Imbalance 30: Choose

[lilly0]

Title: Imbalance 30: Choose
Pairing: Sakumoto, Juntoshi
Rating: R
Genre: romance, somewhat angsty?
Plot: It's always been okay for him to be the person in a relationship who loves more.
Note: This is akhikaru 's fault, and also learashi , with their prompt tables and awesome drabble series <3  I've decided to treat this like a challenge. I'm using a prompt-table from lj, and will write these drabbles as they come to my mind, withoug planning anything in advance. It's going to be one story in the end, but the drabbles won't be posted in the correct timeline

25: Mistakes, 30: Choose, 24: Hero, 26: Heartfelt, 01: Lively, 07: Cut, 21 Tactile, 22 Scowl, 13: Voice, 10:  Hush, 27: Fading away, 11 Morals, 08 Compromise, 15 Lower, 04 Heavy, 05 Forward, 06 Prowl, 12 Engage, 23: Journey, 02 Remorseful, 03 Dismiss, 09 Impulse, 14 Awkward, 16 Plead, 17 Caring, 18 Believe, 19 Found, 20 Shield, 29 Spirit, 28 Open

Jun feels bad for how relieved he is that it’s over. This feeling inside him is so strong, the relief so intense, that his hatred for himself gets stronger too. He hates himself for thinking: Finally, the shit is over, finally, I don’t need to see him anymore, I don’t need to worry about what I did wrong. He is just so relieved that it’s over. At the same time he hates his father for having killed himself, for not being strong enough, for not having fulfilled any promise he gave his wife, for leaving Jun alone. And he feels worthless, like the piece of waste he is for being thrown away by his father. In the end he didn’t love Jun, he didn’t want to try, he didn’t want to see him anymore. And Jun feels sad for being alone. All alone. Everyone he loved has left him. There is no one who loves him, no one who will ever love him, just like his father never loved him. He doubts anyone will ever do. He just hates himself so much. 

 

When he watches how the grave of his father gets closed, he can’t even cry. But he must have looked shaken and really sick because all the other guests and especially the other people from their village keep trying to make him feel better.

 

“I’m sorry, Jun-kun,” Miyakawa, an old friend from his father says.

 

“What for?” Jun can only say with a flat voice.

 

The man looks away from him, like he feels ashamed. “I didn’t look properly. Should have done something.”

 

Jun doesn’t understand it.

 

The only relative who attended the funeral is Jun’s uncle, a man Jun has only seen a very few times when he was little. His name is Nagase Tomoya-kun, Jun doesn’t really know if he should call him uncle or not.

 

However he appears to be a kind and understanding man. It’s his father’s half-brother who lived in Taiwan for years, and came back now that things went down.  It seems like he and Jun’s father never got along well.

 

When everything is over and the guests left, he puts a hand on Jun’s shoulder. “How about we stay the night at the inn? I’m sure they will have two rooms left for us,” he offers in a friendly voice.

 

Jun looks up in surprise. Staying at the inn sounds good. He was already loathing going to bed in his now empty house with all the bad memories in it. “Yes,” he agrees in a small voice.

 

It’s only when they have dinner and his uncle orders him a generous amount of food, although Jun isn’t hungry, that Jun dares to ask. “What will happen to me now?”

 

Nagase looks up. “What do you want to happen?”

 

Jun blinks. “I have a choice?”

 

“You always have a choice, my boy. I won’t just drop you like a hot potato.” Nagase smiles warmly, and it strikes Jun that it’s been long that someone looked at him so friendly. Nagase’s words even make him smile a little. “You can come with me to Taiwan, if you want to. If you don’t want to...” He tilts his head. “You are going to High School after summer. You are only 15, I know, but if you want to finish school in Japan, we’ll find a solution.”

 

Jun can just stare at his uncle, speechless. He isn’t used to someone being so kind to him. Before he knows it he feels how tears are filling his eyes. Nagase pats his head softly. “Thank you,” Jun mumbles.