Imbalance: 18 Believe

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 18: Believe
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline

01: Lively, 07: Cut, 13: Voice, 10:  Hush, 11 Morals, 08 Compromise, 15 Lower, 04 Heavy, 05 Forward, 06 Prowl, 12 Engage, 02 Remorseful, 03 Dismiss, 09 Impulse, 14 Awkward, 16 Plead, 17 Caring, 18 Believe

 

Unlike some of the nurses Jun isn’t surprised that the kid who almost killed himself is only 16. It starts so earlier, and sometimes even earlier, he knows that himself. The boy’s name is Shori.

 

“They want to send me to inpatient care,” he complains to Jun when Jun comes to play a card game with him. To Jun’s joy and the doctor’s surprise Shori immediately felt attached to Jun even without knowing who he is or what he went through himself. Apparently he realized immediately that Jun was neither a doctor nor a therapist.

 

“I was there too,” Jun admits and pulls a card.

 

Shori almost drops his cards. “You are kidding,” he blurts out. “Why?”

 

“I was cutting myself,” Jun says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Much to his surprise talking about it feels a lot more normal now than it did years ago.

 

“Just like I am,” Shori mumbles. He shows Jun the cuts on his arms, one of the wounds was so deep it almost killed him and it was what sent him to hospital. “I don’t know why I’m doing it,” he says with tears in his eyes. “But I can’t stop. I think I’ll never recover, so why bother?”

 

Jun puts the cards aside, and pulls the sleeves of his sweater up. He puts the bracelet he got from Nino back then aside and also the additional ones he is wearing at the moment. “I was 15 when I started, and 24 when I almost killed myself. So, almost ten years.”

 

Shori stares at Jun’s arms with his mouth wide open. “Holy shit,” he breathes out. “You have so many scars!” he exclaims.

 

“Yeah,” Jun says, something about Shori’s honest reaction makes him feel embarrassed and regretful, but also more confident. Finally someone who sees things as they are. “It’s horrible, isn’t it?”

 

Shori looks at him with tears in his eyes. “Are they ever going to go away?”

 

“Some faded, some disappeared, many will remain,” Jun answers honestly.

 

“I don’t want that many scars on my arm,” Shori rubs with his sleeve over his eyes. “I just want to be happy. But I don’t think I’ll recover.”

 

“I recovered,” Jun tells him. “And I was very deep inside and addicted to the pain. Understanding that I need help and that I have a problem, and at the same time finding out what caused it, helped me. Recovery is slow, but it can work.”

 

“Everyone is just… so annoying,” Shori admits. “I mean, I want to yell at my family and friends constantly.”

 

“Yeah, because they don’t understand anything. They mean well though, but they don’t understand.” Jun tilts his head, remembering how annoyed he was whenever Nino pried into his issues. Outsiders don’t understand what’s happening, but at the same time they would be lost without them.

 

“Do you know why you did it?” Shori asks, eyes basically glued to Jun’s lips.

 

“My father abused me when I was a child. He lost his mind when my mother died. He killed himself at one point. I got so attached to the thought of someone loving me, you know, of someone deeming me worth of love, that I clung to my partner so that my life depended on them. When I figured love isn’t that simple, and a relationship like that can’t be healthy, it triggered my cutting.” Jun looks at his arms. “I had my first relationship with 15.”

 

“Are you happy now?” Shori asks with a shaking voice.

 

“Slowly, getting happier every day. Even when there are throwbacks, you learn to deal with them,” Jun says with a smile. “I went to inpatient care because I wanted to have a future. And I didn’t want to lose the only friend I had and leave him behind.”

 

“I don’t have a future,” Shori mumbles.

 

“I thought the same,” Jun smiles. “But you know, you make your own future. There is nothing just lying in front of you.”

 

“I know that,” Shori argues. “But it feels like it’s meaningless. Like, what’s the sense behind it all, the meaning…”

 

“Truth is,” Jun smiles sadly. “There is no sense in it, no bigger meaning why you have to fight and recover, you have to be the one who creates a meaning to your life. It all depends on your decisions.”

