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yume_to_ame2015-08-30 10:21 am
lilly0) wrote in yume_to_ame2015-08-30 10:21 am
Entry tags:
Desire (Sakumoto) Part 2/2
Part 2 of Desire:
Jun and Nino meet for what they call their monthly Weirder than Arashi Day. They have started that a few years ago though it’s not always monthly – sometimes they only manage to meet once in a few months – and it’s not always weird.
This time though, Jun has bought some potato- and tomato-flavored ice-cream and Nino borrowed a movie where a bunch of students changed their gender while having sex before they flew into space, and then the world explodes.
“Awesome movie,” Jun analyses dryly. “And so-not-graphic at all.”
“Spare me your sarcasm,” Nino grins. “The movie fits perfectly! Don’t forget which day we have.” He lies down on his sofa. “Besides, your tomato ice-cream was too gross.”
“My tomato ice-cream was the perfect shape of weird,” Jun defends his choice. “Gross would have been the garlic one.”
When Nino grimaces and breaths out an Ew, Jun chcukles slighltly and lies down next to his friend. He turns his head a little, eyeing Nino’s face carefully. He has always thought that Nino has the right amount of pretty and cuteness with a good amount of coolness. His face has more wrinkles now, which look good on him. Surprisingly good. “You are staring.” Nino says and smirks a little.
“Hm, maybe.” Jun shrugs. “I just thought how much easier things would be if I went out with you.”
Nino blinks for a moment then he bursts into laughter. “Seems like we are ready for some drinks.” he jokes.
“I can mix us something.” Jun says dryly. “Found a perfectly weird recipe for a vegetable cocktail with rum.”
“Please spare me.” Nino whines. “I don’t want to end up with my head bowed over my toilet. Just some wine is enough.” He grins. “Could you fetch the bottle and two glasses from the kitchen? You know, my back hurts-“
Jun just smacks Nino’s hip and chuckles. “Fine,” he says nevertheless and gets the requested items. When he is back, Nino has made some place for him on the sofa so that they can sit next to each other comfortably.
Nino nips at his wine for a few seconds before he picks the subject up again. “You were kidding before, weren’t you?”
“Not really,” Jun angles for the red wine. “I really think my life would be easier with you.”
“You mean your life would be easier with anyone but Sho?” Nino pushes the topic further.
Jun looks up in surprise, seriously taken aback for a moment at how Nino looks at him thoughtfully, and at how much he actually seems to know. Apparently, he has realized his surprised gaze, because he chuckles a bit. “The others are a little dense when it’s about these things,” he explains. “I’m not.”
“So-“ Jun tries to sound as cool as possible to regain the upper hand of that conversation again, glad that Ohno really kept his secret. “-what do you think? Want to hit it off with me?” he jokes half-heartedly.
Nino laughs slightly. “No way!”
“Why not?”
“Sho would kill me!” Nino shivers a little when he says that. “I really don’t want to have his eternal wrath directed at me.”
For a moment, Jun is speechless. He doesn’t know what to make out of these words though he remotely recalls Sho’s reaction when he found out that Junpei was at Jun’s place. And the way he made his body ache for a few days.
Sho hasn’t called for the last days either, like he is too embarrassed to do so.
The hell with his embarrassment, Jun thinks, and decides to just spit out what lies on his mind. “Why is it that he can fuck around with whoever and how often he wants to but he wants me to be his exclusively. Not fair, if you ask me!”
Nino’s lips twitch a little. He is not smiling though. It’s rather a worried expression. “Maybe you should discuss that with him?” he suggests.
“Hm.”
“You are not, am I right?” Nino continues his interrogation. “You are not going to ask him. Why is it that you always chicken out when it’s about Sho?”
“I’m not chickening out!” Jun tries to defend himself. Sometimes, the truth stings.
“Then just ask him about it.” Nino demands and angles for Jun’s phone. “You can do it immediately, like right now.”
For a moment, Jun stares at the phone. Should he? Just call Sho, ask him, demand some answers? But then he shakes his head. “I can’t do that on the phone.” he says and it’s at least partly true because he really doesn’t want to do it like that.
Nino pulls his hand with the phone away. “Why are you so scared of talking about important things with him?”
Jun shrugs. He is not too sure about that himself but he does remember a little incident in the past. “You remember when Sho and I had this huge fight a few years ago?”
“Yeah, the one where you didn’t talk to each other for the longest time possible?” Nino asks dryly. “The worst kept secret ever. Everyone knows.”
Jun decides to ignore that objection generously and just continues. “Well, we did talk about it later.”
“Really?” There is sudden curiosity in Nino’s voice. “And?”
“Nothing,” Jun smiles carefully. “It was the weirdest talk in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered such an awkward situation. And even until now, I don’t know what Sho was telling me back then. He really is awful with these things.”
Nino laughs lightly. “He traumatized you?” He grins. “Well, then-“ he grabs Jun’s phone and opens the messages. “Let me do something else then.”
Jun thinks he should probably intervene but his own curiosity and the fact that he is secretly relieved that someone is pushing him like that wins over his rationality. “What are you doing?”
“Writing a message.” Nino smirks smugly while he recites. Sho-chan~, it’s me, Nino. Stolen Jun-darling’s phone. Have been hanging out with him the whole evening. Kyaaa, he is so cute when he sleeps, isn’t he? Might just keep him *haha* Well then… I miss you… not. *LOL*
Jun stares at Nino in sincere shock. No, no, no fukcing way! “You did not write that for real!?” he rasps out and grasps for his phone. But here it is, clearly in his sent messages. “Fuck you.”
“You are welcome.” Nino grins.
“We are not 15 anymore to play such pranks, Kazu!” Jun scolds, trying not to sound too angry because after all, he has let Nino at his phone. Stupid him.
“I just applied my message to Sho’s level.” Nino answers dryly. “Talking about 15, you know.”
There is not much Jun can really argue against that. For the rest of the evening, he tries to shove that whole issue with Sho away but he just can’t. It’s there, omnipresent in his mind. Damn it.
It’s a few hours later that Jun has finally arrived at his own place that his phone lights up again. He thinks it’s Nino at first but to his surprise, it’s not.
Hi Jun,
How are you doing? Are you feeling well?
Do you want to meet this week? Just tell me when you are free, I’ll re-arrange my schedule then.
