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yume_to_ame2015-05-07 08:02 pm
lilly0) wrote in yume_to_ame2015-05-07 08:02 pm
Entry tags:
Destiny (Sakumoto)
Title: Destiny
Pairing/Group: Sakumoto (+ the rest of Arashi as non-pairings)
Rating: PG-13
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ivenclaire
Genre: romance, a bit hurt & comfort I guess
Summary: “I know that one day you’ll leave me.” Sho doesn’t know if this was a self-fulfilling prophecy and it happened because they kept saying and believing these words. Or if they just didn’t belong to each other. It wasn’t meant to be.
Sho and Jun have a long history together. And it's not always been a pleasant one.
Note: Basically my interpretation of over 10 years of Sakumoto up and downs :-)
“I know that one day you’ll leave me.”
Sho doesn’t know if this was a self-fulfilling prophecy and it happened because they kept saying and believing these words.
Or if they just didn’t belong to each other. It wasn’t meant to be.
~~~
As long as Sho remembers that it has always been Jun. He was the one who was always around him, the one looking up to him. It’s just natural that they’d spend more time with each other than with anyone else. Their group still needs time to blossom and the members need time to grow together. For the time being, it’s easier to get along with Jun than with the whole bunch.
It is a difficult time for Sho, with his family, and friends, and university, a time where everything and everyone seems to be against him. His whole existence is like a shadow, he feels numb and tired most of the time, so close to giving up on everything. Only Jun’s voice is able to pull him out of this lingering shadow, his presence is so soothing.
Sho likes Jun, he likes his calming presence, he likes the way he idolizes Sho and how he makes him feel needed, but at the same time it undeniably feels like he is using him to make himself feel better. Jun’s aura is like medicine to him. After each argument, after every stressful exam, nights full of studying and whenever he has a headache hunting him, he will search for Jun. Call for him. He is using him – maybe – isn’t he? But Sho shoves these doubtful thoughts aside. He doesn’t have the strength to think about such difficult things even if his conscience is nagging him.
It’s so easy to have Jun around that sometimes Sho forgets that Jun might have feelings too.
~~~
“You know,” Jun muses as they sit at Sho’s balcony, playing thumb wrestling like they always do – it’s their little thing. “I guess if I was a fruit, I’d be a pineapple. I look tougher than I am.”
Sho smirks as he catches Jun’s thumb. He feels relaxed. Not only because of Jun, but because things are looking better for him now, his life is slowly going on a path he likes. “If you are a pineapple, what does that make me then?”
“You are not sweet enough for a fruit,” Jun teases. “You are more on the vegetable side. How about artichoke? Pretty interesting and rare.”
Sho stops the game for a moment. “No one likes artichokes.” he intervenes.
There is silence between them for a moment, before Jun shrugs slightly, “I like them.” he says with a beautiful smile gracing his lips. His eyes are shining in a way like only Jun’s eyes can shine.
Jun looks so young at that moment, Sho thinks. Too young maybe, even though he has grown up a lot during the last year. It’s that moment that Sho feels like he is destroying Jun’s innocence. Like he is doing something really bad and shady, but he can’t stop himself from doing it.
For a moment Sho is searching for something in Jun’s eyes, something that tells him not to do it, something that would stop him, but Jun just looks at him openly. So Sho stretches out his hand, brushing a strand of Jun’s dark curls behind his ear. His hand feels shaky, like he is slowly losing control over his own nerves and mind.
Jun doesn’t push his hand away, he isn’t moving at all. He is only watching Sho. “Tell me to stop,” Sho says, while his fingers are trailing over Jun’s cheek and brush over his lips. “Tell me you don’t want to.”
Jun stays silent.
~~~
Sho can’t believe that it’s already summer. It’s so warm outside. His fingers are trailing lazily over Jun’s spine, while he stares out of the window absentmindedly.
“You’ll be leaving me, won’t you?” Jun mumbles into Sho’s pillow. For a moment, Sho stops in his movement. “Maybe not today, but soon you will.”
“Why are you saying that?” Sho wants to know.
“It’s just a feeling.” Jun says and he sounds almost too calm. Jun doesn’t say anymore but Sho can almost hear it between the lines. I wish you would have slept with me because you love me. He feels nervous all of a sudden, almost scared. He doesn’t ask any more questions, he is too afraid of Jun’s answers.
~~~
To Sho’s surprise Jun doesn’t touch the topic again. Not this day, not the next, not during the following three months. Instead, it feels like he is the old Jun again, the one whose presence is so soothing for Sho.
They hang out with each other regularly, and occasionally they have sex with each other, sometimes Jun hugs Sho, but it doesn’t happen too often. And most of the time, Jun pulls back soon afterwards like he is afraid that he has crossed a line.
“Help me with my solo song?” Jun asks at the end of the summer, when the leaves are slowly starting to turn yellow and red. “I’m stuck.”
Sho won’t deny that he loves it when Jun asks him for help. It makes him feel important and cherished like only Jun can make him feel. So he nods and sits down next to Jun on the huge red carpet right in the middle of the living room. The window is open and the paper Jun is writing his lyrics on is rustling slightly. It’s still warm outside and Jun is wearing a tank top. He is more trained now.
Sho leans against Jun and glances on the lyrics scribbled down on the paper. His senses are awake immediately. “This is good, Jun. I mean, seriously, very good.”
The smile that curls around Jun’s lips after these words is so beautiful and sparkling - Sho has never seen this smile before. It painfully shows Sho that he apparently has never seen Jun truly happy. “It’s an important song to me.” Jun explains, still smiling. “It’s about our group and-“ He doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead he repeats. “About our group.”
Sho knows there is more to it, but again he doesn’t dare to ask more, to dig deeper. He feels guilty and bad for it, but he can’t help it. It’s not only difficult for Jun, it’s also difficult for him.
~~~
It was getting colder day by day, so cold that Aiba decides they need to celebrate and party a bit to feel warm again. It’s supposed to be a fun and relaxing evening together. Sho hasn’t expected it to be the fateful night that changes everything.
It starts with Nino and Aiba getting drunk. Jun drinks too, but not much, he likes to keep the control over what he does. He sits together with Ohno and chats with him, his voice too far away from Sho for him to hear what they are talking. Sho doesn’t mind that much anyway; instead he shifts his attention towards Nino and Aiba.
Later Sho doesn’t know when it happened, but suddenly both Aiba and Nino are clinging to him, teasing him. Aiba’s body feels surprisingly warm, his breath tingling his neck and he is sure he can feel his lips on his face, while Nino tells them all kind of stupid, dirty jokes about how they should finally get a room.
Sho has to laugh at all of that and hugs both of them back. He is surprised himself at how openly and honestly he can laugh, by how relaxed and casual he can sound. It’s only a second later that he raises his gaze and meets Jun’s eyes. The look in Jun’s eyes is new, it’s something that Sho has never seen in them before. There are all kinds of emotions and questions that are reflecting in them, things Jun has apparently suppressed all these time. It dawns on Sho that he has just given away too much while he messed around with Aiba and Nino, that his behaviour and the way he laughed and smiled gave Jun too much insight into his true feelings.
Before Sho can even react, Jun looks away from him. His gaze is empty all of a sudden, while Ohno’s eyes are suddenly filled with worry. He looks to Jun first, then to Sho, and back to Jun.
~~~
Something broke this evening, Sho feels it immediately through the way Jun was looking sad and hurt all of a sudden, through the deep worry in Ohno’s eyes, like he was scared of what was going to happen.
For the time being nothing changes though. They are doing what they’ve been doing before, but the atmosphere has changed completely that even the others are slowly catching up. Gladly, they don’t know what is going on.
Sho himself isn’t so sure about it. He just knows that Jun is pulling back, that whenever he hugs him, Jun doesn’t truly hug him back. His kisses feel colder than before and whenever they get close to each other, he is looking almost pained.
~~~
It’s after a long, draining rehearsal that they are meeting up in Sho’s apartment. For a moment everything feels normal again, they even have dinner together and Jun is warm and smiley. They clean the dishes and when Sho sits down on the sofa, he is surprised that Jun isn’t following him immediately.
“Jun?”
It takes a while for Jun to come into the room too. He approaches the sofa, but doesn’t sit down, his eyes looking more earnest than ever before. “Sho-kun,” he starts. “Do you love me?” the question lingers in the room. Sho has never thought that Jun would ask him so directly. He has never expected him to find the courage and ask this question. Apparently, in this evening with their friends, it has finally dawned on Jun that something between them is undeniably missing.
Still, Sho is truly shocked by Jun’s earnest approach. He looks so mature all of a sudden. And he is even more shocked by how Jun has the strength to repeat his question. “You know, I love you. Don’t play me! Don’t just use me.” Jun says, his eyes are darker today, he looks angry. And: “Do you love me too?”
Sho doesn’t know what to say. Does he love Jun? He tries to think as deep about it as he can, turning each and every thought he has, but he doesn’t find an answer. So he sticks to the truth. “I don’t quite know what love is.” And “I’m sorry.” he adds after a silent moment.
Something in Jun’s eyes breaks. Sho can see it so clearly that it almost takes his breath away. Sho himself has never felt that helpless and scared before. The look in Jun’s eyes is gone quickly and there is no trace left that Jun is hurt.
~~~
It’s one of the last Sunday evenings in autumn that Sho goes for a walk. This talk with Jun lies heavily on his mind. He repeats it over and over again, but no matter how he tries to get his confused feelings into an order, he still doesn’t know the answer to Jun’s questions. Does he love Jun?
Don’t play me.
Sho feels sick all of a sudden. He has never meant to do something like that. To actually deliberately hurt Jun. He hopes that Jun knows that, that he knows that for Sho, he has always been special, even though he isn’t sure about his feelings.
When Sho comes home, Jun is sitting on his bag, waiting for him. It surprises Sho a bit, but on the other hand he has expected it. “So, you are leaving?” he asks.
Jun shrugs and touches his head, like he has an awful headache. “It’s like pineapples and artichokes,” he suddenly says with a tired smile. “We just don’t fit together.”
When Jun leaves, Sho doesn’t stop him.
~~~
The next two weeks Jun is sick. Or at least that’s what he tells their management. When he returns to the rehearsals, he looks pale but at the same time surprisingly composed.
“How are you, Jun? I was really worried!” Aiba’s eyes are shining warmly when he sits down next to their youngest member.
“Yeah,” Nino agrees. “You didn’t even want us to visit you. I was pretty scared too, you know.”
“Sorry for worrying you guys. I had a pretty bad infection.” Sho is surprised by how calm Jun looks and by how straight he keeps his face while lying like that. “It’s fine now. Feeling all better!”
“Is that true?” Ohno asks and there is a deep frown on his forehead. Jun looks away from him, lips quivering slightly, but he recovers fast and sends Ohno a reassuring nod.
Sho can only guess how much Ohno knows. It hasn’t slipped his mind that Ohno was truly upset with him during the last weeks. He was hardly talking to Sho and he is still hardly talking to him now.
~~~
When Jun sings La Familia for the first time, Sho recognizes the song immediately. It was the one Jun asked him for help with. Jun changed a few things though, but still...
He is surprised by how deep and honest the song sounds. And even though Jun doesn’t even look at him or say anything to him, Sho knows that it’s a secret goodbye to him.
When Sho approaches him after one of their concerts, Jun looks at him with a strong look in his eyes. “Don’t worry about me.” he says politely but with insistence in his voice. “You don’t need to worry about me anymore.”
“Jun-“ Sho feels tired all of a sudden. “I never meant to, I mean, I never wanted to-“
“I know.” Jun interrupts him and frowns, his eyes are dark again. He looks a bit angry which is normally pretty unusual when he talks to Sho. “But it happened and I need some time.”
Sho wants to tell Jun how important he was and still is to him, how much he always needed his presence, all the things he meant to him, but in the end he can do nothing but to give in to Jun’s wish.
It’s one of the last words they exchange in private for almost two years.
~~~
The change in their relationship doesn’t get unnoticed by the others. Naturally. They were pretty close until now after all.
Their friends react completely different to it. Aiba shows his curiosity openly and asks them directly. But Sho has always been a good talker and manages to avoid an answer. And also Jun doesn’t give an answer to Aiba’s questions. Other than Sho, he simply stays silent and smiles helplessly sometimes.
Nino keeps watching them. Here and there, he talks to Sho and Jun separately, but never touches on any sore topic. Sho can feel that he is worried for the band, for their future and also for their friends. He tries to calm the tension as best as he can.
