time that you’ve eaten properly?”
Jun takes the usual place on the carpet in front of Ohno’s TV. He shrugs. “I don’t know. I forgot about it. My mind works differently than usual. Pretty pathetic, huh?”
“Are you sleeping?”, Ohno asks instead of giving an answer. “I mean at night. Are you resting?”
Jun shrugs.
“F*ck, Jun! That’s what I meant with doing something stupid.” Ohno scolds, seriously angry now. “I can’t believe you. You are a lot smarter than that!”
Jun leans back a bit, eyes eyeing the ceiling. With his left hand, he starts tugging at the fringe of the carpet, while his right hand rubs through his hair. He smiles a bit. “It’s been a while-”, he suddenly muses. “That someone scolded me like that.”
“Well deserved.”, Ohno chuckles, before he leaves Jun alone for a while. There are a few leftovers in the fridge, curry and rice. It’s not really something he would normally offer to a guest, but this guy just needs something to eat. Being picky won’t do. When he turns back, Jun is still sitting at the same place in the same position.
He settles down next to him, putting the plate with curry in front of Jun. It should be green, Ohno thinks in annoyance, but it’s weirdly brown. Jun apparently doesn’t mind. He takes a spoon full of it without even grimacing. He seems to be so far away in his thoughts that even a horribly cooked curry won’t wake him up.
“Say-”, he suddenly starts talking to Ohno’s surprise.
“Hm?”
“Has someone ever hurt you?”
Ohno is not too sure what he is supposed to say. Has someone ever hurt him? Of course, everyone gets hurt occasionally and also hurts others, but he knows that Jun’s question digs deeper than that.
“I mean, purposely, with words and actions? To a point you think you can never feel confident about yourself anymore. Destroys it completely, your confidence and your ability to trust and love. Did someone ever do that to you?”
Ohno looks down at his fingernails, then he rubs his fingertips against each other. “Probably not like that.”, he answers silently.
“Shin is meeting someone else, right? You and Sho-kun saw him.” Ohno’s face grows pale at Jun’s revelation. He didn’t think that Jun would know it. Jun on the other hand takes his silence correctly. “Don’t worry.”, he smiles bitterly. “It’s not the first time. Pretty bad, huh?” It’s been forever that he has shown his anger so openly. “On one hand he fucks around, on the other hand he can’t even take it when I meet my friends. Keeps tabs on me, destroys my belongings, gets verbally abusive. And-“, he pauses here, a shocked look in his eyes, like he realized he has said too much.
“Jun, I don’t want you to-“ Ohno starts his sentence but doesn’t know how to end it. He just smiles sadly. I don’t want you to feel hurt. True, but cheesy. I don’t want you to feel guilty. Too plain. You can tell me everything. Don’t hold back. Also true, but even cheesier.
“It’s okay.”, Jun glances at him carefully like he knows that he is struggling for words right now. “You don’t need to say anything.”
“Here.” Ohno reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little key. He has already prepared it a while ago and waited for the right moment. He hardly doubts that Jun is going to open up any more to him and he is not finding any words at the moment, so why not go with something that shows him how important Jun is to him, instead of voicing it.
“A key?”
“Yes, Jun. It’s a key. To my door.” Ohno shows his friend a warm smile. “The door is always open for you. And if it’s not, you can just open it yourself. Always remember that.”
He can see how Jun swallows, his lips shivering a bit before he nods. Ohno could swear he sees something glittering in Jun’s eyes, but the latter turns his head away swiftly, hiding his face from Ohno like that and Ohno doesn’t want to force him to an emotional reaction.
It takes a while for the bitter atmosphere to get a bit relaxed again. They settle for another stupid horror movie. One Sho has forgotten at his place. Why? Ohno doesn’t know. It’s hard to read Sho’s motives anyway.
Jun stays overnight again, like it’s the most normal thing on earth. When he is asleep, Ohno throws a blanket over Jun’s body. He tries to be as careful as possible. Then he sits down on the floor right next to the sofa. His eyes keep watching Jun’s sleeping face and it almost happens automatically that he stretches out his hand and touches the furrows on Jun’s forehead. His fingertips stroke his hair slightly.