Jun stares at the text in amazement. Besides the fact that Sho’s messages always sound the same no matter to whom he directs them - always so serious and well-spoken – it’s the first time he actually offered Jun to comply to his wishes for a date for their meeting.
Sho never rearranges his schedule normally.
Jun isn’t sure if he should sigh or smile at that. He does both. Teenager-level indeed.
~~~
They meet on Thursday and though Sho is longing and demanding like always, capturing Jun immediately after he stepped into the hotel room. It’s different this time. Because he whispers Jun’s name against Jun’s neck more often now. His kisses feel warmer and he obviously tries hard to make it as good for Jun as possible.
That’s new. Sho, of course, would never do something Jun doesn’t want. But it’s not usual for him to be that attentive and to watch Jun’s reactions like that. He has never been that tender before.
“What are you doing to me, Sho-kun?” Jun mumbles, his heart hammering against his chest like it can’t bear all of this any longer. Sho doesn’t answer to that, he only turns on his back, pulling Jun on top of him and kisses him longingly.
“Fuck you, seriously.” Jun breaths out.
“Well, if that’s what you want.” Sho finally says with a little smile. “Fine with me.”
“But-“
Sho smirks a little when he arches his back to be closer to Jun. He stretches his head until Jun can feel his breath against his ear. “Fuck me?” he whispers.
Damn it. The endorphine rush makes Jun’s ears ring, the sight in front of him gets almost white in bliss. He wants Sho that much. Too much maybe.
The hell with it, he thinks, and just decides to go for what he wants so badly. Sho’s breath against his neck goes a little more irregularly too now, his legs are wrapped around Jun’s waist, moans escaping his lips and his back arching when he nears his orgasm.
He looks so freaking hot.
~~~
It’s during one of their next band rehearsals that they somehow indirectly touch the topic of Sho being a little possessive again because Aiba suddenly says, “Have you heard about the new restaurant with Italian specialties? I want to eat there once. We could have a band gathering there! Today.”
“No.” Sho says calmly. “I hate Italian food.”
“Since when?” Nino asks in mock-surprise while Jun can see how he rolls his eyes behind Sho’s back.
“Never was too fond of it.” Sho answers, not particularly friendly while he throws Nino a warning glance.
Nino only grins and hurries to Jun’s side like it’s the most normal thing for him to do. Ohno just shakes his head.
Jun watches the scene from the side, various emotions heading through him. He is majorly surprised. He feels very suspicious and on top of that, he has no idea what to make out of it. It can’t be, can it?
~~~
That evening, they don’t go out together to that band gathering, though they settled for a French restaurant to comply with Sho’s wishes. But Sho is on the phone all of a sudden and when he comes back, he is looking a bit shaken.
“What?” Jun asks immediately, eyes quivering slightly.
“They brought my grandmother to the hospital.” Sho explains in that calm voice that Jun hates, because it’s so damn fake. “She fell and-“
“Is she alright?”
“Apparently it’s nothing major.” Sho explains and sounds honest. “But I’ll immediately head to the hospital.”
“Hm-“ Jun nods. “I’ll come with you.”
It has to be because of his sudden announcement that the others just obviously don’t know what to say. Ohno and Nino exchange some glances but stay quiet. Aiba is the first to regather his composure. “Well-“ he says, smiling a little. “Tell her all the best from us.”
“Yes-“ Ohno mutters. “Maybe you two can catch up with us later.”
They leave soon afterwards, but the thousand question marks are still remaining in the room. “You were too obvious.” Sho says and it’s not clear if it’s a complaint or not.
“Yes-“ Jun nods. “But I don’t care.” The hell with it, he thinks, Sho is always the only one who doesn’t care. Now it’s his turn. To his surprise, he has said the last words out loud because Sho bites down on his lips all of a sudden, eyes glinting with guilt, and looks away. Awesome. Jun rubs his head. He is obviously losing it. Words never slip his so controlled mouth normally.
“Sorry.” Sho says and Jun isn’t sure if he means their previous nights together or his weird attitude in general.
Jun shrugs. “Let’s go.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Sho says while he grabs some things. “You know, it’s nice and all, but I don’t want you to feel the need to-“
“Oh, shut up, Sho-kun.” Jun huffs. “I do whatever I want. And it just so happens that I don’t want you to go to the hospital alone. So, just thank me like a good kid and stop beating around the bush.”
There is a sudden smile on Sho’s lips. “Thank you.” he says and nods a bit. He turns around then leave the room first.
“Hey Sho-kun,” Jun grabs Sho’s arm and holds him back. He feels like hugging him all of a sudden, so he does. “It’s going to be fine. Don’t worry, okay?” He doesn’t make sure what is going to be fine: Sho’s grandmother, their messed up sex-whatever-relationship or their whole confused minds.
Sho hugs him back, his arms wrapped around him tightly. It feels warm and good – and right. Jun feels almost empty when Sho pulls back with a smile and says. “Let’s go.”
~~~
Sho’s grandmother is very surprised, but also very happy to see them. It reminds Jun of how long he hasn’t seen anyone from Sho’s family.
He chats a bit with her, asks her some light-hearted and casual questions. Sho soon adapts to his grandmother being here and sees that she is doing fine. His eyes shine in relief and warmth all of a sudden. He looks so damn pretty right now, so full of love that it almost makes Jun’s heart overflow with millions of emotions.
He decides to leave the family alone and give them some privacy for now and instead head to the others. As he steps in the elevator, the doors closing, Sho suddenly slips inside too. “Jun-kun,” he says. And then nothing more. He just takes Jun’s face into his hands and pulls it closer, kisses him so softly like he has never kissed Jun before. Like it’s their first kiss.
When the elevator stops, he pulls back again and smiles. “Thanks.”
“Yeah-“ Jun stutters. “Never mind.”
~~~
“Everything alright?” Aiba asks when Jun meets them.
“Yes-“ he forces a smile to his lips. “She is doing well.”
The others continue their talk from before, but Jun can’t concentrate. Sho has left him too confused, with too many stirred up emotions. That’s not normal. And he has no idea what to do out of it.
He needs some distraction. So he does what he normally does when his feelings are overstraining him. He calls Junpei.
This time they meet at Junpei’s place. However, although it normally diffuses his thoughts to sleep with him, this time it doesn’t. His mind is still confused and his thoughts clouded afterwards. He can’t see through the dust and the fog, even though he tried so hard.