Ohno is actually the only one who is clearly pissed. Sho recalls the evening when they were out together. He is pretty sure that Ohno finally understood their relationship then and knew that there was more going on between them than only friendship. At the same time, he has pretty much seen and understood how it all broke together. Only once has he huffed at Sho something like “Don’t talk to me.” Other than that he doesn’t say anything directly but Sho can feel it almost too clearly that he blames Sho for it. And although it’s not a good feeling, Sho is almost relieved that finally, someone is openly mad at him for all the crazy mess he has produced.
~~~
“Truth or dare.” Nino calls out.
“Oh, come on.” Jun grins. “How old are you? Ten?”
“Too grown up, Jun?” Nino teases. “Or are you just afraid?”
“Idiot.” Jun’s grin grows. And “Fine,” he gives in.
“Yeah!” Aiba laughs and waves towards Ohno and Sho.
Sho feels so surprised that he can’t even hide his shock. “We have to participate too?” When Aiba answers with an “of course” Sho is sure that he can see a small smile on Jun’s lips. It’s the first reaction since a long time that is directed at Sho.
When they have all settled down on Ohno’s living room floor, Aiba spins the bottle. It points at Nino. “Who is the hottest in Arashi?”
Nino chuckles. “Other than myself?”
“Myself is not allowed as an answer.” Aiba argues.
“Fine.” Nino pauses and shrugs. “Jun, I guess. You others are… okay too.”
Ohno grins slightly. “Thank you for considering all our feelings.” he jokes.
“Well,” Nino grabs the bottle and spins it. “It’s called truth or dare and not consider everyone’s feelings or dare.” The bottle points at Jun.
“Who was your first kiss? And how old were you?” Nino wants to know.
“17.” Jun’s eyes are suddenly glinting dangerously and there is an inscrutable expression in them. “Sho-kun.” he answers.
Sho himself is the one who looks the most shocked even though he knows that it is true. He was basically Jun’s first in a lot of different areas. Still- “Just kidding,” Jun laughs. “You should have seen your faces!” Aiba and Nino join his laugh, not without throwing some teasing comments at him. Sho himself feels how the tension is slowly leaving his body again, his hands shivering slightly. And Ohno throws a reproachful glance at Jun and rolls his eyes. But Jun only sends him a smirk.
With the progressing time, the questions get more stupid. At one point it’s Jun’s turn again. “Dare.” he says. Apparently, he has had it with the ‘truth’ part.
“Kiss Sho-chan.” Aiba demands.
“What!?”
“You are not allowed to drink anymore.” Nino scolds Aiba into the silence that is lingering around them now. Nino has always been fast with his reactions.
“Come on, Jun.” Aiba calls out. He has really had too much of Ohno’s liqueur. “You have to do it now.”
“Fine.” Jun sighs, not only to Sho’s surprise, but also to Ohno’s. He crawls towards Sho and bends forward a bit. Before Sho can even react, he feels Jun’s lips against his.
Jun’s kiss is so freezing cold that Sho feels like he is about to catch a cold. Jun’s eyes are open. This is the coldest and most heartless kiss Sho has ever received. He knows that it’s Jun’s little revenge for what happened.
After Jun has pulled back again, Aiba and Nino grin. They exchange a mischievous glance, one that just screams mischief. And really, it’s the start of a kissing challenge.
Jun skips the next round and leaves for the bathroom. Apparently this has been a lot more difficult for him than he has shown. So Nino dares Aiba to kiss Ohno. Nino kisses Aiba. Sho kisses Ohno. And when Jun is back, he gets kissed by Nino. Then it’s Aiba and Nino.
The next kiss Jun has to share is with Ohno. Sho can see how he lets out a sigh of relief, when he crawls towards Ohno. He looks a lot more relaxed when kissing Ohno, almost relieved and happy.
It makes Sho’s stomach sting suddenly.
~~~
Jun adopts a dog. He isn’t even a pet-person, but to everyone’s surprise, he appears with a huge dog one day.
“That’s Rosi.” he introduces the huge Saint-Bernard dog. Aiba is the first to regather his composure. “She is cute.” he says diplomatically and carefully approaches the dog. Luckily, Rosi seems to have the nature and the temper of a stone, because she lies down on the floor with a grunt and lets Aiba pet her. For the rest of the rehearsal, she either sleeps or plays with Aiba and Jun.
“You know, Jun,” Ohno picks up the topic after a while. “Couldn’t it be a… you know… handier dog?”
“Well-“ there is an absent-minded smile on Jun’s face. He brushes through his black curls while watching the dog. “It wasn’t exactly planned. But her owners wanted to literally throw her away… So I decided to take her.”
~~~
“You know what?” Aiba throws his bag into a corner of the room and stretches a bit. “I can’t believe we are back from Asia.”
Jun smirks. “We still are in Asia. It’s Japan, you know.” he teases. He sounds a bit more sarcastic and his remarks are more biting now, but there is also a lot more warmth in them and he is a lot more caring. Like he has discovered and developed a whole new side to himself.
Sho is surprised too, because he doesn’t know this Jun. When they went their separate ways, Jun was visibly lost for a few months, then he changed. It was so sudden that it came as a surprise to them all. Whenever Nino would ask him anything about his sudden mature and confident self, Jun would just laugh loudly like Nino has said something incredibly funny.
The others soon adapt to it, they believe it’s because of Jun’s and Arashi’s growing popularity because of his drama appearances. They believe that all these things made him grow and helped him to turn into the Jun that he is now. The Jun who is confident, a bit snarky, eloquent, and suddenly so caring for the group and the members.
It seems like Sho is the only one who can’t get used to this new Jun. The more Jun changes, the bigger the distance gets.
~~~
“Did you already reach him?” Sho leans against the wall and taps against it with his shoe. He feels nervous. “He should have been here half an hour ago.”
“I know.” Ohno dials Jun’s number again. But it’s the voice mail again. “I’m going to call our manager.” he explains and leaves the room.
“No sign yet?” Nino asks when Ohno has left the room.
Sho shrugs. “No, we’ve been trying for twenty minutes already, but he doesn’t pick up his phone.” He doesn’t want to sound that worried, but he can’t help his voice shaking a bit.
Apparently, Nino caught it too, because he immediately reacts to it. “I’m sure he is fine.” he says with an unusual calm voice. “Maybe he is stuck in traffic.”
“Yes.” Aiba joins their conversation and exchanges a glance with Nino, something Sho can’t read. What is that look between them supposed to mean? “Or he forgot that we are supposed to meet?”
“Jun doesn’t forget rehearsals.” Sho says. The others stay quiet after that, it seems like they have run out of excuses and explanations. It’s so silent in the room that Sho is sure he can hear the others’ heartbeats. Padam. Padam. Padam. Pa-
Ohno comes back. “Don’t freak out now.” he says. These words alone make all three of them stare at him in panic. “He was in a minor car accident yesterday.” he continues.
“What!?” Sho blurts out.
“Nothing happened.” Ohno explains in his calm, composed way that makes all of them feel relaxed immediately. “The problem is-“ he seems to search for the right words. “It was snowing yesterday and he was in the cold for a long time. Apparently, he caught a very heavy cold from it and is having a high fever now. They sent a doctor to his place.”
Sho knows it’s probably a bad idea, a very bad idea, when he walks towards Jun’s place. The concierge recognizes him immediately and lets him pass. He hasn’t been here before. He and Jun have limited all their interactions to professional ones – work and when all of them met up. But Jun has never invited him to his place. Sho doesn’t even know since when he has been living here. He doesn’t know his new phone number either. One part of him is surprised by how mad Jun actually is and by how he consequently tries to break free from everything considering Sho. The other part undeniably feels hurt, because even before their messed up relationship, they were so close. He was even Jun’s personal tutor, damn it. Then there is the third, guilty feeling part in him that slowly realizes how hurt Jun truly was and maybe still is.
Jun has not locked the door to his apartment, which is good for Sho, but a bad sign in general. Jun is more careful usually.
When he finds Jun in his bedroom, he realizes that Ohno didn’t overdramatize the situation. There are tons of meds next to his bed while Jun himself is sleeping an uneasy sleep, his breath going unsteady.
Sho sits down at the edge of Jun’s bed, taking his warm hand into his. Jun opens his eyes a bit, but they are glazed and bit clouded. “Is it you?” he mumbles and Sho isn’t sure if he has really recognized him.
He takes a look at the meds and the recipes next to them. Then he bends forward a bit to lean his forehead against Jun’s. “Your head is too warm.” he says more to himself than to Jun.
Sho spends almost two hours in Jun’s apartment, trying to get his fever down, preparing tea, cooking some dry rice, forcing the meds down Jun’s throat. He even feeds Rosi and goes for a walk with her. Then he leaves silently before Jun wakes up for real and sees who is around him. He tells himself that he doesn’t want Jun to stress out anymore, but this stupid, nagging voice inside his head keeps yelling at him: coward, coward, coward. Shut up.
When he has left Jun’s apartment house, he angles for his phone and dials a number. “Riida, please come and look after Jun. He is in a really bad condition.”
Ohno takes a few minutes to recover. “I wanted to visit him together with Nino later anyway. We are still at the recording studio. I guess we can be there in one hour.” he explains and pauses. “Sho, were you at his place?”
“Yes.” he admits.
Ohno is silent for a moment, then he lets out a deep sigh. “You need to let go.” the older one says. His words make Sho freeze immediately.
“What?”
“You need to let go.” Ohno repeats. “Jun is letting go of you, he is trying hard, and you need to let him go. It’s not good for both of you.”
They have never really talked about it. Even though Ohno was so mad at first, he has never confronted Sho directly. The more Sho is surprised that he warms up the story now. “I didn’t want to hurt him.” he says silently. “I never meant to do that to him.”
“I know.”
“At that time, when it started, Jun was like medicine for me. I did use him, I guess. Even back then my conscience was already nagging me, but I kept ignoring it. I-“
“Sho,” Ohno interrupts him softly. “Let go.”
Sho is crying when he hangs up. He hasn’t cried in a long time, but he can’t help it.
~~~
He hears from Aiba that Ohno stayed at Jun’s place the whole night. “Oh-chan told me to stay away. He is scared that I might get the same infection.” he explains and sounds more than displeased. “I was the only one who didn’t visit him.”
“Your health is not too strong right now.” Sho tries to comfort him. “The same infection might send you to the hospital. You don’t need to feel guilty. Jun understands it for sure.”
“I know he does. Still…”
“I know.” Sho grabs his keys. “Let’s go for dinner. My treat.”
“Now that’s what I call a good idea.” Aiba grins, immediately in a good mood again and hurries after Sho.
They go for Sho’s favourite restaurant and get an extra room to be able to eat and talk, relaxed and calm, without people watching them. They talk about all kind of things and at one point, Aiba starts to talk about his ex-relationship openly. “What about you, Sho-chan?” he finally asks.
It’s then that Sho gathers his courage. “I had something going with Jun years ago. I messed up, I guess.” He is surprised himself that he was able to say it so openly. He doesn’t know if it’s the wine, his phone call with Ohno or if his emotions have been piled up so much that they need a valve now.
“Ah.” Aiba says in a matter-of-fact voice and pokes some peas with his chopsticks. “So that’s what’s happened between you.”
The good thing about Aiba is that he isn’t judging anyone. Never does. Even though Jun is one of his closest friends. His reaction brings Sho to the verge of tears again. Aiba’s eyes widen in shock. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks in panic.
“Not at all.” Sho smiles. “Thanks.” He is sure that Aiba doesn’t know what he thanked him for, but gladly, he doesn’t ask. “Say Masaki-“ Sho pauses. “Riida told me to let go. I just don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to do that.”
Aiba tilts his head and sighs deeply. “Believe me, if I knew how, life would be easier for me too.” For a while he chews on his rice before he looks at Sho thoughtfully. “Did you ever consider the idea of trying to become friends again? I mean, friends with Jun?”
Sho shakes his head.
“So, what did you say to Jun back then? Or later?”
Sho shrugs helplessly. “Nothing.” he answers honestly.
Aiba rolls his eyes. “You are an idiot, Sho. If I was Jun, I would be mad too.”
It’s silent between them for a moment. Sho sips at his red wine. Jun likes wine a lot, he knows that. “You think I can do it?”
“Do what?” Aiba wants to know.
“Convince him to become friends again.”
Aiba shrugs first. Apparently, he doesn’t want to say something along the lines of It might be too late. Instead, he settles for something more diplomatic. “You never know, unless you try.”
