Imbalance: 17 Caring

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 17: Caring
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline

01: Lively, 07: Cut, 13: Voice, 10:  Hush, 11 Morals, 08 Compromise, 15 Lower, 04 Heavy, 05 Forward, 06 Prowl, 12 Engage, 02 Remorseful, 03 Dismiss, 09 Impulse, 14 Awkward, 16 Plead, 17 Caring

Nino glares, his dark eyes piercing Jun. “I leave you alone for a few hours, and what happens?” He points an accusing finger at the direction of the corridor where Satoshi is sitting currently and waiting, head in his hands. “First of all the wolves are coming out! And then, worse, you even collapse!”

 

Jun winces. “Sorry,” he whispers.

 

“Anaemia because of low blood sugar,” Nino scolds. “You are working in a chocolate shop, in a pastry shop, why don’t you eat some chocolate here and there?”

 

“I just forgot, I swear I did,” Jun argues. “It wasn’t intentional.”

 

Nino crosses his arms. “Is that so?”

 

Jun nods meekly. “I swear.”

 

“And Satoshi-san?” Nino asks, pointing with his chin towards the corridor.

 

“He suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and… explained to me what happened,” Jun admits. “He also told me he loved me all the time, which is why he never liked Sho. And how he just wanted to give me room and not pressure me, because he was afraid I would relapse.”

 

Nino blinks in surprise, tilting his head. “Do you believe him?” he asks carefully.

 

“Satoshi is not a liar, never was, and he was always there for me even when I made the shittiest mistakes, which is why I do believe him. However…”

 

“However?” Nino asks curiously.

 

“I don’t know how to voice it,” Jun admits. It’s hard to find the right words.

 

Nino smiles. “Hey, it’s just me, your bothersome, but very attractive best friend. You know I will always understand you.” He pauses. “Or at least try to make something out of your gibberish.”

 

“Satoshi wouldn’t have come to explain things to me without Sho reappearing in my life,” Jun says bluntly.

 

Nino frowns. “You mean, he needed Sho to trigger him? To make him find his courage and visit you?”

 

“Yes, something like this.” Jun shifts his head, trying to eye Satoshi’s frame through the blurry glass window. “I believe in what he says. But if Sho hadn’t appeared out of nowhere, would he still have found the courage to visit me?” Jun sighs deeply. “Satoshi was always rather passive. There were so many opportunities in our past where he could have told me how he feels, but he didn’t, and in the end I hurt him so much. Up to now I don’t know what he really feels about everything. Me, Sho, the past. Part of him probably decided on this because he didn’t want to be as destructive as Sho, but the other part of him…just did it instinctively. Because he is like this. He watches more than he acts, thinks too much, needs time to react.”

 

Nino lets out a sigh. “You really don’t have it easy with your men,” he mumbles, rubbing his head. He sits down now. “What do you want? I think you should let me make a bullet-proofed boyfriend casting for you. Believe me, Masaki and I will find a good guy for you.”

 

“Leave me out of this,” Masaki says casually from his spot at the window while he goes through Jun’s medical file. He has a talent of letting Nino and Jun talk privately while being here too. He just doesn’t intervene.

 

“Okay, then I’ll make the casting on my own,” Nino says grimly. “Only the best for you, trust me.”

 

Jun shakes his head. “Thank you, but I have to decline.”

 

“Do you want to give one of them a chance again?” Masaki asks curiously, finally participating in their talk.

 

Jun looks at his fingers. “Yes, deep inside I know I love one of them and want to give us a second chance.” Before Nino can argue against him he raises his hand. “However…” he pauses. “I want to be myself first.”

 

Nino and Masaki exchange a look of surprise. “I don’t understand?” Nino mumbles.

 

“I’ve realized today, while Satoshi brought me to the hospital, that I’ve never been on my own. I’ve always been someone’s boyfriend or lover,” Jun admits. “I was with Sho. And when I wasn’t with Sho I was with Satoshi. And after I came back from inpatient care, I was with Satoshi again. I have always defined myself and my worth depending on another person. Why am I not good enough? Why does he say this or that? Do this or that? What did I do wrong? What is wrong about me? Why do I love him more than he loves me?” Jun pauses. “I’ve never been just Jun. Only Sho’s Jun. Or Satoshi’s Jun.” He pauses, eyes teary. “And before that I was poor little Jun-chan with a mother who died and a father who would hit him, and everyone just looked away.”

 

Nino looks at him in mere surprise. It’s the first time Jun openly said something about his past, his past before Sho and Satoshi.

 

Masaki signals Nino to leave them alone for a while, and much to Jun’s surprise Nino obliges. He walks outside, sitting down next to Satoshi and after a while pats his back. Jun smiles slightly. Nino has one of the kindest hearts, no matter how hard he tries to hide it sometimes. Seeing Satoshi out there, so down, makes Jun’s stomach twist in pain.

 

Just how many more people need to suffer because of his and Sho’s past? It's like a whirlpool of negativity that hurts so many people. It makes Jun's resolve to do something about it even stronger.

 

Masaki sits down next to Jun now, taking his hand. “You think, you have lost your individuality because you feel you have never been an individual and never been treated as one?”

 

Jun nods sadly. “All my decisions, everything that happened in my life, was because of a boyfriend, and because I felt inferior. To my father. To Sho. And actually also to Satoshi. That’s sad, and pathetic.” He swallows. “I want to be me, Masaki-san. I don’t even know who I am. All this time it was so easy for me to blame Sho for everything, and later Satoshi, but at least with Satoshi I am the problem too. He knew of my issues and my past and still was able to accept me the way I am. But when things went down, I expected them to go down. I was convinced he didn’t love me enough, but truth is I don’t even know if that’s true. Why did he support me all these years, if he didn’t love me? That’s why I want to find myself first.”

 

Masaki smiles soothingly. “I think it’s a good idea to focus on yourself for a while, Jun-kun. Is there something you want to do?”

 

“I want to volunteer,” Jun admits quietly. “At an inpatient care facility or here in hospital.”

 

Masaki’s eyes widen. “Didn’t you say you never want to return?”

 

“I said it because I never wanted to return to the point where I have to be there as a patient, but…” he pauses. “You know, patients and people suffering from a mental illness like anorexia or self-harm rather talk to someone who has been at the same place before. I know that. I always felt suspicious of outsiders, even of Nino sometimes.”

 

Masaki nods, smiling warmly. “I can arrange something for you at least here in hospital.”

 

Jun’s eyes widen. “Is that true?”

 

“Yes, because it just so happens that I find this idea a very good one. Probably the best one you ever had.”

 

A/N: This follows the last one I posted directly. I originally started posting and writing these without a plan, but I've finished a few of these now (okay, I'm finished completely, I admit, so the last ten drabbles I've actually written to fill the gaps. And I'm so happy it alle made sense in the end :D Hope for you it will too <3 We'll also go back to when and how Jun and Nino became friends. Oh, and don't worry, I won't cross the number 50 ^^)
So, those of you who said Ohno needed Sho as a threat might be right? We don't know it yet, because there is one more drabble that will deepen this part of the story. And Ohno's insecurities don't come from nowhere...
But what do you think of Jun's decision? There are still a lot of drabbles from the past missing. They will explain more how everything deriorated.
Nino is a great friend, isn't he? :-)