It’s later when Junpei is asleep that Jun gets up and walks around. He can’t sleep. In one of Junpei’s shelves there are several movies, mostly action and adventure type of movies. In the middle of them he finds Breakfast at Tiffany’s. That’s something Sho would like. Like a little gem, he thinks. All of a sudden Jun feels sad.
~~~
He doesn’t see Sho for the next days. He is busy and has his own problems too. This time though, Jun refrains from calling Junpei. He just doesn’t feel like it. Two weeks later, his phone rings all of a sudden. It’s Sho.
“Dinner?” Sho asks without any further explanation.
Jun blinks. “Well, yes. When?” he asks, trying to hide the light and happy sound in his voice.
“Are you free tonight?” Sho wants to know.
“Hm, yes.”
“Awesome. 7 PM?”
“At your place or mine?” Jun wants to know.
“Neither.” In the background, he can hear how Sho is talking to someone. Apparently, his mother. “Let’s go to this new Korean restaurant. You’ve been talking about that for like forever and complained that you never made it because it’s so far away.”
Jun stares at the white wall right in front of him. He feels so puzzled that he doesn’t know what to say.
“Jun-kun? Are you still there?”
“Yes,” Jun turns around to lean against the wall. “Okay,” he finally answers. “Let’s go to that restaurant.”
“Good, let’s drive together. It’s a pretty long way. I’m going to pick you up.” With that he hangs up and leaves Jun with a lot of mixed feelings. Dinner. Not unusual, but normally, just an excuse to make out. It’s true that they went out together a few weeks ago but it was merely because Sho felt so freaking guilty.
It’s not a sex date tonight? What is it then?
~~~
“Wanna drop by, Sato-kun?”
Jun needs someone to talk to. Clearly, it can’t be anyone from his bandmates, especially not Ohno because he has just sent him a warning glance yesterday and Jun is afraid that he might re-consider his previous promise. It can’t be Junpei either because he doesn’t want to have sex now. So he goes for an option he knows wouldn’t lead him to bed.
“Now?” Ryuta says in surprise.
“Yeah, we haven’t met in a while.” It’s a lame excuse, he knows that. Ryuta probably knows too because he agrees all of a sudden. “I’m in the area anyway.” Probably a lie. Still, not more than one hour later, he is at Jun’s place. They have coffee together.
“Your place looks nice.” Ryuta says, smiling brightly. “It’s fancy.”
“Right.” Jun laughs. “Like you don’t have a fancy place!”
“Why don’t you visit me and my family next time?” the older one suggests. “You haven’t met them yet.”
“Thanks. I will.”
There is a long pause in which Jun shifts the cup of coffee from one hand to the other and Ryuta watches him for a while. “I think-“ the latter suddenly says with a chuckle. “I’m too old for this. Just tell me what you want to talk about. It drives me crazy not to know.”
The good thing about Ryuta is that he is straightforward and fun, easy to talk to. Trustworthy. They have gotten along from the first minute on, sharing some details of their private life with each other, things Jun normally never told anyone. So Jun explains everything to him. About Sho. About what they went through, how messed up they once were when they were younger, how they got along again, how they started this – whatever it is – and how they are still messed up. When he mentions Junpei, Ryuta blinks a bit. “Mizobata-san?” he asks. “The one we were shooting with together?”
Jun shrugs while Ryuta rubs over his head a bit. “Man, am I glad that I already settled down.” He says and doesn’t sound as cheeky as he normally does. “You want to know what I think?”
Jun smiles. “Obviously I do.”
“You know, I think Mizobata is a distraction. Better than distracting yourself with him would be to head forward and face the real thing.”
“I just don’t know what the real thing is.” Jun intervenes, though he has already pretty much thought the same.
“I understand, but as long as you are distracted you’ll never know.” Ryuta explains before a cheeky grin appears on his face. “And now give me one of those cookies over there. It’s my turn now to load my problems on you.”
“You have problems?” Jun mock muses with a grin before he hands Ryuta the chocolate chip cookies he wanted so badly. “I thought your life is all settled down and calm?” he teases.
Ryuta laughs. “I need a wedding anniversary present for my wife. So, I think, after listening to your complicated story, I deserve some help.”
“Fine.” Jun agrees. It’s actually nice, he thinks. Ryuta is easy to talk to and to be around with. He makes him forget Sho for a moment and his unusual invitation. A few hours later, Ryuta has decided on his wedding present and Jun has decided to put his love life in an order. How he is going to do that, he has no idea.
They leave the house together and Jun already sees Sho’s car waiting for him. “Always on point,” he smiles.
“Have fun.” Ryuta says and pauses. “You know, Matsumoto-kun. I think this Sho-guy might actually-“ he pauses, tilts his head a bit before he makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Forget it. You’ll probably figure it out yourself.”
Jun frowns slightly when his friend walks away. Sho might actually be or do… what? The only reason he doesn’t ponder more over this is because Sho is already waiting. This is good because it doesn’t give Jun any room to think and wonder even more. When he opens the door to Sho’s car and sits down, the latter smiles half-heartedly. “I didn’t know you have a guest.”
“That’s Sato Ryuta-kun.” Jun explains. “We got to know each other through the drama.” He pauses. “He is married, we are just friends.” he adds and doesn’t even know why he says that. He almost feels a little mad at himself for presenting this excuse. “I helped him choose a wedding anniversary present for his wife.
Too much information, he thinks. No interrogation, rule number 4. It’s not like Sho interrogated him though, but still, he didn’t sound too neutral. Now he seems to be relaxed again, almost happy.
“Whiplash,” Jun mumbles.
“Hm?” Sho asks
“Nothing.” I’m getting a whiplash from your mood swings. There is no way he could say that out loud.
~~~
They spend a beautiful evening together. Jun can’t remember the last time he has talked that much with Sho. About all kind of things, personal stuff, band stuff, random chit-chat. They never run out of topics to talk about.
It’s almost easy. It feels so damn normal.
But the evening loses the light-hearted atmosphere when Sho suddenly says: “What would you say, if I asked you – hypothetically of course, okay? –”
“Hypothetically?” Jun repeats. When he realizes that Sho waits for his okay for the upcoming hypothetical question, he shrugs. “Well, what would you ask me?”
“- not to meet Junpei-kun anymore,” Sho says.