~~~
It’s three days later that Sho suddenly receives a message. Sender unknown. It only says Thank you. Nothing more, but somehow, Sho can’t help a smile when he saves Jun’s number. He doesn’t know how Jun found out that he was at his place or who told him about it, but if he has to take a guess, he’ll say it was Aiba.
~~~
Jun is dating. He has been dating different people throughout the last years, but it has never been so obvious to Sho before. Sometimes, his clothes are carrying the perfume from different people. And it even happened that he came to rehearsals with exactly the same clothes on as the day before.
Sometimes he and Nino are sticking their heads together, talking about something and apparently exchanging their secrets.
Jun laughs more often now.
~~~
It’s after a long and hot summer that Jun brings some exotic fruits and vegetables along. It was a present from the drama producers, he explains. And generous as he is, he gives some of them to each of them.
Sho is surprised when Jun hands him a basket too. “I hope you like them.” Jun says politely. He sounds rather stiff, but he looks into his eyes directly. Sho can’t see any teasing or anger in them. Let go.
“Thanks.” he says and smiles.
He meets with Aiba later on and prepares some fruit salad with him. When he takes a look into Aiba’s basket, he can see pineapples there. There is nothing like that in Sho’s. Oh Jun. Always so stubborn. It’s so grotesque that Sho can’t help a grin. Such a sarcastic tease.
“Do you mind if I use one of your pineapples?” he asks Aiba.
“Didn’t you get one?”, Aiba asks in surprise. “I thought I saw one in every basket. But sure, take it.” He bends forward a bit, his eyes widening slightly. “Yuk. You got artichokes. I hate them.” He grins. “Jun has to be really pissed at you. I didn’t see anything like that in Nino’s and Ohno’s presents.”
Sho lets go of his kitchen knife and looks into his basket in surprise. Artichokes?
A huge smile appears on his lips. Aiba apparently doesn’t even dare to question his sudden change in mood. He cooks the artichokes this evening, much to Aiba’s annoyance, and eats them together with pineapple fruit salad.
Pineapple and artichokes taste fine together, he thinks.
~~~
There is this point between Jun’s shoulder blades and the beginning of his waist with a little mole almost marking it. Jun tends to rub his fingers over it unconsciously when he is thinking deeply over something that’s worrying him.
“It’s so hot.” Nino complains and wraps his shirt around his head. “I can’t believe the air conditioner broke down. What a timing.”
“Let’s make the best out of it.” Jun suggests.
Nino eyes him sceptically. “And do what?”
“We could talk about the tracklist?” Jun says.
Sho nods. “Now that’s an idea.” he agrees. He is surprised how normal it feels to sit down next to Jun. And he is even more surprised that Jun doesn’t move away from his place, he just keeps sitting there.
“Which solo song will you perform?” Jun asks him directly. Sho can see how Nino pulls one of his eyebrows up, but gladly, he doesn’t say anything.
~~~
Sho is surprised at how much Jun has practised. He is so self-confident on stage that he is truly admiring him for it. Sho watches him practising his dance steps, his beautiful body moving smoothly.
“He is so good.” he tells Ohno.
“Yeah.” Ohno grins. “Second best, right after myself.”
Sho laughs. “I think he is better than you.” he teases. “He looks hotter.”
“Now that’s a completely different issue then.” Ohno agrees light-heartedly and chuckles. “I like watching him dance too.”
Jun interrupts his practice and looks at his friends sceptically. “What are you talking about?” he wants to know. “It feels like I’m in school again.”
“Don’t worry.” Nino calls out bluntly, a bright grin on his face. “They were just talking about how hot you are.”
“Oh.” Jun turns his head away, like he doesn’t care, but Sho can clearly see that he blushes slightly.
~~~
They are celebrating Sho’s birthday together. The atmosphere is all good and relaxed, it gets even better when Aiba finds a box with old photos in Sho’s apartment.
“Look at that, Jun.” he waves towards his friend. “Old photos. Look how ugly I was!” he laughs.
“You weren’t ugly.” Jun says immediately and settles down next to Aiba.
The others come closer too, curiously watching what Jun and Aiba are looking at. Only Sho stays behind. There are too many memories in this box for him to watch them with the others around.
“I didn’t know that Sho was at your High School graduation, Jun.” Ohno sounds surprised, when he angles for a photo of a very young Jun, proudly presenting his graduation certificate, Sho next to him, looking equally proud.
“He was tutoring me back then. I wouldn’t have finished school without him.” Jun explains calmly.
Sho is surprised that Jun still remembers. He can’t deny the happy feeling spreading inside him.
Aiba digs his way through the photos and grins impishly. “I think Sho-chan was stalking you back then, Jun.” he jokes. “There are more photos of you than of any of us.
Ohno and Nino crack up at that. It’s the first time ever that they laugh at something that concerns Jun’s and Sho’s messed up relationship. However, it’s also the first time that Sho feels he doesn’t want to take the teasing silently. “You know,” he teases back. “That’s only because I enjoyed his presence way more than any of you three idiots.”
The others start to complain immediately. They don’t see the surprised and doubting look in Jun’s eyes.
~~~
They meet coincidentally. Sho just wanted to pick up some coffee and cake and is just as surprised as Jun to meet him at the café.
“Hi.” he says warily and wonders how awkward it can possibly be between two persons.
“Hi.” Jun answers and looks just as wary and nervous as Sho. “Wanna sit down for a while?” he asks after moments of silence. It’s probably only a question asked out of politeness.
When Sho nods and sits down, he realizes that this is the first time since almost 8 years that they are all alone somewhere. He sighs. “Wow, this is awkward.”
His blunt statement somehow breaks the ice, because Jun smiles slightly. “Tell me about it. I’m here too, you know.”
“Meeting someone?” Sho asks, mainly to make some smalltalk.
“Hm. Shun. He is getting married soon and wants my help on his wedding clothes.”
Sho nods. Then there is silence around them again. It’s not a particular relaxing silence, it’s rather very uncomfortable. The typical silence between two people who share lots of memories but broke apart for years. Sho can’t even believe that it’s almost 8 years now that he was alone with Jun the last time, that they-
Let go.
Did you ever try to become friends?
Sho swallows deeply and gathers all his courage. Too late or not, it doesn’t help, he needs to finally say it. “Jun-“ he starts.
By the look in Jun’s eyes he knows immediately that the other has realized the change in his voice. “Don’t.” Jun says with an earnest voice.
Sho shakes his head. “I need you to know,” he explains. “All the things I couldn’t say back then. I guess I was a lot more unsure and less mature than I thought. I-“
“It’s over 7 years now, Sho-kun” Jun interrupts him again. Sho can see how he tries to stay composed but his voice is shaking slightly. He is angry for sure. “We need to leave it behind. Seriously.”
“Don’t you understand that it’s not working like that?” Sho intervenes. He sounds sharper than usual when he speaks with Jun. But to his surprise, it’s these last words, even though spoken rather forceful, that make Jun give in. When he shrugs, Sho continues. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know you think I used you and played you, but back then you were special to me.”
“You didn’t love me.” Jun says and his fingers are clenching around his cup of coffee. The knuckles under his skin are white, that’s how tight his grip is. He looks like he is holding back a lot more right now, and the only reason he isn’t saying anything or yelling at Sho is that there are people are around them. Watching them.
“Back then I didn’t understand love.” Sho explains. “I didn’t know what love is. I just knew that I liked to have you around.”
“You did use me, Sho-kun.” Jun says all of a sudden. He leans back in his seat and watches Sho’s expression piercingly.
“Maybe.” Sho answers honestly and Jun looks at him in surprise at this honest answer. “I didn’t understand I was. Besides it’s only partly true, because one part of me was truly affected by you. Back then, I didn’t know what was happening between us. I didn’t understand it. Hell, I didn’t even understand myself.” He pauses. “It was only you back then. Always you. I wish I had waited a bit longer, for me to grow up more and to sort my life, to become a better person. But I didn’t. And I can’t change it now.” He feels drained all of a sudden. “I’m still not sure if it was love back then, but you were special.” he repeats.
It feels weird to have said it out loud. Jun looks tired too and Sho wonders if he feels as empty as he does.
When he leaves the café, he feels a bit guilty. He is sure he has ruined Jun’s day with his talk. But when he has learned one thing, then that is there is no such thing as a right timing. And that waiting for the right moment has already cost him 7 years.
He hasn’t expected Jun to answer to anything he said. The more surprised he is when he suddenly receives a message one week later. You are such a jerk, Sho-kun, for saying all these things after so many years.
Sho nods slightly and puts his phone aside. He needs to think about how to answer. It’s a direct confrontation from Jun’s side and that’s more than he has hoped for.
~~~
“What is it now?” Ohno asks Jun and Sho directly when it’s only the three of them alone. He has sensed the tension between them immediately and is clearly worked up - and doesn’t even try to hide it.
“None of your business.” Jun huffs to their surprise. His nerves are a bit thinner than usual. He leaves the room and leaves Sho and Ohno behind.
“It’s my fault, I guess.” Sho explains. “I confronted him with everything.”
“Was it necessary?” Ohno wants to know. He doesn’t sound reproachful at all, it’s more like an honestly meant question.
“Yes.”
Ohno nods.
It’s only ten minutes later that Jun apologizes to Ohno for jumping at him. Ohno merely shrugs it off and grins. “Only if you go fishing with me.” he jokes.
“No, forget it.” Jun answers piercingly and jokes back. “You can stay mad at me instead.”
Ohno laughs even more.
Sho isn’t sure what else the both of them talked about but at the end of the day, he receives a message from Jun.
I wish it was easier to hate you.
Sho takes a deep breath before he types the next words. Give me a chance, Jun.
Jun’s answer comes faster than expected. Fine, I’ll try. It’s an apology from my side because for the last couple of years, I haven’t been too nice to you either.
Sho smiles.
~~~
Sho doesn’t tell Jun that he is going to watch his stage play. But he could swear that Jun’s eyes lingered a bit too long on the row he is sitting in.
The next day, Jun confronts him directly. “You are really bad at disguising yourself.” he teases.
“You really are obsessed with me, aren’t you?” Sho playfully fights back.
Jun merely chuckles. He is about to say something when a staff member suddenly calls for him. The others look at Sho in surprise. “What was that?” Nino asks, clearly taken aback by the previous banter. “I mean, since when-“ he pauses, apparently not wanting to rub salt into Sho’s wounds. “Watching the both of you is like watching a soap opera.” he grumbles instead.
“Who cares.” Aiba says dryly. “As long as they end up together, it’s alright.”
Sho isn’t sure, which one of them is looking more shocked at that announcement. “You have to be kidding me, Masaki?” Nino rasps out.
“Don’t worry, Nino.” Sho tries to shrug Aiba’s words away. “Jun would never agree to something like that.”
“Why not?”
Ohno and Sho exchange a glance, before Ohno takes a deep breath. “This group has already survived one friendship breaking apart. It might not survive if it happens again.”
“You think I’m stupid.” Aiba argues. “But I’m not. People change. It’s only you guys who can’t accept that. Not that I’m the problem, you are. You are standing in your own ways, so don’t use our group as an excuse for not cleaning up your mess. Damn.”
Before any of them can recover from Aiba’s unusual earnest words and say anything, Jun is back. “What’s the matter?” he asks curiously.
“Nothing.” Aiba says calmly. “We were just talking about how much we all changed.”
~~~
“Sometimes Aiba-chan gives me a headache.” Sho complains when he walks away from the rehearsals.
“Hm.” Ohno makes.
Sho throws him a surprised glance. “You agree with him?”
“To be honest, I don’t want to be the one cleaning up the mess again. Jun was a mess. You don’t even know how messed up he was.” Ohno says earnestly. “I don’t want to mend those broken pieces again. But there is one point that got me today.”
“What point?” Sho asks. What Ohno just told him about Jun did hurt him. He doesn’t want to get any more information from that time.
“You didn’t deny Aiba’s words.” Ohno grabs Sho’s arm and stops him from walking. “You said Jun wouldn’t want it. But nothing about yourself.”
For a moment, Sho doesn’t know what to say. Did he really not react to Aiba’s words properly? What’s going on in his mind? “I-“ he wants to diffuse Ohno’s worries but he doesn’t know how. He is at a loss for words at the moment. What is going on with him?
“Sho, do you love Jun?” Ohno interrupts his trail of thoughts. Sho grows pale, his whole body feels numb all of a sudden. “Just be very sure about what you do.” Ohno says with a clear warning in his voice.
~~~
Are you playing hide & seek?
Sho blinks in surprise when Jun’s message pops up on his phone. What do you mean?
You know exactly what I mean.