 

“Are you in a relationship now?” Shori asks curiously.

 

Jun sighs. “I am not, I decided to be alone for a while. But I guess love will always be a problem for me.”

 

Shori looks at him, his lips quivering. “Can I call you sometimes?” he asks. “You know… just… well… but if it’s…”

 

“Sure,” Jun says with a comforting smile. “I’ll give you my number.”

 

“And you won’t tell anyone what I tell you?”

 

“As long as you don’t tell me that you want to kill yourself or hurt yourself, I’ll keep all your secrets.”


A/N: LMAO, I saw in my header right now that I originally wrote: genre - romane, somewhat angsty? (I think it is quite angsty (not just 'somewhat', isn't it?) I'm kinda dreading going back into Jun's/Sho's/Ohno's past. The next few drabbles still show the future though, then we'll go into the past... So, stay with me, please! We have a few interesting things to come, I promise!

Comments

[learashi]

Somewhat angsty? Somewhat? Hahahaha
It is extremely angsty dear. I just want to grab Jun and hug him until he squeaks.
But he seems so much better now.
He had sex with Sho when he was 15?? Bad, bad, bad.
Sorry, about the weird comment. (I do love this story, really I do.)
*hugs*

[lilly0]

I know! I'm sorry!! Tbh I didn't expect it to go into that direction. Plus, when writing the whole thing feels a lot less dark and angsty than when reading, I think ^^
Jun indeed feels better now (but he can definitely need a huge hug) And yes, he had sex with Sho at a young age (originally I planned for them to be even younger, but it would have messed up my timeline ^^)
Thanks so much for you comment!!! ♥

[akhikaru]

Yeah, that "somewhat angsty" feels a bit inaccurate now xDDDDD
I like this part, and I like that he's trying to help someone who is in the same state he used to be :D
Thanks for the update~~~

[lilly0]

Tbh it doesn't even feel that angsty to me while writing it! But maybe it's different when you read it? ^^
Jun is really doing a lot better now! <3
Thanks so much for your lovely comment! ♥

[junyhh]

Somewhat... chotto dake,ne.

But who cares about header and formalities ;-)
I am usually very reluctant when it comes to darker stories, still I like this chapter in particular - totally understand how easy it is to talk to someone how understands ...

Thanks

[lilly0]

You know, I never really checked my header again :D When I started writing this, I didn't think it would become angsty ^^
Good thing is we know that in the current timeline all of them are doing well (though the messy relationships aren't resolved) The dark parts are all in the past timeline.
Thanks so much for your lovely comment! ♥

[yukitsubute]

I am happy that Jun gets stronger 💜

Thanks for the update 💜

[lilly0]

Thanks so much for your comment, dear <3

[leiva21]

So he decided to part with Ohno then, I hope temporarily until he's ready enough. I can't bear seeing Juntoshi being apart >.< I always like angsty story and it's probably the first genre I'll pick to read rather than fluff (I'm weird I know haha)
I'm so happy that Jun is helping others now, his experience will be a great help to someone like Shori who is in similar struggle.

[lilly0]

I think Jun wants to find himself first before deciding on a person to be with. But when we go into the past!timeline (I promise, soon!) we'll see just how much Ohno actually did for Jun back then.
Really? I'm so glad you like angsty stories! There are still a few darker parts to come when I post the drabbles about their youth and teenage days.
Thanks so much for your lovely comment and support! ♥

[ardoration.livejournal.com]

I planned to comment after finishing all uploaded chapters but this chapter really gets me.

“Truth is,” Jun smiles sadly. “There is no sense in it, no bigger meaning why you have to fight and recover, you have to be the one who creates a meaning to your life. It all depends on your decisions.”

This. I love this line a lot. Jun doesn't sugarcoat things when he talks to Shori and it's probably the best thing he can do here.

[lilly0]

Thanks so much for your lovely comment! ♥
I'm actually really happy that you found this story (I didn't cross-post it yet because the timeline is such a mess ^^) Your comment really means a lot to me ♥
Hope you will also like the rest of this.

[yuuki_73]

No one is so bad that he can not even be an example, right?