Jun stares at the other for a while. For a pretty long while. Sho’s not looking away from him, meets his glance. But still- it’s very difficult to read this look in his eyes. He wonders if it’s equally difficult for Sho to read him. They both have too much of a pokerface. “Why?” Jun finally says. “I would probably ask you why you would want that.”
“Just, because,” Sho says and looks away all of a sudden. With the eye contact broken, Jun feels a bit at a loss.
They continue their talk from before now, leaving Sho’s weird question aside. Still, it lingers in Jun’s thoughts. He feels like rolling his eyes at so much oblivious obviousness. Idiot, he thinks all of a sudden. Sho-kun, you are an idiot!
After all, this whole contract and no strings attached thing was Sho’s idea to begin with.
When they are driving back home, Jun half expects Sho to come upstairs into Jun’s apartment. But Sho doesn’t. Instead, he pulls Jun into a kiss that’s so intense that Jun feels how his skin tingles a bit. Sho’s fingers are touching his neck now, his shoulders, while his other hand brushes through Jun’s hair carefully.
Twenty minutes later, they pull away from each other. “See you tomorrow at the rehearsals.” Sho stutters.
“Yeah, drive home safely.” Jun says, his head spinning a little. And- “Thanks for the invitation.”
~~~
Jun closes the door to his apartment and leans against it. He angles for his phone. “Sato-kun, it was a date, wasn’t it?”
The reply comes immediately. “Probably. That’s what I thought right from the start. Too much effort for a friends with benefits story.”
Jun nods. He is pretty sure that that’s what Ryuta wanted to tell him before he left. Sho might actually see this as a date.
A date! Something inside Jun’s mind starts spinning and he almost feels like dancing a hula dance now. That’s how much his heart jumps in happiness.
Idiot. Jun undresses and drops down on his bed just like he is. If you like me, if you want me to be yours, why won’t you say it?
~~~
During the next days, Jun feels weirdly tensed. He tries his best not to think about this whole story too much. But the harder he tries, the more he thinks about it. They are shooting for a PV and the others are distracted with the choreography. Only Sho is standing slightly behind them, right next to Jun. And he looks so freaking hot.
“Screw it.” Jun mumbles and pulls Sho into a sudden kiss. If Sho is surprised, he hides it pretty well because aside from a little gasp and his eyes widening in shock for a moment, there is no sign he hasn’t expected it. He takes Jun’s face between his hands and kisses him back.
Before the others turn around again, they step apart. Like nothing has happened.
“What do you think about the choreography?” Aiba ask.
Jun touches his lips absent-mindedly. “It’s good.” he says more to himself than to Aiba.
Damn yes, it’s awesome!
~~~
“Talking about a sudden attack,” Sho says when they are leaving the recording studio together. He sounds amused though, not reproachful.
Jun chuckles. “Don’t tell me you didn’t like it.”
“Well, fact is-“ Sho looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, a smirk on his lips. “I liked it way too much.”
“We can deepen this conversation at your place.” Jun suggests while he angles for his sunglasses. It’s warm and the sun is too dazzling.
“I would very much support that thought.” Sho agrees casually.
It’s always so simple with Sho. Uncomplicated though they are both so freaking complicated. When Sho opens the door to his apartment, Jun tells him exactly that: “We are both making this more difficult than it is.”
“Hm,” Sho nods and puts one of his hands on Jun’s waist. With the other, he touches his neck softly. “I guess we do.”
“Tell me what you want.” Jun says. “What you really want.”
Sho doesn’t say anything for a while but he doesn’t pull his hands away either, so it’s a good sign. Isn’t it? He closes the door with his foot before he finally turns his full attention back to Jun. “I want you not to meet anyone else.”
“Why?” Jun asks. “May I remind you that it was your idea to begin with? This whole no strings attached thing.”
“I know that,” Sho says earnestly. “I’ve never thought it would turn out like this when we began… meeting. I never expected it to turn into-“ he pauses
“Dating?” Jun helps. Feelings, he thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud.
Sho nods. “You know, when I’m with other guys, I feel like throwing up, because they annoy me so much after some time. With you it’s different. And I very much enjoy being with someone who doesn’t make me vomit.”
If this wasn’t so important to Jun, he would probably drop down on the floor and laugh. Never in his life has he expected to hear such a confession – or whatever it was. Semi-confession. And such a bad one on top of that.
“So-“ Sho continues. “What do you say? Are you still going to meet other people?” Instead of an answer, Jun kisses him. Sho smiles. “That’s not an answer, Jun.”
Just Jun. That’s something he could get used to. “It is an answer.” he says
“My-” Sho chuckles. “We really are complicated.”
“Or maybe we are not.” Jun suggests.
“Yes, maybe not.”
~~~
Sho is wearing a bathrobe. He hates to walk around naked so he always wears one after sex. Jun isn’t sure if it’s ridiculous, cute or just… Sho.
“I feel like watching a movie.” Sho muses.
“Hm,” Jun gets up and puts on some black shorts. “Fine with me.”
“Black suits you.” Sho says. It’s so random that Jun has to grin. “Which movie do you wanna see?”
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Jun suggests, because he wants to see Sho happy and because the movie has kind of stick to his mind.
“Oh! I haven’t seen that since forever!”
They both settle down on the sofa. Jun lies down a bit, his head in Sho’s lap. He can feel how the latter is playing with his hair a bit.
“You know-“ Sho says all of a sudden “-if you asked me if I loved you, I probably wouldn’t know what to say. But I do know that I just don’t want to be without you. So I guess this is love.”
His confessions are getting worse, Jun thinks. But he doesn’t mind much, hence he doesn’t complain. “Probably.”
“The fact that I still want you after years of doing this means I probably will want you tomorrow too. And in two years. And even after that.”
Better. Jun smiles a bit. It’s still not perfect, but better.
Sho is full of contradictions. So is Jun. It’s good.
Jun and Nino meet for what they call their monthly Weirder than Arashi Day. They have started that a few years ago though it’s not always monthly – sometimes they only manage to meet once in a few months – and it’s not always weird.
This time though, Jun has bought some potato- and tomato-flavored ice-cream and Nino borrowed a movie where a bunch of students changed their gender while having sex before they flew into space, and then the world explodes.
“Awesome movie,” Jun analyses dryly. “And so-not-graphic at all.”