Sho finds it interesting that Jun is never using emoticons when he is sending emails or messages to him. It makes it difficult for him to read Jun’s emotions then and his real intentions. But at the same time, it makes himself react way more directly than before. Are you upset?
Not yet. But if you want this friendship thing to work, then stop hiding things from me. I swear if you ever play me again, I’ll kick your butt.
Sho grins slightly. When did you become so difficult to handle?
The next answer takes a bit longer to come. Well, it all started with a jerk playing with my feelings.
Sho knows that he shouldn’t laugh at this, but he can’t help it. He just has to grin brightly. You should have hit him then.
Again it takes a while for Jun to answer. When his message finally arrives, Sho opens it impatiently.
:-)
Sho feels happy all of a sudden. He gives himself a mental kick in the butt and dials Jun’s number. Jun answers the phone immediately, much to Sho’s surprise. “Well-“ Sho stutters. “Phoning is easier.” Or at least it should be.
“Hm.” Jun sounds not too convinced. “Depends on the person, I guess?”
It’s silent for a moment before Sho coughs nervously. “What are you doing right now?”
“Harry Potter marathon.”
“Are you kidding me!?”
“Not at all.” Jun’s voice sounds relaxed all of a sudden. He pauses for a few seconds before he adds. “Aiba is joining me. Do you wanna come too?”
Sho’s mind goes blank for a moment. He doesn’t even know how to react or what to say. “Are you sure?” he finally asks.
Jun’s answer is honest. “No, not at all. So what do you say?”
It’s the strangest invitation Sho has ever gotten, but he decides to go with the flow. “Yeah, sure.”
~~~
“What I don’t understand-“ Sho’s eyes are pinned to Jun’s huge TV-screen. “Why do they have a wizard school and no wizard kindergarten or primary school. I mean, it makes no sense at all! What if anyone of the humans finds out?”
“It’s a fantasy movie.” Aiba argues. “Stop questioning everything.”
“Yeah, but a completely illogical one.” Sho complains. “I mean, they basically lock a kid in a little storage room under the stairs. Isn’t that a criminal act?”
“You are obviously getting old for questioning all these things in fantasy movie.” Jun teases.
“I just have more life experience.”
Jun smiles slightly. “Yeah, sure.”
It’s later that night when Aiba has already fallen asleep two movies ago, that Jun’s head slowly sinks against Sho’s shoulder. Jun’s eyes are closed, he breathes steadily. Sho doesn’t even dare to move or breath. Instead, he takes a closer look at Jun. Damn, he is so pretty and his strong features look so young and soft when he is asleep. With shaking fingers, Sho brushes over Jun’s temples.
Jun moves slightly in his sleep and Sho pulls his hand back in shock. What the hell is he doing here?
~~~
“Rosi died.”
“Oh.” Ohno raises his head a bit and exchanges a surprised look with Sho. “I’m so sorry, Jun.”
“It’s okay.” Jun smiles it away, like he always does. “She was already pretty old when I got her. She had a good life.”
None of them touches the topic any more. It’s too obvious that Jun doesn’t want to talk about it. Later that day, Jun is suddenly gone. “He said he has to discuss something with the staff.” Nino explains when Sho asks him about it.
For the others, it might be believable, but Sho doesn’t buy it at all. When the others are preoccupied with their own stuff, he secretly leaves the room. It takes a while for him to find Jun. He is sitting at the window sill in an empty rehearsal room.
He doesn’t say anything when Sho closes the door behind him, only tilts his head slightly to see who it is that just came. Then he turns his head away again. Sho hugs him from behind, his chin resting on the top of Jun’s head, like he is 16 again. Jun doesn’t move or say anything, but Sho can feel teardrops dripping down on his hand.
It feels like just a moment, but apparently, they spent almost an hour like this. Jun moves a bit, his hand touching Sho’s arm that is still wrapped around Jun’s shoulders. “The others will wonder where we are.”, Jun says with a hoarse voice.
Sho shrugs. “So, let them.”
Jun lets his hand on Sho’s arm and nods slightly.
~~~
The others are late, or rather: Jun and Sho are too early. Nino has forgotten to tell them that their rehearsals were postponed for an hour. And since the both of them were already there, they decided to stay there and practice for themselves.
That was the plan. But somehow, they are suddenly sitting on the floor, their cups of coffee next to them, chatting with each other. It feels weird how casually they sit together. Thumb wrestling.
“Your hands are so big now.” Sho complains.
Jun grins. “You were always the type who couldn’t lose. You are just lacking skills.”
“My,” Sho smirks. “My Junior became so mouthy. He was so cute and shy once…”
Jun laughs. “Who are you calling Junior?”
Sho playfully tugs at Jun’s hand. To his own surprise, he apparently has used too much force because suddenly, Jun is pretty close to him. His face is only inches away from his. Sho’s heart skips a beat when he feels Jun’s breath against his neck.
“Sho-kun.” Jun sounds unsure and nervous all of a sudden. “This is bad. It has catastrophe written all over it, in every possible language.”
Sho doesn’t answer. He silently agrees. But still none of them has the nerve to move away. Instead, their fingers suddenly seem to be intertwined with each other while they keep staring into each other’s eyes.
Later Sho doesn’t know who it is that took the first step. He is sure that Jun has suddenly tilted his head into his direction and then… he doesn’t know anymore. But he can feel Jun’s lips against his all of a sudden. It’s a careful and tender kiss and the butterflies in his stomach seem to be on a rollercoaster drive. He is sure that he has never been kissed like that before. His fingers very slowly move over Jun’s cheek, wander over his neck and brush through his hair.
When they move apart again, Jun’s cheeks are slightly flushed, eyes gleaming a bit. “Catastrophe.” he mumbles silently.
“Probably.” Sho agrees but doesn’t let go of Jun’s hand.
~~~
After this day Jun suddenly pulls back from him again. Sho can’t blame him. It’s the same story all over again after all. He can’t really blame him for having doubts and for his lack of faith in him.
Sho doesn’t know who to ask for advice. Ohno? He has already grown too much grey hair because of their messed up relationship. Aiba? He would be too much into this whole thing. So Sho decides to go for the last option.
“I hope you have a good excuse for interrupting my free Sunday afternoon.” Nino complains when he opens the door. He is only wearing a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. “I’m playing Far Cry, you know?”
Sho doesn’t know at all because he has no idea what Far Cry is. “Some sort of videogame?” he asks politely.
Nino grumbles at that, but lets Sho into his apartment nevertheless. “I hope it’s important.”
“Jun and I kissed.” Sho comes right to the point. The expression on Nino’s face is worth it, he thinks, because Nino’s jaw drops down and his eyes widen.
“I need a drink.” he rasps out. When he comes back, he carries a tablet with two glass of whisky and a bottle of the beverage itself.
“That much?” Sho asks.
“Yes.” Nino takes a deep sip from his glass before he sits down at the other side of the table. “Why are you telling me and not one of the others?”
“I’m not sure. But Riida and Aiba are too much on one or the other side. You are the only one who has never said something about this whole story.” Sho explains and twists the glass between his fingers. The tips of his fingers feel ice-cold. “I want to know your opinion. On everything.”
“You want to know what I think about this whole story. From the beginning on?”
Sho shrugs.
“Fine.” Nino says. “I think it was horrible how much of a mess Jun was and I never want to see that happen again. But it was also horrible to see you at that time. You might not know it, but you were pretty messed up too. I guess that was the reason why you even started this thing with Jun back then.” He pauses. “I wish we were closer as a group back then, then you could have talked to one of us about your problems and not use Jun in a way that overstrained the both of you. That’s why I never said anything or sided with anyone. We all saw that something was off, but none of us dared to ask you directly. Except for Jun.”
“I knew he liked me.” Sho admits silently. “I knew he had feelings for me. Still, I could only think about myself.”
“You were a kid yourself, Sho.” Nino interrupts him. “Stop blaming yourself for that story. None of us blames you anymore, not even Jun. What’s more important is what’s happening now. How do you want to move forward when you can’t leave the past behind?” Nino lets out a deep sigh and takes another sip from his glass. “So, what happened?”
“We were just talking and then-“ Sho shrugs. “I don’t even know. Suddenly we kissed.”
“And?”
“Jun backed off.”
“Ah, of course he did.” Nino nods and empties the rest of his glass in one sip. When he wants to reach out for the bottle, Sho snatches it away.
“I need you to stay sober.” Sho explains.
“You have always been an ass.” Nino complains. Sho grins slightly but doesn’t let go of the whisky bottle. “What do you want, Sho-kun?”
“Hm?”
“What do you want? Try to get Jun out of your mind for a moment and think about what you want.”
“I know what I want.” Sho says calmly.
“Awesome.” Nino grins and angles for the bottle. “Then I can continue drinking. Oh- and please, when you plan on telling Riida, tell me. I swear, I want to see it!”
Sho grins and takes a sip from his whisky too. It burns a bit in his throat. “I’ll never tell him.” He looks at his friend insistently. “Do you think Jun likes me?”
“I’m not sure.” Nino looks at him warily, there is no lie in his eyes at all. “I can’t tell. Maybe. You have to take the risk without knowing.”
“Fair enough, I guess.”
They spend the rest of the evening playing videogames. Sho is glad for a little distraction. When it doesn’t work anymore and his thoughts start spinning again, he angles for his phone. How do you want to move forward, when you can’t leave the past behind?
“Fine.” Sho mumbles nervously. Go for it. All in. I love you.
~~~
Jun doesn’t answer to his message and Sho doesn’t dare to write him again or call him. He decides to give him some time. After all, he has learned to wait over the last couple of years.
The more he is surprised when he comes home from Nino’s place and finds Jun sitting at the corridor’s floor, leaning against the wall.
Sho’s throat feels dry all of a sudden.
“Were you drunk?” Jun asks and stands up.
Sho shakes his head and opens the door to let them both in.
“Did you really mean it?”
He closes the door behind them, his hands shaking slightly when he locks it. Then he turns around and leans against the door. “Yes.”
Jun licks his lips. There are so many things to read in his eyes that Sho doesn’t even know where to start. Then Jun suddenly takes a deep breath. “I’m going to do something I’d never normally do. And I apologize in advance.” he says.
“For what?” Sho wants to ask. But before he can do so, Jun has already cracked his palm across his face. Sho moves his fingers towards his cheek. The slap was hard enough for him to need some time to regather his composure.
Jun clenches his right hand. “That hurt.” he mumbles and kneels down on the floor. “Damn it, Sho-kun. Why are you telling me something like this now!? After so many years? I-“ he pauses. “Fuck you. Seriously.”
“I didn’t understand anything about feelings at that time.” Sho explains. “I didn’t know what love is or what it means to love someone. But I’m a hundred percent certain now.”
“I can’t take it a second time.” Jun explains. “I swear. If it doesn’t work out once more, I’ll-” Jun pauses, apparently caught in his thoughts. And Sho doesn’t know what to say, how to give Jun some reassurance.
“Say it.” Jun demands all of a sudden. “Say it to my face.”
Sho knows immediately what the other means. He sits down in front of Jun. “Give me your hands. And look at me.” He is glad that the other follows his instruction, eyes looking at him sceptically. He squeezes Jun’s hands slightly. “I love you, Jun.” he says without any hesitation.
Jun stays silent for a few seconds, his eyes don’t give away anything, only his lips are shivering slightly. “Sho-“ he says, without using any suffix. “I-. Damn it.”
Sho can feel how his eyes tear up in relief. He wraps his arms around Jun, glad that the other lets him. He can feel how Jun hugs him back, fingers tapping against his back warily at first before his grip gets tighter.
He is not sure yet how he will make this work. And he knows Jun is not full-heartedly into this yet. In a few hours, they might start discussing everything, trying to solve all the unanswered questions and regain their faith in each other. But for now, none of them says anything. This moment is perfect as it is.
Pairing/Group: Sakumoto (+ the rest of Arashi as non-pairings)
Rating: PG-13
Beta:
ivenclaireGenre: romance, a bit hurt & comfort I guess
Summary: “I know that one day you’ll leave me.” Sho doesn’t know if this was a self-fulfilling prophecy and it happened because they kept saying and believing these words. Or if they just didn’t belong to each other. It wasn’t meant to be.
Sho and Jun have a long history together. And it's not always been a pleasant one.
Note: Basically my interpretation of over 10 years of Sakumoto up and downs :-)
“I know that one day you’ll leave me.”
Sho doesn’t know if this was a self-fulfilling prophecy and it happened because they kept saying and believing these words.
Or if they just didn’t belong to each other. It wasn’t meant to be.