He is not sure if Jun feels what he is doing, if he will be woken up by it. He has been sleeping in a room with both Aiba and Nino for so long, guys who either talked or groaned in their sleep. He should be used to it by now. But when Ohno touches his forehead, his body tenses up for a very short moment before relaxing again.
He is so beautiful, Ohno thinks. Damn whoever tries to destroy that beauty. He is about to stand up and leave the room to let Jun sleep when Jun suddenly shifts under his blanket. “Don’t go.”, he mumbles. “Just stay here.”
~~~
It doesn’t surprise Ohno anymore when Jun drops by randomly. He has decided to give him all the time he needs.
“Baseball season is over.”, Jun sighs. “And we ran out of horror movies to watch.”
Ohno grins cheekily. “How high is the chance you’ll go fishing with me?” The look on Jun’s face is worth the question, because the latter pulls his eyebrows up in surprise, eyes widened in shock.
“Why should I?”
“It’s relaxing, you know.”
“You mean boring.”
Ohno laughs slightly. “Well, if you ever change your mind, tell me. Meanwhile-” He jumps up from the sofa and hurries to his working desk in the corner of the room. His laptop is right there, next to an orchid he hasn’t watered since forever. For now, he ignores it and grabs the computer instead. “Nino installed a game for me last time he was here. He said it’s the best he played in ages.”
“What’s it called?” Jun asks when Ohno returns and places the laptop in front of them.
He shrugs. “I’m bread, I think.”
Jun stares at him, the look in his eyes something between amusement and disbelief. “I’m bread? Is that the name? Seriously… you aren’t kidding me?”
“No, it’s true.”
“And Nino said it’s the best game he played in ages.”
“Yes.”
“Are you, in all seriousness, telling me that Nino plays a game that’s called I’m bread?
Ohno can almost feel how Jun’s gaze sticks to him as he switches on the game. “Wait a moment.”, he mumbles when the game starts and Ohno tries out the controls. “Are we actually the bread in this game!?”
“We are raw toast.”, Ohno frowns as he tries to move as a piece of toast over the kitchen table.
It takes them exactly 48 minutes and 32 seconds, going from various stages of amusement (Mission: Become toast?) to mere frustration, until they are completely exhausted. After one temper tantrum from Jun, one from Ohno in which he was hammering on his laptop’s keyboard like crazy, they give up.
“Nino’s an idiot.” Ohno grumbles. “He has totally trolled us.”
“Yes.”, Jun agrees with a small smile on his lips. “But now I feel like eating toast.”
Ohno doesn’t have toast at home, but he has ramen. Gladly, Jun seems to be happy with that too, he even cuts some additional vegetables and puts them into it. While Ohno eats his ramen, he spills half of it on his mahogany table. Jun’s expression is something between amusement and annoyance. He likes things neat. Still, this look is a lot better than the tired look he had during the last couple of weeks.
~~~
He found Jun at the farthest place of the recording studio. He is leaning against one of the huge glass windows, staring into the rain. “I like rain.”, he muses when Ohno approaches him. “It makes me feel calm.”
Ohno joins him, though he can’t understand what exactly it is about the rain that makes Jun feel calm, because right now, thick raindrops are hammering against the window while thunder lightens the sky.
It’s an up and down with Jun at the moment. He is by far not that moody anymore and he hasn’t jumped at Sho either, which is always a good sign. But sometimes he gets unusually quiet, like he is crawling into a shell. His eyes seem to be pinned to the distance then, weirdly clouded. He is the farthest away from the original Jun then.
“Jun, forgive me for asking the next question.”
The glance Jun throws at him is something between surprised, a bit curious and a bit scared. He starts tapping the fingers of his right hand against the glass while his left hand plays with his bracelet. “Just ask it already.”, he finally says.
“Is he violent?” Ohno asks, surprised at his own direct approach. “Is Shin-kun violent?”
Jun takes too long to answer. “It gets rough sometimes.”
“Like it did with your hand?”
“He pushed me against the mirror. And against the wall.”