“Spare me your sarcasm,” Nino grins. “The movie fits perfectly! Don’t forget which day we have.” He lies down on his sofa. “Besides, your tomato ice-cream was too gross.”
“My tomato ice-cream was the perfect shape of weird,” Jun defends his choice. “Gross would have been the garlic one.”
When Nino grimaces and breaths out an Ew, Jun chcukles slighltly and lies down next to his friend. He turns his head a little, eyeing Nino’s face carefully. He has always thought that Nino has the right amount of pretty and cuteness with a good amount of coolness. His face has more wrinkles now, which look good on him. Surprisingly good. “You are staring.” Nino says and smirks a little.
“Hm, maybe.” Jun shrugs. “I just thought how much easier things would be if I went out with you.”
Nino blinks for a moment then he bursts into laughter. “Seems like we are ready for some drinks.” he jokes.
“I can mix us something.” Jun says dryly. “Found a perfectly weird recipe for a vegetable cocktail with rum.”
“Please spare me.” Nino whines. “I don’t want to end up with my head bowed over my toilet. Just some wine is enough.” He grins. “Could you fetch the bottle and two glasses from the kitchen? You know, my back hurts-“
Jun just smacks Nino’s hip and chuckles. “Fine,” he says nevertheless and gets the requested items. When he is back, Nino has made some place for him on the sofa so that they can sit next to each other comfortably.
Nino nips at his wine for a few seconds before he picks the subject up again. “You were kidding before, weren’t you?”
“Not really,” Jun angles for the red wine. “I really think my life would be easier with you.”
“You mean your life would be easier with anyone but Sho?” Nino pushes the topic further.
Jun looks up in surprise, seriously taken aback for a moment at how Nino looks at him thoughtfully, and at how much he actually seems to know. Apparently, he has realized his surprised gaze, because he chuckles a bit. “The others are a little dense when it’s about these things,” he explains. “I’m not.”
“So-“ Jun tries to sound as cool as possible to regain the upper hand of that conversation again, glad that Ohno really kept his secret. “-what do you think? Want to hit it off with me?” he jokes half-heartedly.
Nino laughs slightly. “No way!”
“Why not?”
“Sho would kill me!” Nino shivers a little when he says that. “I really don’t want to have his eternal wrath directed at me.”
For a moment, Jun is speechless. He doesn’t know what to make out of these words though he remotely recalls Sho’s reaction when he found out that Junpei was at Jun’s place. And the way he made his body ache for a few days.
Sho hasn’t called for the last days either, like he is too embarrassed to do so.
The hell with his embarrassment, Jun thinks, and decides to just spit out what lies on his mind. “Why is it that he can fuck around with whoever and how often he wants to but he wants me to be his exclusively. Not fair, if you ask me!”
Nino’s lips twitch a little. He is not smiling though. It’s rather a worried expression. “Maybe you should discuss that with him?” he suggests.
“Hm.”
“You are not, am I right?” Nino continues his interrogation. “You are not going to ask him. Why is it that you always chicken out when it’s about Sho?”
“I’m not chickening out!” Jun tries to defend himself. Sometimes, the truth stings.
“Then just ask him about it.” Nino demands and angles for Jun’s phone. “You can do it immediately, like right now.”
For a moment, Jun stares at the phone. Should he? Just call Sho, ask him, demand some answers? But then he shakes his head. “I can’t do that on the phone.” he says and it’s at least partly true because he really doesn’t want to do it like that.
Nino pulls his hand with the phone away. “Why are you so scared of talking about important things with him?”
Jun shrugs. He is not too sure about that himself but he does remember a little incident in the past. “You remember when Sho and I had this huge fight a few years ago?”
“Yeah, the one where you didn’t talk to each other for the longest time possible?” Nino asks dryly. “The worst kept secret ever. Everyone knows.”
Jun decides to ignore that objection generously and just continues. “Well, we did talk about it later.”
“Really?” There is sudden curiosity in Nino’s voice. “And?”
“Nothing,” Jun smiles carefully. “It was the weirdest talk in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered such an awkward situation. And even until now, I don’t know what Sho was telling me back then. He really is awful with these things.”
Nino laughs lightly. “He traumatized you?” He grins. “Well, then-“ he grabs Jun’s phone and opens the messages. “Let me do something else then.”
Jun thinks he should probably intervene but his own curiosity and the fact that he is secretly relieved that someone is pushing him like that wins over his rationality. “What are you doing?”
“Writing a message.” Nino smirks smugly while he recites. Sho-chan~, it’s me, Nino. Stolen Jun-darling’s phone. Have been hanging out with him the whole evening. Kyaaa, he is so cute when he sleeps, isn’t he? Might just keep him *haha* Well then… I miss you… not. *LOL*
Jun stares at Nino in sincere shock. No, no, no fukcing way! “You did not write that for real!?” he rasps out and grasps for his phone. But here it is, clearly in his sent messages. “Fuck you.”
“You are welcome.” Nino grins.
“We are not 15 anymore to play such pranks, Kazu!” Jun scolds, trying not to sound too angry because after all, he has let Nino at his phone. Stupid him.
“I just applied my message to Sho’s level.” Nino answers dryly. “Talking about 15, you know.”
There is not much Jun can really argue against that. For the rest of the evening, he tries to shove that whole issue with Sho away but he just can’t. It’s there, omnipresent in his mind. Damn it.
It’s a few hours later that Jun has finally arrived at his own place that his phone lights up again. He thinks it’s Nino at first but to his surprise, it’s not.
Hi Jun,
How are you doing? Are you feeling well?
Do you want to meet this week? Just tell me when you are free, I’ll re-arrange my schedule then.
Jun stares at the text in amazement. Besides the fact that Sho’s messages always sound the same no matter to whom he directs them - always so serious and well-spoken – it’s the first time he actually offered Jun to comply to his wishes for a date for their meeting.
Sho never rearranges his schedule normally.
Jun isn’t sure if he should sigh or smile at that. He does both. Teenager-level indeed.
~~~
They meet on Thursday and though Sho is longing and demanding like always, capturing Jun immediately after he stepped into the hotel room. It’s different this time. Because he whispers Jun’s name against Jun’s neck more often now. His kisses feel warmer and he obviously tries hard to make it as good for Jun as possible.