~~~
As long as Sho remembers that it has always been Jun. He was the one who was always around him, the one looking up to him. It’s just natural that they’d spend more time with each other than with anyone else. Their group still needs time to blossom and the members need time to grow together. For the time being, it’s easier to get along with Jun than with the whole bunch.
It is a difficult time for Sho, with his family, and friends, and university, a time where everything and everyone seems to be against him. His whole existence is like a shadow, he feels numb and tired most of the time, so close to giving up on everything. Only Jun’s voice is able to pull him out of this lingering shadow, his presence is so soothing.
Sho likes Jun, he likes his calming presence, he likes the way he idolizes Sho and how he makes him feel needed, but at the same time it undeniably feels like he is using him to make himself feel better. Jun’s aura is like medicine to him. After each argument, after every stressful exam, nights full of studying and whenever he has a headache hunting him, he will search for Jun. Call for him. He is using him – maybe – isn’t he? But Sho shoves these doubtful thoughts aside. He doesn’t have the strength to think about such difficult things even if his conscience is nagging him.
It’s so easy to have Jun around that sometimes Sho forgets that Jun might have feelings too.
~~~
“You know,” Jun muses as they sit at Sho’s balcony, playing thumb wrestling like they always do – it’s their little thing. “I guess if I was a fruit, I’d be a pineapple. I look tougher than I am.”
Sho smirks as he catches Jun’s thumb. He feels relaxed. Not only because of Jun, but because things are looking better for him now, his life is slowly going on a path he likes. “If you are a pineapple, what does that make me then?”
“You are not sweet enough for a fruit,” Jun teases. “You are more on the vegetable side. How about artichoke? Pretty interesting and rare.”
Sho stops the game for a moment. “No one likes artichokes.” he intervenes.
There is silence between them for a moment, before Jun shrugs slightly, “I like them.” he says with a beautiful smile gracing his lips. His eyes are shining in a way like only Jun’s eyes can shine.
Jun looks so young at that moment, Sho thinks. Too young maybe, even though he has grown up a lot during the last year. It’s that moment that Sho feels like he is destroying Jun’s innocence. Like he is doing something really bad and shady, but he can’t stop himself from doing it.
For a moment Sho is searching for something in Jun’s eyes, something that tells him not to do it, something that would stop him, but Jun just looks at him openly. So Sho stretches out his hand, brushing a strand of Jun’s dark curls behind his ear. His hand feels shaky, like he is slowly losing control over his own nerves and mind.
Jun doesn’t push his hand away, he isn’t moving at all. He is only watching Sho. “Tell me to stop,” Sho says, while his fingers are trailing over Jun’s cheek and brush over his lips. “Tell me you don’t want to.”
Jun stays silent.
~~~
Sho can’t believe that it’s already summer. It’s so warm outside. His fingers are trailing lazily over Jun’s spine, while he stares out of the window absentmindedly.
“You’ll be leaving me, won’t you?” Jun mumbles into Sho’s pillow. For a moment, Sho stops in his movement. “Maybe not today, but soon you will.”
“Why are you saying that?” Sho wants to know.
“It’s just a feeling.” Jun says and he sounds almost too calm. Jun doesn’t say anymore but Sho can almost hear it between the lines. I wish you would have slept with me because you love me. He feels nervous all of a sudden, almost scared. He doesn’t ask any more questions, he is too afraid of Jun’s answers.
~~~
To Sho’s surprise Jun doesn’t touch the topic again. Not this day, not the next, not during the following three months. Instead, it feels like he is the old Jun again, the one whose presence is so soothing for Sho.
They hang out with each other regularly, and occasionally they have sex with each other, sometimes Jun hugs Sho, but it doesn’t happen too often. And most of the time, Jun pulls back soon afterwards like he is afraid that he has crossed a line.
“Help me with my solo song?” Jun asks at the end of the summer, when the leaves are slowly starting to turn yellow and red. “I’m stuck.”
Sho won’t deny that he loves it when Jun asks him for help. It makes him feel important and cherished like only Jun can make him feel. So he nods and sits down next to Jun on the huge red carpet right in the middle of the living room. The window is open and the paper Jun is writing his lyrics on is rustling slightly. It’s still warm outside and Jun is wearing a tank top. He is more trained now.
Sho leans against Jun and glances on the lyrics scribbled down on the paper. His senses are awake immediately. “This is good, Jun. I mean, seriously, very good.”
The smile that curls around Jun’s lips after these words is so beautiful and sparkling - Sho has never seen this smile before. It painfully shows Sho that he apparently has never seen Jun truly happy. “It’s an important song to me.” Jun explains, still smiling. “It’s about our group and-“ He doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead he repeats. “About our group.”
Sho knows there is more to it, but again he doesn’t dare to ask more, to dig deeper. He feels guilty and bad for it, but he can’t help it. It’s not only difficult for Jun, it’s also difficult for him.
~~~
It was getting colder day by day, so cold that Aiba decides they need to celebrate and party a bit to feel warm again. It’s supposed to be a fun and relaxing evening together. Sho hasn’t expected it to be the fateful night that changes everything.
It starts with Nino and Aiba getting drunk. Jun drinks too, but not much, he likes to keep the control over what he does. He sits together with Ohno and chats with him, his voice too far away from Sho for him to hear what they are talking. Sho doesn’t mind that much anyway; instead he shifts his attention towards Nino and Aiba.
Later Sho doesn’t know when it happened, but suddenly both Aiba and Nino are clinging to him, teasing him. Aiba’s body feels surprisingly warm, his breath tingling his neck and he is sure he can feel his lips on his face, while Nino tells them all kind of stupid, dirty jokes about how they should finally get a room.
Sho has to laugh at all of that and hugs both of them back. He is surprised himself at how openly and honestly he can laugh, by how relaxed and casual he can sound. It’s only a second later that he raises his gaze and meets Jun’s eyes. The look in Jun’s eyes is new, it’s something that Sho has never seen in them before. There are all kinds of emotions and questions that are reflecting in them, things Jun has apparently suppressed all these time. It dawns on Sho that he has just given away too much while he messed around with Aiba and Nino, that his behaviour and the way he laughed and smiled gave Jun too much insight into his true feelings.
Before Sho can even react, Jun looks away from him. His gaze is empty all of a sudden, while Ohno’s eyes are suddenly filled with worry. He looks to Jun first, then to Sho, and back to Jun.
~~~
Something broke this evening, Sho feels it immediately through the way Jun was looking sad and hurt all of a sudden, through the deep worry in Ohno’s eyes, like he was scared of what was going to happen.
For the time being nothing changes though. They are doing what they’ve been doing before, but the atmosphere has changed completely that even the others are slowly catching up. Gladly, they don’t know what is going on.
Sho himself isn’t so sure about it. He just knows that Jun is pulling back, that whenever he hugs him, Jun doesn’t truly hug him back. His kisses feel colder than before and whenever they get close to each other, he is looking almost pained.
~~~
It’s after a long, draining rehearsal that they are meeting up in Sho’s apartment. For a moment everything feels normal again, they even have dinner together and Jun is warm and smiley. They clean the dishes and when Sho sits down on the sofa, he is surprised that Jun isn’t following him immediately.
“Jun?”
It takes a while for Jun to come into the room too. He approaches the sofa, but doesn’t sit down, his eyes looking more earnest than ever before. “Sho-kun,” he starts. “Do you love me?” the question lingers in the room. Sho has never thought that Jun would ask him so directly. He has never expected him to find the courage and ask this question. Apparently, in this evening with their friends, it has finally dawned on Jun that something between them is undeniably missing.
Still, Sho is truly shocked by Jun’s earnest approach. He looks so mature all of a sudden. And he is even more shocked by how Jun has the strength to repeat his question. “You know, I love you. Don’t play me! Don’t just use me.” Jun says, his eyes are darker today, he looks angry. And: “Do you love me too?”
Sho doesn’t know what to say. Does he love Jun? He tries to think as deep about it as he can, turning each and every thought he has, but he doesn’t find an answer. So he sticks to the truth. “I don’t quite know what love is.” And “I’m sorry.” he adds after a silent moment.
Something in Jun’s eyes breaks. Sho can see it so clearly that it almost takes his breath away. Sho himself has never felt that helpless and scared before. The look in Jun’s eyes is gone quickly and there is no trace left that Jun is hurt.
~~~
It’s one of the last Sunday evenings in autumn that Sho goes for a walk. This talk with Jun lies heavily on his mind. He repeats it over and over again, but no matter how he tries to get his confused feelings into an order, he still doesn’t know the answer to Jun’s questions. Does he love Jun?
Don’t play me.
Sho feels sick all of a sudden. He has never meant to do something like that. To actually deliberately hurt Jun. He hopes that Jun knows that, that he knows that for Sho, he has always been special, even though he isn’t sure about his feelings.
When Sho comes home, Jun is sitting on his bag, waiting for him. It surprises Sho a bit, but on the other hand he has expected it. “So, you are leaving?” he asks.
Jun shrugs and touches his head, like he has an awful headache. “It’s like pineapples and artichokes,” he suddenly says with a tired smile. “We just don’t fit together.”
When Jun leaves, Sho doesn’t stop him.
~~~
The next two weeks Jun is sick. Or at least that’s what he tells their management. When he returns to the rehearsals, he looks pale but at the same time surprisingly composed.
“How are you, Jun? I was really worried!” Aiba’s eyes are shining warmly when he sits down next to their youngest member.
“Yeah,” Nino agrees. “You didn’t even want us to visit you. I was pretty scared too, you know.”
“Sorry for worrying you guys. I had a pretty bad infection.” Sho is surprised by how calm Jun looks and by how straight he keeps his face while lying like that. “It’s fine now. Feeling all better!”
“Is that true?” Ohno asks and there is a deep frown on his forehead. Jun looks away from him, lips quivering slightly, but he recovers fast and sends Ohno a reassuring nod.
Sho can only guess how much Ohno knows. It hasn’t slipped his mind that Ohno was truly upset with him during the last weeks. He was hardly talking to Sho and he is still hardly talking to him now.
~~~
When Jun sings La Familia for the first time, Sho recognizes the song immediately. It was the one Jun asked him for help with. Jun changed a few things though, but still...
He is surprised by how deep and honest the song sounds. And even though Jun doesn’t even look at him or say anything to him, Sho knows that it’s a secret goodbye to him.
When Sho approaches him after one of their concerts, Jun looks at him with a strong look in his eyes. “Don’t worry about me.” he says politely but with insistence in his voice. “You don’t need to worry about me anymore.”
“Jun-“ Sho feels tired all of a sudden. “I never meant to, I mean, I never wanted to-“
“I know.” Jun interrupts him and frowns, his eyes are dark again. He looks a bit angry which is normally pretty unusual when he talks to Sho. “But it happened and I need some time.”
Sho wants to tell Jun how important he was and still is to him, how much he always needed his presence, all the things he meant to him, but in the end he can do nothing but to give in to Jun’s wish.
It’s one of the last words they exchange in private for almost two years.
~~~
The change in their relationship doesn’t get unnoticed by the others. Naturally. They were pretty close until now after all.
Their friends react completely different to it. Aiba shows his curiosity openly and asks them directly. But Sho has always been a good talker and manages to avoid an answer. And also Jun doesn’t give an answer to Aiba’s questions. Other than Sho, he simply stays silent and smiles helplessly sometimes.
Nino keeps watching them. Here and there, he talks to Sho and Jun separately, but never touches on any sore topic. Sho can feel that he is worried for the band, for their future and also for their friends. He tries to calm the tension as best as he can.
Ohno is actually the only one who is clearly pissed. Sho recalls the evening when they were out together. He is pretty sure that Ohno finally understood their relationship then and knew that there was more going on between them than only friendship. At the same time, he has pretty much seen and understood how it all broke together. Only once has he huffed at Sho something like “Don’t talk to me.” Other than that he doesn’t say anything directly but Sho can feel it almost too clearly that he blames Sho for it. And although it’s not a good feeling, Sho is almost relieved that finally, someone is openly mad at him for all the crazy mess he has produced.
~~~
“Truth or dare.” Nino calls out.
“Oh, come on.” Jun grins. “How old are you? Ten?”
“Too grown up, Jun?” Nino teases. “Or are you just afraid?”
“Idiot.” Jun’s grin grows. And “Fine,” he gives in.
“Yeah!” Aiba laughs and waves towards Ohno and Sho.
Sho feels so surprised that he can’t even hide his shock. “We have to participate too?” When Aiba answers with an “of course” Sho is sure that he can see a small smile on Jun’s lips. It’s the first reaction since a long time that is directed at Sho.
