Imbalance: 11 Morals

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 11: Morals
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline

 

01: Lively, 07: Cut, 10:  Hush, 11 Morals, 08 Compromise, 04 Heavy, 05 Forward, 06 Prowl, 02 Remorseful, 03 Dismiss, 09 Impulse



Sho has his back turned to him, it’s like his back looks angry. Jun doesn’t know why it is like that, why Sho sometimes behaves like this. Angry and annoyed.

 

“Is everything alright?” he asks carefully.

 

“I just hate it,” Sho mumbles, his voice shaking. Jun isn't sure if it's anger or sadness or disgust.

 

“Hate what?” Jun whispers in sudden fear. “Me?”

 

“No, not you,” Sho sounds genuine, at least something. “I hate myself.”

 

“And what for?” Jun asks carefully.

 

“My parents sent me to another omiai,” Sho admits, and something inside Jun hurts all of a sudden. “With a daughter of one of the business partners’ of my father. She is nice and works as a TV moderator.”

 

“And did you go?” Jun dares to ask. He doesn't want to hear anything about the nice girls Sho has to meet because his parents force him to - at least he hopes Sho just goes because they force him, not because he wants to.

 

Sho nods.

 

“And?” Jun pushes him further. He doesn’t want to hear it, but at the same time he is so tired of pretending that he just needs to know the truth.

 

“They want me to marry her,” Sho finally explains quietly, his shoulders seem to be shaking.

 

“And you, what do you want?” Jun asks, frowning a bit. The way this talk goes is new. Sho has never told him that much about his private life. Jun knows he went out on omiais sometimes, because his parents want him to, he also knows Sho has been dating girls his parents chose for him during all the times he and Jun broke up. In these times Jun sometimes was with Satoshi, Satoshi never pushes Jun, always loyal and patient and there for Jun when Jun is the most desperate. But his heart is always with Sho, so much that sometimes it hurts, and Jun isn't sure if he can actually deal with these frightening and overwhelming feelings on his own. He is scared that one day they will rip him apart. Every day that he is with Sho he is afraid he will lose him. One day Sho won't return to him after a break-up, he won't come back. What will happen to Jun then? These thougths scare him, but the anxiety and desperation of not knowing anything at all, scares him more.

Sho was with plenty of women, and normally Jun doesn’t want to think about it. Sho has never told him about it in such details, but this time he does. And it scares Jun, but he wants to know the truth. “What do you want?” Jun urges. He is so fucking tired of pretending.

 

“I don’t want to be gay,” Sho says after what feels forever, his voice harsh, yet shaking.

 

Jun feels sick all of a sudden. He stumbles out of the bed, not sure if Sho says something else, before he reaches the toilet. He throws up there, closing the door just in case Sho follows, though he is sure he won’t. There is a reason Sho told him about it. Sho probably hates, or maybe not hates, but blames Jun for making him gay.

He is going to lose him. He knows it. But what is he without Sho?
 

He is leaving Sho's apartment this evening, this time permanently. He is just so tired, he can’t anymore. He goes to his own apartment, drinking a few cans of beer before he takes a knife to the bathroom and pushes it into the skin of his arm. It goes deep this time, and his head feels dizzy. His memory of this night is clouded. The next thing he remembers of it is that he wakes up in a hospital bed.



A/N: Since I have written some of them in advance now, I figured I can post another one of these ^^
This is, I'd say, in the middle of the timeline, right before Jun's second and (for now?) last stay in hospital.

Also, more information about Jun/Satoshi and Jun/Sho: Sho and Jun have a history of being together and breaking up. It's an on/off relationship that starts when Jun is around 14, and goes until they are in their mid-twenties. They will break up quite often (some of the reasons are in this drabble^^) and during their break-up times Jun is with Satoshi occasionally, and Sho does his own thing. Not really healthy for both of them I think >> Also the last drabble I posted (10) was not much before this here.

Oh, and let's not forget that Jun does not meet Sho anymore after this... for a long time. And that he and Satoshi actually start dating at one point, a lot later (they broke up though --> current timeline)

Comments

[learashi]

I know that Sho is probably feeling pressured and unsure, but that was beyond cruel.
Now I understand Jun's relationship with Ohno better. He uses him to fill the gap when he has broken up with Sho but his heart isn't in their relationship at all. That must also be devastating for Ohno.
All three of them should maybe just stay away from each other and stop this continuing cycle of hurt.
(Still loving this story by the way 💜)

[lilly0]

It is, right? I think young!Sho was really cruel, maybe unintentionally, and maybe because he was pressured too, but he wasn't really sensitive at all... We'll see later how they met and how Jun fell in love with him. ^^
As for Ohno: You are right. Although he did agree on only being with Jun casually, I think he might like him... I guess years later when Jun cut all the ties to his past, it might have done some good to all of them?
Thanks so much for your comment, dear <3

[leiva21]

No wonder Jun feels insecure throughout, it's really hard if Sho has to follow his family's conservative idea and for Jun to compete with a woman, if Sho chose or forced to be with one.

So , did Sho marry that girl?

[lilly0]

You are right, all this nourished Jun's insecurities and the feelings of not being accepted and love (though the start of it all is a lot earlier, not with Sho) :-/
Did Sho marry? :-) I promise, we'll find out at one point ^^
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, dear! ♥

[akhikaru]

Well... ouch :(
It's so sad that Sho acts this way. Jun definitely needed to end that relationship.
Thanks for the update :D

[lilly0]

I think young!Sho was really desperate and pressured too, but it's not really an excuse for how much a jerk he acted towards Jun (I promise, we'll also know how they met and how they became a couple (or whatever))
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, my friend! ♥

[yukitsubute]

I am a little confused with the timeline...but it's okay.

Poor Jun, I can understand him and his feelings, but he shouldn't do that. :( Sho' an idiot, but I can also understand him a tiny bit ... he got educated that way after all....

Thanks for sharing ❤

[lilly0]

I know, the timeline is confusing :-) At the top of each chapter I am posting the correct timeline :D

Thanks so much for reading <3

[yuuki_73]

oh no, Sho, you didn't!!! you didn't!!! oh, god.... poor Jun.....Sho, you insensitive monstrous piece of sh.... *sheds tears of anger*