That’s new. Sho, of course, would never do something Jun doesn’t want. But it’s not usual for him to be that attentive and to watch Jun’s reactions like that. He has never been that tender before.
“What are you doing to me, Sho-kun?” Jun mumbles, his heart hammering against his chest like it can’t bear all of this any longer. Sho doesn’t answer to that, he only turns on his back, pulling Jun on top of him and kisses him longingly.
“Fuck you, seriously.” Jun breaths out.
“Well, if that’s what you want.” Sho finally says with a little smile. “Fine with me.”
“But-“
Sho smirks a little when he arches his back to be closer to Jun. He stretches his head until Jun can feel his breath against his ear. “Fuck me?” he whispers.
Damn it. The endorphine rush makes Jun’s ears ring, the sight in front of him gets almost white in bliss. He wants Sho that much. Too much maybe.
The hell with it, he thinks, and just decides to go for what he wants so badly. Sho’s breath against his neck goes a little more irregularly too now, his legs are wrapped around Jun’s waist, moans escaping his lips and his back arching when he nears his orgasm.
He looks so freaking hot.
~~~
It’s during one of their next band rehearsals that they somehow indirectly touch the topic of Sho being a little possessive again because Aiba suddenly says, “Have you heard about the new restaurant with Italian specialties? I want to eat there once. We could have a band gathering there! Today.”
“No.” Sho says calmly. “I hate Italian food.”
“Since when?” Nino asks in mock-surprise while Jun can see how he rolls his eyes behind Sho’s back.
“Never was too fond of it.” Sho answers, not particularly friendly while he throws Nino a warning glance.
Nino only grins and hurries to Jun’s side like it’s the most normal thing for him to do. Ohno just shakes his head.
Jun watches the scene from the side, various emotions heading through him. He is majorly surprised. He feels very suspicious and on top of that, he has no idea what to make out of it. It can’t be, can it?
~~~
That evening, they don’t go out together to that band gathering, though they settled for a French restaurant to comply with Sho’s wishes. But Sho is on the phone all of a sudden and when he comes back, he is looking a bit shaken.
“What?” Jun asks immediately, eyes quivering slightly.
“They brought my grandmother to the hospital.” Sho explains in that calm voice that Jun hates, because it’s so damn fake. “She fell and-“
“Is she alright?”
“Apparently it’s nothing major.” Sho explains and sounds honest. “But I’ll immediately head to the hospital.”
“Hm-“ Jun nods. “I’ll come with you.”
It has to be because of his sudden announcement that the others just obviously don’t know what to say. Ohno and Nino exchange some glances but stay quiet. Aiba is the first to regather his composure. “Well-“ he says, smiling a little. “Tell her all the best from us.”
“Yes-“ Ohno mutters. “Maybe you two can catch up with us later.”
They leave soon afterwards, but the thousand question marks are still remaining in the room. “You were too obvious.” Sho says and it’s not clear if it’s a complaint or not.
“Yes-“ Jun nods. “But I don’t care.” The hell with it, he thinks, Sho is always the only one who doesn’t care. Now it’s his turn. To his surprise, he has said the last words out loud because Sho bites down on his lips all of a sudden, eyes glinting with guilt, and looks away. Awesome. Jun rubs his head. He is obviously losing it. Words never slip his so controlled mouth normally.
“Sorry.” Sho says and Jun isn’t sure if he means their previous nights together or his weird attitude in general.
Jun shrugs. “Let’s go.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Sho says while he grabs some things. “You know, it’s nice and all, but I don’t want you to feel the need to-“
“Oh, shut up, Sho-kun.” Jun huffs. “I do whatever I want. And it just so happens that I don’t want you to go to the hospital alone. So, just thank me like a good kid and stop beating around the bush.”
There is a sudden smile on Sho’s lips. “Thank you.” he says and nods a bit. He turns around then leave the room first.
“Hey Sho-kun,” Jun grabs Sho’s arm and holds him back. He feels like hugging him all of a sudden, so he does. “It’s going to be fine. Don’t worry, okay?” He doesn’t make sure what is going to be fine: Sho’s grandmother, their messed up sex-whatever-relationship or their whole confused minds.
Sho hugs him back, his arms wrapped around him tightly. It feels warm and good – and right. Jun feels almost empty when Sho pulls back with a smile and says. “Let’s go.”
~~~
Sho’s grandmother is very surprised, but also very happy to see them. It reminds Jun of how long he hasn’t seen anyone from Sho’s family.
He chats a bit with her, asks her some light-hearted and casual questions. Sho soon adapts to his grandmother being here and sees that she is doing fine. His eyes shine in relief and warmth all of a sudden. He looks so damn pretty right now, so full of love that it almost makes Jun’s heart overflow with millions of emotions.
He decides to leave the family alone and give them some privacy for now and instead head to the others. As he steps in the elevator, the doors closing, Sho suddenly slips inside too. “Jun-kun,” he says. And then nothing more. He just takes Jun’s face into his hands and pulls it closer, kisses him so softly like he has never kissed Jun before. Like it’s their first kiss.
When the elevator stops, he pulls back again and smiles. “Thanks.”
“Yeah-“ Jun stutters. “Never mind.”
~~~
“Everything alright?” Aiba asks when Jun meets them.
“Yes-“ he forces a smile to his lips. “She is doing well.”
The others continue their talk from before, but Jun can’t concentrate. Sho has left him too confused, with too many stirred up emotions. That’s not normal. And he has no idea what to do out of it.
He needs some distraction. So he does what he normally does when his feelings are overstraining him. He calls Junpei.
This time they meet at Junpei’s place. However, although it normally diffuses his thoughts to sleep with him, this time it doesn’t. His mind is still confused and his thoughts clouded afterwards. He can’t see through the dust and the fog, even though he tried so hard.
It’s later when Junpei is asleep that Jun gets up and walks around. He can’t sleep. In one of Junpei’s shelves there are several movies, mostly action and adventure type of movies. In the middle of them he finds Breakfast at Tiffany’s. That’s something Sho would like. Like a little gem, he thinks. All of a sudden Jun feels sad.
~~~
He doesn’t see Sho for the next days. He is busy and has his own problems too. This time though, Jun refrains from calling Junpei. He just doesn’t feel like it. Two weeks later, his phone rings all of a sudden. It’s Sho.
“Dinner?” Sho asks without any further explanation.