When they have all settled down on Ohno’s living room floor, Aiba spins the bottle. It points at Nino. “Who is the hottest in Arashi?”
Nino chuckles. “Other than myself?”
“Myself is not allowed as an answer.” Aiba argues.
“Fine.” Nino pauses and shrugs. “Jun, I guess. You others are… okay too.”
Ohno grins slightly. “Thank you for considering all our feelings.” he jokes.
“Well,” Nino grabs the bottle and spins it. “It’s called truth or dare and not consider everyone’s feelings or dare.” The bottle points at Jun.
“Who was your first kiss? And how old were you?” Nino wants to know.
“17.” Jun’s eyes are suddenly glinting dangerously and there is an inscrutable expression in them. “Sho-kun.” he answers.
Sho himself is the one who looks the most shocked even though he knows that it is true. He was basically Jun’s first in a lot of different areas. Still- “Just kidding,” Jun laughs. “You should have seen your faces!” Aiba and Nino join his laugh, not without throwing some teasing comments at him. Sho himself feels how the tension is slowly leaving his body again, his hands shivering slightly. And Ohno throws a reproachful glance at Jun and rolls his eyes. But Jun only sends him a smirk.
With the progressing time, the questions get more stupid. At one point it’s Jun’s turn again. “Dare.” he says. Apparently, he has had it with the ‘truth’ part.
“Kiss Sho-chan.” Aiba demands.
“What!?”
“You are not allowed to drink anymore.” Nino scolds Aiba into the silence that is lingering around them now. Nino has always been fast with his reactions.
“Come on, Jun.” Aiba calls out. He has really had too much of Ohno’s liqueur. “You have to do it now.”
“Fine.” Jun sighs, not only to Sho’s surprise, but also to Ohno’s. He crawls towards Sho and bends forward a bit. Before Sho can even react, he feels Jun’s lips against his.
Jun’s kiss is so freezing cold that Sho feels like he is about to catch a cold. Jun’s eyes are open. This is the coldest and most heartless kiss Sho has ever received. He knows that it’s Jun’s little revenge for what happened.
After Jun has pulled back again, Aiba and Nino grin. They exchange a mischievous glance, one that just screams mischief. And really, it’s the start of a kissing challenge.
Jun skips the next round and leaves for the bathroom. Apparently this has been a lot more difficult for him than he has shown. So Nino dares Aiba to kiss Ohno. Nino kisses Aiba. Sho kisses Ohno. And when Jun is back, he gets kissed by Nino. Then it’s Aiba and Nino.
The next kiss Jun has to share is with Ohno. Sho can see how he lets out a sigh of relief, when he crawls towards Ohno. He looks a lot more relaxed when kissing Ohno, almost relieved and happy.
It makes Sho’s stomach sting suddenly.
~~~
Jun adopts a dog. He isn’t even a pet-person, but to everyone’s surprise, he appears with a huge dog one day.
“That’s Rosi.” he introduces the huge Saint-Bernard dog. Aiba is the first to regather his composure. “She is cute.” he says diplomatically and carefully approaches the dog. Luckily, Rosi seems to have the nature and the temper of a stone, because she lies down on the floor with a grunt and lets Aiba pet her. For the rest of the rehearsal, she either sleeps or plays with Aiba and Jun.
“You know, Jun,” Ohno picks up the topic after a while. “Couldn’t it be a… you know… handier dog?”
“Well-“ there is an absent-minded smile on Jun’s face. He brushes through his black curls while watching the dog. “It wasn’t exactly planned. But her owners wanted to literally throw her away… So I decided to take her.”
~~~
“You know what?” Aiba throws his bag into a corner of the room and stretches a bit. “I can’t believe we are back from Asia.”
Jun smirks. “We still are in Asia. It’s Japan, you know.” he teases. He sounds a bit more sarcastic and his remarks are more biting now, but there is also a lot more warmth in them and he is a lot more caring. Like he has discovered and developed a whole new side to himself.
Sho is surprised too, because he doesn’t know this Jun. When they went their separate ways, Jun was visibly lost for a few months, then he changed. It was so sudden that it came as a surprise to them all. Whenever Nino would ask him anything about his sudden mature and confident self, Jun would just laugh loudly like Nino has said something incredibly funny.
The others soon adapt to it, they believe it’s because of Jun’s and Arashi’s growing popularity because of his drama appearances. They believe that all these things made him grow and helped him to turn into the Jun that he is now. The Jun who is confident, a bit snarky, eloquent, and suddenly so caring for the group and the members.
It seems like Sho is the only one who can’t get used to this new Jun. The more Jun changes, the bigger the distance gets.
~~~
“Did you already reach him?” Sho leans against the wall and taps against it with his shoe. He feels nervous. “He should have been here half an hour ago.”
“I know.” Ohno dials Jun’s number again. But it’s the voice mail again. “I’m going to call our manager.” he explains and leaves the room.
“No sign yet?” Nino asks when Ohno has left the room.
Sho shrugs. “No, we’ve been trying for twenty minutes already, but he doesn’t pick up his phone.” He doesn’t want to sound that worried, but he can’t help his voice shaking a bit.
Apparently, Nino caught it too, because he immediately reacts to it. “I’m sure he is fine.” he says with an unusual calm voice. “Maybe he is stuck in traffic.”
“Yes.” Aiba joins their conversation and exchanges a glance with Nino, something Sho can’t read. What is that look between them supposed to mean? “Or he forgot that we are supposed to meet?”
“Jun doesn’t forget rehearsals.” Sho says. The others stay quiet after that, it seems like they have run out of excuses and explanations. It’s so silent in the room that Sho is sure he can hear the others’ heartbeats. Padam. Padam. Padam. Pa-
Ohno comes back. “Don’t freak out now.” he says. These words alone make all three of them stare at him in panic. “He was in a minor car accident yesterday.” he continues.
“What!?” Sho blurts out.
“Nothing happened.” Ohno explains in his calm, composed way that makes all of them feel relaxed immediately. “The problem is-“ he seems to search for the right words. “It was snowing yesterday and he was in the cold for a long time. Apparently, he caught a very heavy cold from it and is having a high fever now. They sent a doctor to his place.”
Sho knows it’s probably a bad idea, a very bad idea, when he walks towards Jun’s place. The concierge recognizes him immediately and lets him pass. He hasn’t been here before. He and Jun have limited all their interactions to professional ones – work and when all of them met up. But Jun has never invited him to his place. Sho doesn’t even know since when he has been living here. He doesn’t know his new phone number either. One part of him is surprised by how mad Jun actually is and by how he consequently tries to break free from everything considering Sho. The other part undeniably feels hurt, because even before their messed up relationship, they were so close. He was even Jun’s personal tutor, damn it. Then there is the third, guilty feeling part in him that slowly realizes how hurt Jun truly was and maybe still is.
Jun has not locked the door to his apartment, which is good for Sho, but a bad sign in general. Jun is more careful usually.
When he finds Jun in his bedroom, he realizes that Ohno didn’t overdramatize the situation. There are tons of meds next to his bed while Jun himself is sleeping an uneasy sleep, his breath going unsteady.
Sho sits down at the edge of Jun’s bed, taking his warm hand into his. Jun opens his eyes a bit, but they are glazed and bit clouded. “Is it you?” he mumbles and Sho isn’t sure if he has really recognized him.
He takes a look at the meds and the recipes next to them. Then he bends forward a bit to lean his forehead against Jun’s. “Your head is too warm.” he says more to himself than to Jun.
Sho spends almost two hours in Jun’s apartment, trying to get his fever down, preparing tea, cooking some dry rice, forcing the meds down Jun’s throat. He even feeds Rosi and goes for a walk with her. Then he leaves silently before Jun wakes up for real and sees who is around him. He tells himself that he doesn’t want Jun to stress out anymore, but this stupid, nagging voice inside his head keeps yelling at him: coward, coward, coward. Shut up.
When he has left Jun’s apartment house, he angles for his phone and dials a number. “Riida, please come and look after Jun. He is in a really bad condition.”
Ohno takes a few minutes to recover. “I wanted to visit him together with Nino later anyway. We are still at the recording studio. I guess we can be there in one hour.” he explains and pauses. “Sho, were you at his place?”
“Yes.” he admits.
Ohno is silent for a moment, then he lets out a deep sigh. “You need to let go.” the older one says. His words make Sho freeze immediately.
“What?”
“You need to let go.” Ohno repeats. “Jun is letting go of you, he is trying hard, and you need to let him go. It’s not good for both of you.”
They have never really talked about it. Even though Ohno was so mad at first, he has never confronted Sho directly. The more Sho is surprised that he warms up the story now. “I didn’t want to hurt him.” he says silently. “I never meant to do that to him.”
“I know.”
“At that time, when it started, Jun was like medicine for me. I did use him, I guess. Even back then my conscience was already nagging me, but I kept ignoring it. I-“
“Sho,” Ohno interrupts him softly. “Let go.”
Sho is crying when he hangs up. He hasn’t cried in a long time, but he can’t help it.
~~~
He hears from Aiba that Ohno stayed at Jun’s place the whole night. “Oh-chan told me to stay away. He is scared that I might get the same infection.” he explains and sounds more than displeased. “I was the only one who didn’t visit him.”
“Your health is not too strong right now.” Sho tries to comfort him. “The same infection might send you to the hospital. You don’t need to feel guilty. Jun understands it for sure.”
“I know he does. Still…”
“I know.” Sho grabs his keys. “Let’s go for dinner. My treat.”
“Now that’s what I call a good idea.” Aiba grins, immediately in a good mood again and hurries after Sho.
They go for Sho’s favourite restaurant and get an extra room to be able to eat and talk, relaxed and calm, without people watching them. They talk about all kind of things and at one point, Aiba starts to talk about his ex-relationship openly. “What about you, Sho-chan?” he finally asks.
It’s then that Sho gathers his courage. “I had something going with Jun years ago. I messed up, I guess.” He is surprised himself that he was able to say it so openly. He doesn’t know if it’s the wine, his phone call with Ohno or if his emotions have been piled up so much that they need a valve now.
“Ah.” Aiba says in a matter-of-fact voice and pokes some peas with his chopsticks. “So that’s what’s happened between you.”
The good thing about Aiba is that he isn’t judging anyone. Never does. Even though Jun is one of his closest friends. His reaction brings Sho to the verge of tears again. Aiba’s eyes widen in shock. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks in panic.
“Not at all.” Sho smiles. “Thanks.” He is sure that Aiba doesn’t know what he thanked him for, but gladly, he doesn’t ask. “Say Masaki-“ Sho pauses. “Riida told me to let go. I just don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to do that.”
Aiba tilts his head and sighs deeply. “Believe me, if I knew how, life would be easier for me too.” For a while he chews on his rice before he looks at Sho thoughtfully. “Did you ever consider the idea of trying to become friends again? I mean, friends with Jun?”
Sho shakes his head.
“So, what did you say to Jun back then? Or later?”
Sho shrugs helplessly. “Nothing.” he answers honestly.
Aiba rolls his eyes. “You are an idiot, Sho. If I was Jun, I would be mad too.”
It’s silent between them for a moment. Sho sips at his red wine. Jun likes wine a lot, he knows that. “You think I can do it?”
“Do what?” Aiba wants to know.
“Convince him to become friends again.”
Aiba shrugs first. Apparently, he doesn’t want to say something along the lines of It might be too late. Instead, he settles for something more diplomatic. “You never know, unless you try.”
~~~
It’s three days later that Sho suddenly receives a message. Sender unknown. It only says Thank you. Nothing more, but somehow, Sho can’t help a smile when he saves Jun’s number. He doesn’t know how Jun found out that he was at his place or who told him about it, but if he has to take a guess, he’ll say it was Aiba.
~~~
Jun is dating. He has been dating different people throughout the last years, but it has never been so obvious to Sho before. Sometimes, his clothes are carrying the perfume from different people. And it even happened that he came to rehearsals with exactly the same clothes on as the day before.
Sometimes he and Nino are sticking their heads together, talking about something and apparently exchanging their secrets.
Jun laughs more often now.
~~~
It’s after a long and hot summer that Jun brings some exotic fruits and vegetables along. It was a present from the drama producers, he explains. And generous as he is, he gives some of them to each of them.
Sho is surprised when Jun hands him a basket too. “I hope you like them.” Jun says politely. He sounds rather stiff, but he looks into his eyes directly. Sho can’t see any teasing or anger in them. Let go.
“Thanks.” he says and smiles.
