Imbalance: 04 Heavy

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 04: heavy
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline.

This is the correct timeline up to now:  01: Lively, 04 Heavy, 02 Remorseful, 03 Dismiss

Jun has learned that although Sho might have been the initial trigger, the reason for his illness lies hidden in a place and time way before Sho appeared, he just doesn’t know where in his mind he needs to look for the start of it all.

 

 

Sometimes Jun takes a pen into his hand and connects the lines on his arms with each other.  It’s like he is drawing a pattern then, like it’s art, like he is making something beautiful out of something disgusting. Every time he paints on his arms, he makes a new pattern. It’s never the same.

 

“Jun-kun, you are making your art again?”

 

The person speaking is his main therapist, assigned to him and a few other young guys. Women and girls are in a different facility, it’s not because they want to separate them so that they can’t interact, but because the symptoms are different, and they will open up more when they don’t feel embarrassed by having another gender around. Jun knows some of the guys here feel less of a man because of what they are doing to themselves. There are also a lot less men and boys in such institutions in general.

 

It’s Jun’s second time in hospital, but his first in inpatient care.

 

“You call it art, Masaki-san,” Jun says quietly. “That’s weird.”

 

First name basis for everyone here, although Masaki is his therapist. He has thought that staying at a facility like this, where they focus on recovery and on therapy, and not just staying in hospital until the worst is over, will be like in a prison. He has imagined someone would tie him up in his bed or tie his arms together, so he won’t be able to hurt himself. But it’s nothing like that. The facility he was submitted to only takes 10 to maximum 15 guys. There are a lot of private areas for them to spend their time at. The facility is far away from town, only surrounded by nature, and Jun has found pleasure going outside in the garden and sitting in the sun, just looking at the clouds. There are no visitors allowed, and all of them feel thankful for having no pressure of having relatives around.

 

“You don’t think it’s art?” Masaki asks.

 

Jun pulls his sleeves over his arms, covering them again. “It’s just…”

 

“Just what?” Masaki wants to know.

 

“Sometimes I imagine it not being a felt-tip pen in my hands but a sharp object. And the colour is not blue but actually red like blood,” Jun admits quietly.

 

“But you are not using a knife, are you?”

 

Jun shakes his head.

 

“That’s what we call recovery, Jun-kun.”

 

“It should be faster, I should do better, without so many throwbacks.” Jun mumbles. “Why am I so weak?”

 

“You are doing well,” Masaki says earnestly. “You don’t see it yourself, but… let me ask you: Do you think you are well?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you think you don’t have a problem?”

 

“I have a huge problem,” Jun admits.

 

“You accepted to come to this place and be submitted here, because you wanted to?”

 

Jun nods.

 

Masaki smiles. “This means you made the first important steps into active recovery. Many people don’t even reach this step. Without it you can’t do anything. Admitting on having a problem, and being sick and needing help, is the fundamental basis to recover. You will recover.”

 

“You think so?” Jun asks.

 

Masaki nods. “I’m sure you will. Sooner or later you will find pleasure in other things again, and the thought of hurting yourself will be replaced by something more productive, something healthier. You will find hobbies and new friends, and strategies how to deal with problems when things get slightly bad again.”

 

“You don’t let me do sports though,” Jun points out sulkily. “That would be a hobby.”

 

“Not yet, it’s too early.” Masaki smiles slightly. “A hobby that could turn into a new addiction.”

 

“I’m addicted?” Jun wants to know.

 

“What do you think?” Masaki asks in return.

 

“I think I like the pain,” Jun says all of a sudden. “It’s… it makes me feel alive. It’s…” he pauses. “I’m addicted to the pain,” Jun mumbles, realisation hitting him. “It makes the voices go away.”

 

“Do you remember the first time you cut yourself?” Masaki wants to know, pulling his legs up now, and leaning back against the bench.

 

Jun blinks. “Yes,” he admits. “Very clearly.”

 

Masaki looks at him expectantly, and Jun swallows. “After I lost my virginity I did it the first time.”

 

“How was losing your virginity?” Masaki wants to know. He chuckles. “Sorry for all the private questions,” he grins. “Hope you don’t think I’m a pervy doctor.”

 

Jun has to smile, something about Masaki and his casual attitude always makes him think he is talking to a friend not to a doctor. He assumes that’s Masaki’s strategy though. Jun takes a deep breath, remembering himself why he is here. He wants to recover, he wants to go back and live with Nino as his roommate, the only person he truly trusts. He wants to be able to be in a kitchen, and only seeing harmless objects there. If Masaki thinks talking about his first time is important, then he should do his best to answer his question. “I… wasn’t ready for it,” he admits. “My boyf-… Sho… we kissed, and then it led to bed. And he even asked me if I wanted to. He was so kind and considerate, he hasn’t been kind a lot before, so I said yes.”

 

“Do you regret it?” Masaki wants to know. “Having sex with Sho?”

 

“Yes and no.”

 

“Why yes and no?”

 

“Yes, because I should have waited a bit longer. I wasn’t ready for it. Sho wouldn’t have forced me. Ever. He thought I wanted it. And no… because he was so nice.” Jun pauses, his voice suddenly bland to his own ears. “He was always nice and gentle when I got hurt. Whenever we broke up, and he saw me being hurt, he would come back.”


"Did he ever hurt you himself?"



Jun shakes his head immediately. No, Sho would have never forced himself on him or hurt him like that.

 

“Do you think he loved you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Jun shrugs. “No one ever loved me,” he admits. “Why should he?”

 

 

A/N: So, how did this happen? We have Jun in inaptient care, in therapy... for...? And Masaki as his doctor. (by the way, just pointing out that Sho didn't rape Jun or anything alike. Just... to set that clear)  Writing this I suddenly found it really sad what Jun connects to his first time.
I have the feeling this drabble series is going to be rather angsty. Just warning you. (but you know me, unless it's not a request, I'm always going for a positive ending.)