Jun blinks. “Well, yes. When?” he asks, trying to hide the light and happy sound in his voice.
“Are you free tonight?” Sho wants to know.
“Hm, yes.”
“Awesome. 7 PM?”
“At your place or mine?” Jun wants to know.
“Neither.” In the background, he can hear how Sho is talking to someone. Apparently, his mother. “Let’s go to this new Korean restaurant. You’ve been talking about that for like forever and complained that you never made it because it’s so far away.”
Jun stares at the white wall right in front of him. He feels so puzzled that he doesn’t know what to say.
“Jun-kun? Are you still there?”
“Yes,” Jun turns around to lean against the wall. “Okay,” he finally answers. “Let’s go to that restaurant.”
“Good, let’s drive together. It’s a pretty long way. I’m going to pick you up.” With that he hangs up and leaves Jun with a lot of mixed feelings. Dinner. Not unusual, but normally, just an excuse to make out. It’s true that they went out together a few weeks ago but it was merely because Sho felt so freaking guilty.
It’s not a sex date tonight? What is it then?
~~~
“Wanna drop by, Sato-kun?”
Jun needs someone to talk to. Clearly, it can’t be anyone from his bandmates, especially not Ohno because he has just sent him a warning glance yesterday and Jun is afraid that he might re-consider his previous promise. It can’t be Junpei either because he doesn’t want to have sex now. So he goes for an option he knows wouldn’t lead him to bed.
“Now?” Ryuta says in surprise.
“Yeah, we haven’t met in a while.” It’s a lame excuse, he knows that. Ryuta probably knows too because he agrees all of a sudden. “I’m in the area anyway.” Probably a lie. Still, not more than one hour later, he is at Jun’s place. They have coffee together.
“Your place looks nice.” Ryuta says, smiling brightly. “It’s fancy.”
“Right.” Jun laughs. “Like you don’t have a fancy place!”
“Why don’t you visit me and my family next time?” the older one suggests. “You haven’t met them yet.”
“Thanks. I will.”
There is a long pause in which Jun shifts the cup of coffee from one hand to the other and Ryuta watches him for a while. “I think-“ the latter suddenly says with a chuckle. “I’m too old for this. Just tell me what you want to talk about. It drives me crazy not to know.”
The good thing about Ryuta is that he is straightforward and fun, easy to talk to. Trustworthy. They have gotten along from the first minute on, sharing some details of their private life with each other, things Jun normally never told anyone. So Jun explains everything to him. About Sho. About what they went through, how messed up they once were when they were younger, how they got along again, how they started this – whatever it is – and how they are still messed up. When he mentions Junpei, Ryuta blinks a bit. “Mizobata-san?” he asks. “The one we were shooting with together?”
Jun shrugs while Ryuta rubs over his head a bit. “Man, am I glad that I already settled down.” He says and doesn’t sound as cheeky as he normally does. “You want to know what I think?”
Jun smiles. “Obviously I do.”
“You know, I think Mizobata is a distraction. Better than distracting yourself with him would be to head forward and face the real thing.”
“I just don’t know what the real thing is.” Jun intervenes, though he has already pretty much thought the same.
“I understand, but as long as you are distracted you’ll never know.” Ryuta explains before a cheeky grin appears on his face. “And now give me one of those cookies over there. It’s my turn now to load my problems on you.”
“You have problems?” Jun mock muses with a grin before he hands Ryuta the chocolate chip cookies he wanted so badly. “I thought your life is all settled down and calm?” he teases.
Ryuta laughs. “I need a wedding anniversary present for my wife. So, I think, after listening to your complicated story, I deserve some help.”
“Fine.” Jun agrees. It’s actually nice, he thinks. Ryuta is easy to talk to and to be around with. He makes him forget Sho for a moment and his unusual invitation. A few hours later, Ryuta has decided on his wedding present and Jun has decided to put his love life in an order. How he is going to do that, he has no idea.
They leave the house together and Jun already sees Sho’s car waiting for him. “Always on point,” he smiles.
“Have fun.” Ryuta says and pauses. “You know, Matsumoto-kun. I think this Sho-guy might actually-“ he pauses, tilts his head a bit before he makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Forget it. You’ll probably figure it out yourself.”
Jun frowns slightly when his friend walks away. Sho might actually be or do… what? The only reason he doesn’t ponder more over this is because Sho is already waiting. This is good because it doesn’t give Jun any room to think and wonder even more. When he opens the door to Sho’s car and sits down, the latter smiles half-heartedly. “I didn’t know you have a guest.”
“That’s Sato Ryuta-kun.” Jun explains. “We got to know each other through the drama.” He pauses. “He is married, we are just friends.” he adds and doesn’t even know why he says that. He almost feels a little mad at himself for presenting this excuse. “I helped him choose a wedding anniversary present for his wife.
Too much information, he thinks. No interrogation, rule number 4. It’s not like Sho interrogated him though, but still, he didn’t sound too neutral. Now he seems to be relaxed again, almost happy.
“Whiplash,” Jun mumbles.
“Hm?” Sho asks
“Nothing.” I’m getting a whiplash from your mood swings. There is no way he could say that out loud.
~~~
They spend a beautiful evening together. Jun can’t remember the last time he has talked that much with Sho. About all kind of things, personal stuff, band stuff, random chit-chat. They never run out of topics to talk about.
It’s almost easy. It feels so damn normal.
But the evening loses the light-hearted atmosphere when Sho suddenly says: “What would you say, if I asked you – hypothetically of course, okay? –”
“Hypothetically?” Jun repeats. When he realizes that Sho waits for his okay for the upcoming hypothetical question, he shrugs. “Well, what would you ask me?”
“- not to meet Junpei-kun anymore,” Sho says.
Jun stares at the other for a while. For a pretty long while. Sho’s not looking away from him, meets his glance. But still- it’s very difficult to read this look in his eyes. He wonders if it’s equally difficult for Sho to read him. They both have too much of a pokerface. “Why?” Jun finally says. “I would probably ask you why you would want that.”
“Just, because,” Sho says and looks away all of a sudden. With the eye contact broken, Jun feels a bit at a loss.
They continue their talk from before now, leaving Sho’s weird question aside. Still, it lingers in Jun’s thoughts. He feels like rolling his eyes at so much oblivious obviousness. Idiot, he thinks all of a sudden. Sho-kun, you are an idiot!