He meets with Aiba later on and prepares some fruit salad with him. When he takes a look into Aiba’s basket, he can see pineapples there. There is nothing like that in Sho’s. Oh Jun. Always so stubborn. It’s so grotesque that Sho can’t help a grin. Such a sarcastic tease.
“Do you mind if I use one of your pineapples?” he asks Aiba.
“Didn’t you get one?”, Aiba asks in surprise. “I thought I saw one in every basket. But sure, take it.” He bends forward a bit, his eyes widening slightly. “Yuk. You got artichokes. I hate them.” He grins. “Jun has to be really pissed at you. I didn’t see anything like that in Nino’s and Ohno’s presents.”
Sho lets go of his kitchen knife and looks into his basket in surprise. Artichokes?
A huge smile appears on his lips. Aiba apparently doesn’t even dare to question his sudden change in mood. He cooks the artichokes this evening, much to Aiba’s annoyance, and eats them together with pineapple fruit salad.
Pineapple and artichokes taste fine together, he thinks.
~~~
There is this point between Jun’s shoulder blades and the beginning of his waist with a little mole almost marking it. Jun tends to rub his fingers over it unconsciously when he is thinking deeply over something that’s worrying him.
“It’s so hot.” Nino complains and wraps his shirt around his head. “I can’t believe the air conditioner broke down. What a timing.”
“Let’s make the best out of it.” Jun suggests.
Nino eyes him sceptically. “And do what?”
“We could talk about the tracklist?” Jun says.
Sho nods. “Now that’s an idea.” he agrees. He is surprised how normal it feels to sit down next to Jun. And he is even more surprised that Jun doesn’t move away from his place, he just keeps sitting there.
“Which solo song will you perform?” Jun asks him directly. Sho can see how Nino pulls one of his eyebrows up, but gladly, he doesn’t say anything.
~~~
Sho is surprised at how much Jun has practised. He is so self-confident on stage that he is truly admiring him for it. Sho watches him practising his dance steps, his beautiful body moving smoothly.
“He is so good.” he tells Ohno.
“Yeah.” Ohno grins. “Second best, right after myself.”
Sho laughs. “I think he is better than you.” he teases. “He looks hotter.”
“Now that’s a completely different issue then.” Ohno agrees light-heartedly and chuckles. “I like watching him dance too.”
Jun interrupts his practice and looks at his friends sceptically. “What are you talking about?” he wants to know. “It feels like I’m in school again.”
“Don’t worry.” Nino calls out bluntly, a bright grin on his face. “They were just talking about how hot you are.”
“Oh.” Jun turns his head away, like he doesn’t care, but Sho can clearly see that he blushes slightly.
~~~
They are celebrating Sho’s birthday together. The atmosphere is all good and relaxed, it gets even better when Aiba finds a box with old photos in Sho’s apartment.
“Look at that, Jun.” he waves towards his friend. “Old photos. Look how ugly I was!” he laughs.
“You weren’t ugly.” Jun says immediately and settles down next to Aiba.
The others come closer too, curiously watching what Jun and Aiba are looking at. Only Sho stays behind. There are too many memories in this box for him to watch them with the others around.
“I didn’t know that Sho was at your High School graduation, Jun.” Ohno sounds surprised, when he angles for a photo of a very young Jun, proudly presenting his graduation certificate, Sho next to him, looking equally proud.
“He was tutoring me back then. I wouldn’t have finished school without him.” Jun explains calmly.
Sho is surprised that Jun still remembers. He can’t deny the happy feeling spreading inside him.
Aiba digs his way through the photos and grins impishly. “I think Sho-chan was stalking you back then, Jun.” he jokes. “There are more photos of you than of any of us.
Ohno and Nino crack up at that. It’s the first time ever that they laugh at something that concerns Jun’s and Sho’s messed up relationship. However, it’s also the first time that Sho feels he doesn’t want to take the teasing silently. “You know,” he teases back. “That’s only because I enjoyed his presence way more than any of you three idiots.”
The others start to complain immediately. They don’t see the surprised and doubting look in Jun’s eyes.
~~~
They meet coincidentally. Sho just wanted to pick up some coffee and cake and is just as surprised as Jun to meet him at the café.
“Hi.” he says warily and wonders how awkward it can possibly be between two persons.
“Hi.” Jun answers and looks just as wary and nervous as Sho. “Wanna sit down for a while?” he asks after moments of silence. It’s probably only a question asked out of politeness.
When Sho nods and sits down, he realizes that this is the first time since almost 8 years that they are all alone somewhere. He sighs. “Wow, this is awkward.”
His blunt statement somehow breaks the ice, because Jun smiles slightly. “Tell me about it. I’m here too, you know.”
“Meeting someone?” Sho asks, mainly to make some smalltalk.
“Hm. Shun. He is getting married soon and wants my help on his wedding clothes.”
Sho nods. Then there is silence around them again. It’s not a particular relaxing silence, it’s rather very uncomfortable. The typical silence between two people who share lots of memories but broke apart for years. Sho can’t even believe that it’s almost 8 years now that he was alone with Jun the last time, that they-
Let go.
Did you ever try to become friends?
Sho swallows deeply and gathers all his courage. Too late or not, it doesn’t help, he needs to finally say it. “Jun-“ he starts.
By the look in Jun’s eyes he knows immediately that the other has realized the change in his voice. “Don’t.” Jun says with an earnest voice.
Sho shakes his head. “I need you to know,” he explains. “All the things I couldn’t say back then. I guess I was a lot more unsure and less mature than I thought. I-“
“It’s over 7 years now, Sho-kun” Jun interrupts him again. Sho can see how he tries to stay composed but his voice is shaking slightly. He is angry for sure. “We need to leave it behind. Seriously.”
“Don’t you understand that it’s not working like that?” Sho intervenes. He sounds sharper than usual when he speaks with Jun. But to his surprise, it’s these last words, even though spoken rather forceful, that make Jun give in. When he shrugs, Sho continues. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know you think I used you and played you, but back then you were special to me.”
“You didn’t love me.” Jun says and his fingers are clenching around his cup of coffee. The knuckles under his skin are white, that’s how tight his grip is. He looks like he is holding back a lot more right now, and the only reason he isn’t saying anything or yelling at Sho is that there are people are around them. Watching them.
“Back then I didn’t understand love.” Sho explains. “I didn’t know what love is. I just knew that I liked to have you around.”
“You did use me, Sho-kun.” Jun says all of a sudden. He leans back in his seat and watches Sho’s expression piercingly.
“Maybe.” Sho answers honestly and Jun looks at him in surprise at this honest answer. “I didn’t understand I was. Besides it’s only partly true, because one part of me was truly affected by you. Back then, I didn’t know what was happening between us. I didn’t understand it. Hell, I didn’t even understand myself.” He pauses. “It was only you back then. Always you. I wish I had waited a bit longer, for me to grow up more and to sort my life, to become a better person. But I didn’t. And I can’t change it now.” He feels drained all of a sudden. “I’m still not sure if it was love back then, but you were special.” he repeats.
It feels weird to have said it out loud. Jun looks tired too and Sho wonders if he feels as empty as he does.
When he leaves the café, he feels a bit guilty. He is sure he has ruined Jun’s day with his talk. But when he has learned one thing, then that is there is no such thing as a right timing. And that waiting for the right moment has already cost him 7 years.
He hasn’t expected Jun to answer to anything he said. The more surprised he is when he suddenly receives a message one week later. You are such a jerk, Sho-kun, for saying all these things after so many years.
Sho nods slightly and puts his phone aside. He needs to think about how to answer. It’s a direct confrontation from Jun’s side and that’s more than he has hoped for.
~~~
“What is it now?” Ohno asks Jun and Sho directly when it’s only the three of them alone. He has sensed the tension between them immediately and is clearly worked up - and doesn’t even try to hide it.
“None of your business.” Jun huffs to their surprise. His nerves are a bit thinner than usual. He leaves the room and leaves Sho and Ohno behind.
“It’s my fault, I guess.” Sho explains. “I confronted him with everything.”
“Was it necessary?” Ohno wants to know. He doesn’t sound reproachful at all, it’s more like an honestly meant question.
“Yes.”
Ohno nods.
It’s only ten minutes later that Jun apologizes to Ohno for jumping at him. Ohno merely shrugs it off and grins. “Only if you go fishing with me.” he jokes.
“No, forget it.” Jun answers piercingly and jokes back. “You can stay mad at me instead.”
Ohno laughs even more.
Sho isn’t sure what else the both of them talked about but at the end of the day, he receives a message from Jun.
I wish it was easier to hate you.
Sho takes a deep breath before he types the next words. Give me a chance, Jun.
Jun’s answer comes faster than expected. Fine, I’ll try. It’s an apology from my side because for the last couple of years, I haven’t been too nice to you either.
Sho smiles.
~~~
Sho doesn’t tell Jun that he is going to watch his stage play. But he could swear that Jun’s eyes lingered a bit too long on the row he is sitting in.
The next day, Jun confronts him directly. “You are really bad at disguising yourself.” he teases.
“You really are obsessed with me, aren’t you?” Sho playfully fights back.
Jun merely chuckles. He is about to say something when a staff member suddenly calls for him. The others look at Sho in surprise. “What was that?” Nino asks, clearly taken aback by the previous banter. “I mean, since when-“ he pauses, apparently not wanting to rub salt into Sho’s wounds. “Watching the both of you is like watching a soap opera.” he grumbles instead.
“Who cares.” Aiba says dryly. “As long as they end up together, it’s alright.”
Sho isn’t sure, which one of them is looking more shocked at that announcement. “You have to be kidding me, Masaki?” Nino rasps out.
“Don’t worry, Nino.” Sho tries to shrug Aiba’s words away. “Jun would never agree to something like that.”
“Why not?”
Ohno and Sho exchange a glance, before Ohno takes a deep breath. “This group has already survived one friendship breaking apart. It might not survive if it happens again.”
“You think I’m stupid.” Aiba argues. “But I’m not. People change. It’s only you guys who can’t accept that. Not that I’m the problem, you are. You are standing in your own ways, so don’t use our group as an excuse for not cleaning up your mess. Damn.”
Before any of them can recover from Aiba’s unusual earnest words and say anything, Jun is back. “What’s the matter?” he asks curiously.
“Nothing.” Aiba says calmly. “We were just talking about how much we all changed.”
~~~
“Sometimes Aiba-chan gives me a headache.” Sho complains when he walks away from the rehearsals.
“Hm.” Ohno makes.
Sho throws him a surprised glance. “You agree with him?”
“To be honest, I don’t want to be the one cleaning up the mess again. Jun was a mess. You don’t even know how messed up he was.” Ohno says earnestly. “I don’t want to mend those broken pieces again. But there is one point that got me today.”
“What point?” Sho asks. What Ohno just told him about Jun did hurt him. He doesn’t want to get any more information from that time.
“You didn’t deny Aiba’s words.” Ohno grabs Sho’s arm and stops him from walking. “You said Jun wouldn’t want it. But nothing about yourself.”
For a moment, Sho doesn’t know what to say. Did he really not react to Aiba’s words properly? What’s going on in his mind? “I-“ he wants to diffuse Ohno’s worries but he doesn’t know how. He is at a loss for words at the moment. What is going on with him?
“Sho, do you love Jun?” Ohno interrupts his trail of thoughts. Sho grows pale, his whole body feels numb all of a sudden. “Just be very sure about what you do.” Ohno says with a clear warning in his voice.
~~~
Are you playing hide & seek?
Sho blinks in surprise when Jun’s message pops up on his phone. What do you mean?
You know exactly what I mean.
Sho finds it interesting that Jun is never using emoticons when he is sending emails or messages to him. It makes it difficult for him to read Jun’s emotions then and his real intentions. But at the same time, it makes himself react way more directly than before. Are you upset?
Not yet. But if you want this friendship thing to work, then stop hiding things from me. I swear if you ever play me again, I’ll kick your butt.
Sho grins slightly. When did you become so difficult to handle?
The next answer takes a bit longer to come. Well, it all started with a jerk playing with my feelings.
Sho knows that he shouldn’t laugh at this, but he can’t help it. He just has to grin brightly. You should have hit him then.
Again it takes a while for Jun to answer. When his message finally arrives, Sho opens it impatiently.
:-)
Sho feels happy all of a sudden. He gives himself a mental kick in the butt and dials Jun’s number. Jun answers the phone immediately, much to Sho’s surprise. “Well-“ Sho stutters. “Phoning is easier.” Or at least it should be.
“Hm.” Jun sounds not too convinced. “Depends on the person, I guess?”
It’s silent for a moment before Sho coughs nervously. “What are you doing right now?”