Ohno swallows hard at that revelation. One part of him is surprised that Jun answers so openly, the other part knows that his friend is probably feeling really tired of all the hiding and lies. He recalls Jun’s increased usage of make-up, which decreased by now. “Something else I should know?”
“Probably a bit more. It’s-” Jun pauses, obviously searching for words, before he finally continues. “I can’t. Not now.”
Ohno nods. “Of course.”
“He wasn’t always like that.”, Jun explains, like he is the one who needs to apologize. “It was different before. He was nice and caring and he helped me through all the difficult times. You know, after our debut, when we struggled. Also when we were kids, he was always there.”
“Hm.”
“He has lost his job. And started drinking.”, Jun continues. “That’s how it began.”
Ohno knows that Jun is a strong guy, who probably would fight such a situation. But still he is surprised by how unconvinced Jun himself sounds at the moment when he is talking about Shin’s good sides. He really is tired of making excuses. That’s his chance: “You don’t owe him, Jun.” Ohno can hear how his voice is shaking slightly and how he is almost too silent, but he is sure that Jun heard him because his lips quiver slightly.
“Hm.”, he makes and Ohno isn’t sure if the message really reached him or not.
“You don’t owe him.”, he repeats once more, because he wants him to understand and accept it. He reaches out to touch his arm, squeezing it lightly. “You know that!”
Jun tilts his head to the left, his hair falling into his forehead and almost covering his eyes. “I need to think about that.” He finally turns his head back to Ohno and looks at him directly. “Give me a moment, please. Or maybe two.”
Ohno nods. He squeezes Jun’s arm once more, then he retreats to give him the air and room he needs. Meanwhile he distracts himself by playing chess with Aiba. The latter is surprisingly good at it. Even Sho loses against him.
When an hour passes and Jun is still not back, Ohno begins to feel worried. It’s the same old feeling whenever he doesn’t know what exactly is going on inside Jun’s mind, what he is up to. Hopefully nothing stupid.
It’s this last thought that makes him go and look for Jun, but he doesn’t find him in front of the huge window. Apparently, he left. For a while, Ohno keeps wondering, going through every option he can think of. The building is huge after all and he doesn’t want to waste too much time by aimlessly searching. When it dawns on him where Jun could be, he sighs deeply. “I can’t believe this idiot.”
He doesn’t waste any time as he hurries back to the others, only to grab his umbrella. “I’ll be back in a minute.”, he tells them and leaves, before any of them can ask questions.
Jun’s sitting outside, on one of the park benches of the private garden of the studio. His clothes are soaking wet, his dark hair sticking to his head.
“I like it when the sight in front of me gets blurred.” Jun stretches out his hand and dives through the thick raindrops. “It narrows down my sight and makes me focus on what I can see.”
Ohno opens his umbrella and holds it above Jun’s head. “And what do you see?”, he finally asks.
There is a slight chuckle escaping Jun’s mouth. “At the moment? You and your red umbrella.”
Something in Ohno’s stomach feels all fuzzy and warm all of a sudden. “Hm. That’s pretty obvious”, he says, while actually, it is not.
“I’ll be okay, Satoshi.” Jun finally says. Hearing his name coming out from Jun’s mouth, without any suffix or honorific or an actual short form, sounds weird and pleasant at the same time. “Don’t worry too much.”
Ohno chuckles softly. “That’s easier said than done.”
“I’ve worried you a lot during the last weeks.”, Jun continues, surprisingly calm and composed. “And I’m truly sorry for that. But I think, even though I said something else previously, I’m strong enough.”
~~~
When Jun drops by that evening, Ohno knows immediately what happened by the look in his face. Jun doesn’t say anything, nor does he cry. There is not even the hint of tears in his eyes. He is only wearing his black jeans and a grey shirt beneath his jacket, everything else was left behind.
He sleeps on Ohno’s couch that night, and also the next three nights. It’s Sho who goes and picks up Jun’s belongings, because Ohno knows he can’t. He isn’t sure what he would do when he meets this guy. Despite his little tantrums, Sho is much more controlled in his emotions.