After all, this whole contract and no strings attached thing was Sho’s idea to begin with.
When they are driving back home, Jun half expects Sho to come upstairs into Jun’s apartment. But Sho doesn’t. Instead, he pulls Jun into a kiss that’s so intense that Jun feels how his skin tingles a bit. Sho’s fingers are touching his neck now, his shoulders, while his other hand brushes through Jun’s hair carefully.
Twenty minutes later, they pull away from each other. “See you tomorrow at the rehearsals.” Sho stutters.
“Yeah, drive home safely.” Jun says, his head spinning a little. And- “Thanks for the invitation.”
~~~
Jun closes the door to his apartment and leans against it. He angles for his phone. “Sato-kun, it was a date, wasn’t it?”
The reply comes immediately. “Probably. That’s what I thought right from the start. Too much effort for a friends with benefits story.”
Jun nods. He is pretty sure that that’s what Ryuta wanted to tell him before he left. Sho might actually see this as a date.
A date! Something inside Jun’s mind starts spinning and he almost feels like dancing a hula dance now. That’s how much his heart jumps in happiness.
Idiot. Jun undresses and drops down on his bed just like he is. If you like me, if you want me to be yours, why won’t you say it?
~~~
During the next days, Jun feels weirdly tensed. He tries his best not to think about this whole story too much. But the harder he tries, the more he thinks about it. They are shooting for a PV and the others are distracted with the choreography. Only Sho is standing slightly behind them, right next to Jun. And he looks so freaking hot.
“Screw it.” Jun mumbles and pulls Sho into a sudden kiss. If Sho is surprised, he hides it pretty well because aside from a little gasp and his eyes widening in shock for a moment, there is no sign he hasn’t expected it. He takes Jun’s face between his hands and kisses him back.
Before the others turn around again, they step apart. Like nothing has happened.
“What do you think about the choreography?” Aiba ask.
Jun touches his lips absent-mindedly. “It’s good.” he says more to himself than to Aiba.
Damn yes, it’s awesome!
~~~
“Talking about a sudden attack,” Sho says when they are leaving the recording studio together. He sounds amused though, not reproachful.
Jun chuckles. “Don’t tell me you didn’t like it.”
“Well, fact is-“ Sho looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, a smirk on his lips. “I liked it way too much.”
“We can deepen this conversation at your place.” Jun suggests while he angles for his sunglasses. It’s warm and the sun is too dazzling.
“I would very much support that thought.” Sho agrees casually.
It’s always so simple with Sho. Uncomplicated though they are both so freaking complicated. When Sho opens the door to his apartment, Jun tells him exactly that: “We are both making this more difficult than it is.”
“Hm,” Sho nods and puts one of his hands on Jun’s waist. With the other, he touches his neck softly. “I guess we do.”
“Tell me what you want.” Jun says. “What you really want.”
Sho doesn’t say anything for a while but he doesn’t pull his hands away either, so it’s a good sign. Isn’t it? He closes the door with his foot before he finally turns his full attention back to Jun. “I want you not to meet anyone else.”
“Why?” Jun asks. “May I remind you that it was your idea to begin with? This whole no strings attached thing.”
“I know that,” Sho says earnestly. “I’ve never thought it would turn out like this when we began… meeting. I never expected it to turn into-“ he pauses
“Dating?” Jun helps. Feelings, he thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud.
Sho nods. “You know, when I’m with other guys, I feel like throwing up, because they annoy me so much after some time. With you it’s different. And I very much enjoy being with someone who doesn’t make me vomit.”
If this wasn’t so important to Jun, he would probably drop down on the floor and laugh. Never in his life has he expected to hear such a confession – or whatever it was. Semi-confession. And such a bad one on top of that.
“So-“ Sho continues. “What do you say? Are you still going to meet other people?” Instead of an answer, Jun kisses him. Sho smiles. “That’s not an answer, Jun.”
Just Jun. That’s something he could get used to. “It is an answer.” he says
“My-” Sho chuckles. “We really are complicated.”
“Or maybe we are not.” Jun suggests.
“Yes, maybe not.”
~~~
Sho is wearing a bathrobe. He hates to walk around naked so he always wears one after sex. Jun isn’t sure if it’s ridiculous, cute or just… Sho.
“I feel like watching a movie.” Sho muses.
“Hm,” Jun gets up and puts on some black shorts. “Fine with me.”
“Black suits you.” Sho says. It’s so random that Jun has to grin. “Which movie do you wanna see?”
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Jun suggests, because he wants to see Sho happy and because the movie has kind of stick to his mind.
“Oh! I haven’t seen that since forever!”
They both settle down on the sofa. Jun lies down a bit, his head in Sho’s lap. He can feel how the latter is playing with his hair a bit.
“You know-“ Sho says all of a sudden “-if you asked me if I loved you, I probably wouldn’t know what to say. But I do know that I just don’t want to be without you. So I guess this is love.”
His confessions are getting worse, Jun thinks. But he doesn’t mind much, hence he doesn’t complain. “Probably.”
“The fact that I still want you after years of doing this means I probably will want you tomorrow too. And in two years. And even after that.”
Better. Jun smiles a bit. It’s still not perfect, but better.
Sho is full of contradictions. So is Jun. It’s good.
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(and OMG, I can't believe I missed the fact that Sato Ryuta was in a drama together with Sho ^^)
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Thanks a lot for writing this. It's complicated. And contradictory. Everything that Sakumoto is and I love it ^^
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EVERYBARDY~~~ARE YOU REAAAADY~~~
Love it!
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I love how you build up all the complication. It was sad, it was affecting, and all in a proper portion. I love how Jun and Sho finally resolved it - or not - or whatever LOL Sho is just so terrible at voicing his feelings out.
Thank you!
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It was a great story, it got me glued to my screen from beginning to end. I was about to cry at some point, being completely honest.
Oh, and I laughed at that 50 shades line in part one xD
Thanks for sharing it with us :)
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The story was really cool, I totally loved the mood you created here. Those two stupid boys, really...especially Sho....what a great idea....
I loved how they developed during time and how they struggle with their feelings :)
And of course I liked the happy end ;)
Thanks for sharing 💜
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I'm happy you like the mood of this!!
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Okie that's all I wanted to say!
~Chae
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I love awkward Sho too (and nerdy Sho :D)