“Harry Potter marathon.”
“Are you kidding me!?”
“Not at all.” Jun’s voice sounds relaxed all of a sudden. He pauses for a few seconds before he adds. “Aiba is joining me. Do you wanna come too?”
Sho’s mind goes blank for a moment. He doesn’t even know how to react or what to say. “Are you sure?” he finally asks.
Jun’s answer is honest. “No, not at all. So what do you say?”
It’s the strangest invitation Sho has ever gotten, but he decides to go with the flow. “Yeah, sure.”
~~~
“What I don’t understand-“ Sho’s eyes are pinned to Jun’s huge TV-screen. “Why do they have a wizard school and no wizard kindergarten or primary school. I mean, it makes no sense at all! What if anyone of the humans finds out?”
“It’s a fantasy movie.” Aiba argues. “Stop questioning everything.”
“Yeah, but a completely illogical one.” Sho complains. “I mean, they basically lock a kid in a little storage room under the stairs. Isn’t that a criminal act?”
“You are obviously getting old for questioning all these things in fantasy movie.” Jun teases.
“I just have more life experience.”
Jun smiles slightly. “Yeah, sure.”
It’s later that night when Aiba has already fallen asleep two movies ago, that Jun’s head slowly sinks against Sho’s shoulder. Jun’s eyes are closed, he breathes steadily. Sho doesn’t even dare to move or breath. Instead, he takes a closer look at Jun. Damn, he is so pretty and his strong features look so young and soft when he is asleep. With shaking fingers, Sho brushes over Jun’s temples.
Jun moves slightly in his sleep and Sho pulls his hand back in shock. What the hell is he doing here?
~~~
“Rosi died.”
“Oh.” Ohno raises his head a bit and exchanges a surprised look with Sho. “I’m so sorry, Jun.”
“It’s okay.” Jun smiles it away, like he always does. “She was already pretty old when I got her. She had a good life.”
None of them touches the topic any more. It’s too obvious that Jun doesn’t want to talk about it. Later that day, Jun is suddenly gone. “He said he has to discuss something with the staff.” Nino explains when Sho asks him about it.
For the others, it might be believable, but Sho doesn’t buy it at all. When the others are preoccupied with their own stuff, he secretly leaves the room. It takes a while for him to find Jun. He is sitting at the window sill in an empty rehearsal room.
He doesn’t say anything when Sho closes the door behind him, only tilts his head slightly to see who it is that just came. Then he turns his head away again. Sho hugs him from behind, his chin resting on the top of Jun’s head, like he is 16 again. Jun doesn’t move or say anything, but Sho can feel teardrops dripping down on his hand.
It feels like just a moment, but apparently, they spent almost an hour like this. Jun moves a bit, his hand touching Sho’s arm that is still wrapped around Jun’s shoulders. “The others will wonder where we are.”, Jun says with a hoarse voice.
Sho shrugs. “So, let them.”
Jun lets his hand on Sho’s arm and nods slightly.
~~~
The others are late, or rather: Jun and Sho are too early. Nino has forgotten to tell them that their rehearsals were postponed for an hour. And since the both of them were already there, they decided to stay there and practice for themselves.
That was the plan. But somehow, they are suddenly sitting on the floor, their cups of coffee next to them, chatting with each other. It feels weird how casually they sit together. Thumb wrestling.
“Your hands are so big now.” Sho complains.
Jun grins. “You were always the type who couldn’t lose. You are just lacking skills.”
“My,” Sho smirks. “My Junior became so mouthy. He was so cute and shy once…”
Jun laughs. “Who are you calling Junior?”
Sho playfully tugs at Jun’s hand. To his own surprise, he apparently has used too much force because suddenly, Jun is pretty close to him. His face is only inches away from his. Sho’s heart skips a beat when he feels Jun’s breath against his neck.
“Sho-kun.” Jun sounds unsure and nervous all of a sudden. “This is bad. It has catastrophe written all over it, in every possible language.”
Sho doesn’t answer. He silently agrees. But still none of them has the nerve to move away. Instead, their fingers suddenly seem to be intertwined with each other while they keep staring into each other’s eyes.
Later Sho doesn’t know who it is that took the first step. He is sure that Jun has suddenly tilted his head into his direction and then… he doesn’t know anymore. But he can feel Jun’s lips against his all of a sudden. It’s a careful and tender kiss and the butterflies in his stomach seem to be on a rollercoaster drive. He is sure that he has never been kissed like that before. His fingers very slowly move over Jun’s cheek, wander over his neck and brush through his hair.
When they move apart again, Jun’s cheeks are slightly flushed, eyes gleaming a bit. “Catastrophe.” he mumbles silently.
“Probably.” Sho agrees but doesn’t let go of Jun’s hand.
~~~
After this day Jun suddenly pulls back from him again. Sho can’t blame him. It’s the same story all over again after all. He can’t really blame him for having doubts and for his lack of faith in him.
Sho doesn’t know who to ask for advice. Ohno? He has already grown too much grey hair because of their messed up relationship. Aiba? He would be too much into this whole thing. So Sho decides to go for the last option.
“I hope you have a good excuse for interrupting my free Sunday afternoon.” Nino complains when he opens the door. He is only wearing a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. “I’m playing Far Cry, you know?”
Sho doesn’t know at all because he has no idea what Far Cry is. “Some sort of videogame?” he asks politely.
Nino grumbles at that, but lets Sho into his apartment nevertheless. “I hope it’s important.”
“Jun and I kissed.” Sho comes right to the point. The expression on Nino’s face is worth it, he thinks, because Nino’s jaw drops down and his eyes widen.
“I need a drink.” he rasps out. When he comes back, he carries a tablet with two glass of whisky and a bottle of the beverage itself.
“That much?” Sho asks.
“Yes.” Nino takes a deep sip from his glass before he sits down at the other side of the table. “Why are you telling me and not one of the others?”
“I’m not sure. But Riida and Aiba are too much on one or the other side. You are the only one who has never said something about this whole story.” Sho explains and twists the glass between his fingers. The tips of his fingers feel ice-cold. “I want to know your opinion. On everything.”
“You want to know what I think about this whole story. From the beginning on?”
Sho shrugs.
“Fine.” Nino says. “I think it was horrible how much of a mess Jun was and I never want to see that happen again. But it was also horrible to see you at that time. You might not know it, but you were pretty messed up too. I guess that was the reason why you even started this thing with Jun back then.” He pauses. “I wish we were closer as a group back then, then you could have talked to one of us about your problems and not use Jun in a way that overstrained the both of you. That’s why I never said anything or sided with anyone. We all saw that something was off, but none of us dared to ask you directly. Except for Jun.”
“I knew he liked me.” Sho admits silently. “I knew he had feelings for me. Still, I could only think about myself.”
“You were a kid yourself, Sho.” Nino interrupts him. “Stop blaming yourself for that story. None of us blames you anymore, not even Jun. What’s more important is what’s happening now. How do you want to move forward when you can’t leave the past behind?” Nino lets out a deep sigh and takes another sip from his glass. “So, what happened?”
“We were just talking and then-“ Sho shrugs. “I don’t even know. Suddenly we kissed.”
“And?”
“Jun backed off.”
“Ah, of course he did.” Nino nods and empties the rest of his glass in one sip. When he wants to reach out for the bottle, Sho snatches it away.
“I need you to stay sober.” Sho explains.
“You have always been an ass.” Nino complains. Sho grins slightly but doesn’t let go of the whisky bottle. “What do you want, Sho-kun?”
“Hm?”
“What do you want? Try to get Jun out of your mind for a moment and think about what you want.”
“I know what I want.” Sho says calmly.
“Awesome.” Nino grins and angles for the bottle. “Then I can continue drinking. Oh- and please, when you plan on telling Riida, tell me. I swear, I want to see it!”
Sho grins and takes a sip from his whisky too. It burns a bit in his throat. “I’ll never tell him.” He looks at his friend insistently. “Do you think Jun likes me?”
“I’m not sure.” Nino looks at him warily, there is no lie in his eyes at all. “I can’t tell. Maybe. You have to take the risk without knowing.”
“Fair enough, I guess.”
They spend the rest of the evening playing videogames. Sho is glad for a little distraction. When it doesn’t work anymore and his thoughts start spinning again, he angles for his phone. How do you want to move forward, when you can’t leave the past behind?
“Fine.” Sho mumbles nervously. Go for it. All in. I love you.
~~~
Jun doesn’t answer to his message and Sho doesn’t dare to write him again or call him. He decides to give him some time. After all, he has learned to wait over the last couple of years.
The more he is surprised when he comes home from Nino’s place and finds Jun sitting at the corridor’s floor, leaning against the wall.
Sho’s throat feels dry all of a sudden.
“Were you drunk?” Jun asks and stands up.
Sho shakes his head and opens the door to let them both in.
“Did you really mean it?”
He closes the door behind them, his hands shaking slightly when he locks it. Then he turns around and leans against the door. “Yes.”
Jun licks his lips. There are so many things to read in his eyes that Sho doesn’t even know where to start. Then Jun suddenly takes a deep breath. “I’m going to do something I’d never normally do. And I apologize in advance.” he says.
“For what?” Sho wants to ask. But before he can do so, Jun has already cracked his palm across his face. Sho moves his fingers towards his cheek. The slap was hard enough for him to need some time to regather his composure.
Jun clenches his right hand. “That hurt.” he mumbles and kneels down on the floor. “Damn it, Sho-kun. Why are you telling me something like this now!? After so many years? I-“ he pauses. “Fuck you. Seriously.”
“I didn’t understand anything about feelings at that time.” Sho explains. “I didn’t know what love is or what it means to love someone. But I’m a hundred percent certain now.”
“I can’t take it a second time.” Jun explains. “I swear. If it doesn’t work out once more, I’ll-” Jun pauses, apparently caught in his thoughts. And Sho doesn’t know what to say, how to give Jun some reassurance.
“Say it.” Jun demands all of a sudden. “Say it to my face.”
Sho knows immediately what the other means. He sits down in front of Jun. “Give me your hands. And look at me.” He is glad that the other follows his instruction, eyes looking at him sceptically. He squeezes Jun’s hands slightly. “I love you, Jun.” he says without any hesitation.
Jun stays silent for a few seconds, his eyes don’t give away anything, only his lips are shivering slightly. “Sho-“ he says, without using any suffix. “I-. Damn it.”
Sho can feel how his eyes tear up in relief. He wraps his arms around Jun, glad that the other lets him. He can feel how Jun hugs him back, fingers tapping against his back warily at first before his grip gets tighter.
He is not sure yet how he will make this work. And he knows Jun is not full-heartedly into this yet. In a few hours, they might start discussing everything, trying to solve all the unanswered questions and regain their faith in each other. But for now, none of them says anything. This moment is perfect as it is.
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You know, it might sound weird now, but I left fandom for a while and just came back - and your fanfics were always some of my favs. So it means a lot to me that you read and liked this little piece!
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I love this! Especially on how you put their ups and downs, realistic ones are always the best when it comes to Sakumoto. ❤ Thanks for this. :)
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*oh my feeeellllllsssss*
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(Your userpic ♥)
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Yeah <3 Sakumoto is my OTP so~
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Your icon is lovely, by the way!!
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I can never imagine what really happened back there, but this could picture how sho is much of an asshole back then (something vague I tend to believe though) and the effect to jun's changing personality.;;A;; and how i love it. the aaaaanngggsssstttt!
“Watching the both of you is like watching a soap opera.”
I SINCERELY LOVE THE LINE. thank you!<3333
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We need more Sakumoto :D
I know what you mean. I wish I would know what really happened between them (I also - somehow - imagine Sho being a jerk back then. I don't even know why ^^)
Thanks again for reading and commenting!!
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This is what I always hope to find in Sakumoto fics: the feelings!
Their ups and downs. The bittersweetness.
And you describe those feelings so perfectly in this fic, that it feels so real.
I love it. Thank you for sharing this.
-pz-
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Gods, this was great.
It started out a bit confusing, and it was hard to keep track of time, but oh.. After all the pain when they started teasing each other again.. It warmed my heart.
This is Sakumoto in a nutshell isn't it.
Thanks for writing. I enjoyed it a lot ^^
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Yes, the time spawn was loooooong :D But I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! ♥
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Thanks again, enjoyed reading it.
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Thanks for your comment, girl <3
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I really enjoyed reading this although it hurt to see Jun so broken. It was beautiful. ♥
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Jun and Sho really went a long way, I think ^^ And until now I'm still wondering why Jun changed so much. Omg, all those Sakumoto feels *lol*