It’s only one week later when Jun has gotten all his stuff back from Shin-kun. He has changed his phone number, email address and even moved out of his own apartment. Just to be safe, he said. But Ohno knows the true reason is that probably there are too many sad memories attached to his apartment. He wants to start anew.
Jun is still quieter and more tired than usual, but then, nothing changes over night. Ohno knows that.
Sometimes he finds Jun staring out in the rain. It’s these moments that Jun seems a bit fragile. But even then, Ohno can see how the shards that originally broke down from Jun are slowly finding their place again. Every day, Jun becomes more like the old Jun. Still, some things remain different. If something like that happens to you, you just can’t be the old you anymore.
But also, the new Jun is likeable. Aiba, Sho and Nino think so too, because they adapt to this little change immediately, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Say, Jun-“ Ohno grins a bit. “About your weird fascination with rain. You think you could do something about that?”
Jun blinks. “Like what?”
“Snow.”, Sho muses when Ohno doesn’t answer immediately. “Snow is similar to rain, but less work, nicer. More calming.”
“Yeah.”, Ohno nods. “Or, you know, sun for example. Sun is nice too and relaxing!”
“I’ll think about it.”, Jun answers surprisingly earnest. But there is a certain teasing glance in his eyes which makes him finally look alive again. “After all, I still owe you a boring fishing trip.”
~~~
It’s months later that everything went back to normal. Or as normal as it can become. “Here.” In Jun hands, there is the key Ohno once gave him. “Thanks for everything. You are a true friend. I can never, ever, pay you back.”
“Nah, keep it. And stop thanking me all the time. Feels weird.” Ohno smiles. “My door is still open for you, you know. And if not-“
“I can open it myself?”
Jun laughs a bit. It’s an honest and true laugh and it makes Ohno feel warm and happy inside. For the moment, that’s all he needs. Everything else he’ll figure out soon enough.
***
Note 1: I'm bread exists! And you really are playing as a piece of toast :-)
Note 2: Writing this drained me. It was so difficult. I hope I managed it to somewhat stay in character!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-01-31 06:28 pm (UTC)I love how patient you made Ohno be...how he was the first person to notice that something's off and helped Jun along the way.
AHHH actually, I just love you for writing this! Thank you so much!
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Date: 2015-02-02 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-01 07:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-02 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-02 06:05 pm (UTC)“My door is still open for you, you know. And if not-“
“I can open it myself?”
>>>yes Jun, you're welcome to open it hehe (XD so subtle oh-chan...)
Thank you for sharing, I love anyone who wrote juntoshi so I love you <3
no subject
Date: 2015-02-10 01:28 pm (UTC)♥
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Date: 2015-02-15 04:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-21 09:33 pm (UTC)How are you doing? (February has been so busy here O_o)
no subject
Date: 2015-03-03 12:30 am (UTC)This fic is cute and comforting.
Thanks Ohno-kun for helping Jun! It was so sweet!
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Date: 2015-03-21 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 08:48 am (UTC)I'm so touched and really like it ^^
Subtle watch over Satoshi
It's somehow heartwarming story
Thank you for this ^^
no subject
Date: 2015-05-12 02:49 pm (UTC)Juntoshi grows on me more and more ♥
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Date: 2015-05-27 02:12 pm (UTC)I read this fic two months ago… But I still remember the pain I felt with all the suffering Jun-kun went through… u.u Glad Riida was there to help him and make Jun-kun’s heart (and mine) warmer! ^.^
Thanks for sharing your work and for writing Juntoshi! ^.^
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Date: 2015-05-28 08:38 am (UTC)I know, this was pretty heavy. It was so difficult to write. Riida is a true hero :-)
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Date: 2015-06-30 09:06 pm (UTC)On the other hand I can imagine Ohno being like that. If he really likes someone, he'll care about him. <3
I totally loved the mood of the story, and the slow steps from everything is dark to Jun comes out of it.
Thanks sooo much for sharing, I totally loved reading it <3
no subject
Date: 2015-07-01 07:26 am (UTC)Thanks so much for your lovely comment. I'm glad that you liked that one <3